AUTHOR'S NOTE: this
6:30: "Please welcome Kendrick Lamar!" Oh, I don't think -- *fumbles remote and is subjected to performance* oh, you think you're gonna capitalize on my reinvigorated sense of patriotism with a big ol' American flag backdrop? *suspicious eyes* Yeah, I do not trust you so much with patriotism. Aren't you the one who always uses it as a fakeout?
6:32: Anyway, I can't understand a word you're saying so I'm just going to assume it's a lot of "America F yeah, #RenewTheBrave"
6:34: Ugh, he's so loud and yelly, why is he not done. Go away. (This chick in white can dance, though.)
6:36: Chapelle's confused face is my face, fyi.
6:38: Lady Gaga too? Listen. She can look as classy as she -- oh darn, song that is a girl's name ("Joanne"). I am contractually obligated to give it a chance.
6:40: Well that was tragically dull. Waaaay too slow for so little instrumentation. And now she's off on Million Reasons, which maybe would be tolerable with a better artist, but it's never gonna click for me in her hands.
6:44: "Best rap song performance" haha it's cute you think any of these are distinguishable from each other beyond "male/female." Sean Paul/Jamaican accent or perish.
6:46: Lamar won, which is somehow still able to disappoint me even though it's really a Rihanna win, or as he says, she "gassed me on my own song and whatnot." What does that even mean. Is it supposed to be some sort of compliment? (p.s. her hair looks amazing, who let her in on the secret of wearing it well.)
[edit: I just learned that he "notably turned down the offer to perform from his deeply personal 4:44 tonight, despite being heavily courted by the Recording Academy." (x) Small mercies!!]
6:52: NOPE. I may have suffered through Lamar, but I have now found my remote for immediate muting powers, and I will not suffer fools like Sam Smith, gladly or otherwise.
6:56: K-CLARKS! I love her always no matter how few and far between her genuine hits to my ears are, and I love that I have been able to admire her fashion through every size I have been, as well as those above and below it so that I both know weight loss with my body type is possible, and that confidence and the right style makes you pretty at any dress size.
6:57: Best New Artist, my fave award
At the rate we're going this might be the only one I get. Let me revel in this.
6:59: Jim Gaffigan: "Thank you, thank you...I've never heard of me either." Ha-ha!
7:00: I was going to ignore Little Big Town but then I heard "written by Taylor Swift" so I'm going to dream of a world where it's just her song, period.
7:01: Just kidding, I got distracted trying to figure out why I am so anti-Little-Big-Town and turns out THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR INFLICTING THAT "GIRL CRUSH" MONSTROSITY ON MY AIRWAVES so no. Away you go.
7:11: What...what is going on. With this jazzy blues/cowboy rockabilly mashup.
7:13: Best Pop Performance Solo: I so wish these were still separated by gender, but as long as women still dominate them I'm cool.
7:14: No on Kesha (Praying), no on Gaga (Million Reasons), I don't know this song but Kelly Clarkson would be OK on principle, Pink would also be OK even though "What About Us" has been surprisingly boring to me for someone whose singles so rarely miss, and FUCK NO TO ED SHEERAN I HATE "SHAPE OF YOU" MORE THAN I HAVE EVER HATED A SONG WITH A GUITAR FEATURE OH MY GOD WHY. Why have we not pushed him back underground to his home with the mole people yet. (not televising his acceptance -- because apparently he wasn't even there! -- is a good start. Maybe they did push him down!)
7:18: Hey, how many posts do you think will be made about how not liking the Black Panther movie is an act of racism? A million?
7:20: Son of a bitch, this emotional promo with the "we stand together" lyric and Sad Piano Chords they've been running 89 times a day is gonna singlehandedly brainwash me into catching up on and coming back to Seal Team.
7:21: WOOHOO!! Despacito is officially the most fun I've had on the awards so far. I hate that this is true, but it is; I love it. This song is so happy (and so much better without the Biebs!), you can't help but smile and dance. Favorito, favorito, baby!
7:24: *happy sigh* Well my mood just improved 600%.
