It's the one year anniversary of the day my swift descent into Twilight Trash became inevitable. To celebrate, here is the Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 review that I wrote in its entirety but never got around to posting in January because I wanted to watch the film one more time to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything from the notes. Only I didn't get around to checking it out again before work and fandom took over so eventually I just shrugged and left it unfinished. And we all know that until I process a thing in writing, I can't move on to its sequel.
So now here I sit, the canon territory 88% explored and then abruptly abandoned without a backward glance, leaving me somehow perfectly content with one last movie on the line that I may never see.
Oh right, almost forgot to post the actual review.
The first thing I noticed about this was how hard the director worked to enliven this plot, and I gotta say -- despite my strong belief that a mushy love story / extreme hurt/comfort scenario is JUST FINE AND DANDY FOR 90 MINUTES THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I did not hate those choices, no matter how much embarrassing speech material they created to beef up the wedding ceremony.
For instance, that extremely vivid and horrifying dream of Bella's that ends with all the white contrasted with red? That was the director having a practically giddy field day with license to get artistically violent.
The last I heard, this movie was getting rated R due to the honeymoon, and although that apparently changed by release date, I did not hate that idea at all. In action, I admit I probably am grateful it's only PG-13, but it was the sort of bedroom scene I like. I feel like the most scandalous ho even saying that, but I'm almost up to the point where I need two hands to count the number of consummation scenes in existence I can watch without wincing and peeking through my fingers as long as I'm alone. I feel like the key is to cover up any sounds with thematic music, and make it look more like a kiss-laden contemporary dance than anything else. This was a very nice compromise between the completely nonexistent BAM, SCENE CHANGE of the book* and what thirsty fangirls probably wanted.
*seriously, one second she's in the water standing next to him and the next sentence she's waking up in bed. For all you actually know at that point, Edward got cold feet so he held her underwater until she blacked out and then moved her inside.
I am very pleased that they utilized a montage of Edward distracting her with physical activities.
But not as pleased as I am that they DID in fact leave in the whole Bella-getting-upset-that-he-won't-touch-h
Bonus Honeymoon Commentary
-The face Edward is making for "can vampires go into shock" is hilarious.
(also, is the book actually an elaborate allegory about how sex should never be trusted not to lead to procreation no matter what precautions you take, be it theoretical infertility or birth control, because it's possible to get knocked up despite the most unlikely circumstances? because that's the kind of lesson that works on me)
-Is it me or could a lot of Edward's fears about hurting her have been negated by adding a little (or a lot of) bondage into the bedroom? I'm just saying. Victorians were all secretly kinky, right? And maybe he is a little past that era, but not by much.
-Way to nail Edward's guilt-stricken vibe.
-So I'm just gonna go over here and, you know, PERISH OF ADORABLE at the apology/baby talk/tummy kissing part. I'm pretty sure 50% of the reason on-screen pregnancy stories happen is to film the part where the dad-to-be does something like that. #1 benefit of being pregnant. Maybe only benefit, not sure.
-A+ very good work on whatever computer effects they used to make Bella look like death. That was so much worse than I pictured. By birth time, she looked positively gruesome. I still kind of have a hard time looking directly at her face in that part.
-And that last shot? So, so well done. Her eyes flying open is awesome.
-Jacob's introduction was so much better and more streamlined than the book.
-Leah continues to be awesome and the most likable hostile character ever, and Seth continues to be the cutest cutie that has ever cuted. HE'S SUCH A HAPPY PUPPY. Literally. And he just thinks the Cullens are SO GREAT. To quote Barney Stinson, in a tone of wonder and awe, "I want [him] around all the time."
-I cannot stop laughing at the ~SUPER DRAMATIC MINDSPEAK~ effect they used. Like, I appreciate that they tried to convey it, but also, LOL.
-Remember the thing I said about beefing up the action? Chasing the Cullens definitely qualifies as that. I'm OK with it.
-The imprinting scene was so perfect. Like, partly it showed what it's about -- the potential. But it was also like, "SMeyer, this is the stupidest concept anyone has ever come up with and I will make it look exactly as ridiculous as it is." MIND ZOOM!
On The Negative Side
ALICE AND JASPER'S HAIR. What kind of cruel person would make me suffer through these severe and flattened sad excuses of hairstyles for TWO MOVIES? Their hair was so perfect in Eclipse! Now instead of fun Tonks spikes she looks like a boy, and instead of the magnificently longish-waves of yesteryear, "Jazz" is gelled to monstrosity. It is damaging to my shipper feelings, yo.
Also, most of my book review is on GR because I'm too lazy to copy-paste it here, but here is where you should know about the 10,000 (or half a dozen) fill-in fics I want regarding this novel, because somehow 700+ pages was not enough to cover my basic needs.
-Bella talking to
(*I have a Neopet named Rozylie. She is darling. Ostensibly I was going to give her away when she got to a highly desired color/species combo, but now she is a Wraith Poogle, which is not super popular but which is a rare and awesome enough color that I want it. I started spending a ton of NP training her to replace my current battledome pet. I got bored because it's taking too long / costing too much and so I moved her to a side account, but I can't let her go. I invested a lot.)
-How exactly Esme and Emmet decided to back her up
-Edward begging Carlisle to help him
-I assume Alice & Jasper were on Edward's side but I want to see it
-EVERYTHING ALICE AND JASPER DID IN SOUTH AMERICA
-Who am I kidding I want an entire book devoted to Alice & Jasper, starting at about 1900 and spanning the next century-plus
-BELLA'S THOUGHTS DURING THIS DAMN PREGNANCY. I especially want to see more of her headspace when she's trying to make him be less sad