But not really, because I got three hours of amusement writing out a bullet-point list of all the things wrong with it, the worst of which is the fact that Kaitlin was the most likable non-bunny character tonight. Here we go!
(My points are all really long and wordy tonight. There is also a lot of harsh cursing and general crudeness. Sorry. Blame the content of the episode, which mainly sucked. Also, I apologize if the formatting goes all screwey later on. Blame Xanga's inability to handle copy-paste transfers from Microsoft Word)
1) I hate when shows start on a high point halfway through an episode, and then rewind. I HATE THAT. Words cannot adequately express how much I hate that. Not only does it take all the fun and suspense out of the actual moment, it just makes me impatient with the next half hour, not caring what happens because I want to find out what happens with the stuff at the beginning. I cease to care about what led up to it. In protest of how much I hate it, I will not discuss this scene until later, no matter how much I laughed at Ryan’s threats to smack Seth with the windshield scraper.
2) I don’t care how much they want to have a 2 guy/2 girl core four, turning Taylor into Summer’s mall buddy does not make her the new Marissa. I don’t understand why these two are suddenly best friends and confidantes, anyway. I choose to believe this friendship is all in Taylor’s head, and Summer has simply run out of energy to keep telling her to buzz off.
3) Taylor: “Do you think it’s cheesy to get him lingerie?” No, but I think it’s kind of slutty, especially seeing as you haven’t even slept together yet. Could you look any more desperate for sex?
4) Taylor: “Is he gonna think I’m some kind of kinky, sex-starved divorcee?”
Me: … …
Me: *bursts into HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER* *rolls around on the floor, laughing* *begins to wonder if it is possible to die from laughing too hard*
Let me wipe the tears from my eyes and try to type…oh my God. First of all, he already knows you’re kinky. I know you’re kinky. It’s why I named you Kinkella. Second of all, you are sex-starved. I have a feeling that to you, going a week without sex = starvation. Third, if you have to wonder, it’s probably true.
5) “Summer.” “Atwood.” Is that Ryan/Summer flirting I see? No. I’m just desperate for them to have some kind of interaction. I don’t know why Ryan and Summer can’t be friends. They’ve known each other a lot longer than stupid Taylor.
6) “Ew. That’s my cue.” Ah, if only we could always be so lucky. *runs after Summer*
7) T: “Do you think I’m a whore?” *raises hand* I think you’re a whore, does that count?
8) … “I’m done babysitting you”? Um, whoa, LEFT FIELD? Summer, this is the boy who flies across the country to visit you at college, who stayed up talking to you for hours when you needed cheering up, who put off college an extra semester so you could be together (never mind why he wasn’t at college to start), and who has probably at some point held you while you cried. Babysitting? Maybe in years past, but not so much now. Lose the bitch attitude, please.
9) BOD fragrance spray commercials are disgusting. Rock-hard abs are nice, but hugely muscled arms and torso are not, and more to the point, the guys in those commercials are all sweaty and gross. Ew.
10) When I first saw this scene – Taylor in the bathroom – I thought, damn. It is just like Taylor to keep track of her periods in a planner somewhere.
11) Julie? What the hell? Why is the male prostitution ring still going on? What part of ILLEGAL didn’t get through your head? What part of YOUR HUSBAND NEARLY WENT TO JAIL FOR HIS ILLEGAL FINANCIAL ACTIVITIES didn’t leave an impression on you?
12) Also, why is Kirsten still sitting around like the bored housewife she was last season? Wasn’t this business…her idea? Shouldn’t she be spearheading most of the work?
13) Jimmy’s hosting a party on his boat. And he won’t be calling his only remaining daughter. I’m going to pretend it’s because he’s still grieving over Marissa. As you may or may not recall, she was daddy’s girl, while Kaitlin is a miniature Julie. I never got the impression the younger one was particularly close to her father.
14) Hey, Bullet! Everyone, meet Bullet: He’s the new Gus. One you can’t rid of by reminding him you have a gun. His insuppressible enthusiasm is endearing; I’m kind of starting to like him.
15) “We have nine months before we go to college. This is the last time in our lives we shouldn’t have to worry about stuff,” says Seth, rather adorably. Excluding the fact that you should already be in college, HE’S TOTALLY RIGHT. Summer’s a moron; she should be happy she’s got a cute boyfriend who’s happy to just hang out at home with her. Besides, all I ever do for New Year’s is sit at home and watch the celebration in Times Square on TV. But then, I suppose there would be no episode.
16) I love how the Cohens have no problem allowing their son to hook up in a hotel room, so long as he promises to be “safe.” I love how nobody remembers Theresa, and/or thinks Ryan should have learned something from that fiasco.