7:25: *snort* "Childish Gambino." It's so weird to hear people refer to him like that with a straight face. This must be what it's like for Dwayne Johnson's friends to hear people call him The Rock. ...anyway this song ("Terrified") is very dull. But at least it isn't rap.
7:37: "Best Rap Album" did we not already do this once tonight. (update: "Damn, Kendrick Lamar" is both the winner and my commentary on it.)
7:42: It's really, really difficult for Pink to not impress me, but I am kind of going to sleep during this song ("Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken"). 0 for 2? What the hell, my eyeballs don't even recognize these numbers.
7:43: Ohhh, is that her daughter she just waved at? I didn't even know she had a daughter (update: TWO KIDS where have I been), but aww.
7:46: Promo for a movie called "Midnight Sun," what is this? *interested noise* I feel both of these kids could be cast better for the romance they are trying to sell, but still, sounds right up my alley. Is it based on a YA novel? [edit: no, remake of a Japanese movie]
7:47: Also, wait, THAT'S Bella Thorne?? I've been wondering why I see her name all the time. I only know her as the "author" of a YA novel I see in the dollar store, whose name I presume was slapped on because she's famous, but I could never figure out why she was famous enough for that.
7:53: SUBWAY CAR KARAOAKE AL;SKDJFAKL;SDFJAKSDFJKLSDF I love it. I never watch the late shows anymore, but sometimes I regret that deeply because Corden is just SO charming and affable.
"It's for the Grammys!" / "Not for this grammy! I don't want to be on your stupid YouTube video!"
OLD GRAMMY IS MY NEW FAVORITE PERFORMER OF THE NIGHT.
7:54: I remember being told this was Cardi B but also... what... is happening in my face right now.
7:55: So Bruno Mars and I have been frequent radio enemies in the past, but sometime in the past couple of years he kind of turned himself around. Not sure how. His songs got less boring? He stopped oversaturating Glee? I really liked that parody Tumblr made with Romeo and Juliet and Uptown Funk? His niche was polluted by far worse people? I was brainwashed when I accidentally watched the beginning of that special in December where he walked around New York surprising random people with tickets to his show that night?
I dunno, but I'm finally starting to appreciate his natural charisma and pleasant charm. This is a very watchable and listenable lil' performance he's got here. It's no Uptown Funk, but few things are.
7:57: Why is Best Comedy Album taking up air time on my music show? Seriously. I assume Dave Chappelle has been sticking his nose into everything all night because he's won, but -- yep, there it is.
7:58: Haha okay his short-n-sweet speech cracked me up.
7:59: CONSOLATION PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god. That is so much better than a Grammy award. In fact, let’s just cancel the rest of the show tonight and have an early bonus Puppy Bowl. Can we do that? Just follow the puppies around to the background music of whoever is on stage?
8:02: OK I got distracted posting that on Tumblr, but I JUST HEARD A JAMAICAN ACCENT SO I'M BACK. (I told ya!) Shaggy, right? I genuinely have to ask these questions. Also, damn those cute puppies for distracting me at the most inopportune moment, because Sting + "Englishman in New York" is the 4th highlight of the evening.
8:04: Quick question why are we rebooting Tomb Raider?? No. Leave it alone. I don't even like it, I just need you to understand literally no one could be more iconic in this role. (But I guess if you don't like the iconic look and want a very homogenous and mass produced looking Lara, this is the film for you.)
8:11: Did I just hear John Williams was getting a lifetime achievement award? There, now, that is what appropriate recognition looks like.
8:13: I neither love nor hate Rihanna's performance right here, so I'm gonna use this space to comment on her weight gain. (which it looks like she's on her way to dropping, actually, unless she was just wearing bulkier than necessary clothes before) For months, I've seen very little discussion of it online that didn't immediately devolve into "SHUT UP SHE'S NOT EVEN FAT SHE'S GORGEOUS AND HEALTHY" and like, no one is disputing those things! I just find it really fascinating that someone who has aways been so thin and toned as hell while constantly in the spotlight even could develop curves, and I want to know what happened! Was there something going on in her life? Illness, and/or reaction to a medication? Did she just go "screw it, I want to eat tasty things for a while and I'm too famous to fail"? Where are all the "Rihanna opens up about weight gain / loss" headlines I've been expecting to appear? I'm nosy that way! And I just feel like I'm taking crazy pills that it's apparently taboo to acknowledge this really intriguing, unusual change.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Rihanna has left the building.
