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After being unable to concentrate on the episode, half-watching and mostly not, and reading all sorts of recaps, it was hard to work up the energy to rantview this.  Especially since this episode felt sort of…blah.  I didn’t get nearly as angry at it as with most other episodes so far, which would make it seem like it was good, but I also didn’t particularly care what happened, so boring.  Basically, it was split into three parts: Awesome Cohen Parenting, stupid Seth/Summer antics, and annoying high school storyline.  Well, here we go:
  1. This show is making things too easy for me.  Taylor’s New Year’s resolutions?  I like them, I like them a lot.  Especially the “stop mooching off other people” part.  She forgot the whole “occasionally practice abstinence” part, though.  Actually, I’m pretty sure she needs a whole separate list just for her sex life. 
  2. For crying out loud. How they (S/S) BOTH “really feel” is the same damn way I feel.  That they love each other, and don’t have a problem imagining getting married someday.  They just don’t want to be married RIGHT NOW.  Which is why it’s so great that engagements don’t come with set wedding dates.  I don’t know why we have to devote an entire episode, or possibly even more than one, to this stupid non-problem.
  3. …yeah.  Taylor is RIGHT THERE, being the poster child for why rushing into marriage is a poor choice, and still Summer doesn’t get it.  *shakes head* This is like Rory Cochrane skipping off CSI Miami to pursue his “movie career.”  Have you met Caruso?
  4. Oi.  Dear Seth: do you remember the last thing you were scared to tell Summer?  The BROWN UNIVERSITY thing?  Now, looking back, was that a smart choice or a stupid choice?  Think about it.
  5. I’m beginning to think that if I’m ever in a relationship, I will kill it due to oversharing, based on a lifetime of seeing TV characters screw things up by keeping secrets and omitting details.
  6. Dear Summer: when you get a chance, please burn that ratty old-man plaid bathrobe Seth is wearing.  Thank you.
  7. Ryan.  “All right, that’s cool.  Let’s tell Sandy and Kirsten!  They might think you’re too young, but after you tell them about the whole pregnancy scare…” *loves Ryan* I love when he’s the voice of reason. I wish he wasn’t the only one, but still.  Good boy.
  8. Um. So Ryan and Taylor both know, respectively, that neither Seth nor Summer wants to get married?  And they’ve told each other this?  Then does it not seem like a logical thing to do would be to have Ryan pull Seth aside, and Taylor pull Summer, and tell them “Hey, [Seth]/[Summer] isn’t quite ready for marriage either”?  Why can't I stop asking questions?
  9. *rolls eyes* So Summer wants Taylor to be her maid of honor.  Really, Summer and Taylor do not need to be best friends.  How is that Summer had zero friends other than Marissa?  So illogical.
  10. Kirsten: “[Frank] used to hit Dawn and the boys.”  ACK!  I may have known that before, or I may have only speculated, but having that canon detail confirmed…*smothers Young Ryan with hugs* In fact, I can even send Young Theresa over to hug him.  I had no problem with Theresa until she got pregnant, after all.  It’s nice to think of them growing up together, pre-season 1. 
  11. K…when Sandy and Kirsten took a chance on Ryan?  Smart move.  When Julie wants to take a chance on Frank?  Dumb move.  Look at his eyes, Julie.  Frank has shifty eyes. 
  12. OH!  *hugs Ryan* Still the voice of reason!  I forgot how hot he is when he’s all mature and rational!  Ryan is saying everything I told him to say… *pause* And Seth…is still…being an idiot.  *facepalm* Maybe Summer’s right about his immaturity.
  13.  R: “The ring you gave her glows in the dark.” S: “I know! That’s so cool!”  *wince* Definitely immature.
  14. But honestly…SETH.  “Leaving her at the altar” is not a figure of speech.  It literally means you do not show up at the wedding.  Getting married at some point in the future is the definition of engagement. Some people are engaged for YEARS.  Some never even get around to being married.  So just…simmer down.
  15. Hey look, it’s Chris Brown.  I don’t know why they made such a big deal out of getting him on this show.  I have to look him up constantly to remember what he looks like, because I’ve never heard of him or his music.  Anyway:
  16. There’s the Kaitlin I know and hate!  Words cannot express how much I want to jam something down her throat right now.  You DO NOT MOCK CALL OF THE WILD.  You do not make gagging motions when someone says “I think all books should be written from the point of view of a dog” because such a comment IS AWESOME.
  17. Call of the Wild is one of my all-time favorite books, and you showing disdain for it makes me want to punch your pretty teeth in.  But I have some issues to point out with it being taught in a high school English class:

a)       I read it in third grade.

