Yes, I’ve given the O.C. another chance. It’s back on my watching schedule full time. But only because I can watch Grey’s Anatomy and CSI online. Given that, also because I like Seth andSummer, and I like making fun of the rest of it, and I have that morbidcuriosity to know what’s going on in my characters’ lives. I can’t stay away from this show forever;it’s addicting.
So, what is a rantview? It is something I used to do when I was very young and immature while watching X-Files in seasons 8 and 9, and which I kicked back up during season 1 of O.C. Much like its name suggests, it's a review done as a series of numbered points which correspond to whatever thoughts jump into my head as I watch it. This usually involves me ranting, because there are just so many things to dislike. Also, doing reviews this way make the otherwise irritating show...well, not fun exactly, but a lot more bearable. :D Here we go!
(I apologize for screwey formatting. IT doesn't like being cut and pasted from Word, I guess, and so it randomly deletes spaces. I will fix it later, promise)
Season 4, episode 5
1. What an adorableopening, with insomniac Ryan and sleepy Seth. Traces of the O.C. I fell inlove with still exist.
2. Why is Taylor wearing a Little Black Dress at like, 6:00 in the morning? What a freak. When she slippedoff her sweater, that was the point where I walked away to wait until I couldfast forward.
3. You know what theCohens should invest in? Locks.
4. Why does Ryan actlike it’s no big deal to walk into a room containing a hot girl a) whilesniffing a shirt and b) not even *wearing* a shirt?
5. Taylor: “Ifit wasn’t for you, I would be in France. Rightnow. Trapped…in a loveless marriage…”*narrows eyes* Would you stop rubbing it in? Don’t make me go punch Ryan in the face, because I so will. No matter how broodingly pretty he is.
6. Besides, Taylor,YOU HO-BAG, since when do you care about love? You can talk starry-eyed Shakespeare all youwant, but in the end, all you care about is sex, and you damn well know that.
7. Listen toher! “I am. At your command. Anything you want. Anything.” The subtext reading, I think, Oilmassage? Striptease? Lap dance? Something requiring the use of a dental dam? Missionary? Up against thewall? SRSLY. UP 4 N E THING. I say the dirty things TV can’t, but whichyou know are in Taylor’s head anyway. I’m disturbed how many I can come up with off the top of my head.
8. Taylor: “Life! Such a journey! Well, have a nice day.” My look is a lot like Seth’s right now. It’s the look that wonders if Taylor is either coasting through life on uppers, or just abit mentally handicapped.
9. Oh, themesong. One of the few good things leftabout this show. Just close your eyesand listen to the song, don’t focus on the slew of idiots in the credits.
10. “I’ve alwaysthought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough-and-tumble fun, but…”Yeah. That’s totally not at all what you’re thinking about now. SHUT IT, TAY-HO.
Seth:So ignore it, it’s probably just gas.
Me:Haha, thank you Seth.
Taylor: But then, when he kissed me…
Me:Please don’t bring that up.
11. Well, this iseasy. Now Taylor’s saving me the trouble of pointing out what’s wrongwith her. For reference, here are her exact words:
“‘Ah’, meaning, oh, that Taylor, she’s so pathetic. Someone’s the least bit nice to her, and she becomes totally obsessedwith them.” PRETTY MUCH, YEAH.
12. Then Taylor goesoff on a hissy fit about how she has a psychological predilection to becomeromantically attached over nothing, yes, because it’s all her mean old mommy’sfault, but SO WHAT. “Does that mean thatif by some miracle true love does come along, I should deny it?” Well, I’d have to say yes, Taylor. That is*precisely* what it means. Start therapynow and swear off dating until you learn to control your impulses. Even if it is true love, you won’t recognizeit, and anyway it will never be healthy until *you’re* healthy.
13. The phone convoover the balcony was hilarious. Aspreviously stated, I like moments that showcase brotherhood.
14. But Seth, sweetSeth…don’t you understand that warning Taylor Ryan is all messed up right nowonly makes her want him more? She*likes* damaged men. Even more than Ido.
15. Re: Kaitlin: MyGod. What. A little. Whore. *skips scene*
16. Okay. Right HERE is where the freeing-bunniesscheme became suspect on many levels. One, the rabbits did not seem ill or injured or distressed in any way. That was my first clue that this might not bethe horrible kind of experiment. Furtherconfirmed when Che failed to find out what the experiment was. And when the plan was to release the bunnies into the forest?? For fuck’s sake, these are tame,domestic bunnies. You release themin the woods, half of them will be dead tomorrow. Their natural instincts aredulled; they have no training or understanding of how to survive in thewild. They’ll be crushed by cars, pickedoff by every predator imaginable, have trouble finding food, and probably freezeto death on the first cold night. I toldyou Che was stupid; now I have proof. Idon’t blame Summer because she’s new to this whole caring-for-animals businessand she probably doesn’t know any better. Her understanding of animals is about the level mine was at age 10.
17. Also, um…why didChe have to break open the door with the alarms? Couldn’t they have just picked up the bunniesand carried them out a few at a time, back out the quiet way they came? I mean, it’s not like they have to worryabout the bunnies making noise. Therewas no actual need to draw attention to themselves.
