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These Things I'll Never Post

Current mood: rereading "Death House AU Alternate Endings" for the 465th time and doing the helplessly happy giggle that I made that, and it's just so dark and precise in its devastation and I love it to bits. "Angell dies on the operating table, leaving a curse behind." CUE CHILLS.

But this post, this post is about things I have not posted, all locked up on my computer because even if I can push past my own self-consciousness, I am now in my 3rd year of indecisive "should I start over at AO3 or keep using my FFN account with embarrassing Digimon stories/poems from when I was 13 that I refuse to delete in case there is a single person who would be made sad to lose them" angst.

I keep saying I've stopped writing fic, but I've really only stopped posting it. Here is a list of current works in progress:

1. [The O.C.] The Sacred Simplicity of You At My Side
Summary: A phantom moment, 10 years on. [Ryan/Marissa]
500 words or less, sparked from prompt "Do you know what I'd give to have you back?" and this part that happened next:
"What?” she chirps from in front of him, wide-eyed and still 18, facing down his 28. The familiar mixture of relief that he can still picture her face well enough to indulge mixes with the guilt that he isn't over wanting to.

Status: complete

2. [The O.C.] untitled Ryan/Lindsey, alternate ending for 2x05
In which Alex be damned, Ryan takes his drunk-ass girlfriend home (to the pool house) instead of leaving her at the mercy of the girls. My dialogue is ON FIRE if I do say so myself, especially for someone who's never considered in-character dialogue her strength.

Status: I got all the way up to them having a conversation the next morning about the Mom-shaped nerve she struck with her behavior when my brain fritzed out, and it's been that way for over a year. 1325 words currently.

3. [The O.C.] ambitions like ribbons worn bright on my sleeve
Summary: AU post 4x04: instead of meeting Taylor, Ryan finds a potential career path

Specifically: that one where he decides to be an EMT -- yeah, I turned my headcanon into a whole-ass (800 word) fic. Good for me! It even has a brief coda I'd attach as a second chapter, a preview with him meeting a girl in class, my unnamed OC who is the only character I've ever been able to be happy about the idea of him ending up with post-Marissa's-death)

Status: 845 words, complete

4. [The O.C.] untitled but looking for a lyric from a song about a younger sibling, because of Reasons!
A character study in which I warm every corner of my heart by summarizing Ryan's involvement with and adoration of Sophie (and vice versa) as she grows up, from newborn to roughly age 5. Could definitely be stronger if I had more hands-on experience with babies/children, but eh, imma declare my own memories fair use.

For Sophie, Ryan lines up stuffed animal parades and listens to their elaborate biographies. He spends hours helping construct block cities for her pleasure in destroying. He consents to wearing a princess crown, and then to a photo op that Kirsten deems “too adorable” and which Seth will hold over him for the rest of his life.

status: 550 words, maybe 70% complete? I don't really have an ending or a solid beginning, and I'm not sure I'm done imagining cute things either. I also am not sure how to work Seth into it and show Ryan having more of a presence in her life based on his sheer proximity while Seth is across the country at college most of the time, without making Seth sound like a total jerk.

5. [Superstore] untitled Amy/Jonah fic
My personal headcanon for how they get to their first kiss, trading sections back and forth about the little ways their attraction to each other grows, which sprang into existence almost fully formed at the end of season 1 and which is frankly so preferable to the route the show took that I think it really helped kill my interest in canon.  (I'm not saying the tornado kiss wasn't amazing, because it was, but the show got bogged down in the ugly and dreary realities of divorce and worse than divorce, and mine doesn't get that far)

status: about 1500 words so far. I feel like I need one more solid Amy section, and I gotta figure out how to describe the actual kiss in a way that both satisfies my shippy needs and doesn't embarrass the hell out of me. Also I gotta woman up and ask my boyfriend some questions about how retail works because I am too scared of a real beta reader but also scared to be dumb about a kind of job that soooo many people have had.

6. [Zoo] To The Place I Recognize *or* Though Your Kingdom's In Flames (You Hold Your Ground)
Summary: One more step before the cure leaves room for one more tragedy. Salvation rarely comes without sacrifice.

I have whooped about this one in the past, but as quick reminder: Post-2x10 alternate route for getting Allison out and Mitch/Jamie in.
status: the second fic of my in-jokey quote "two 1500-word fics chilling in My Documents, 95% finished and doomed to stay that way forever because I can't write the kiss that is the crux of both stories to save my liiiiife." Also because IT IS EXCRUCIATING TO ME THAT I CANNOT CHOOSE WHICH TITLE I WANT. The first one makes more sense but I just love the second one so much more.

7. [Zoo] Things Mitch Morgan Will Never Say / Things Jamie Campbell Will Never Say
A 2-chapter list of sentences, arranged like a prose poem I guess, set in season 2. Born of the Notepad doc "JUST GO LOVE EACH OTHER DAMMIT," titled to give myself immunity from OOC accusations.

status: basically done except I think the first sentence of each one -- despite being the first ones I wrote that were actually the impetus for writing more -- are too self-indulgent and really might only be things I would have them say.
P.S. Look. Yes. I really, really like this Avril Lavigne song.

8. [Glee] untitled vignette
A short missing scene for 4x19, in which Blaine confronts Sam about "Evan Evans" and I take a crack at explaining why the latter appeared. This one actually has some lines that are such solid headcanon I forgot they aren't canon, like "It's not about what happened, it's about what happens next. [...] I've been trying not to think about next year, because everybody goes as far away from here as fast as they can, and I don't even know what I want to do."
status: a fair amount of sentence revising to do + I'm not sure how to end it, in part because I can no longer remember how "Evan Evans" was addressed in the episode, which was so meh that I have not watched it since 2013.

PART II
"Things I Will NEVER Post No Matter What But I STILL LOVE"

1. [NCIS: LA] Things I'll Never Say
Summary: Nell loves working with Deeks. She loves how much he and Kensi adore each other. She doesn't know what to do with the rest of how she feels about him. OR: Nell tries to sort out her complicated tangle of feelings regarding Deeks.

Honestly, this was mostly an exercise for me to work out why I think Deeks is attractive and how / why I can ship her with both him and Eric at once despite my intense Densi loyalty. There is probably too much of me in it, but at the same time, I thought it flowed really well because I feel like I really identify with Nell (never mind how much Eric reminds me of my boyfriend), and for as indulgent as it is, I don't think it's actually half bad, as far as private headcanons for unrequited attractions a person will never act on go.

P.S. I keep all of my NCIS: LA scrobblings in a file I have delightfully named "Densi Trash Fic." It began at the beginning of season 8 when I was impatiently waiting for new hospital scenes in each ep and desperate enough to spin out hypotheses based on spoiler spec. The above segment is ACTUALLY titled "NOW IT'S ALSO DEEKS/NELL TRASH."
===============
2. [Glee] untitled multi-chapter in which season 4 Blaine attempts suicide / is evidently successful until I feel the need to write a new chapter (3 so far)

Besides the fact that this is a hypersensitive fandom and I am not equipped to handle this topic with any sensitivity for readers who need discretion, there's way too much of me in this -- how did I spiral when Kurt refused to get back together, how would I react if it was my fault my boyfriend hated me even though it was only born of loneliness and self doubt, and just generally girl reactions instead of ensuring plausible boy ones. But god, it hits the spot when I need to cry about their breakup.

Honestly, there are more, but I am tired so out it goes.

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