8:17: A Wrinkle in Time! I've been seeing people talk about this for months, but I am still not able to remember the difference between it and Bridge to Terabithia. I've always confused the two books (neither of which I have read or wanted to read), all the way back to childhood.
8:21: Oh, Hailee Steinfeld's looking pretty tonight! [plain off-white strapless dress, could use a necklace but doesn't need it; perfect hair and striking blueish/purple eyeshadow] *camera pans down to show me thigh high purple
8:22: Best Country Album. Screw Little Big Town, but otherwise I enjoy all these samplings from people I've never heard, even though I keep swearing I'm gonna add a country station to my 5-channels-and-still-not-good-enough car rotation.
8:23: Winner -- Chris Stapleton. LIke I said, IDK who he is but I sense that he is more palatable to me in both music and personality than 60% of the people who have been mentioned tonight.
8:24: NOW IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE TIME FOR YOUR MIC SOUND TO GET WONKY, SHOW. (performance intro commemorating the victims of Vegas/Manchester attacks)
8:35: I love Janelle Monae and her outfit is somehow rocking, even though by rights it looks like thrift store fabric scraps sewn in flower shapes onto a quality black suit. (oh man, it just went to a wide shot and HOW LONG ARE HER LEGS?? Is she on stilts??)
8:37: Listen. Certainly I feel bad for Kesha, but not even these most extraordinary circumstances are enough to make me get over "before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack."
8:43: Is this the Social Issues Hour now? WHERE ARE THE
8:45: Listen, Bono, I would have really appreciated you at the top of the night but now I am just mad I'm not hearing "Havana." (this song [Get Out of Your Own Way?] is pretty listenable, though. Also -- wait, are they broadcasting from outside? What the hell fools decided to give an outdoor performance in New York winter after dark? It is definitely as unbelievable as they've been selling, but mostly because WHY WOULD YOU)
8:55: Song of the Year: I think we've established that Despacito should win. And that 4:44 (like all related Jay-Z songs from that album) is a hot circle of garbage. Julia Michael's "Issues" is passable but really kind of dull and a general waste of a pretty young blonde outside dance pop. I have no idea what this 1-800 song is; never heard of it. And I guess the Bruno Mars one [That's What I Like] would be OK too.
8:57: *chinhands* Bruno won, which is actually great, because now I get to hear him talk. How is it he can dress like a total douche -- long necklaces, dark sunglasses indoors, sequined jacket over what looks like white t-shirt, multiple shiny rings -- and just make it look like adorable, like a young Michael Jackson?
8:58: Petition for a GoFundMe to have DJ Khaled record an audiobook of Fire and Fury for real. Also Hillary Clinton.
9:00pm: ANNA (Kendrick) WHAT THE HELL put on a shirt. We've discussed this. Blazers are meant to have a layer under them, and bras/corsets do not qualify.
9:01: I'm so glad we live in a world where I can watch Miley Cyrus perform again without feeling pieces of my soul die. Her voice is so interesting and appealing to the ear.
(memo to Kesha: Miley threw herself off a trash cliff, yes, but she didn't start there, so she gets to come back)
9:03: Oh god her dress is so beautiful and classy I want to cry, and not the way I have for the past 5 years whenever I've seen her.
9:06: Why is Target so desperate to make this "The Middle" song / Maren Morris happen. Are they an official sponsor? Who even is she? She's cute though; looks sort of like Selena Gomez. Kinda sounds like her, too.
9:10: HOW HAS IT TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO REALIZE THAT JAMES CORDEN FEELS OFF BECAUSE LL COOL J USED TO BE THE HOST. In related news, I cannot believe he left this gig right before I finally started to appreciate him as a person.
9:11: Ben who? I hate this song ("Somewhere" from West Side Story). Blaine Anderson himself could not save it. So give me a cute face, fast, or -- oh, oh, BENJI! Pitch Perfect Benji! OK, yeah, that works. Let him through. (HAILEE WHERE ARE YOU. Get over here. Stand next to him or something. I need a visual shipper fix.)