b)       In our library, it’s listed in the juvenile section.  Juvenile.  Not even YP/teen.  We’re talking kids’ chapter books, 8-13 years old. 

c)       I know it’s published as a classic and it’s a fantastic read and all, I just think it’s better suited to middle school.  By high school, you should be moving on to Dickens and Hawthorne and the Bronte sisters. Or maybe I’m just venting my frustration because in MY tenth grade Comm class, I had to read Black Boy; I had to study Huck Finn in both 9th AND 11th grade, and nowhere in my high school education did I get to discuss a single British author other than Shakespeare, unless it was an independent project.  Will stop digressing now. 

  1. Okay.  See the death glare that Chris Brown Will Tutt is giving her?  And the one from the teacher?  Combine them, multiply by 100, and that’s my expression.  Also, Idiot Cooper, was the book written in "Ruff ruff ruff?"  No. Therefore, your speech is not nearly as cleverly satirical as you think it is.
  2. And I pity that poor English teacher.  In the space of about a minute, I gather that she loves her subject, and loves teaching.  I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have a little prick like Kaitlin yawning her way through class. Ugh.
  3. WHAT?  You can’t commandeer the free time of other students!  I’m pretty sure the teacher had no authority to force Will to help Kaitlin with her homework.  This school is stupid. 
  4. HAHAHAHA…*laughs self into fits* Is Ryan on a break anytime soon?  Ryan is always on break.  A better question is, “are you working right now?”
  5. “No speech about the importance of family?” Ryan asks wryly.  Sandy just looks at him.  “You’re my family.  What’s important to me is you.”  *MELTS INTO PUDDLE OF GOO*
  6. For the record, I’m on Ryan’s  side.  I wouldn’t want to see my bastard dad after he’d been in prison for 10 years either.
  7. And back to Sethummer.  Is this going to turn into the point I have to repeat 500 times before the end of the hour?  Engagements.  Do not.  Come with.  A set.  Wedding date.  They do not have to be broken off unless you actually want to break up with the person. 
  8. “He is totally trying to smoke me out.  He wants ME to break off the engagement so he can live a long, guilt-free life as a big fat victim.  It’s sneaky, cowardly, and passive-aggressive.” “And you wish you’d thought of it first?” “Totally.” Hee!  There’s my Summer.
  9. Hercules has cancer, huh?  He doesn’t look sick.  Then again, Marisol Delko taught me that looks are not indicative of serious illness, so…
  10. Is Julie in TEARS?  In TEARS because some guy she met 3 days ago says he’s dying of cancer?  Look, I might be able to muster up a general feeling of sadness, but I’m just not that crazy with empathy.  Especially for a former wife/child abuser.
  11. Okay, but now I have to side with Kirsten.  Given Ryan’s unusually large guilt complex, it would definitely haunt him if he found out after the fact that he’d spurned his dying father’s last wish.   
  12. “It is personal. Ryan is our son.”  *chokes up* *dies* *loves Sandy*
  13. “Just let me talk to [Ryan].  Please.”  Yes!  Please yes!  Parenting all the way!  I want to see that scene!
  14. Now THIS ticks me off. Pancakes as a baby stand-in?  Pets =/= babies.  I hate that whole idea of “my husband doesn’t want kids…but I want to take care of something…let’s buy a puppy!” Dude, you buy a puppy/kitty/bunny because it’s soft and fursome and snuggly, not because you want to be a mother.
  15. I thought you didn’t lose brain cells until after you had kids.  Summer, you do not get into Brown without having heard of YEATS and SHELLEY.  Jesus Christ.  Although I am quite impressed with her ultra-snappy and possibly impromptu rhyming comeback. 
  16. And Sum, don’t leave your bunny with this idiot who doesn’t know how to take care of… “WE SORT OF HAD A DOG ONCE”?!  Are you implying that you idiot Cohens had a dog AND GOT RID OF IT?  Oh, please, let me guess.  Did it shed too much and piss off Interior Design Kirsten?  Did it bark a lot and annoy people?  Did it grow bigger than you thought, knock little Seth over, so you sent it to the pound? Did your negligence cause the dog to run away and/or get hit by a car?  Actually, for the sake of my sanity, let’s just pretend the Coopers went on vacation and left their golden retriever with their neighbors for a week.
