-Oh my damn, 60 million votes?? We're finally up in Idol territory!
-Once again, a reminder of the top 20 (apologies if I'm out of order): let's see, did absence make the heart grow fonder? Will I someday miss season 4 like I miss season 3? Well, considering the first girl voted out was Rayven, whom I NEVER STOPPED MISSING...on the other hand, there's Jamie. I still don't know who he is and had in fact forgotten about his existence.
-Susie and Marquis, they of weirdly pinched faces, who went wonderfully early and haven't been missed since!
-Chelsie, who in retrospect was SIXTEEN THOUSAND times better than Katee and in fact many of the girls, and Chris, whom I might have actually grown to like if he hadn't sweated so much.
-OI, I HAD FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH I LOVED MATT. And Kourtni, whom I love now that I found she's from my home state just a couple towns over!
-Thayne! Didn't make a big impression on me at first, BUT HOLY COW, SO MUCH EASIER TO LIKE THAN JOSHUA. (less sweaty) And Comfort, who was UNEQUIVOCALLY AWESOME.
-Kherington, who shouldn't have made it as far as she did but still should have kicked Katee's tail once she got there, and Gev The Horndog whom I don't miss at all!
-Will, my should-be winner! WIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL! What, not even a stock shot of Jessica? Don't pretend she didn't exist!
-Boooooooo, Chelsie and Mark.
-Top Dawg Judges, 2008: Mia, Debbie, Adam, and Lil C. OK, see, Mia I understand having a front row seat, but Adam? I know he had one last year, yet I'm still mystified. And then there's Debbie, whom I can understand since she didn't get to sit in all year even if I still think she's a New Agey flake. And I know Mandy can't be there because she was there last night, but LIL C?! WTF. Who made him the new king of the hip-hop world? I WANT SHANE.
-So they're doing a little recap montage, to which I say NO, DAVID COOK, NO. *mutes before his song can kill my good mood*
-HOLY CRAP, I GOT SHANE! Omigod, this one dance almost makes up for the whole season. I don't even remember if it's new or recycled - I thought new, but my review from last year says that season 3 just recycled the very first group performance - but it doesn't matter. Because it's SHANE SPARKS and very entertaining. Especially, and I apologize for saying this, when Gev came sliding in and then launched himself into a one-handed handstand.
Judge Favorite 1: Joshua/Katee, Bollywood
Bollywood! Good choice, Nigel. I remember this being a lot faster and more exciting the first time around, but that's what YouTube is for. I completely agree that this is one of the standout performances of the year, one which we'll be remembering for quite some time to come. Personally, I want to see the "American Boy" hip-hop routine - every time I hear that song on the radio, I smile.
Judge Favorite 2: Courtney/Gev, slow rumba to "Wishing on a Star", sparkly black dress
I don't even remember this dance, although that might be because I hated this partnership. Damn, I do love her dress, though. Dance has such beautiful things you can't wear anywhere else. Oh, right, butt-grabbing. I remember that. Still a boring dance.
-The Popping Battle: FRIGGING STUPID, and OH how I want to punch them both in the neck. That's it, channel jumping time RIGHT NOW. I'd even rather watch Big Brother than this. *peeks back at FOX* NOT TO MENTION THEY ARE DANCING TO A GODAWFUL TOP 40 SONG [Kanye West, "Stronger"] THAT I AM FORCED TO LISTEN TO WAY TOO MANY TIMES A WEEK ALREADY. HATE HATE HATE. Last night's good mood seems very, very far away.
Seriously, that whole segment took up more than five solid minutes and was the biggest waste of time ever seen. The Happy Dance tapes look fun compared to this.
-WHY THE FRAK is "Step Up" even *one* successful movie, much less a goddamn franchise? My lasting impression of the previews consists of sweaty, gritty people, and I just cannot understand how that was supposed to be even remotely attractive to viewers.
Judge Favorite 3: Will/Comfort hip-hop
Dammit, I can still hear "Forever" playing in my head even on mute, and so I STILL cannot friggin' appreciate the majesty of this pair doing hip-hop. Will have to save it for at least a year, I suspect.
