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Super Early Preview of New Shows 2017

I just tripped over TV Line’s 2017 “Fall TV Preview” gallery, and suddenly I have Opinions on a few dozen shows that 2 weeks ago I didn’t know existed and didn’t care that I didn’t know existed, so I must share them, because the lack of patience I have for reading TV critic impressions or watching trailers/promos is inversely proportional to how much I love making snap judgments based on a single photo and a bite-sized player bio.

I could have sworn I did this in a recent yearr, but I can't find it tagged under upfronts or scheduling and it's annoying the crap out of me. There it is! 2015, I had it tagged weird. My "TV is like a big ol' college campus where people never graduate, look at all these familiar folk!" simile is still accurate.


I was going to separate these into categories like I did last year, but I got tired, so they're all just in alphabetical order as shown at the source material. Enjoy anyway. In retrospect I could have at least sorted by network, but now formatting is involved and on LJ that makes cutting and pasting a bitch.

EDIT: I've decided to edit this post with my ultimate reactions to all these shows if I managed to further interact with them, last updated September 2018. Stay tuned!

------------------
9-1-1 (FOX): "A fast-paced exploration into the lives and careers of first responders — cops, paramedics, firefighters — the people who put their lives on the line to save others." So this sounds like a thing that would draw my attention, but it also sounds like a thing that's gonna struggle to find an audience for some inxplicable reason, and is a midseason premiere, so I'm not sure if it will land in front of me.
[verdict]
edit: it's doing surprisingly well, but one read of the TV Line review confirmed to me that everything sounds awful except Connie Britton, and also it's a Ryan Murphy show, which I did not realize before, so HARD HELLA NO.


9JKL (CBS): So much code! A comedy wherein dude struggles with boundaries after renting an apartment between his parents' apartment and his sister-and-her-family's apartment in the same building. Most of me cries about why they aren't just renting a house; 3 separate rents could probably rent them a pretty sizable house, even if I theoretically understand the distinction...but I also think it sounds like a standard package of serviceable amusement. Airs on Mondays. Probability of it landing before my eyeballs: high.

[verdict][edit: ughhhh it is so boring and unfunny and no one has any chemistry with each other or the screen.]

Alex, Inc (ABC): Zach Braff stars as "Alex Schuman is an inquisitive journalist, husband, and father who dives headfirst into the brave new world of entrepreneurship when he quits his stable job and starts his own business." I want to like this, but I have been burned by everything Zach has tried since leaving Scrubs and my confidence in his work is low. Everything about the family in the photo just makes them look...off. Like quirky weirdos in the awful way.
[verdict]
[edit: premiered late, quietly and unceremoniously canceled before I even knew it started; will probably never see unless randomly appears at the library or something]


A.P. Bio (NBC): SHUT UP AND DO ME. I mean what. I mean...listen, Glenn Howerton, I can't handle TWO shows with hot teachers (see also: Rise). They're not even that hot on their own, they're just okay-looking dudes who magically get hotter based on their profession. Though that said, I just caught the "cynical" part of this one's description so I am not sure if that will work for or against it, even if it does appear to be more comedic.

[verdict]
[edit: UGH, IT'S AWFUL. Howerton is a Grade A a-hole in the most ridiculously unbelievable and blatant anti-teaching platform I've ever seen, and it's not funny and also frequently gross. Fired after one episode with no chances to turn itself around.]


Black Lightning (CW): no. no superhero shows unless they star someone from Glee and I'm contractually obligated to give suffering a try.

The Brave (NBC): lsiten going in I don't have any clue what this is about but HEY THERE BARBIE HI HELLO. And by Barbie I mean Mike Vogel not looking a hair different from 2015, and by "hey there" I mean we can also translate "A heart-pounding look into the complex world of our bravest military heroes who make personal sacrifices while executing the most challenging and dangerous missions behind enemy lines" as "SHUT UP AND DO ME Pt. II." who knows if I will watch it, but I want to.

[verdict. but you can probably guess if you have spent any time on this blog beyond this post.]
edit: IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NEW LIGHT OF MY LIFE. Good identification of its pros, Past Me.


