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All right, you Office watchers - favorite episode from last year (season 4):
American Idol: Wild Card/Top
Oh, let's see, where do I start? How about the fact that I was channel-hopping between this and Survivor all hour, because I wasn't sure if I could catch either one online - if so, Idol is easier to watch that way, but Survivor is guaranteed while you can only hope Idol pops up - and I was desperately excited to see both of them. They also both frequently have cringe-worthy/boring moments where I briefly change the channel anyway, so I thought it'd be okay, but it was a pretty fractured experience for both shows, unfortunately.
Nevertheless! I am going to stretch this post out with a whole bunch o' thoughts, because it is quite possibly my last Idol post of the season, less maybe an outraged mention of whichever idiots are in the finale and/or my probable inability not to quasi-live-blog Idol Gives Back, because it transfixes me with its awfulness even better than any awards show. Thus, my parting shots:
Jesse Langseth: God damn it! Way to just obviously give her the Opening Slot OF DEATH. You know what, just once, I'd like them to make the best singer go first, and then see if people truly remember talent or if they're really just swayed by the last thing they remember hearing. And also, can we kick Simon for complaining that the song was "too much about her" as opposed to...the judges? Because last time, his main complaint was that she was forgettable. This is the first year I've really understood what people mean when they say the judges just pick certain people they like and praise them no matter what to make sure they sail through. It's ticking me off in a special way right now.
Oh, um, song choice! "Tell Me Something Good." Yeah, I didn't like it, but you know what I discovered? I like her voice. I almost never say this about anyone, but I can actually recognize her voice and appreciate it on its own merit. It's distinctive in a good way. And I'm bitter that I never get to hear it again. I do wish she had talked a bit less, but so what? She's part of that elite crowd of American Idol singers I don't hate watching perform.
Matt G: Bored of you. Stuck around long enough to hear what he was singing, didn't recognize it, and began the first of many trips to CBS.
Trailer Trash Barbie: *beats head into desk* In further proof that this girl's quest in life is to MOCK AND TAUNT ME, she not only sings "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" (which I love), she does so awesomely, in ways that are comparable to and perhaps exceed Katharine McPhee's rendition. This destroys me, because she is so literally everything I would love and adore beyond measure, except for that FUCKING NASTY ARM FUNGUS she insists upon showing off. *punches walls* I can't believe she's in; I can't believe it. On the bright side, at least now her weird-ass form of dancing (mostly involves awkwardly shaking her chest, I think) is one less thing to regret about the fact that I can't like her.
VonSmith Thing: Back to Survivor we go.
Jasmine: Was still watching Survivor, and missed most of her performance because she bores me. Then I found out she sang "Reflections" as heard in Mulan, which is a song I UTTERLY ADORE from an equally awesome movie, so I had to go YouTube it. Hell. I hate when the people I don't like sing songs I love. Luckily, I didn't like this one quite so much as the original. Seemed unnecessarily slow in parts - was hard to recognize the song most of the time, actually - and she got to some painfully loud/strained notes that sounded a tad off-key even to me.
But I did get to watch Paula randomly attack Simon's arm and start playing with it, giving him fake Indian burns and such while he totally ignored her, which was awesome.
Rickey: Literally, there are about 5 contestants I'm happy didn't make it into the Top 13, and he's one of them. While I acknowledge that he took "Superstition" and did magic, fun things with it and was maybe better than all the other guys, I cannot get over the fact that not only is he unattractive, his hair is committing 3 sins at once: excess gel, the triangle shape, and balding before the age of 30. I know he can't help one of those things, but in combination with his unattractive face, I don't really care. He's an unpleasant sight and I'm glad he's gone.
Tatiana del CRAZY EYES OF AWESOME: That. Was so. Unbelievably. Amazing. In both legitimate and crack-tastic ways.
Performance - OK, I didn't even realize she sang the same Whitney Houston song she sang 2 weeks ago until they pointed it out. That's how little attention I pay to this show. You see, I was too busy being transfixed by the performance. Setting aside the obvious factors of her beautiful face, curvaceous figure, stunning hair, and the spangly black-with-gold-skirt-trim minidress that shouldn't have looked good YET DID ON HER, girl owns the stage.
Soon as the music stops she goes whackadoodle crazy, but when she's singing, she is 100% serious. I feel she's meant to be on Broadway or perhaps opera stages - she has presence. More to the point, her voice fascinates me. Even in a song I strongly dislike for the boredom factor, she can go loud without sounding strained, and hit high notes without threatening to make my ear drums shatter like a water glass. I do not know if any other woman has ever accomplished these feats for me. That's impressive.
Post-Performance: Haha, I did not even know she was Puerto Rican until tonight. Way to be EIGHTEEN HUNDRED TIMES CUTER THAN JORGES! His accent and weepy babbling just annoy me to no end. From her, it sounds adorable. I don't know. She's just running on like a million tons of hyperactive adrenaline, all the time.
