I'm hoping these will be fun like the '07 awards were, now that I've once again spent a summer listening to the radio and actually being aware of a great deal of this year's popular music. *rubs hands* All right, here we go! (OOOH, Josh Groban's gonna be on Ellen tomorrow. Must watch!)
51st Annual Grammy Awards: 2009
-You know who people should stop paying attention to? Bono.
-Sometimes I think things like "I wonder if the Jonas Brothers know who Whitney Houston is." Surprisingly, I don't say this to be mocking. I thought that was Tina Turner. Probably I should be more ashamed of that fact that than I am.
-R&B is all terrible; I don't care who wins best album. Though I like Jennifer Hudson as a person, so it should be her. Oh, WIN. Night's starting off well so far! Except for I don't know what's going on with her dress, which looks like the top part is on upside down. I hate that style so much.
-Oh, are we really pretending we know this guy as anyone other than The Rock? That's cute.
-Justin's black suit is very...shiny. Also, I have never heard of Al Greene. Ever. But he's both dull and forcing me to listen to Justin Timberlake, so I'm ignoring this.
-You know, Coldplay just does not impress me. At all. "Yellow" is a nice song, and I like that the guy has been married to Gwyenth Paltrow for a surprisingly long time by Hollywood standards, but they are so dull.
-Adding Jay-Z does not improve matters.
-And good golly, the levels at which I've hated "Viva La Vida" since its very first radio play are off the charts.
-That's it. I'm cranky and starving and this performance has officially driven me out in a haze of disgust. Screw finishing this post!
(5 minutes later)
-Still cranky, as only one piece of pizza remained after I'd waited all day for a proper meal (there's nothing else in the house but bread and grapefruit and salad). PBS on downstairs and shows no signs of being changed. Nothing better to do than go sulk in my room and keep watching the awards.
-Hell, I missed most of Carrie's "Last Name" performance. Of course I did.
-Ooh, look at Sheryl Crow's pretty powder blue diagonal-strap dress!
-Best country performance by a group...Lady Antebellum! LADY ANTEBELLUM, "LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE!" D'oh. But fine; Sugarland was my second pick. This song is really boring, but they had a couple of other good ones on the radio so we'll call it even. Anything beats Brooks and Dunn.
-This Brawny commercial featuring filthy children smearing food all over themselves/pouring milk anywhere that's not a glass is producing distinctly homicidal tendencies in me. Must...go kill...random toddlers...
-Wait, what did Duffy already win? Damn it, show, be more about awards and less about crappy performances.
-WHOA WAIT WHAT Song of Year already? OK, important reactions: I want to like Adele, but I hate R&B too much to make that true. I violently loathe Jason Mraz's boring "I'm Yours." You already know my feelings on Viva La Vida; I hate the overly R&B flavor of "Love Song" (an unbelievable disappointment after "Fairytale")...really, I'm gonna need "American Boy" to win. Which is sacrilegious as all get out, seeing as it's hip-hop, but I still need it to be NOT EFFING COLDPLAY.
-Dear Kid Rock: I'm not a fan. That is, I'm very much a fan of "All Summer Long," a huge fan; I'm still not tired of hearing it...but I do not have the patience for anything else you've got to offer. *changes channel for a while, checks back* Oh hey, that's better! Usually I never like live performances as much as the original CD versions, but I've seen him perform this a few different places, and I always love the unique takes.
...and the medley's back to suck. Which means I'm going back to watching eland on PBS.
-In what universe do Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus seem like musical equals? Who thought that pairing them up would be a good idea? I sort of imagine Taylor Swift arching one eyebrow to herself and being supremely unimpressed by the hyperactive child. The obvious maturity gap between these girls is unbelievable.
Crap. Taylor just sang a lyric about starting high school and being fifteen, which means I am doomed to fall in love with its nostalgic story-telling quality. I really hope this is only a duet for purposes of the awards show, and that it's really 100% Taylor's song...YES! We're okay! Apparently the song is called "Fifteen," and I need it in my life yesterday.
