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Rantview: The Summer Bummer

I like this format of reviews, don’t you? I won’t let it cross into any other shows, because it’s a mite confusing if you haven’t seen the episode (actually, it helps to be watching the episode as you read to avoid confusion), but for the O.C. I really think it works well.

I apologize in advance for the amount of cursing.

1.          Oh my God, that is one of the most disgusting fantasy sequences ever. I would say it’s the worst ever, but at least she mostly kept her clothes on. I’m sure there have been worse sequences, the memories of which I have repressed. But this is close to vomit-inducing all on its own. BLECH.

2.          How many times I gotta tell you: I don’t like the distorted camera lens. It ain’t cute on puppy folders, it’s especially not cute on Sandy looming into the picture with a frighteningly wide grin on his face.

3.          I hate the word “schmear.” Especially the way Sandy says it. It’s just a gross-sounding word. Also, that’s like, five times more cream cheese than I ever put on a bagel.

4.          Seth, I appreciate that your affections for Summer are unwaning, but you need to make time for Ryan, too. Love the note of panic in his voice when Seth says he’s leaving.

5.          Oh, poor Summer. Poor little dearheart. Well, at least it's not expulsion.  I’m acutely curious about the ramifications of this punishment, though. I mean, she got kicked out like two weeks before finals; does that mean she’ll fail her classes? Or will she just not get credit for any of the credits she’s taken thus far? Because…that’s a really cruel punishment, even without involving the police.

Edit: It wasn't actually that difficult to scrounge up Brown's discpline policies...

{C}6.          {C}AH-HAH! Didn’t I tell you? Summer has no home to go back to. Okay, I may have said that all she had left was Seth, but what I meant was “*after she gets kicked out of Brown*, he’s all she has left.”

{C}7.          {C} “Miss Roberts, you need to go home.” Most unsympathetic dean ever. Summer looks like she’s going to cry. Poor baby.

{C}8.          {C}Does Che know about Pancakes? I would think he’d be outraged (or at least as close to outrage as a stoned hippie pacifist can get) that she didn’t let him hop into the wild with all his science lab brethren. Che seems like the kind of guy who considers the concept of “pets” akin to slavery.

9.    Shut up Che, you are so full of crap. WTF is this nonsense about sacrificing the weakest gazelle? How about slaughtering the sick gazelle who infects formerly sane and healthy gazelles and tricks them into jumping off cliffs? (um…that analogy didn’t quite make sense, but you get the general idea)

10.       Summer: “Shut up, okay, before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire, and get high off the fumes from your burning flesh.” I totally prefer Summer’s comeback. Rage!Summer is back! She’s awesome. My sweet dreams tonight are going to be of Che roasting over an open flame.  (*pause* wait, is there a caroling joke to be made in there about Che's nuts roasting o'er an open fire"?)

11.       {C}Re: Che’s comment about the fact that she would use hemp shows he’s made a difference in her life. No, it merely shows that Summer has a keen grasp of poetic justice.

12.       {C}My GOD Che is thick. I feel like I need to bludgeon him with a blunt object to smack some sense into his dim-witted-ness, but he already appears to have been dropped on his head as a baby. Seriously, every time he talks, I go spiraling into rage blackouts. His slow speech and total inability to see reason are INFURIATING!!!

13.       {C}Oh, gross. This fantasy is even more disgusting than the first one. I don't want to be in Ryan's head in anymore. LET ME OUT. Three seasons wanting in, and this is how they grant my wish?

14 I was really enjoying the Kirsten-and-Ryan bonding time, because that boy is in desperate need of a mother and Kirsten has love to spare. I’ll just pretend she didn’t say that Rylor was cute. Because ew. Perhaps Kirsten is unaware of Taylor’s many fetishes and/or her tendency to fall in lust. Someone should tell her about the time Taylor tried to be a sex therapist for her other son; that probably lowers a mother’s opinion of a person pretty fast.  

15.       {C}Casa de Cooper? Bitch, please. Residency is not determined by the majority last name in the house unless that name is also on the property deed. Quit stealing Summer’s life.

16.       {C}Yeah. It’s so lame of Spencer to not want to get thrown in jail. Kaitlin, little whore, as the poor man keeps reminding you, YOU’RE IN HIGH SCHOOL. And not, like, a few months from graduating, but fifteen, which if you're in 9th grade is basically sitting on the border to pedophilia. Especially when the man in question is a few years past college.