By the Book Living Biblically (CBS): I still haven't read the summary because I'm too busy being horrified by David Krumholtz's apparent transformation into a portly suburban dad with a white collar job and thinning hair. (but I guess it's based on the book "A Year of Living Biblically," which I will forget in 2 seconds)

[verdict]
edit: yeah it is as bad as it sounds. super bland.


Dynasty (CW): WTF no; this reboot sounds as dumb as it did as an 80s show.
edit: I literally never even heard anything further about this. DId it air? What happened with it?

Champions (NBC): I literally can't pay attention to what this series is about because a quick glance showed me IT'S LITERALLY BASICALLY AN AU WHERE MINDY LAHIRI AND PASTOR CASEY HAVE A TEENAGE KID AND I CAN'T HANDLE THIS WONDER AND JOY. Mindy Kaling is gonna recur! i have never wanted The Mindy Project to die faster. (edit: now that I have read the whole summary it looks genuinely fun; I'm here for it)

[verdict]
[edit: arrived late and quickly canceled. Would debate seeing it one day, but the kid was already on thin ice from me after their aggravating role on 2 Broke Girls, and this show looked to be serving more of the same.]


The Crossing (ABC): Every time I read "The Crossing" in reference to TV I fall down and weep about how this was the original title of that Civil War pilot featuring Rachelle LeFevre and Martin Henderson that never got to see the green light. But forcing myself to read this one's summary, it actually sounds pretty unique, possibly way too high concept in a Revolution-esque way for ABC -- war refugees showing up in a randmo American town? from the future?? -- and there's that cool actress who played Linda on Under the Dome, so.

[edit: I took one look at the trailer and saw a lot of boring faces and annoying are-those-superpowers?? content, so I am passing on it unwatched.]

Deception (ABC): Uh. Yeah, dude is way too bland to pull off this weirdly boring sounding magician/FBI mash-up, and I recognize no one in supporting cast.
edit: I literally never even heard anything further about this. DId it air? What happened with it?

For the People: I'm too tired for courtroom dramas always. Also, being on ABC I have to assume that when not boring it's going to have a lot of sleazy sex.
edit: same as above

Ghosted (FOX): Whoo, Adam Scott + Craig Robinson is a certain kind of comedy pedigree, but I'm not sure if this will find an audience. Even with me. On the one hand, I look at Adam and think "I want this," but on the other, there's just...a lot going on there creatively.
Edit: never got around to it and now it's canceled so who cares.

The Gifted (FOX): "mutant powers" I'm gonna go ahead and stop you right there.

The Good Doctor: Nah. if you (are fictional and) can't personally connect with people odds are good I will not bother tryin' to connect with you either.
[verdict][edit: The house odds win! Please know that based on the grating previews alone, I find it personally offensive how well this is doing.]

Good Girls (NBC): Hah! This sounds kinda silly, but silly-fun; it made me laugh for real. Seems like maybe a less trashy Bad Moms?
[verdict]
edit: FALSE. IT IS EXACTLY AS TRASHY AS BAD MOMS. But also, like, even more unpleasant.


The Gospel of Kevin (ABC): *reading the summary while I wait for photo to load* I dunno this sounds kinda AHASDFASDLFAKLSDFJKL;S IS THAT JASON RITTER OKAY THIS LOOKS GREAT.
Update: AND JOANNA SWISHER-GARCIA? SHUT UP AND TAKE MY EQUIVALENT OF MONEY FOR BROADCAST TELEVISION.
Update 2: tbh it actually sounds terrible and super cheesy, but those are some real pretty people with amazing screen chemistry. I will give it the ol' Zoo try.
[verdict]
[edit: Its title changing to a clunky "Kevin [Probably] Saves the World" was a bummer. I gave it an episode and it's fine, but there was too much schmaltz and not enough action to succeed the Zoo way.]


