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So You Think You Can Do a Review On Time?

2:00 PM: Going to see Order of the Phoenix in about 2 hours; I've just squeaked in my last-minute reread of the book and am now going to attempt to fire off my TV review before I get all distracted by having to review the movie.  [a/n: obviously, this did not quite happen.]

Pre-Show Blather
-Despite my usual abhorrence of dresses that only come down to mid-thigh, I think Cat's coral-pink dress is very pretty

-Only the top TEN go on tour?  Well, now I'm doubly pissed that Shauna got kicked off.  

-Speaking of said tour, last year when I found out there was actually a performance in the Twin Cities, I worked up all my nerve and talked to my parents about the possibility of buying tickets, got the OK, and was all set to make this the first real concert I'd ever attended.   Except that tickets were sold out by the time I went to purchase them, two whole hours after sales had opened.  Not interested in paying exorbitant prices from bulk ticket sellers, since I could barely afford the original price, I was extraordinarily bitter and sulked for weeks about not getting to see Benji, Donyelle, Travis, Allison, Dmitry, and Martha dancing live.

-I just wanted to get that out.  I have no interest in seeing this year's tour.

-Shut up, Mary.  The Hot Tamale Train joke was not cool even the first time.  It does not get better with age.

-Shut up, Wade.  I do want to see "just a dancer" on stage.  None of this theatrical crap with characters and facial expressions and the telling of "life stories." 

Just FYI, I will be telling the judges to shut up a lot.

Sabra & Dominic: Allow me to rephrase the way I described his looks last week - the nose still bothers me, but it's really his mouth that makes me twitch every time I see him.  He looks like a chipmunk, with lips drawn back over his teeth.  And I think his eyes pop slightly.  As for Sabra, it may not entirely be her fault that I hate her, it may be - according to Mom - my "prejudice against short girls."  Which is not entirely unfounded, since my soccer background gave me a firm reason to hate the Sneaky Short People who would steal the ball and run around me, darting here and there with impossible speed until I saw red...but I'm going to maintain that I dislike Sabra simply because she's one of the girls still here while Shauna is not, and also she's more popular than Lauren or Jaimie, whom I like infinitely more, and I fear she'll outlast them too. To that end, I enjoy the footage where she gets dropped.  Repeatedly.  In multiple rehearsals.  Because I am twisted.

Jive: I had to blur my eyes throughout the dance and intensely imagine that I was watching some other couple, otherwise all I can focus is how much I hate them and never want to see them again.  With blurred vision, however, I was able to really enjoy the dance, partly because jive is one of my favorite styles and partly because this routine had both fun dancing and music.  I was bouncing in my seat - that splits-lift was really an incredible touch.  Also, lucky thing I unblurred my eyes just in time to watch Sabra kick him over the side of the stage, because that pleased me almost as much as the dropping.

Jaimie & Hok: As a reminder, dear Person Who Wrote Cat's Script, it did not look like these two had a crush on each other last week - it looked like you were desperately trying to stir up a reality show storyline, and failing miserably while you did so.  If anybody has a crush on their partner, it's obviously either the couple we just watched, or Lauren and Neil Lacey and Kameron (apparently, according to the internet).

Meanwhile, Jaimie is her usual adorable self while I defend her against my mother's mockery of her little-girl voice, and Hok continues his weekly tradition of coming up with something else to make me fall in love with him, only this time it's three things.  First, Jaimie mentions that he cooks.  Then he says that the best thing about Jaimie is her beautiful hair, which soft like a dog's, and I take that as a huge compliment because soft hair beats sleek hair any day and dogs can be very soft.  And finally, he speaks in Japanese while explaining the "worst thing" about his partner.  *glomps*

Plus he holds her hand while she's getting a nasty cut on her toe taken care of, and I'm not really sure who I want to hug more at that point.  I do have the presence of mind to notice Neil in of all the Jaimie's Injury shots, though, and cheer myself with the thought that if Jaimie and Neil were to become partners next week after the switch, I would be very happy indeed.