Judge Favorite 4: Chelsie/Mark, Bleeding Love
Whatever; that's crap. I WANT AMERICAN BOY. (which is also Top 40, but much less overplayed, and anyway I heard it here first) [edit: OK, for some reason the internet thinks BL is the best dance of the entire season, which WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. I guess I have to up my rage a little to counterbalance it...I hate this dance, much like I hate anything that pretends there are sparks between Mark and
-*still has mute on; missed opening of next number* Who the heck is - OH WAIT MARY'S DANCING. Holy crap, with Dmitry! (COUGAR.) You should have told me this was coming, damn it; I would have paid attention. Remember last year when I was hoping we could someday have the choreographers dance? Well, it's not a group number, but let me just say that I AM FINDING THIS FANTASTIC, despite the fact that it's ballroom. This is the most likable Mary has ever been!!
Judge Favorite 5: Katee/Will Ballet
Is there a rule that all the faves have to include a top 10 member?! HALF MY FAVORITES GOT VOTED OUT BEFORE THAT POINT. And stupid friggin' Katee to the stupid friggin' David Archuleta song...I can't do this again, I just can't. *mutes*
Judge Favorite 6: Courtney/Mark's Creepy Garden Hip-Hop
Ooh, I never got to see this one! And that was a good thing, apparently, because this is creepy and a little gross, and why you would ever want to watch it a second time is beyond me.
-TOLD YOU. FOURTH PLACE GOES TO COURTNEY. Aaaand, just like last year, my second-favorite is out of the running first. Go Twitch Boss, go Twitch Boss, go!
-5 Guys Named Moe: Sorry. I'm getting tired, and this isn't gonna do it.
The Most Talked About/Divisive Performance
Why did you have to ruin this dance for me by reminding me it's from the thing that WADE LEFT US FOR? It's like going to see a performance by your ex-husband's lover. ...And I hate that's it's freaky and fantastic and so totally the kind of thing that I would love to see live. It's like the dark side of Alice in Wonderland. The uber-creepy answer to Cats. But cooler than Cats could ever hope to be. DAMN I miss Wade. This is some disturbing sh...stuff. I am down with disturbing! Noooo, don't take off your masks! No, that made it stupid! Oh well, it was like 90% awesome, anyway. And LOL, afterwards the audience is looking like, "WTF."
[edit: no really, I LOVED that performance. Second best part of the finale, no joke. (the best is yet to come) It's depressing that so many people online think it's weird or stupid. Guess I'm just more enlightened. I particularly love how it started with the on-screen text "Homage to all the rabbits who died in the hands of incompetent magicians." Very emo-teen statement, yet fantastic.]
-Cat's here to announce third place, or what I insist upon assuming is third place even though the show has a maddening policy of not officially saying so because they seem to hate individual ranking. Twitch is goin' down. *iz sad*
OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD.
OMIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Holy shit! HO shit! Ho SHIT I did not believe that was possible! I thought she was guaranteed at least second! Holy DAAAAAAAAAAAMN! *imitates Nigel's "Hallelujah!" scream and wave*
OH. Wow, that's new. F you, Katee, and your $50 grand award. They totally drummed up this prize just because *she* was the top girl but not overall winner, didn't they? Anyone else, I'm feeling like they wouldn't have bothered.
-TAP ROUTINE! GROUP TAP ROUTINE! See, THESE kids are good, and a joy to watch, not like that little tumbling freak. I am being hit with such a huge wave of June recital nostalgia! Joyyyyyyyyyy! Oh wow, and NIGEL IS UP ON STAGE DANCING TOO! TWO choreographers dancing tonight; happy happy joy joy!
Better than most of the encore performances tonight, it is so much fun to watch Nigel grinning away. He's in his element. No wonder he ditched Idol for SYTYCD full time! I love how this show is his baby; I just want to hug him all the time, and once again I wonder how I ever had any appreciation for the caustic Simon Cowell.
Judge Favorite 7: Twitch/Katee/Door
FUCKING DOOR DANCE. Way to take away my joy. This is why I dumped Mia, remember? That's it, I'm officially switching stations for the next 10 minutes.
-*is late getting back* Wait, wait, WHOA, THIS song (Burnin' Up) is the Jonas Brothers? I thought it was Maroon 5. And who the HELL is the creepy huge black guy ruining any chance they have of appeal for me? You know what, doesn't matter. Jonas Bros. =/= Hanson. Wish I'd fangirled Hanson a decade ago like everyone else...
[edit: however, now I'm a touch curious about their names and how old they are and...aw, damn it, the cute one with curls is the young one. That is specifically why I chose not to arbitrarily pick a favorite! Oh well. Jonas Brothers still =/= Hanson. I never said I *liked* that song, I just recognize it off the Top 40 station.]
