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One...by...one

*kicks internet*  Now are you ready to behave? Sheesh.  I've been trying to post this since last night. 

1.
'Survivor: The Merge
Dear God, that was dull.  Did they even do anything?  Because I'm pretty sure they spent 10% of their time stuffing their faces at the merge (I can't even watch these feasts anymore) and the rest of it mumbling about alliances and who they could vote out first vs. who they could shore up with.  All to no avail, since Boring Joe's knee infection finally took pity on me and wiped him out of the game before he could clog up the screen any more.  It's nice to see injuries go to deserving players for once.  And, okay, a little bit amusing to have Tyson's immunity necklace be essentially useless.  Haha! 

Oh yeah, there was an immunity challenge. It consisted of the monkey cling to a pole, one of those challenges that favors the women, but which Tyson and his frog legs handily won.  That wasn't especially fun to watch, partly because all my favorites dropped out immediately, like flies, and everyone after that appeared to have fairly painful, skin-burning journeys on the way down.  Still better than puzzles.  I do love the immunity necklace, though.  It's all pretty and full of feathers.

And speaking of Joe, at least he afforded us another chance to see Lucy the Medic.  I love Lucy!  (no pun intended)  And Jeff comes down off his throne and seems to legitimately care when contestants get wounded enough to be evacuated.  I like that.  Along with Taj applauding him for hiking up to camp without an umbrella.  :)

Among the things I liked, though, were "Now we're just Jala - we lost pao!" and more importantly, the DRAMATIC AND THEATRICAL MUSIC TO COACH'S PRAYER/MEDITATION!!  *is bawling with laughter*  Oh, man.  I love how the editors spend like, half their time just coming up with new ways to mock him as hard as they can.  And if they can keep this stuff coming, I will forgive them for how boring the rest of the edit was.  Is Coach on the jury now?  Because that is all I ever wanted.  To see him give a delusional, douchey speech of hate and bittercakes.  Or whatever he pulls from left field.

Incidentally, is it just me, or is he getting really, really skinny?  More dramatic weight loss on him than anyone else.  It must take a lot of energy to be that douchey all the time.

Finally: OKAY, we have officially cut Former Jalapao as far to the bone as it goes.  Joe was the end of it.  I need Former Timbira people to start going down NOW, because I will be HELLA PISSED if I lose any of my favorites after they managed to make it this far.  Preferably starting with Tyson, especially now that he's a marked immunity threat.

Edit: OMG, hilarious post at TWoP by ThatPoshGirl:
So... Douche invented Samurais...

Other things Douche Invented:
1. Sex
2. American Idol
3. The Constitution
4. The Internet
5. Physics

2. CSI: 9x19, "The Descent of Man"
Okay, that teaser was incredibly annoying - I don't need an episode specifically designed to look like the image is cutting in and out.  THIS IS WHAT MY TELEVISION ACTUALLY DOES ON EVERY DIGITAL STATION EXCEPT CBS, unless I physically keep my hand on the antenna.  Stupid digital transition.  I will be so unbelievably frustrated come June when I can no longer escape back to the analog airwaves for relief...

Oh, sorry, was I going off on a tangent?  Because I did that a lot during this episode.  Zoning out and forgetting to pay attention, then suddenly realizing two minutes had passed and I hadn't heard a word.  It was just that boring.  Put me right to sleep. 

That's right, show: I'm giving you your first official post-Grissom Stamp of Fail.  It had to happen sometime.  It usually happens in April regardless.  Because, I'm sorry.  Not even last week was this boring.  Also, last week didn't have me groaning at an ending that consisted of a guy dying by having a tortoise dropped on his head by a bird of prey.

Although, hilariously, I just learned about that a few weeks back in a "Which is Worse" poll, when the subject up for debate was something like "lame ways of dying" and there were Wikipedia links to prove that these manners of death had actually happened.  And I did find it amusing that everyone was bored to tears by his rambling explanation (Greg actually yawned!  Hah!).

