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Sadness Five!

It is probably because I got three hours of sleep and they were all post-dawn when I really should have just stayed up, finished work and then crashed permanently, but the weather is glum and I don't want to go anywhere so I've spent the afternoon making myself sad.


First I lowered my resistance with a pile of fanvids, ranging from a superb recap of Ryan's revenge arc set to Running Up That Hill to one of Sandy & Ryan's relationship set to Fix You, which is somehow the saddest song in the entire world. Then I took myself in search of grimdark fic and boy, I succeeded. (it's an amazing story. it's also impossibly, gutwrenchingly sad.)

And now I'm all over LJ following old fic recs, where I end up sniffing around long-abandoned (or worse, recently-abandoned) journals and making myself more sad because it's a snapshot of an era of fandom long gone -- an era so old I wasn't even on Livejournal yet; hell, some of it is from the time where I was in a hiatus from fandom. But what a wonderful world of community discussion. I wish I'd been a part of that.

That's a silly wish, because I would have been way crankier about everything than I am now with my starry-eyed love/nostalgia goggles, never mind that back then I gave a hard pass on friending anyone who shipped slash unless they had a huge load of other points in their favor (remember when you could afford to be choosy!), but wish it I do. A lot of these people sound like people I'd friend now based on their most recent posts, if their most recent posts hadn't been somewhere between 2007 and 2015.

IDK. I am mopey and need to go to bed, but I have to sort myself out and write a bunch of contact emails that people need to reply to by 1:30 PM tomorrow before I can think about taking a 12-hour break from business.

[edit: but first I found about six more stories to make me cry, and long story short I am gonna need someone to show up to my doorstep with Ryan/OFC futurefic and convince me of a solid and stable partnership in his future or I am never going to sleep soundly again. I need a concrete happy ending to believe in when this show threatens to drown me in misery. I have almost found solace in the idea of Ryan being the most doting and adoring big brother to Sophie that the world has ever seen -- yes world, it took me ten years and change to stop being mad about "the Cohen baby" and I can't believe a grimdark fic was the catalyst -- but it would be good to have a backup.]

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