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There are a lot of songs, especially on the Top 40 station, that I don't like. There are dull songs and headachey songs and all manner of reasons for the disliking, but no song EVER in the history of time has filled me with such all-consuming, contemptuous loathing as Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl."

The first time I heard it, I literally stopped dead in my tracks, in stunned disbelief, that something so impossibly horrible could even exist. I now hear it approximately 2 or 3 times a day, without fail, and every single time I burn up with hatred and fury. And now the flist keeps mentioning how they can't help getting hooked on it, which is causing me physical pain.

So allow me to detail, phrase by phrase, exactly why this song makes my ears bleed and my eyes cross with rage: 

For the first few seconds, you hear just enough of the music by itself to realize that this would be a definite dance hit in the right hands. Then the words start, and suddenly the music isn't worth two bits.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
-Well, we know how I feel about people not planning and doing things willy-nilly. But let's move on.
I got so brave, drink in hand
-Don't use alcohol to overcome nerves. Is that not obvious? I feel like that should be obvious.
Lost my discretion
-Is it obvious NOW?
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
-Right here, you get your first taste of where this song is headed, and precisely why I take such offense to it.
I'm curious for you
-Great! You know what I do when I'm curious about someone? I consider...talking to them. Novel idea.
Caught my attention
-You know, that phrase "girl crush" doesn't have to mean the same thing as a regular crush. Really. You could stop there, with attention caught, and everything would be just fine.

I kissed a girl and I liked it
-Would you listen to her attitude? It's not "I kissed a girl, I liked it, and now I've realized something about myself." It's "Haha, a kissed a girl and I'm not ashamed, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?" Basically, it's more about flaunting it for the reaction than the action itself. I have a problem with that ostentatiousness.
The taste of her cherry chap stick
-I should think the taste of chapstick would be kind of gross, personally
I kissed a girl just to try it
-Really? Seriously? Just for the hell of it? That's not a thing you do for the hell of it. You don't kiss *anyone* for the hell of it, but I'm especially annoyed that she appears to be getting all this attention because ooooh, she kissed a GIRL, she's all rebellious!
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
-OKAY. RIGHT THERE. THE CHEATING THING IS NOT OKAY.
It felt so wrong
-No, no, no, *headdesk* I despiiiiiiise with every fiber of my core the explanation that "ooh, it feels so wrong, isn't this great?" If it feels wrong, it is wrong, at least for you. I would think that would be simple and self-explanatory.
It felt so right
-Right and wrong are not on a circular path. Things do not become right if you make them wrong enough.
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
-No, really?? Then perhaps you should not be kissing random people? Just a thought. A suggestion to ponder.
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
We know. I personally do not care, except in the way it annoys me that you're declaring it this way to get a reaction. Which I realize I'm feeding right into with this post, but someone has to go slap the children's heads together and at least try to make them feel ashamed about buying into her crap. It makes me feel better about myself. Yes, I am a stuffy old lady trapped in a 20-something body.

No, I don't even know your name
-OK, if you're going to kiss random people, you could at least learn their name first. That's just disgusting.
It doesn't matter
-Because chicks are here to be used and/or objectified, even if you are one!
You're my experimental game
-This is the biggest problem I have in the whole song. This whole concept of "experiementing" makes me angry, because this song is not - contrary to what many of its whiny teen supporters claim, so far as I have seen around the internet - a gay-rights/pride song. If it *was* that type of song, as the title might make you believe, it would actually have some merit to it. I could actually very much respect a singer unafraid to blatantly declare that her love song was about another woman. This is nothing like that. This is "I'm usually straight, but I thought it would be fun to mess around in the other camp! Because that's what all the kids are doing these days."
Just human nature
-Isn't this a contradiction of what you just claimed? Experiment implies a choice; nature is automatic.
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
-And that's why you're doing it, right? Not because you're finding yourself, but because you want to break all the rules.
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
-Obey what? Your own choices? If you can't control what you're doing, it's definitely time to put the drink down.

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
-See, you could take lines like this with a different beat and context, and they would actually make sense. I kind of like this imagery.
Hard to resist so touchable
-So are police horses and seeing eye/assistant dogs, and yet somehow, I know better than to go around touching them just because they're there
Too good to deny it
-*throws up hands* I don't even know what to do with this song anymore.
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
-Innocent! Really! With the cheating and the drinking mixed in with the making out? And no big deal, just singing a song to draw attention to yourself for being all DARING and WILD? Um, no. Not really. Get off the radio now, kthnxbai.
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EDIT: RS has a checklist now, of Nice & Naughty friends.  Nice friends get the dance icon in their comment reply.  Naughty friends get a repeat of the "ew" icon**.  Behold!  *is entirely too amused with the pattern in her lengthening list of comment replies*  

**Please do not defriend RS over such a reply.  This would make her sadder than listening to "I Kissed a Girl" for 24 hours straight.  *melodramatically clings to flist*   

Comments

rainbowstevie
Jul. 3rd, 2008 07:42 pm (UTC)
*checks off list* So that's one for RS's good side... :D

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