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Whoooo let me go see this movie, IN A THEATER WHERE I GAVE IT MONEY, especially in this new age of reboots and revivals whose number 1 objective is to fuck up your faves' lives, without reading a detailed or even general plot summary first.


I almost walked out of this movie three times, and literally only stayed because I was with Chris. I would be a happier person if I had left the first time.

1. As soon as Dom went rogue, I got this sinking feeling of "oh no. I don't want to watch this; no matter what his reasons are, my heart cannot take him actively fighting against The Family, Letty included." At this point I was assuming there was a threat on Mia/her children.

2. So hey, what's my number one rage trigger? That's right, it's a surprise kid popping out of the woodwork. It is the worst and most awful thing I can imagine to watch your significant other go through the parenting process for the first time with someone else. The amount of willpower it took me to stay in my seat at this point, LET ME TELL YOU...

3. And then this movie somehow got WORSE because, like, of all trios in the entire world, this is probably the ONLY one where I could accept some solid 2-household co-parenting and maybe even not feel like it had wrecked the life of the stepmom in the process...NOW they kill off the bio-mom. Who, for the record, is Elena and one of the best damn things this franchise has ever seen.

And listen, I know this franchise has never pretended to be feminist in any way, and also that that is 50% of why it appeals to me so much, and yes, it is also true that most days I am here for Man Pain, I but NOT TODAY, SATAN. I have Had Enough of women dying for their kids.

So honestly, the movie as a whole was probably pretty good once we got past the requisite camera-leering-at-hot-semi-naked-chicks at the beginning, and Soccer Coach Hobbs was marvelous, the usual end-moment reveals were as great as ever, and there were probably a whole bunch of other things I liked too, but right now I am stewing in a RAGE PIT due to numbers 2 and 3 above, and definitely done with this series, and really wish I had just stopped at 7 as the perfect cap. Letty's face while trying to come to terms with Dom's apparent betrayal was my face for like 87 minutes straight.

Also: confirmed, really cannot tolerate this much exposure to Charlize Theron's face. There is just something about it that irks me. Please never be in projects that interest me again.

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