18. Ew. Everything about the tennis lessons isgross.
19. Golf = boring. I refuse to watch any longer than it takes tosee that Bullet (Bullit?) is like the non animated version of the Texas OilTycoon on the Simpsons.
20. Aw, I love Seth’sprotectiveness. I give him more chancesthan anyone else on this show, because even when the crap he does isunbelievably bad (*COUGH* marijuana), when he goes back to being normal, he’sjust so perfect. Good boy. Save Ryan from Taylor’s evil clutches!
21. The Convo,because I like it:
Seth: Because you can’t.
Taylor: Why not?
S: I did not tellyou about Ryan’s sleep problems so you could use it for some weirdo seduction.
T: I’m not!
S: Are you a sleep therapist? Are you a certified, sleep therap -- Do youhave a little certificate from the American Institute of…uh, Sleep…Place? (that’s a classic, hilarious Seth line)
22. Dear O.C.: Thankyou ten times over for having Seth be the voice of my thoughts, and for havingTaylor continue to illustrate exactly what’s wrong with her. It spares me the trouble of analyzing; all I have to do is transcribeher lines! Continuing:
T: It’s true, youdon’t think I’m good enough.
S: That’s crazy. (Seth’s thoughts: “By which Imean, DUH.”)
T: ‘Oh, Taylor, she’s so funny, what a kook, but her and Ryan? Please.’
S: You need help, do you know that? (Me: Dear Seth: If Summer ever breaks up withyou, marry me.)
T: ‘I mean, she’sno Marissa.’
23. The conversationends abruptly, the words hanging bitingly in the air. You’re supposed to feel sorry for her at thispoint, but I am too busy jumping and cheering at the refreshing truthfulness ofthis situation. I need to go pay a visitto Marissa’s grave and apologize again, because the more episodes I see withouther, the more I miss her. Sure, if shewere still around, I’d probably be busy hating her, but even last year it wasobvious that Marissa > Taylor. I can’t explain why this is true. It just is.
24. Oh, so *that’s*Summer’s roommate. Ugh, what a pain shesounds like. Uber sarcastic and full ofherself. Summer looks like a sweetlittle dearheart compared to her. Theonly thing I like about her is the little Japanese emblem of good luck visibleon the shelf behind her, the calico cat with a raised paw. Maneki Neko, right?
25. I wanted to seehow much of a fuss I could raise about dorm room decorations, butunfortunately, the set designers did a good job of making them believable. My only complaint is why the beds aren’tlofted. Unless Brown has some kind ofweird restriction, I don’t know a single college student who *doesn’t* lofttheir beds to save space. (Other than methis year, but that’s because I have a single room which is literally ginormous-- bigger than the double room I shared in the apartment over the summer.)
26. Ugh. *vomits* Che literally oozes hippie smarm. I feeloily just listening to him talk.
27. Damn, Kaitlin hasa killer body. Not that I’m watchingthis scene, because I might hate the twins even more than Kaitlin.
28. I love Ryan’suncertain query as to whether or not she likes him. Actually, Taylor is rather convincing when she denies it. Without knowing better, I would have believedher. Remember what I told you about hertalent for lying?
29. T: What are youdoing here?
S:Bringing Ryan coffee, and *I live here*. (HAH!)
30. *sigh* See how nice and civil Ryan can be when he gently tells Taylor that he appreciates herhelp, but he needs to go through it on his own? Ryan could be a great friend. Whycan’t Taylor just leave it at that and be happy? I could probably handle them beingfriends. It would be refreshingly niceto see Ryan have a female friend. Nobody on this show has *friends*, they only interact with people they want to makeout with. No wonder I so crave all thescenes of Seth & Ryan.
31. Julie: “Yes, I’mgoing to Sandy’s benefit with a man called ‘The Bullet.’ Apparently he owns Texas.” Hee!
32. You know, the fact that Summer confessed should really have softened the deans up a lot, evenif she doesn’t give up her co-conspirator. I mean, look at her sweet, earnest expression. It’s not the baby-doll face of a girl who makes getting out of trouble an art; it’s the face of a scared girl who knowsshe’s made a mistake and is way over her head. It should be obvious even to strangers that she is not a true threat to anyone.
33. Oh, HELL NO. I am not watching a scene comprised solely ofthe two young witches I hate more than any character ever. *skips*
34. Okay. Now I understand how Summer gets kicked outof Brown, if Che frames her for all the crap *he’s* done. What a dillhole. Sum, please don’t take this lying down. Please? Fight it. Fight hard. Go to the dean and tell them Che did it; youhave no reason to protect him anymore. True, they might not believe you, but surely you have an alibi for thetrustee’s dinner that proves you were innocent. If you can get an alibi for even one of those things, it will lendsuspicion to his story, won’t it? Surelyshe can find character witnesses to testify that Che is the one that startedthe activism in the first place? Come ON! Otherwise, I’m lending a big F Youto Josh and his team of on-crack writers. I know what the show is called, but would it be so horrible to let justa couple of the characters grow up a little and move out of Orange County but still be on the show??