17) I’m starting to really hate Spencer and his non-law-abiding ways. Mostly because I’m sure there’s some hypocrisy in the fact that he’s okay with being a gigolo but won’t kiss a high school sophomore. If you’re gonna break the law, you might as well go all out.
18) *gasp* Ah! For some reason, until this very moment my brain did not connect “Kevin Sorbo” with “Hercules.” Duuuuuude.
19) Pancakes! God, I love that rabbit. He looks so plush and soft and cuddly. Every moment he’s on the screen fills me with glee. I love that Summer wuvs her wabbit. And for anyone tempted to complain about how she lets that rabbit hop free all the time, rabbits are quite clever and are easily house trained.
20) Taylor is fucking sick in the head. No one, and I mean no one, keeps track of someone else’s cycle, much less mentions it to that person. Also, BS on the whole “a week and a half late” thing. News Flash, not all women go the perfect twenty-one days in between. There is even such a thing as "skipping months altogether." All I can fathom is that maybe it’s supposed to be regular if you’re on the Pill? I don’t know if Summer is or not, but even so, Taylor wouldn’t necessarily know that. And so while it’s understandable that Summer might be worried about being late, Taylor should NOT jump to that kind of conclusion. Because as previously mentioned, that’s fucking sick.
21) I’m going to raise my hand right here and point out that even if she WAS pregnant? It’s called an abortion. Summer’s over 18, she can afford it, and seeing as all the characters are liberal as hell, I’m sure she’s pro-choice.
22) Also, “unprotected” sex isn’t necessarily the reason for a potential pregnancy. It would be the “sex” part. You’re aware that it’s actually possible to be on the Pill, and be using a condom, and still get pregnant, right? And if you wonder why I keep ranting about this, it’s because my school district forced us to take Health three separate times between 7th grade and graduation, and that’s not including the stuff we talked about in elementary school, home ec, and science. I don’t think there’s anything I don’t know. (The health teacher in 11th grade used props bought at Sex World, if that’s any indication of my disturbingly boundless knowledge)
23) Two things I find weird about how when Summer asks Seth to help her pack, the first two things he takes down from her closet are a giant teddy bear and a desk lamp. 1) Pretty sure all hotels come with lamps, and 2) why would you need a teddy bear when you have a cute boyfriend to cuddle? Then again, I bring my teddy bear home even though I have a large dog to snuggle up with, so maybe there’s some rationale behind that.
24) They’re mocking me with pitiful echoes of the TJ trip…damn car ride.
25) Another miniature Ryan/Summer interaction! I’ll take what I can get.
26) Dear Taylor: stop being such a damn self-righteous busybody. You do not know what’s best for everybody.
27) Seth’s expression: Dude, Ryan, how many kids do you plan to father out of wedlock?
28) Summer, don’t even bother thanking Taylor for covering for you. It’s her fault the test is even in the car. In fact, why is the test right there at their feet? Why was it not put into a suitcase?
29) Kaitlin is really…dare I say…cute in this scene. She’s all sweet and being nice to the old guy. And he’s equally cute, treating her like she’s a granddaughter or something. What I like is that she’s not being evil or a whore or pushing her own interests. She’s just being a genuinely nice person. I would like Kaitlin if she was like this all the time, as a supporting character, and we didn’t have to put up with the Ward Dorks, or her stupid high school storylines.
30) Oh yeah. That’s totally where I’d do my pregnancy test. In a dirty, skuzzy, gas station bathroom.
31) Hah! Taylor, how do YOU like it when someone forces you to continue a conversation and won’t let you go?
32) How sweet. Taylor wants their first time to be “special.” I’m curious where “special” fits into “navigate your body like a jungle gym.”
33) Is Summer illiterate? Can she not read the instructions herself?
34) WHY IS TAYLOR STILL IN THE STALL WITH HER. I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to pee in front of my best friend. I’m sure as hell not about to pee in front of a girl with whom I’ve been friends for less than a year. Summer, what are you doing? Who are you? Where is the character I love?
35) Dear O.C writers.: I’d like to raise bloody welts on the backs of whichever one of you decided it would be hilarious to write a script that made it sound like there’s a first-time lesbian experience going on in that bathroom stall. I HATE YOU.
36) I mean, honestly. It’s like the writers heard how much I liked Summer, and they all got together to see how fast they could ruin her for me.
37) …so, they just drive off? Did Ryan pay for the gas? Because that place doesn’t look new enough to have a card swipe-through at the pump; it looks like the kind of place where you go in and pay at the register after you fill up your tank. I would love it so much if they got arrested for a drive-off.
38) It was bright daylight when they left, and now it’s pitch-black night, and you’re telling me they’ve been driving on a desert highway all that time, and Seth is only just now questioning the need to chase after this specific purse?
39) And once again. They continue to mock me with pitiful echoes of the TJ ep. Unless this ends with Taylor swallowing a handful of pills + alcohol and NOT being found in time by Ryan, I’m just pissed off.