9:15: ...another Broadway song? What does Patti LuPone have to offer me, I wonder? It better get good here pretty fast or -- nope, that ain't gonna do it. That's worse. (Don't Cry For Me Argentina)
9:25: FRICK was that the Celebrity Big Brother (U.S.) list?? I wasn't paying attention and I missed half of it, because I thought it was leaked days ago but those were not these names. I have been waiting for WEEKS to find out who is both famous enough to be considered a "celebrity" and also trashy enough to be on that show.
9:28: I know I should tell Eve to put on a shirt too, and maybe tell Shemar Moore to button his, but I am too distracted. He is a really good looking man. Like literally made of sex appeal. No matter how many times I realize this, I am always freshly stunned.
9:29: Come on, SZA. I was just on the verge of stamping you "acceptable" for your surprisingly pleasant singing, and you repay me by needing to be bleeped?
9:32: "Fifteen time Grammy winner" DAMN, Alicia (Keys). Nice.
9:33: Record of the Year: Once again -- I gotta pull for Despacito and boo Jay-Z, obviously. Bruno Mars would be the split down the middle.
9:34: YAY WE GET TO HEAR TINY PLUCKY BRUNO AGAIN. Dance your way up there, boy! "They cut me off the last time..." "Look at me Pop, look at me, I'm at the Grammys right now!" I AM UNABLE TO HANDLE THIS, THIS IS TOO CUTE.
9:35: That is...a lot of things still "coming up" for this time of night on a show we started half an hour earlier than normal.
9:38: All you need to know about the kind of person I am is that the preview for Rampage has me going, "oh man, all right, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. GIVE ME MY RIDICULOUS SMASH-SMASH MUTANT ANIMAL MONSTERS OF RAMPANT DESTRUCTION."
9:40: The fact that I just saw an entire promo for "Instinct" including neither of the two faces* who were supposed to overcome Alan Cumming's awfulness does not fill me with hope, especially after finding it 10x more grating in action than I was led to believe from the print summary alone. =/
(*Naveen Andrews / Khandi Alexander)
9:43: *chinhands* Oh how I love the President of the Recording Academy. Still dunno his name. He just has such a nice face + voice.
9:45: Somehow I never really come to terms with the sheer volume of celebrity losses each year until I see them all laid out in the In Memoriam like that. I'm still stunned by Tom Petty. And because none of them made a huge impact on me personally, I'd kind of forgotten, but -- Dolores O'Riordan, Chuck Berry, David Cassidy, Fats Domino, Chuck Berry, to name the few I had the speed to grab; these are a lot of big names.
9:52: Oh here, looks like I'm gonna find out what the 1-800 song from earlier is. ...wait, never mind, I do know this one. I switch stations on the radio every time I hear it. See what I mean about Alessia never quite locking in with me? Even the one song of hers I do have, Seventeen, has never been a top favorite in the library.
9:56: ...what is this patronizing "females are strong as hell" rhetoric this dude is rapping at me? (fyi I would like it better if he had actually said that line)
9:57: ...oh, that number goes to a suicide prevention line? THAT'S what this song is about?? Huh. I literally could not ever understand enough words in what little I heard to have any idea why the song was named after a number, and clearly had no modicum of curiosity either.
9:58: I need you to know that I literally dry heave -- with a physical convulsion -- every time I see a promo for a Fifty Shades movie, regardless of its content. The mere association is just that gross to me.
10:00: Album of the Year. Is this the big kahuna? Last award of the night? OK. LISTEN I have to check for Lorde on principle with this competition, even though I have been bored to tears by her new single, but again, I will take Bruno Mars.
10:01: YEESSSSS!! BRING FORTH THE LITTLE PRINCE.
10:02: "Can I tell you a little story? Don't cut me off, Grammys, please..."
And that is the last thing I was able to write down before I collapsed in a fit of squee because lo, they did not cut him off, and I barely even heard what he was saying because it was just so "beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure" in nature, and long story short that's it, Bruno Mars is my new favorite human being; I will probably never mention him on this blog again but just for tonight, he is king and champion of my heart.