Except, oh, God, my ears. Is it just me, or is this horrifically out of tune when they sing together? Yowwwwwl! I am biased and want to blame it on Miley, mostly because she's noticeably belting it out while Taylor is far more subdued, and I like to imagine those glances Taylor keeps shooting over are looks of dial it down, bitch. Although I also imagine she's too refined to say "bitch."
-Look, Taylor Swift is the best thing about the night so far. I'll go on about it at length if I so choose!
-Best Collaboration. "4 Minutes" should clearly win, because that song is addictive like whoa. I like Alison Krauss, even though I have no idea what she's done lately. DIE, RIHANNA/MAROON 5. But most of all, I loathe No Air, and it's so going to win -- whoa, never mind! Dark horse country winner, Allison Krauss and what's-his-face!
7:59: It occurs to me that I should have timestamps like everyone else. My clock's a bit fast, I think, but oh well.
8:00: You know who should never sing a capella? Anyone. Including Jennifer Hudson. Hmm...this song moderately appeals to me, but it's overshadowed by the fact that I am bored to tears and hate that big voice. At least she changed from that horrifying dress into one that's really stunning - form-fitting black knee-length with short sleeves,
The giant red earrings are unfortunate, though. What are those, giraffes? Oh God, here comes a choir. That's an instantaneous way to ensure my hatred of a song.
8:10: Emily Procter to present! She's so pretty. Such charisma. Pity she had to introduce the Jonas Brothers.
8:11: ...yeah, despite the fact that this may get me shot, Jonas Bros. > Stevie Wonder. And I, um, don't entirely hate "Burnin' Up" anyway, mostly because I heard it for several weeks before I actually had an idea of who these kids were, and it sounded like any other band. It was one of the better offerings on the Top 12 station at the beginning of summer.
8:14: Oh God, I just realized that, unlike a few months ago, now I can not only tell them apart, I actually know which one's which. Nick's the cute
8:16: Best rock album. I think Kid Rock should win on the strength of "All Summer Long" alone, but as long I don't really know most of the nominees, I'll be...no, I won't be okay with it. Die in a fire, Coldplay! (also, really? How did Coldplay end up in the same category as Metallica?)
8:23: Shut up, Craig Ferguson, I tire of listening to you...OH HOLY HELL NO, IT'S KATY PERRY'S PERFORMANCE. *spontaneously combusts with spluttering rage* And we're out of here before I literally pop a blood vessel. "Sense and Sensibility" is on Masterpiece Theater. How delightful!
8:27: Is it over? It is! Oh, but now we're on Kanye West (with nasty mullety hair). Let me just quickly backpedal to where I came from - oh never mind! I forgot he's responsible for half of "American Boy." Wow, this song is much less exciting without the proper background music. In a way that exposes how actually terrible it is. Even the rap at the end is devoid of life, and generally the "what's your persona/about this Americana" line is my favorite bit.
8:30: No, really, that was terrible. Were they maybe having technical difficulties? Surely no one planned that lack of music on purpose.
8:31: Best New Artist - Adele, Duffy (NO), Jo Bros (...I might have to cheer for them), Lady Antebellum (yee-haw!), and someone I've never heard of named Jazmine Sullivan. I've got two hats in this ring, and...well, all right, Adele probably was the best choice since it's honoring her, and not her specific song. Adele has a pretty fantastic story of rising out of obscurity, especially considering that she's beautiful despite not being skinny. Yeah, I'm definitely happier with this than Jonas Brothers.
8:33: I'm sorry, Abilify commercials still CRACK ME UP.
8:38: I had to explain moles on my brother's chemistry worksheet (or rather, pretend to help until he figured it out). Who did Morgan Freeman introduce? *is deeply confused for a while* Oh, Kenny Chesney, "Better As a Memory." This is a nice performance. It wasn't one of my favorites on the radio - kind of dull - but the even slower tempo isn't bad for a live performance. It's a sad song.
Also kind of a whiny and self-deprecating song, if you think about it, and wow, all of a sudden I kind of want there to be a Doctor Who video set to this. Think about it! His companions are really only safe once he's out of their lives, and besides, he already has a massive guilt complex. It'd be perfect!