  17. Uh-oh.  Will’s in band.  The O.C. is going to attempt to portray band kids.  This can only end badly.    [a/n: Yup, here we go.]
  18. Number 1: Band kids are cool.  We are popular, we have tons of friends, and our accomplishments are respected just as much as the choir and the theater, which is damn near as much as the popular sports teams, okay?  You know who gets laughed at?  The danceline and the cheerleaders.  And the kids who sign up to be “peer advisors” in the counseling office.  Oh-oh, and especially, the kids who fail their way through school.
  19. That is the tiniest band I have ever seen.  It’s like, two rows of chairs, and about one person on a part.  That’s a patchwork piece band if I ever saw one.  I sincerely hope there’s another group of kids who rehearse at a different hour, and they come together to play at concerts. 
  20. What is this “if I fail, you fail?” Go to the teacher and tell them Kaitlin wanted you to cheat for her.  Guarantee that Kaitlin will fail all on her own and probably get detention to boot.
  21. Taylor, what did I say about you being a busybody?  Quit sticking your nose into other peoples’ problems.  Stop whining about what you’d do if you had the chance to meet YOUR father.
  22. *gasp* Why did I never guess that Taylor had daddy issues?!  DEAN EVIL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
  23. Julie parenting!  I’m so much more on board with Summer talking things over with Julie than Taylor.  I never thought I’d say this - but I have more faith in Julie to handle this well.
  24. Oh, thanks O.C.  Thanks for screwing me out of the Kirsten-talks-to-Ryan scene.
  25. …EW! There really IS a commercial that shows kids with leeches stuck all over them!  (it’s an anti-marijuana commercial.  “What could YOU be convinced to do?”) Look, I’m no expert and I’m certainly not condoning drug usage, but I think kids are “convinced” to take weed because it comes with some pretty fun side effects.  Leeches?  Not so much. 
  26. What the hell is Seth carrying the rabbit in?  Nothing approved for animal transport, I’m sure.  I’m surprised the thing didn’t suffocate.
  27. Ryan, don’t joke about bunnies being turned into dinner.  *hits him*
  28. So Kaitlin is giving her speech…and Will is smirking awesomely.  He wrote her speech for her, all right.  “Woof, woof, woof.”  HAH!  So Kaitlin starts ad-libbing.  And…good God.  It almost sounds like Kaitlin has read the book.  I’m scared.  Stupid show, always trying to convince me that Kaitlin is way smarter than she acts…
  29. And what is it with everybody on this show being a secret genius?  It was always implied that Seth was a smart kid, but then we found out Ryan had ridiculously high test scores, Summer got into Brown, and Taylor’s this walking encyclopedia…why can’t any of these kids just be smart and *act* smart?  Like Anna?  Or even Lindsay, from what little I saw of her. Lindsay was the closest to normal this show ever got.  Pity about that whole quasi-incest thing that made me hate her.  SORRY,  DIGRESSING.
  30. …everyone likes fish?  Um, fish has a distinct flavor which many people do NOT like.  Chicken, Kirsten.  Everyone likes CHICKEN.  Except vegetarians.  That’s what I figured Taylor would be more worried about…
  31. *cannot wrap head around Taylor’s incomprehensible stupidity* The first major test?  This is a NON-ISSUE.  Ryan’s dad, I promise, is not going to give a crap who his long-lost son is seeing.  As long as it’s not a guy, or a girl with a ring in her nose and ten-inch purple spikes in her hair, I highly doubt he’ll give her more than a passing glance.
  32. You know what a “major test” would be?  When Ryan finds out Theresa’s kid is actually his.  Because despite what Theresa says, that boy is not Eddie’s.  I’m pretty sure genetic law says that two people with black hair cannot have a blond child, mmkay?

