So, I've heard this episode is really terrible. Let's see, shall we?
Wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT this is too many types of WTF to take. The disembodied voices of Rose shrieking and Doctor shouting, with nothing there, and the eerie vocals of the "Doomsday" music - is this some sort of preview of horrible things to come? But now I can hear snarling, like a flashback to the werewolf maybe? Is this, like, built on the ruins of the Torchwood Estate or something? Or is this like a parallel worlds thing, not necessarily in the show's sense, but like in ghost stories where you can hear events from times past even if you can't see them? SO CONFUSED! And I don't like hearing panicky screams!
*is jolted out of scene by cut to camera's POV* Oh, the annoying guy is a video blogger. Golly, I love him already. /sarcasm.
Oh, okay. Never mind all my crazy predictions, I guess it was just a run-of-the-mill monster. Although lately I've been thinking about how some of these aliens resemble Power Rangers monsters, and it's ruining the effect for me a bit.
RUSSEL T DAVIES IS BACK! *tackle hugs* Episode definitely can't suck, then. [a/n: okay, look, the man has fallen short on a fair few episodes, but he also wrote me
HEE! Oh my God, the Doctor waving a pork chop and talking to it like it's an angry dog, interspersed with "Get out of here!"...random, crazy stuff like this is why I fell in love with him back in season 1.
"Wrong one; you made it worse!"
"You said blue!"
"I said not blue!" Come now, Rose, you'll never beat out Sarah Jane as Greatest Companion of All Time if you keep on like that. And I love how the Doctor's just like "SIGH" as he heads off to save her again. But I rewound this like seven times. Doctor & Rose doing what they do are just such a joy to watch.
Running, running everywhere! HAHAHA! This has got to be the dumbest chase scene I've ever seen, and yet I can't stop laughing. I see we're not going to take ourselves seriously at all this week. PHILOSOPHIZE THAT, JACOB. (crap, he's going to find a way, isn't he)
Further on the previous statement, I was convinced I could never tire of the intensity of the DW recaps. But somewhere in the middle of Idiot's Lantern, I think, I changed my mind and began to find them exhausting. I just want to hear what happened, with some random tidbits of information and commentary thrown in! Every episode doesn't have to be hiding a complex statement on the meaning of life! Yes, I do feel better now.
"This is the story of me and my encounters with alien life forms." Oh dear God, this is boring. Okay, I apologize. Episode sucks. Hey, Elton, could you go away and take your piece-of-crap flashback episode to season 3? No? What if I say please? God, I'm only 8 minutes in and I've never fast-forwarded so much of an episode in my life.
Although Ursula is sort of adorable. ...oh! Just realized her voice sounded familiar and then immediately pegged it as Moaning Myrtle. WHEEEEE! I love this actress.
And...why do we have to catch the Doctor, exactly?
16 minutes in and I am BANGING ON MY HEAD ON THE DESK for lack of anything better to do.
Bad Wolf virus! SQUEEEEE!! Remember when recurring references didn't suck?
JACKIE! Are you here to rescue the episode? I think you are. Cheerfully flashing your knickers at strangers; this is why I love you. Your washing machine is broken, huh? Oh, Jacks, tell the truth. You were out trolling for men all along.
*sniff* Aw, poor Jackie misses her Mickey. I told you not to take him traveling with you.
Pictures of baby Rose! Too cute. I like seeing Jackie at home, her life when she's left behind; it's refreshing.
Seriously, don't any of them care why they have to catch the Doctor? Does Victor emit some kind of brain control that causes them to lose all freedom of thought?
"It's like that flat was jinxed." Ah, Jackie on the prowl. Tsk tsk. And OH GOD, I really did not need to see her in a miniskirt. *falls out of chair laughing*
And now Jackie is accidentally spilling wine on his shirt. Twice. Very clumsy, apparently. *ROARS WITH LAUGHTER* The woman is freaking hysterical.
Aw, reality check. *sobers instantly* This hurts, how deflated she gets after hanging up with Rose. *wibble* Everyone leaves home in the end, though, right? This would have happened eventually anyway, yeah? I know it's worse not knowing where she is, and knowing she's off endangering her life on a daily basis, but...oh, hell. This is really unexpectedly sad and I refuse to process it further.