8:42: Record of the year! Adele, Coldplay, Leona Lewis (I swear I will hurt someone), I still haven't heard M.I.A.'s supposedly ubiquitous song, and A-Krauss. But I don't like any of them; it's so hard to choose! Alison Krauss offends my ears least, however, so that's a good win in my book. I might have had to spork myself if Leona Lewis's terrible nonsense had won. Also, guess what? NOT COLDPLAY.
8:49: True fact: I had never heard of Lil Wayne until a few weeks ago, when everyone started talking about the amazing number of nominations he had. And...yeah, I'm pretty sure I don't need to listen to a whole pack of headache-inducing rappers. One was more than enough. Back to S&S it is!
8:57: I appear to be lacking any semblance of patience for Paul McCartney tonight. That's a shame. He's rocking some upbeat classic Beatles music tonight, but it's not enough to beat out the allure of 19th century love stories.
9:05: Jack Black's most recent offense: dragging down an otherwise superb episode of The Office. I think he needs to stay out of the spotlight for at least a year to make it up to me.
9:06: Best Male Pop Vocalist - Kid Rock, John Mayer, Paul McCartney, Jason Mraz, and Ne-Yo. I find myself not especially fussed by this choice, so...good for John Mayer. Aww, look how much less cute you are without curls all of a sudden. Tsk tsk.
9:08: No, really, I don't think even Sugarland can convince me to stick around for Adele. Not if she's going to sing the boring "Stay" song she won the award for earlier. Sense & Sensibility calls! Wow, look how ugly Willoughby is in the MT version as compared to the 1995 film. That's vaguely depressing.
9:19: Gwyneth Paltrow's looking very pretty and fresh-faced tonight. Wow.
9:20: Marching band! There's a marching band!! Hell, now I have to listen to Radiohead on principle. I really don't want to listen to Radiohead, but...look at all the awesome percussion and the sousaphones and what not! hang on, where are the woodwinds? You totally don't have woodwinds. Fail, USC.
9:30: Adding an orchestra won't help you, Timberlake. My patience for annoying singers with good backup was tested and used up on the marching band, and...NOW YOU HAVE A RAPPER. Forget this!
9:31: Stupid PBS is between shows right now. It's still more interesting to watch their brand of commercials.
9:36: I appear to have stopped paying attention and started filling out a survey. How odd.
9:38: Good to see that Smokey Robinson still has not learned the irony of playing "Take a good look at my face" when he appears on stage.
9:39: Wait, what is this nonsense? It appears to be the rap pack redux, awash in tones of old R&B. Do Not Want.
9:48: JOSH JOSH JOSH JOSH JOSH SUDDENLY THIS PROGRAM JUST GOT EXCITING AGAIN. No, wait, no, aren't you singing? Stay and sing! Don't just go introducing people and running off!
9:49: *sulks* You know what, after those two weeks of American Idol last year, I got over Neil Diamond real fast.
9:56: What's happening now? I have no idea...so confused...oh yeah, there was the annual tribute video, and now I'm being bored to tears by a bunch of people on guitars.
9:57: There's still stuff to come? Really? Man, I love how this show just wantonly overshoots its suggested time limits. I say this without sarcasm; I'm having tons of fun, which I wasn't really feeling during the first half hour there. I'm glad I came back!
10:03: Woooo, Gary Sinise! Booo, Lil Wayne. Hey, a "Friends" rerun is on now! Much better alternative than PBS.
10:10: SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS (JEANS), BOOTS WITH THE FUR... look, I have one truly guilty pleasure from this summer, and that's it, okay? Incidentally, I love how I have never even heard of most of these people nominated for best rap album. I know Jay-Z because he's attached to Beyonce, and that's it.
10:19: The Blind Boys of Alabama are getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. I don't know why, because I've never heard of them.
10:21: Part of me thinks I should stick around to see the Alison Krauss duet that's been getting all the fuss. The stronger part of me wants to watch Friends.
