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This is the story of how I was fairly interested in two shows when I was running down the upfronts list last May, only to give up on them almost immediately once they arrived.


1) I missed the live premiere of 9-1-1, but after reading the TV Line recap, I deduced pretty quickly that it was not for me. Connie Britton's character sounds appealing, but not worth the admission price of everything else: "a young hotshot [firefighter] who tends to let his libido interfere with his job," who is nowhere near cute enough for that to have a prayer of taking effect later; a cop with a surprise-gay husband (worst trope); and Aisha Hinds, whom I like in theory but whose shaved head provokes the temper equivalent of an allergic reaction in me.

Any chance of those things somehow not being as bad as they sound was destroyed when I found out if was also a Ryan Murphy* show, which I did not realize before and which would have gotten it blacklisted at the door had I known. We / are never, ever, ever / getting back together. (like ever)

(*AND ALSO BRAD FAILCHUK. The nightmare is real!)

Honestly, my favorite thing about its existence so far is that it allowed Dave Nemetz to make this joke: "It’s all so depressingly middle-of-the-road, as if Fox and Murphy were cynically aiming to launch their own Chicago Fire-style franchise to print money with. In fact, they should’ve just titled this Chicago 9-1-1, and hoped viewers wouldn’t notice it doesn’t air on NBC (or take place in Chicago)."


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2) Meanwhile, I was so ready to like The Resident that I suffered through 6 minutes of a super ugly Vikings loss, an eternity of hideously boring post-game talk, AND the local news just to make sure I didn't miss its start.

...and then within 10 minutes, it had accumulated so many strikes against it that by all rights it should have been fired already, except I was willing to give it extra chances because I hadn't yet seen local goddesses Emily VanCamp or Melina Kanakaredes (the latter of whom I did not even know was in this until a couple weeks ago).

These strikes included:

* A bunch of namby-pambies being afraid to cross their awful boss who KILLED SOMEONE VIA INCOMPETENCY because...they might lose their jobs/careers in retaliation? Listen. I have literally zero patience for people who care about having a specific career more than taking even a futile stab at someone who deserves punishment. Unless that guy credibly has the resources necessary to hire a hitman or frame you and put you in prison, you go down swinging for the moral superiority.

* Gross naked people in bed ("it's gonna be that kind of show?"). Even if they were post doing things, they were not appropriately covered or positioned for my delicate sensibilities.

* Logan Huntzberger immediately proving himself to be even more punchable than I was afraid his Gilmore Girls legacy had cursed him with. Worst main character I have seen on television in probably five years. Just a constant stream of hateful, condescending awfulness, insults and disparagement. I couldn't even keep up with all the offenses.

* Oh! And PunchFace Huntzberger sporting a tattoo. Almost forgot about that one. There was just so much badness to track.

But then PunchFace's first directive to his new student was to do a rectal exam on a patient (but said in a much worse, harsher and more vulgar way), and at that point I could not suffer for Emily any longer; I literally yelled "AND WE'RE DONE HERE" and shut it off.

A couple of minutes later, my morbid curiosity convinced me to turn it back on, and there was Emily! But she was busy making smug excuses for his manner, in such a terrible way that my response was “I would literally rather my relative end up dead than let this a-hole’s behavior continue to run unchecked because of his talent,” so like. Off it went again, and now we are truly done here; Melina has no chance of cleaning up this mess on her own.

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This is why I haven't come to your house more than once since like 2014, FOX, this is why.

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