40) Cheer up, Kaitlin. You could be in Riverside. In fact, I don’t know why you aren’t; you guys skipped out on Christmas, after all. I would think you’d want to make it up at New Year’s.
41) Heehee. There’s a really hilarious shot in which Julie is talking to Spencer, and she’s positioned in such a way that something in the background is making it look like she has five spikes growing out of her head. Oh man, I wish I could screencap it for you.
42) Taylor so does not deserve to be with Ryan. For not being anything close to your typical romantic, he’s turning into a really sweet and understanding guy. He’s spent this whole season trying not to rush things, and being generally wonderful and cautious about others’ feelings, and Taylor is constantly throwing hissy fits just because he’s not on his knees kissing her feet and making things go exactly the way she envisions. *RANT ON* Frankly, he has every right to suspect she’s slept with someone else considering her general jumpiness and the way she claimed the mysterious item (a/k/a the pregnancy test) for her own. And since she basically said it was hers, he had every right to assume that was true, especially given the way SHE HAS ADMITTED TO HIM ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS how easily she falls for guys, and given how much she talks about having sex, it would be reasonable to assume that she has it on a very regular basis. She certainly has established that she doesn’t need a deep emotional connection first. ALSO, it's only been, what, a month since she ran away from her French husband? It would be entirely logical to assume that the hypothetical baby belonged her husband. *RANT OFF* Besides, how awesome is a guy if he doesn’t get mad at you for cheating? How awesome is a guy who’s hurt simply that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him about the cheating?
43) Poor Ryan. He is so confused by her ire, and her screeching is completely unwarranted and unfair. I mean, what Taylor is doing…this is like you told your dog to sit and stay, then waved his favorite toy at him and smacked him for coming over to you!
44) Maybe Taylor would be less worried that everyone thought she was a whore if she didn’t, um, talk about sex all the time and sleep with men just because they were nice to her. You know. Like a whore. And no, that’s not the last time I’m going to bring it up.
45) It bothers me when people use the term “we weren’t exclusive.” I know it’s not the 1900’s, but still, monogamy is the general rule for society, and so I have never understood why you don’t automatically assume you’re exclusive once you’ve been on a few dates with the same person.
46) On an unrelated note, as Taylor storms out, she passes a girl with awesome horizontal blue stripes painted across her face and back. I don’t have the faintest clue why, but it makes me laugh.
47) "I mean, can you imagine if it was YOUR test? *dopey grin*" SETH. Oh, Seth, does your mouth hurt from stuffing your foot in it?
48) Hahaha, awesome. A random Atomic County fan leaps out. He’s my favorite unnamed character ever.
49) Sandy: “I feel like I know that guy from somewhere.” Could it be a show about Hercules? That’s not the last time I bring that up, either.
50) Once again, Kaitlin is being all sweet and not self-serving. And when she admitted to missing her dad? That’s the first sincere thing I’ve ever heard her say. Why can’t she be like this all the time? I kind of understand it now – Marissa was a daddy’s girl, but their bond probably pushed Kaitlin to the fringes, even if they didn’t mean to. And I feel a little sorry for Kaitlin, for once, because she’s obviously hurt that he isn’t giving her that same kind of close relationship.
51) Despite what Taylor slurs at Ryan while sloppily drunk about deciding to act like the whore he thinks she is, I fail to see the difference in how she usually acts. On the plus side, Taylor’s drinking. We’re one step closer to death in the desert. It would be so, so awesome if the random alien guy slipped her a roofie, raped and strangled her. Yes, I have violent fantasies concerning Taylor’s death. I need to go find and watch that CSI episode on which Autumn Reeser played a victim-of-the-week. I think it would soothe me.
52) And once again, Ryan and Summer speak! I’m having visions of That 70’s Show, in which Summer is Jackie and Ryan is Eric. Remember that time when Jackie had nobody else to talk to, so she dumped all her problems in Eric’s lap? It was a rare pairing, but it was awesome. It would be awesome if that would happen on this show. Damn faux-Marissa, ruining everything.
53) Summer, you did not drop out. You were (unjustly) kicked out for misguidedly trying to rescue bunnies + a bunch of crap you didn’t do. And you’re only kicked out for a semester. And you’re not even necessarily pregnant. So don’t call yourself a “knocked up college dropout.” Taylor’s not a very good friend since she’s not reminding Summer of this. Also, she’s suddenly completely coherent and apparently no longer drunk, which doesn’t make any sense at all.
54) And…so the boy forgot his toothbrush. In the grand scheme of things, that is not that big a deal. Admittedly, he can be a bit juvenile at times, but he’s not a total loser. I’m still fixated on the hours he spent on the phone with her. That means a lot to me, for some reason.