10:25: And the Album of the Year goes to...you know, I really almost need it to be Coldplay at this point, just because the other nomines are so much more terrible, all rappers and Radiohead and - OH HEY, despite the fact that their song tonight was terrifically boring, I'm going to go ahead and be okay with Alison Krauss and Robert Plant. (He probably deserves to have me know his name at this point) Yep. Not super exciting, but there ya go.
10:28 PM: Why, I do believe it's over. I maintain that Taylor Swift was by far the best part of the night (I've blocked Miley out), although if I'd actually gotten to watch Carrie Underwood, that might have been a contender too. See you this time next year! And no, we're not sticking around for further Stevie Wonder.
P.S. Look, here's the survey I mentioned filling out earlier.
1. Did you date someone from your school? Nope.
2. Did you marry someone from your high school? n/a
3. Did you carpool to school or drive? Our school consisted of two campuses on opposite ends of town, split by grade, so the first two years I took the bus and the second two I walked. Which was quite convenient, as we live across the street from the athletic fields.
4. What kind of car did you have? Didn't have one.
5. What kind of car do you have now? Still don't have one. In many ways, I have not changed at all.
6. It's Friday night...where are you? (then): Pep band, sleeping over at my best friend's house, or on the computer.
7. It is Friday night...where are you? (now): The computer, without fail
8. What kind of job did you have in high school? I occasionally babysat for one family. That was a pretty good way to spend Saturday night, actually; they always ordered pizza for dinner before they left and then I got to hang out with two kids who were awesome and loved me, and who had a pair of cats (and also, at various times, a dog and/or guinea pigs) to boot.
9. What kind of job do you do now? I'm looking. *shifty eyes*
10. Were you a party animal? *laughs at the idea of attending a party*
11. Were you considered a flirt? I was about as far from a flirt as it is possible to be. I generally didn't even talk to boys unless we were working on a project in class or my friend started talking to a guy she knew first, at which point I would tag along at her side and attempt to join in.
12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Band was the greatest thing my life for 3 of the 4 years (junior year it was eclipsed by my adoration for Madame and the fact that I didn't get along with my director yet...but I'd remedied that by fourth quarter). I was generally one of the worst flutists in band, but that did not stop me from loving the atmosphere and being part of such a great group.
13. Were you a nerd? Mmm...not really in the traditional stereotypical sense. Although I was relatively smart and loved my teachers; make of that what you will.
14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Psh. I didn't even get detention.
15. Can you sing the fight song? Yes, I can. Playing in pep band for three years, especially when the lyrics are printed on your music...it lodges there permanently.
16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)? I tended to love or at least respect most of my teachers, and there were a number of amazing ones, but if I had to pick just one it would definitely be Madame Toussaint. I had her for 3 years of French, and she is the sweetest, most vibrant, most encouraging and engaging teacher I've ever had. I think I only saw her mad/frustrated maybe twice; it was amazing how clearly she loved her job and made classes fun as a result. And I'm pretty sure I ended up minoring in French because she was so adamant about my aptitude for it.
17. Where did you sit during lunch? Oh, here and there. A couple of semesters I wound up at tables full of popular girls because I followed someone I knew, but mostly...if my best friend and I had lunch together, we'd be by ourselves; if not, I'd just go seek out a front table where a bunch of other loner girls would read or do homework throughout lunch.
18. What was your school's full name? Let's call it what we printed on all the checks, "WBLAHS." Wiblahs!
19. When did you graduate? 04
20. What was your school mascot? A polar bear
21. If you could go back and do it again, would you? In a heartbeat. High school was a perfectly awesome time in my life.
22. Did you have fun at Prom? I didn't go, and I'm still pretty proud of that fact. I know nonsense when I see it!
23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? n/a
24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? Definitely! Although I'll have to spend the whole time madly dodging my ex best friend, since we were literally inseparable during high school but then after one year at college we gradually broke off all communication and never addressed said dissolution of friendship. Still, I want to see everyone else. And I sort of feel like it's your duty to show up, in case someone wants to see you.
25. Do you still talk to people from school? Once in a while I hit up a Facebook wall, but that's about it.