Judge Favorite 8: Twitchington in White
Ohhhh, when they started talking about at first I thought it was gonna be the bed dance, but I forgot about the Viennese Waltz to CELINE DION! Which, by the way, is now one of my favorite songs of the summer thanks to this show introducing it to me, even though this is a slower version than what I've got. Still. PRETTY, and I'm quite pleased with Debbie. I loved seeing this again, even though I could hardly care less about the story behind it.
Judge Favorite 9: Joshua/Katee, No Air
Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm NOT watching the No Air crap again. Celine Dion > Chris Brown. And I fucking HATE the fact that Katee has been in more of the reprised routines than any other dancer. That's unfair on every level, not least of all the fact that it's making my night extremely unwatchable.
The Best Part of the Finale (stream-of-consciousness mode)
WTF, Blake is freaky looking. I do not remember him being so -- LAUREN OMIGOD! I liked you better w/ short hair, believe it or not.
Wait, Allison? Allison Holker? I do NOT recognize her. Weird.
NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIL! NEIL NEIL NEIL LOVE LOVE LOVE.
DONYELLE, MORE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Awwww, and she's getting married!!!
Sara was kinda fun at times!
LACEY, WHEE! [edit: Oh my God, what is wrong with me.]
BENJI: FOREVER LOVE
Dmitry! LOL, the shirt-ripping moment is forever immortalized.
SERIOUSLY, GO NEIL.
Season 1 is fuzzy to me, but I vaguely remember Ryan with his anime/Yu-Gi-Oh hair!
THE BEST OF SYTYCD = OMIGOD I LOVE YOU.
I HATE this idiotic Rihanna song, but as for the dance, adore it! It literally *is* the best of SYTYCD; all my favorites are there except Musa and um, oh yes PASHA, and I probably wouldn't put Anya or Dominic or - is that CEDRIC?! - in there, but otherwise, *perfection*.
Wait, whoa, is that Ivan? But he has such long hair -- OH MY GOD IT'S MELODY DANCING NEXT TO LAUREN; MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. AND THEN THEY'RE FOLLOWED BY NEIL. HOT HOT HOT! And Anya's looking shinier and more energetic than she ever has in her life!
Oh yeah, Ryan and Hok, WOOHOO!
I EVEN SEE JAIMIE! OH MY GOD, FOR ONCE I *DIDN'T* WANT THE MUSIC TO STOP!! FLAILING WITH LOVE SO MUCH A LOT ENCORE.
[EDIT: WTF, the internet is full of people who think that was horrible or a waste of time or were like "I don't know these people," which, HEADSLAP, SLAP SLAP SLAP. This was better than the vast majority of season 4. I loved hearing about all my favorites. I love hearing how awesomely successful they are. I also love the fact that I haven't seen that icky little pixie Sabra, outside of the theme song, since she won last year. NO SABRA = HAPPY ME.
But, um, aside from that, people really need a headslapping. You don't reject a chance to see Hok or hear how happy Donyelle is. 90% of the people here are greater than 90% of season 4's contestants. Is just standard fact.
-Oh man. This is suddenly killing me like no other elimination this season. I'm waiting with bated breath, relieved that it can't be Katee but suddenly tense and terrified with hope. I'm on the edge of my seat. And the winner is...
I take back that exclamation point. "Joshua."
Aaaand, now I'm feeling pretty blahcakes about the whole thing. I'd be ecstatic if Twitch had won, but with Joshua it feels more like "well, I said anyone but Katee, and that's what I got." (here, Voice, have $200) It didn't ruin my life like Sabra's win did, but aside from being kind of a hilarious "F you" to his football coaches, it's really just not special. Meh. Another year closed; probably I'll watch it again but I'm glad it's not happening for quite some time. I need a long, long break.
[edit: my random travels about the internet have reminded me that Martha was missing from my Best Contestants Ever list (forget Musa! MARTHAAAAAAA! How could I forget you!) More importantly, I discovered that Ben was among the crazy rabbit dancers. BEN! REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS UNFAIRLY KICKED OFF WAY TOO EARLY IN SEASON 2 AND I SULKED FOR WEEKS BECAUSE HE'D BEEN MY FAVORITE? For all that I flail about Benji, he was only my substitute favorite that year. Ben!]
In other news, I haven't watched any part of the Olympics yet. I used to think they (at least in summer) were fantastic when I was a kid, but then 2004 didn't start until September, when I was a lot more focused on trying not to DIE OF HOMESICKNESS AND ANXIETY ABOUT MY HOMEWORK LOAD at the beginning of college. And now I just have no urge at all. This makes me a bit sad.