[Never mind.  One google search for genetics + “black hair” + blond instantly pops up this site telling me it’s rare, but not impossible.  Grrr.  Still, the odds are that it’s Ryan’s kid.  I want a paternity test.  MUST STOP DIGRESSING.]

  1. Ooooh.  Sandy glare at Kirsten.  Ooooh. 
  2. Kirsten wants to know why Sandy gave it a try with Dawn, with Trey, but not for Frank?  You just answered your own question, lady.  WITH DAWN.  WITH TREY.  I seem to recall all get-togethers with either of those two ending in a fairly disastrous manner, you?
  3. Why are Frank and Julie all buddy-buddy all of a sudden?
  4. Dinner convo: Awk-ward.  I hate awkward.  I DESPISE awkward.
  5. Hush up Taylor, with the squealing and the “baby pictures” and *squeals* OMG RYAN WAS SO ADORABLE!  This is the boy getting beat up by his father?  Him? That cute little angel?  *stabs Frank Atwood* All right, daydreams. Right now.  Young Theresa. 
  6. You know…lying about having cancer?  Doesn’t seem that bad. It’s not like he was trying to exploit this fact to extort money from them or something.  He just really wanted to see his kid.  I have no sympathy for Frank, but in principle, I can think of worse things.  Obviously the truth would have come out eventually, and would probably make the rift even wider, but Frank just seemed like he was making a desperate effort.
  7. Why, why, why must the awkwardness continue.  Seth, WHY?  Why did you have to tack that last bit on, about asking Dr. Roberts’ permission?  You saw Summer’s sigh of relief when you said “this doesn’t feel right.”  Did she look triumphant to you, all happy she’d out-stubborned you?  No.  She just looked exhausted.  Like she didn’t want to be at odds with you anymore.  Like she just wanted you to kiss her, tell her it’s alright and you still love her, and drive on back to Newport.  (I may be confusing that last bit with my desires, but still.  I think if he’d just stopped there, Summer would have let the matter drop.)
  8. Taylor...no.  You don’t know anything about his career in musicals!  You never drove to Chino and saw the life he left behind.  You’re not Marissa; you’re not even up to Theresa standards.
  9. You know how seeing people get punched in the face usually thrills me?  Well…turns out the one doing the punching has to be sorta hot in order for that to work.  Sandy Cohen doesn’t do it for me. 
  10. Weird to see Ryan breaking up fights instead of starting them.
  11. I swear if I see one fan fic where Taylor gets Ryan to break down in her arms and sob into her shoulder about his Daddy Issues, I will shoot the fanbrat who wrote it. 
  12. The creepy quasi-romance between the smart and clever band boy and the bad girl from the wrong side of the tracks hasn’t even started, and I’m already sick of it.
  13. Pleh.  Taylor is gross even when she’s trying to supportive and sincere (and keeping her tongue in her own mouth).  That scene was cheese to the max. 
  14. AWWWW!!  “My dad’s right here.”  I think they hammered in the father/son relationship more times in this episode than they have in the entire series to date.  Which was AWESOME. 
  15. FRANK stop convincing Jules to break the law!
  16. Ew, Lady Heather and Hercules?  Seriously?  BE NICE TO BULLET, BITCH! 
  17. Family time!  FAMILY! TIME!  SO CUTE!  I love you!  And arm around shoulders, Kirsten to Seth!  Holy squee!  Holy effin’ squee!  *forgives episode*
  18. Next week: looks like the short-season equivalent of their Sleazy Valentine’s Day episode.  Sounds hot.  NOT.  Actually, I’ve been looking forward to this one for a long time.  The Taylor mockery will just write itself.  I hope Ryan reads the book and is so grossed out that he can’t ever look at her the same way again.   

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