I love Simon's mocking salute (especially since she probably thinks he means it), and the way that the other judges don't even bother to try and critique at first; they just give it over to Paula and let the emotional love fest go on for about a minute between the girls. I will come back to this later. Right now I need to move on from the brain-bleach-inducing image of Ryan's attempt at joking commentary that instantly backfired and turned into Tatiana on her knees next to him standing on stage. OH GOD DO NOT WANT.
Anoop: ...never mind, I went back to Survivor. I am doing the best job I can in completely ignoring him, which is how I found out tonight, with a bit of a shock, that he has no accent whatsoever. (in my weak defense, I don't know many Indian people in general, and all the profs/students at school were international. Also we'll just pretend that I don't know of any Mindy Kaling)
Tatiana - Meltdown Edition: So I may or may not have watched this three times, and not just for the lolz of Tatiana falling apart like she'd just watched her puppy get run over while receiving a phone call that her entire family had died in a house fire, possibly the day after she learned she had terminal cancer and/or twenty dollars in her bank account with staggering credit card debt.
Mostly because, while it was a bit cringe-worthy the way she stood there before the table in abject shame, head bowed and everything, it was actually really restrained as far as what we've come to expect from her. Really, there were not many lolz to be had at all. I assumed there would be, but there weren't.
Nope, nope, I find that what I have instead is a fierce love for the fact that once again it's Paula breaking the news, but as gently as possible and while stressing over and over again the process that she loves Tatiana, and she'll be a success, and it's okay - she'll be an actress in addition to singing! - and it's just, eeeehh, the quasi mother/daughter bond these two have going on fills me with delight. It's Paula at her sweetest, and I can't argue with that.
Also, given that Randy and Kara chimed in their two cents' worth of reassurances over Paula's shoulder, I may or may not have projected a bit to the fact that this conversation here is one that I've repeated at least twice in my high school experience, with a teacher in place of Paula. I got hugs instead of "I love you," but the general soothing tone and even some of the phrases are, like, bang out of my journal. I could choose to be ashamed of that, but I'm not. My tears were very quiet and based on me making mistakes and feeling stupid rather than reacting to criticism. The distinction is subtle, but there.
Bonus: Kara actually managed to sound sympathetic & caring instead of condescending, stupid, and/or bitchy! I guess now that they've firmly extinguished the dying embers of Tatiana's dreams with respect to this show, she felt she could afford to indulge the drama a bit.
Then the show randomly decided to have a commercial break at like 7:57, at which point I channel-hopped nervously between FOX and NBC as long as possible before finally going "screw it, we'll wait until tomorrow to see who the last person is; I don't want to miss even ONE SECOND of "The Office." (boy, that was ironic, in retrospect)
Ultimate Results: Jasmine (boring), Megan (ICK EW WHY), Anoop (bane of my existence), and Matt G (highly boring!)
+ The Existing Top Nine: Alexis (*hiss*), Michael (nice/reasonably attractive/masculine guy!), Danny (could probably grow on me), Allison (yay!), Kris (pleasant to look at), Adam (bleh), Lil (*HIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS*), Scott (*seethe*), and Jorges (*suppresses shudder of horror*)
Equals: So you see, with no favorites, only one person I actively like, three I find varying degrees of tolerable, and nine that I am either bored by or COMPLETELY CANNOT STAND...it would just be a waste of time and energy to bother with the rest of this season. Probably not good for my blood pressure, either.
But, just for kicks and giggles and tradition's sake, here is my fantasy order of how the voting would go, in an ideal world:
2. Danny (he probably will make it to the finale, knowing this show's love of screwing with me in years I don't watch; see also, Katharine McPhee)
1. Allison (or Danny. Or Michael. Really not too fussy about ultimate winners this early in the game, when I'm still smarting over seeing all MY favorites get booted)
Despite the lack of both new NCIS and new Lost next week, leaving my schedule wiiiiiide open and clear to watch as much Idol as I want, I will not tune in "just to see" what the first true competition week looks like. That will get me hooked - on complaining if nothing else. Nope. I'm making the break free and clear, while it's still relatively easy to turn my back. AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT.
Retro Music Love Of The Day: TLC, "Waterfalls." It's the only song I ever liked off their CD, which has the distinction of being the first I ever owned, because my friend was obsessed with them and she hooked me on this song in hopes that I would become similarly obsessed. Didn't work; the interest stopped there...except, this song? Man. This song is incredible in every way. I even still have it all memorized, and I haven't listened to it in 5+ years.
...speaking of which, in retrospect, I'm kind of sad and disturbed that we were listening to this at ten years old. I know some of it went over my head, but still.