OOOOOOOH. You're in trouble. "And I'll protect them both until the end of my life!" Dear God, I love Jackie more than I ever thought possible. Also, it's very touching that she includes them both in that statement.
Incidentally, I'm 30 minutes in and while I seem to have written quite a lot so far, the episode is basically still terrible.
Yeah, if it has claws, you should probably run without further contemplation and OH, DEAR LORD, THAT IS GROSS. That, that is, the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. It's like Fat Bastard, only twice as nauseating. Did not know that was possible. OK, I actually saw this in a macro before, but I've somehow been hoping I would never have to witness it in action. That maybe I could just will it out of existence, or maybe the person got confused and the cap was actually from Torchwood.
"You upset my mum!"
"Great big absorbing creature from outer space...and you're having a go at me?"
"No one upsets my mum." I love Protective Rose. *purrs*
Hello, Doctor! I've missed you in this episode! *glomps* Also, the Doctor always wins my love with the casual back-of-neck scratching.
*ignores rest of alien sequence* Oh, here we go, we're finally going to get an explanation for what the Doctor was doing in the house. And the answer is...
Oh - oh - HELL. What the EFF?! You could have written an amazing and eerie story about living shadows, complete with Doctor/kid interaction, AND YOU GAVE ME A STUPID VLOGGER AND FAT BASTARD'S ALIEN COUSIN?! FAIL! FAIL! THOR'S HAMMER OF FAIL!
"I keep thinking about Rose and Jackie. Of much longer before they pay the price." Hey, hey, HEY! There will be no doom-predicting in this episode, kthnxbai.
Okay, so, I'm not really sure that being a bald head sticking out of a slab of concrete is better than her being dead. In fact, I'm positive it isn't.
"It's a relationship...even got a bit of a love life." Oh, EW EW EW EW EW! *goes off to retch* *yells back from bathroom* "AND THIS IS STILL VAGUELY SORT OF A KID'S SHOW! If you can't say 'bitch,' you can't make dirty references!!"
Episode: *is finally, blessedly over*
Synthesis: Okay. WOW. What the hell? That was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. I'm actually angry that I just wasted an hour of my life watching that. Jackie Tyler's starring role notwithstanding, that could not have been worse. You realize, if by some odd chance that had been the first episode I'd ever seen, I would never have tuned into Doctor Who again?
In an attempt to reconcile this madness, I read more reviews than usual. All the positive ones seem to center around three things:
1) LINDA was a memorable cast (nope. not even a little bit. Well, a little bit with Ursula, but by and large they were as bad and useless as the Long Game version of Adam)
2) This was a very meta-like episode about Doctor Who fans (it might have been. NOT WHY I WATCH TV, HOWEVER. That's what I have blog networks for)
3) This is my favorite one - something about how the greatness of Doctor Who is its fluidity, and how we can just as rich and complex a story through the eyes of a bystander. (HAHAHA! As we have discussed time and time again, Doctor Who is amazing for two reasons and two reasons only: David Tennant and Billie Piper. Possibly also Jon Pertwee and Elisabeth Sladen, who almost tempt me to watch bits of Classic Who. But you get the point.).
4) I lied, this is my favorite one - "Why is it so outrageous to the Who-conservatives that this story hardly features the Doctor and Rose? How can any thinking fan think that this means it is "not proper Who"? Have you never read a book or seen a film which occasionally switches viewpoint or voice, even for a single chapter or scene? Have you never wondered what impact the Doctor must have on a planet he dedicates so much of his time to saving? Are we forbidden from seeing the ripples he makes in the lives of those he meets? Can we not be spared 45 minutes in which to see these things?"
Very Simple Answer: NOT WHEN YOU ONLY HAVE FOURTEEN EPISODES OF TEN + ROSE, YOU CAN'T.
In conclusion: Worst. Episode. Ever.
Up next: This is the one with the kitty, right? Kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty! *bounces with excitement*
I just realized I've powered through half a dozen episodes in 8 days. GEEZE, SELF, slow it down! You only have one more episode, and then it's heartbreak and then (for all practical intents and purposes) IT'S OVER!
Voice: Are you fetching the next episode?!
RS: I think I am.
V: You incorrigible savage.
RS: I love how I thought that phrase sounded familiar (in an awesome way), so I Googled it to jog my memory and realized...it's my own writing. *facepalm*