17. I don’t feel even an ounce of sorry for Taylor. I told you not to kiss him. I told you not to press the issue.

18. …Ryan, why are you coming back to talk to her??

19. Oh my God! TMI! Stop talking about being a lip biter! Literally, every time Taylor starts talking, I have to fight a very serious urge to puke.

20. ARGH! I didn’t even get to finish writing “sweet, Taylor has a blog,” before she ruined it with the phrase “the erotic memoirs of…” and I stuffed my ears full of cotton.

21. I will never understand what makes water polo so popular. I mean, it just looks so…lame. I have a hard time believing that people aren't embarassed to be in attendance.

22.       I still don’t understand why Kaitlin is not among the most popular girls in school. At Harbor, the bitch attitude, the fondness for drugs and alcohol, and the high-end fashion clothes should make her a shoo-in. Also, I’ve never heard of a Pimps and Hos party. I never knew social suicide was a real thing either. I lived a very sheltered life in my oversized public high school. I don’t even think we had any cliques. If we did, I was unaware of them.

23.       Ryan: Things are…weird. And they’re about to get a lot weirder.

Seth: That wasn’t vague or ominous at all.

24.       Re: Bullet. What is up with the cheerfully naïve blunderbusses on this show?!

25.       I swear, before this season is over, I will find a way to shoot Taylor between the eyes. Hell, she’d probably enjoy it; she finds anime violence so relaxing. WTF is wrong with her?  (am not a hypocrite.  I don't watch my crime shows for the murders)

{C}26.       {C}Oh God, Ryan, since when did you become pathetic enough to try the “yawn-stretch-arm-around-her-shoulders” trick that has been mocked in every book, movie and television show about awkward first dates for the last twenty years?

{C}27.       {C}It’s like watching a rehearsal for a kiss scene between two actors who hate each other and can’t stand the idea of touching lips.   

{C}28.       {C}Ryan, why couldn’t you realize the weirdness two episodes ago and saved me all the trouble of trying to control my vomiting?

{C}29.       {C}Once again. Cohens. The lock was invented hundreds of years ago. They’re very inexpensive these days.

{C}30.       {C}“If he hurt you, I’m gonna hurt him.” Aw, Seth. Even though I don’t actually like bloody brawling, I tend to swoon over guys who take revenge on people who hurt their girl.

{C}31.       {C}But I’m also a hundred percent on board with Summer as she stammers “Wait, Cohen, I don’t like this…” I don’t want to see Seth lose his cool and get into a fight, even with a wimp like Che. Seth’s attractiveness stems from the fact that he’s willing to go to bat for you, but at the end of the day he’s much more comfortable snuggled up next to you watching anime. In a less creepy manner than Taylor.

{C}32.       {C}Another random digression, are Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson still dating? Because they’re one of my fairy-tale Hollywood romances (mostly due to their dogs), and even though my faith in those romances shattered with the break-up of Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon, the notion still makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

[Edit: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  As of three days ago they were reported officially broken up!  *sobs and beats head into wall* What about the dogs??  What of poor Penny Lane?  *grumble* Why can't anyone in stupid Hollywood iron out their stupid relationship wrinkles and stay together?  Why is this an impossibility?  Why do I care?]

33.       Sandy parenting! “Tell her you want to be friends for now.” SEE! How many times do I have to scream out that that is a fine line to hear? Otherwise, if he flat-out says this isn’t working, then instead of you both being single and friends for a while, you not only won’t be friends, but when he IS ready, he’ll be dating someone else. See Taylor, it’s all LOSE-LOSE.

34.       Summer is sleeping outside in cotton pajamas, and she still looks adorable. Especially with her little bunny hopping around.

35.       Julie parenting! For a kid that’s not even hers! Welcome to a scene in which I don’t hate Julie. Wow, Summer can fix everything!

36.       You know what bothers me most about the comic book store in the mall? The fact that the sign actually lights up to say “Not Open.” It’s just such a ridiculous waste of energy. Usually, when stores close for the night, they just turn off the glowing light.

37.       Taylor, the only thing more pathetic than your passive-aggressive jealousy ploy is the fact that Ryan is falling for it and letting it bother him.