Broadway: OH MY GOD TRAVIS!!!!!111  Shut up Tyce, I want to see Travis.  Why is Travis not getting any camera time?  I don't care if he's only an assistant choreographer!  Sigh.

The dance, by the way, despite being a disappointingly slow Broadway song, turns out to be the most beautiful performance of the night.  I love the song "Mr. Bojangles" because I first heard it on Ally McBeal, and so it makes me all nostalgic for the beginning of high school (not to mention it's just plain lovely), but the dance is absolutely gorgeous, and if ever there was a niche for Hok outside of streetdancing, this was it.  Shut up, Mary and other judges, I don't know what you're talking about, but I totally saw a sweet, sad little old man coming to life.  Meanwhile, Jaimie's leaps are so light and fluttery as the dancing muse that she appears to weigh no more than a feather.  The costumes were as wonderful as the characters - this was one time I didn't mind the latter, because in this case it's meant to be a theatrical performance and dear God, it so WAS.  I literally watched it about five times, and it took my breath away every time.

Pasha & Sara: Pasha is ridiculously adorable.  Every time he gets a camera interview he is just silly enough to appear about ten years younger than he really is, but not anywhere near the level of Benji, whose particular brand of goofy looked like it had the potential to grate on your nerves before too long - say, 30 minutes.  No, Pasha simply has a perfect, fun sense of humor.  I would love to just hang out with him for a day.

Jazz: In approximately 13 years of jazz dancing, I did not once use "jazz hands."  In fact, I'm reasonably sure that no one in our entire studio did, either.  Just wanted to point that out.   Of course, our teacher occasionally named moves things like "pee on the fire hydrant," but whatever.

They're dancing to the wonderful "Body Language" which was the senior line's competition jazz dance at my studio in 1997, which...wow, was 10 years ago...but which was still one of the best recital years ever.  I've watched the tape many times, and so I think the Body Language dance is better when performed by a large group with only brief breaks for the two guys in the class to come out and do partner solos with girls.  But Sara and Pasha pull off an extremely entertaining dance all the same, despite the weird antics with suspender-pulling (during which I am constantly afraid one of them is going to end up with a nasty chest bruise).   They really do work surprisingly well together.  It's almost hot, though I have a hard time applying that word to her tomboy self.

Lauren & Neil: Oh!  Yes!  I want to hear insight from my OTP; thanks goodness they asked this question before Breakup Week!  And then...Neil doesn't actually say anything positive about Lauren, which worries me.  All Lauren has to say is that he's good-looking, which is ENTIRELY TRUE, of course, but...my fantasy scenarios are quickly adapting themselves to the idea that this a lust-based relationship and not going to last long.  Sigh.  However, I can still use the fact that he cracks an endless stream of bad jokes, as well as his mock indignation that Lauren doesn't appreciate them. Plus Neil endears himself to me even further by using "awesome" to describe his jokes, which is one of my favorite positive adjectives. 

For example, the mini clip backstage, where he pretends to drop her as she's sitting on his shoulders, snickers at her shriek, and earns himself a scolding smack on the forehead?  Awesome.  Rewound it about fifty times.  See, that's how I'm able to imagine stories about them, cute and playful. 

Contemporary: Holy crap, there IS a recipe as perfect as last week's!  Lauren + Neil + contemporary + Mia Michaels!  God, I love Mia.  Personality-wise she reminds me exactly of the owner/head teacher at my old dance studio, and her routines are Word Art translated into dance.  Also, while "Let the Drummer Kick" strikes me as the kind of music I normally would dislike, I find that I am completely mesmerized by the combination of its beat and the poignant piano notes.  If anyone has it, and feels like sharing, would you please let me know??  Got it thanks to goodbye___girl.

The dance itself is also mesmerizing, even though I despise the costumes beyond belief, partly because the judges have said time and again how important it is to see a dancer's eyes, partly because I want to see Lauren dressed in something pretty and flowing rather than a man's outfit, and partly because the black pants make Neil's legs look ridiculously skinny in a way I've never noticed before, like chicken legs.  I was also hoping for one of the usual contemporary routines that follows a love story, rather than what appeared to be two boys nearly indistinguishable from one another. 