55) Dang, I love Ryan so much right now I could almost kiss him. That whole speech he gave to Seth was amazing. “Is it gonna change whether you want to be with her?” More perfect advice has never been given. I’ll just pretend he’s not speaking from experience.
56) Bullet + Kaitlin = cutest thing since Pancakes. I want to hug Kaitlin for trying to cheer him up by letting him teach her the Texas Two-Step. They’re so grandfather-and-granddaughter. Stepfather/stepdaughter would work too, actually. Really. I’m not kidding. Please marry Julie.
57) Hotel room scene: “So you don’t think I’m a whore?” Taylor asks Ryan. She stubbornly refuses to listen to me as I repeat with a scream, DID EVERYONE TAKE STUPID PILLS THIS MORNING?! In what episode did Taylor not present herself as a whore? Two minutes after meeting hot guys, she is not just thinking but talking about how much she’d like to make out and/or have sex with them, so DUH people kind of ASSUME THINGS from that! Besides, she got married (read: much sex) to the first guy who was nice to her in France! She herself couldn’t explain any other reason for it! ACTIONS OF A WHORE.
58) Also, there’s the fact that she’s in a bedroom with a guy she’s been dating for only a few weeks, and she’s currently lounging around in really slutty lingerie despite being furious at him only a few hours earlier. The girl has no standards. Either be mad at Ryan or forgive, but don’t run hot and cold depending upon how horny you are.
59) Okay – now this exchange? The way Ryan asks “Is that my negligee? . . . Well, I want it back,” would be cute on, say, one of my crime dramas. But I cannot get over the fact that these are not adults, no matter what the law says about their status as 18 year olds. They are kids, as they have been throughout the whole series, and just as I’ve said throughout the whole series, this is not appropriate. I hate how this show just assumes that all teenagers are in fully sexual relationships. (you don’t even want to see my rage over that one episode last year, when Seth and Summer were worried because they were enjoying each other's company but weren't having sex as often as they used to. I broke three pencils and even snapped a pen while trying to write out my fury) SOME TEENAGERS ACTUALLY TAKE THE ABSTINENCE ADVICE TO HEART. And some teenagers who don’t still don’t go in for the whole casual-sex thing. Some teenagers actually wait months or even years into a relationship before they go any farther. I know this concept shocks you. But it’s true.
60) I’m saying all this as a way to distract myself from the horribly squicky fact that RYAN AND TAYLOR ARE IN BED TOGETHER, EW, and I’m too grossed out by the mere concept to even be appreciative of the fact that it wasn’t explicit and it cut away before Ryan got any clothes off.
61) And…from that point on, everything went to hell. Seth. Oh, stupid, stupid Seth. I love that you can’t imagine ever not wanting to be with Summer. God knows I’m a champion for the cause of you staying together forever. I believe you can do it. But right now, you are 18, 19 tops. You are in college (or planning to be). As I said last week, “You are kids, and you need to be kids a while longer. Live in dorms, hang out with groups of friends, have fun, go to parties football games, join clubs and pull all-nighters writing papers!” Marriage at this age will not work out. They’re only students. I love that Seth has visions of them being married, but I don’t know why he can’t just keep those thoughts to himself a little while longer. It will be so much more meaningful if you can withstand four years of college first. Besides – seriously, the dorms are a cool place to live. You’ll have the rest of your life to live with one person. Take these last four years of freedom with friends. (I mean, once you actually make some friends)
62) …dude. The ring has an eye. THE RING HAS AN EYE. Look, kid, I don’t expect you to go buy a diamond, but something you got at a sci-fi convention? Trying to commemorate the night Summer found out she was pregnant, or what? Because despite what you say, you are clearly only proposing because you’ve come to terms with the idea of her being pregnant. Which she’s not. (*breathes sigh of relief, as Ausiello had led ‘Vinita to believe otherwise*)
63) Seth? What is that face? Why are you not super excited that she’s not pregnant? God knows I have dreamed of you two having kids at some point in the distant future, because I think Summer would make a perfect mom and Seth would be an adorably awkward and fumbling but ultimately very loving dad. But not now. Not when you are two ill-equipped teenagers with less than a semester of college between you. You are nowhere near ready to raise a baby just now. So really, there is no need to look like you feel guilty about being happy that she’s not being pregnant.
64) THE AWKWARDNESS, IT DESTROYS ME.
65) Why are neither of them realizing that being engaged doesn’t come with a set wedding date? They could still do like I ordered, and wait until after they graduate from college. In fact, that way would actually be sweet. Instead, they both look like they’ve just agreed to a suicide pact.
66) HERCULES IS RYAN’S FATHER?! Wow, actually, that explains a lot about the boy’s powerful Fists of Rage… :P
67) Next week: Sandy punches Hercules out! Because it’s just not an Atwood meeting without punching.