38.       Summer’s dad was disappointed in her? After the s*** HE’S pulled in the last year? Oh, tell me you’re fucking kidding. That’s rich. That is rich.

39.       Seth and Summer are so cute when they talk on the phone.

40.       Ding-dong! It’s Che! Summer, please kick him in the balls for me.

41.       Damn it! She should have just let him die of dehydration on the front lawn!

42.       …the fucking HELL?! Che just handcuffed himself to her. There are so many ways she could deal with this.

a.        as previously mentioned, kick him in the balls

b.       punch him in the face

c.        scratch like a wildcat

d.       call the police

e.        call the police after performing choices a, b, and/or c

43.       Taylor: “To which guest room did you move my things?” While I appreciate the proper grammar, that is not why I quoted her. I quoted her to point that it has officially been recognized that THIS HOUSE HAS *MULTIPLE* GUEST ROOMS, so there was no reason Taylor needed to be a bitch and steal Summer’s room.

44.       The fucking ineffectualness of Taylor and Summer is the first Summer-related scene that’s pissed me off. (see, Kaitlin can *ruin* anything!) Couldn’t they have physically grabbed Kaitlin to stop her, instead of just sputtering indignantly? Grabbed the twins? Just taken possession of the kegs? Man, I wish I was in charge over there. I can put anybody in line. I can be scary. Trust me. At the very least, I’d have called the cops by now. Ryan, Seth, and Marissa are the ones the cops don’t like; Summer’s not even on their radar.

45.       *vomits* That’s it, I can’t hold back anymore. Kaitlin isn’t just a whore, she’s…I don’t even have words to describe her. Also, seriously, Seven Minutes in Heaven? Didn’t that die out in, like, 1989?

46.       Perhaps Riley’s boyfriend is gay.

47.       HAH! I called it ten whole seconds before Kaitlin. What is with the influx of gay on this show?

48.       Dinner scene: *refuses to watch*

49.       Party scene: Reminds me of the early days of this show, days I have blocked from memory. There was episode 2, and then there was Tijuana; there was nothing in between!

50.       I am disappointed in the end of this episode, as far as the party goes. Riley cried, I was neither sympathetic nor amused. Kaitlin was the one who finally called the cops, apparently not caring that Summer and Taylor could actually be the ones in trouble since they’re over 18, and in charge. Summer forgave Che in a wholly unsatisfying manner, but it wasn’t a total lost cause because Seth was smart enough to add the warning at the end, that it was more than he deserved.

51.       Ryan and Taylor are still ew. I am now howling like a wounded dog and the disgusting imagery of Taylor saying “Just because I want to use your body as a jungle gym…” Slutty ho! Also, remember how I didn’t believe Taylor when she rambled on about true love last episode? THIS IS WHY.

52.       Don’t – ugh, bleh, ew, OH MY GOD DISGUSTING DO NOT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT SEVEN MINUTES IN RYLOR "HEAVEN."   

53.       Although, I feel like I should get down on my knees and praise the show for not forcing us to witness it. Please tell me Autumn Reeser has a no-sex-scenes clause in her contract somewhere.

54.       Haha, it’s awesome when the show fast-forwards through parties for me.

55.       Huh. Aside from the fact that she’s using steel wool, Kaitlin is almost tender as she rubs the marker off Clown’s face. Very mother-hennish of her.

56.       ACK MY EYES! I should have known the camera would find its way into the Heaven closet eventually.

57.       Oh, what an adorable ending scene that was! Can this show just be all Seth and Summer and Pancakes, with occasional guest spots for the rest of the Cohens+1?

58.       Seriously, all joking aside, I was afraid this was going to end with some kind of gross bedroom scene, and instead it was Summer introducing him to her pet rabbit.

59.       Seth’s not an animal person?! *slaps him* That’s worth another offense! It comes right below my anger at the marijuana incident! It’s worse than lying about college! Well, maybe Summer can change his mind. That’s something nice to hope for.

60.       Plus Seth’s whispered “He’s beautiful” will remarkably feed the imagery for people who like to imagine the happily-married couple with their first actual baby. Though for the record, I prefer the bunny.

61.       Next week: Trippy dream sequences and another Marissa reference, WHEEEE!

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