Nevertheless, I watched it a solid half-dozen times, because the dancing itself was just so brilliant that I kept automatically rewinding and then gazing in ecstasy.  Bobbleheads, not so much, but assisted arabesque, yes-yes.  *nods ecstatically*  It took me nearly the whole routine to figure out what it reminded me of, but I think my final interpretation of the story in the dance was of an abstract artist, wandering through the black-and-white world of his own mind, as if he'd fallen into one of his paintings and was drifting, dazed, through the undefined landscape.
===============
3:55 PM: Shoot!  Partially as a result of my watching dances over and over, and partially as a result of the fact that I'm reading three recaps as I go to double-check any points I might have wanted to make, we're heading off to the movie and I'm not done.  Nooo...I'm not ready to go back to magic!  I've got "Let the Drummer Kick" stuck in my head!

7:10 PM: Nooo...I'm not ready to go back to dancing!  I've got the Harry Potter theme song stuck in my head!  And - oh, right.  Results don't start until 8.  Hey, I might be able to watch them live if I finish this review quick.  All that's left are couples I hate, anyway.  *cues up tape*

Danny & Anya: Is it just me, or does Danny sound like a major horndog when he talks about her sexy costumes?  Ew.  And Anya is totally reaching for her positive if she's calling Danny good looking, considering her real-life dance partner is PASHA.  The negatives they come up with sound much more believable, I must admit.  She keeps him up too late practicing, and he tends to not listen to her.  I bet these are the kind of things that escalate into real fights between the pair, and makes them both glad a partner switch is fast approaching.  I do feel sorry for Anya if she was dancing with an injured ankle, but I'm mostly furious that Jessi got a one-way ticket home for being a potential liability, while as long as Anya danced through it, she got to stick around.  *grumps*

Foxtrot: This paragraph does not exist due to RS's inability to EXPLODE WITH RAGE every time she is forced to listen to boring old songs, specifically boring old songs called "It Had to Be You," especially after enduring Crazy Little French Man's choreography discussion.  *HATES SONG*  *SEETHES*
V: But if it did, all it would say is that while Anya's costume was pretty and spangly, and Danny was as beautiful a dancer as ever, it did nothing for her.  Also, she thinks Danny's profuse sweating is the most disgusting thing ever.  Though she may change her mind in a minute.

Lacey & Kameron: EEEEUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!   These two are nasty.  I did not need to know that Lacey's hair weave doesn't get washed every day.  And come on, I already thought that Kameron was scuzzy and dirty; having them talk about how much he sweats now makes me want to take even more showers every time I see him.  Eeeeeeuuuuwww.  I still think "statuatory rapist" every time I see him get close to her, but I'm starting to think that she's just dirty enough (in every sense of the word) to want it.

Hip-Hop: Dan Karaty!  That's the only positive thing I have to say about this routine.  WHY AM I BEING SUBJECTED TO FERGIE?  AGAIN?  WHYYYY.... Okay, the song could be a lot worse, but still.  Meanwhile, Lacey is relishing her role as a dirty cheerleader and it's making me incredibly uncomfortable.  I might need my vomit bucket again.  Oh, there she goes with pelvic thrusts.  *vomits*  And the presenting her rump like a mare in heat.  *vomits further* FInally,  what was with him pulling a random girl out of the audience at the end?   *is confused*
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7:45 PM: Results show now, results show review ASAP, and Harry Potter review next up after that.  



Comments

poloparadise
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC)
*vomits* And the presenting her rump like a mare in heat.

Perhaps I am the only one here on your friends list who will get this, just because I am a rider.

But holyshit, I just died laughing. Honestly. Great metaphor. You are brilliant.
rainbowstevie
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:08 am (UTC)
haha...I was fast-forwarding and all of a sudden it was like "wait, wait...what was that again? That reminds me of some kind of animal behavior...oh!"

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