Instinct (CBS): Ugh, no. I'm not even gonna read the summary. I don't go near Alan Cumming.
Update: I see "based on a Jamer Patterson book" so double no. I hate him so much I don't even care that "based on a James Patterson book" is the reason I have Zoo, my favorite show on television 2 years running.
Update 2: BOLLOCKS; Naveen Andrews and Khandi Alexander?? That is hard to say no to.
Update 3: ...I have finally read the summary. My feelings are mixed. It could be a serviceable procedural, but IDK.

[verdict]
edit: I choked my way through 1.5 non-consecutive episodes to find Khandi Alexander recast and the tiny amount of Naveen Andrews nowhere near sufficient to make this bland Castle knockoff worth my time. AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS RENEWED INSTEAD OF SCORPION BOILS EVERY BLOOD CELL I HAVE.


LA to Vegas (FOX): that is a giant pool of weaksauce you got there, starting with Dylan McDermott.
[verdict]
edit: I read the TV Line review. Truly, I saw nothing to convince me to make the effort to find it.


True Crime something something: sorry bro, no time. It is true that I have been known to spend hours research true crime, but I gotta do it at my own lightning-fast pace, or you gotta choose between documentary style and a much more efficient feature film vs. miniseries.

Life Sentence (CW): This certainly sounds like the best thing The CW has ventured to try since Reign, but I am not sure if it is for me; might be too Freeform-y. Depends on the tone of the show and supporting cast to see if Lucy Hale can pull off "when a young woman diagnosed with terminal cancer finds out that she’s not dying after all, she has to learn to live with the choices she made when she decided to “live like she was dying.”
edit: Oops, I never got around to it and it was OF COURSE canceled because the CW's viewers hate contemporary YA.

Marvel's Inhumans (ABC): Gross.

The Mayor (ABC): Comedy. It doesn't sound terrible, but it doesn't grab me either. Let's see how it does. (update: OH WAIT THIS IS LEA MICHELE'S NEW PROJECT? and SECOND UPDATE: YVETTE NICOLE BROWN. All right, still gotta see how it does but I think this might be the most promising new comedy, actually. It feels real...feel-good?)
[verdict]
[edit: ABC yanked it off the schedule the exact week that I finally showed up to see it, having finally entered the Survivor hiatus. Shame. Not motivated enough to hunt it down / watch at computer.]


Me, Myself and I (CBS): ...oh boy does this comedy about the past, present and future of a schlubby middle-aged guy's life look and sound dull.
[edit: yes it was and that is why it died by November]

The Orville (FOX): ...I can't even count how many things are unappealing about this picture. All of them (except the woman who was Gates on Castle). [edit: accurate.]

The Resident (FOX): maybe. I like the Emily Van Camp of it all, but not sure if I am ready to not punch Logan Huntzberger's face. Will it fare better than Red Band Society by being less saccharine?
[verdict]

edit: in fact, his character will be eminently more punchable. Fired after 15 minutes for being gross as well as infuriating.


Reverie (NBC): There is a lot of fine pedigree attached to this (even Kathryn Morris! Haven't seen you in an age), but I dunno. I feel real bland about it. Probably better in action, but I rarely visit NBC. [edit: this came out in, like, June, and it was just too little too late for me to get to it.]

Rise (NBC): You might remember it from such squeeful reaction posts as this.
[verdict]
[edit: So no one told you life was gonna be this way...and by this way, I mean the play being highlighted is Spring Awakening and my response being, "No. Stop. Forever stop that story." DISAPPOINTED!!]


Roseanne Revival (ABC): listen, every revival ever has been so inevitably rude that despite how hideously canon went down in this show's last season, which the revival has apaprently pledged to ignore, I'M STILL CONVINCED IT'S GONNA BE BAD (despite actually sounding appealing on paper. they often do. that's how they getcha)
[verdict]
Yeah...I'm not particularly interested in stories featuring transgender/genderfluid/GNC kids. And that was before Real Life Roseanne went down in flames and took her fictional counterpart and the heart of this show with her. Fortunately they already have a precedent for canon death not sticking, so I mean, I will just enjoy my reruns and ignore this.


Seal Team (CBS): Christ. I got Barbie in uniform on one channel and Booth in uniform on another. What are y'all doing to me.
[verdict]
[edit: "Booth in uniform" is, halfway through the season, still the only interesting thing about this. I'm trying. Any other year it'd probably be great. But watching it beat up The Brave when it is so absolutely not as good is killing me.]