35. What I find mostamusing about Taylor’s high-class hooker dress (seriously, she looks likea professional escort) is that it deeply resembles the one Mischa Barton wears in that…one commercial for something.
36. Aw, father-son bonding. Poor Seth. You know, this whole 10:03 business has been bugging me…y’all know that Summer’s time is 3 hours ahead, right? Who waits for a call at 1:00 in the morning? Even for a college kid, that’s weird. Contrary to popular belief, we do sometimes get tired and want to go tobed early.
37. Seth: “You’resupporting the seduction plot?” My question exactly. I love Seth; he doesn’t want to see thecharacters ruined either. I think Sandy’s been losing brain cells as he ages. First he takes on Volchok as a client, now hesupports Rylor…
38. “Well, they’renot the most obvious couple…but then neither were you and Summer.” OH! *fumes* Do not draw comparisons there. Don’t you dare. I refuse to listen to truth!
39. T: Come on, youwere probably the president of the We Hate Taylor club.
R: I was the secretary.
Me: *refuses to laugh* Damn straight. *I*was the president.
40. Some people saythey like Taylor simply because she made Ryan smile, which apparentlyis as rare for him as it is for Horatio. These people are stupid. While I know this directly contradicts the command I preach for CSI, “take romance inany and all forms in which it comes,” this is the O.C. There is no shortage of romance. (or perhaps more appropriately,“romance.”) And Taylor? Is so notworth it.
41. I hate that Sethsees them dancing and suddenly decides to accept it. Apparently he’s part of the “Whatever makes Ryan happy” camp.
42. Dear Ryan: If Ididn’t know you were going to kiss Taylor at the end of this episode, I could kiss for you for flat-out stating “Dude, just forget it. I’m not going to date Taylor, okay?” Especially when SHE’S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Hahaha!! I laugh at Taylor’s pain.
43. Here’s another conversation that reiterates why Taylor is not entirely sane, and why Ryan is amazing.
T:I mean, what was I even thinking? You,and me…I must be totally crazy.
R:You’re not crazy, okay?
T:Ryan, I pretended to be a sleep therapist to seduce you.
R: Well that was crazy.
T: Well don’t worry,because I’m sure next week I’ll be totally obsessed with some guy who gives mechange for parking!
Me: *claps hands* Taylor is writing her own file for the therapist.
44. I don’t understandwhy Taylor stomped off in a huff because Ryan was about to tellher he “really liked her as a friend.” Considering they’d just established that he was dealing with a basicfeeling of emptiness, how could she expect anything more? On the other hand, he seemed genuinely upsetabout hurting her – which is more than she deserves – and you’d think Taylor would pick up on that. Besides, if she’s willing to start asfriends, it ought to be easy as pie to develop something more a little waysdown the line.
45. The Kaitlin and Julie drama is just…ugh. And Kaitlin’s perma sultry pout is really offputting.
46. What is this, thefifth time Taylor’s explained a reason to hate her? Well, I’ll record them all. “Here I am, getting a divorce, living like arefugee at Julie’s…Ryan’s nice to me, so I fall for him? It’s just totally pathetic.”
47. Oh, Seth, youdisappoint me again. Here Taylor had finally given up – you know how long it takes to make her give up on something?? – and if you hadn’t said anything she just might have faded out of sight, but noooo,you had to go and talk her into becoming a permanent fixture. Damn you, man. If you wanted Ryan happy, you should have called…wait for it…Sadie.
48. How cute isSummer in this scene, talking to Seth on the phone, petting the very fat andadorable white lop-eared bunny "Pancakes" curled up on her chest? This ismy very favorite part of the entire season so far. Everything about it is gold. Summer’s sad, soft, “Seth? You still love me, right?” almost brought tears to my eyes. But she can’t quite bring herself to spill the truth yet, so even though something’s clearly not right, she changes the topic to something simpler, and he lets her withoutpressing.
49. “What’s his name? No wait, let me guess. Is it Cyclotron? (no) Are you lying? Oh…is it Gorgon, the Destroyer ofCarrots?” HAHAHAHA! Forget my momentary disappointment, Seth isthe best boyfriend ever. He’s impossibly good at cheering people up.
50. Speaking of which, these two have been together since…what, the end of season 2 withoutinterruption? Yikes, that’s a damn longtime in TV land, and I smell change on the wind. Change that will probably make me stomp awayfrom this show for the third time. Butuntil that happens, I will deny the possibility. I want to believe in a naive and romantic future in whichSeth and Summer are part of the 2% of high school sweethearts who end upmarried. Because when you thinkabout it, he’s the most stable thing in her life. Life as she knew it really doesn’t exist anymore. She’s got a mom who ran off, a wicked stepmother who did the same, a dad who totally abandoned her for a job in Seattle (whatis UP with these characters running away to Washington?), her best friend is dead and her house has been taken over by the other members ofher dead friend’s family (did I hear even her BEDROOM had been commandeered by one ofthe girls? Like there aren’t about six spare bedrooms in that mansion?), with whom she has nothing in common. I want her to become part of the happy Cohen family.
51. Yeah. I’m not feeling the magic, so much, of the Ryan/Taylor kiss.
The end! Wasn't that fun?? T