Splitting Up Together (ABC): I am very mixed. It's Jenna Fischer!! And Oliver Hudson! (trying to rock the swoopy hair I love, but failing because I am conditioned to actually appreciating him with short and product-spiked hair that for once this look just looks unkempt to me). But...I am not sure they actually have chemistry together, and I guess this show is about them falling back in love? Also, the kids look pretty cute. I literally never visit ABC though, so there is almost no chance I'll end up seeing it.
[verdict]
edit: I did not get around to seeing it, but it got renewed! so maybe!


S.W.A.T (CBS): HARUMPH. Shemar Moore looking hot as all hell in a police uniform, how dare you. There is basically no way I'm not going to see this, right?
[verdict]
[edit: Right! It's not moving mountains in my heart, but it's enough to keep me around through season 1, if I remember to turn on TV. I'm so used to having Thursdays off...]


Ten Days in the Valley (ABC): Even fictional true crime is too much effort for a TV program; I'm tired just looking at it.
[verdict]
[edit: its audience agreed, and it was burned out almost before I had realized it started, which surprised me. I really thought it'd do better.]


"Untitled Grey's Anatomy spinoff" that is probably only untitled because somebody threatened a lawsuit when they tried to call it Seattle Fire: No Shonda. No more. Never again. You are on my s*** list with Ryan Murphy and cannot be trusted.

Valor: CW, what are you doing hiring hot men in uniforms (Matt Barr) to be on your station. That's not how you operate. How dare you. I can't have three men-in-uniform shows; that's ridiculous; I will burn out immediately, and spoiler alert the victim is gonna be this one, with the young pup and related high potential for gross hookup scenes, in comparison to two Super Rugged men. (however: I do sometimes land on the CW, and this airs on Mondays so it's got a better shot than most)

[verdict:]
[edit: I gave it the pilot and it did exactly what I expected, and so was immediately written off. Ironically, despite my "young pup" comments, this was also the only one that did not actually feature a dog, which did not help its cause.]


Will & Grace revival: I would be on board with it undoing its awful finale canon, but really I just can't even imagine how awful Jack will be with absolutely nothing to keep his ego and delusions in check.

[verdict][edit: I heard Grace got divorced, and as that was the only part of the original finale I was not willing to undo, I can't bring myself to inflict such canon on my heart, not even as an AU. Even though from what I have seen in gifsets and promos, it looks just as if it had never gone off the air at all, unlike most of the other revivals I've seen, which are very clearly aged and in their dotage.]

Wisdom of the Crowd: It looks complicated and I'm simple and this show ain't gonna reach my eyeballs by being first thing on Sunday night. (actually, it might)
[verdict]
[edit: I have actually seen a fair amount of partial episodes due to football delays while waiting for NCISLA, but while Unexpected Natalie Tena is awesome, the rest of this is a giant sack of boredom whose fate Jeremy Pivens sealed in sex scandal, so no great loss.]


Young Sheldon: last and definitely least. [edit: not even gonna spoiler cut this -- IT'S AWFUL.]
-----------------
Reviewing all of the above, I'll know more in fall, but right now I'd say that nothing on this list outshines Rise...yet I've actually talked myself into being most excited about The Crossing somehow?? Which definitely did not start out being my frontrunner. Vying for second after that: Champions & The Mayor (again. ??). Most of the Dude Shows, so dubbed both because my interest in them is 80% due to the hot dude and because these seem like action-adventure-y shows designed to appeal to men, which I have found to be my wheelhouse, are all kind of blocking together in a pack of 4 for behind them. Whose plot can support the hot? Time will tell. Meanwhile, that's gonna be my tagline for the coming year.

Everything else that didn't express displeasure about above is bunched behind that, with A.P. Bio and 9-1-1 maybe half a length ahead. (future edit: LOOOOOOOL at the fail rate of my predictions.)

Anyway, what are you, the 1-5 people who may potentially read this, looking forward to and/or hissing at as you back away slowly?

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