More quibbles I have: You know what I super didn't need?  EXTREME CLOSE-UPS OF THE HOSPITALIZED GUY'S EYEBALLS.  I get it.  You're making words happen on a computer screen by blinking.  I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SEE RED-LINE DETAIL, EW EW EW.

Things I Liked: Irreverant!Hodges responding to the "I am come" tattoo with "You is gone," and the guy from Ally McBeal playing George, as in Crazy Church of Stephen George.  And the fantastic partnership that is Catherine & Greg (my new favorite investigative duo, who should be paired up forevermore because they're my two new favorites and full of spark.  I've grown bored of Langston after all the incessant focus on him, just like I used to be bored with Catherine.  BALANCE, IT IS GOOD.  LEARN THIS.)

Yep, that's it.

3. Harper's Island
People keep comparing this show to Agatha Christie, which has been making me wary because while I haven't read her work, I did not like the Agatha Christie episode of Doctor Who, and I have a marked dislike for mystery novels.  For some reason I can watch crime shows all day long, and their tie-in novels too, but you hand me a straight-up detective mystery and I'm bored to tears.  Luckily, I'd already been lured in by the promise of the horror-film aspect, because this is unadulterated awesome.

So, the premiere: the first thing you should know is that it took me exactly five minutes to start hoping the bride-to-be would die ASAP, because I was already shipping Henry/his best (female) friend.  I didn't even know her name yet.  *facepalm*  I am officially hopeless.

Henry is obviously going to die in some horrible way right before the show ends, and/or that friend will probably end up being the murderer.  Or vice versa. 

(By the way, in the weeks leading up to it, I may have failed to mention how much I adore the guy that plays Henry.  Like, with spastic and flaily love.  He was the best thing about Popular, on the rare occasion that I watched it, and he is the reason I ship his character with Betty Suarez even though I have never seen an episode of Ugly Betty.  When I found out he was the groom in this show, it was just the icing on the cake cementing my decision to watch.)

In case I still needed convincing of how amazing this show was going to be...this screenshot from the opening minute, describing the random murders 7 years ago, completely did the trick:


WAUGH CREEPY!  I AM ALREADY IN LOVE WITH THIS SHOW AS A RESULT.

Plus, for added creepy fun, here's the present-day killer (bonus: there's my ship!):



As you may or may not be able to tell, the scenery is GORGEOUS - seriously, I just want to stare at these woods all day long, except when I'm staring at the view over the water or the resplendent mansion both inside and out - and the murders are GRUESOME.  WHOA.  Way more gruesome than I imagined, but in a really good way.  Not too gory or explicit, because this is network TV (yay!), but things that turn your stomach and make your jaw fall in disbelief, at least when you're used to a steady stream of shootings and stranglings with the odd fall or stabbing from your crime show diet.

Things like a guy tied to boat propellers (complete with breathing tube, to be sure that he's conscious when the blades start turning).  Or having the lower half of your body sliced off after you plunge through a broken board on a bridge and get stuck dangling there.  Wheeeeeeeee!    

But I'm also really enjoying all the people.  I've decided to forgo my usual approach of cramming names into my head by visiting the website, and instead I'm just going to let them drift in as necessary.  All I know so far are bride and groom (Patricia "Trish" and Henry), and best friend (Abby, which I unfortunately heard first as Natalie and she looks like that should be her name, so it's hard to remember).  And Cousin Ben and Uncle Henry, because they're now dead.

But this does not prevent me from just enjoying all the unique guests and their stereotype roles.  The gossipy bridesmaids, especially the bitchy blonde with the long-suffering and insecure boyfriend (he's like Dennis Finch + wealth + attitude, which cracks me up) who just wants to propose, come on!  The hilarious groomsmen (I like the blond guy).  The cute little tiny dog, which of course will be dead before you know it because one rule of horror films is "kill the pets."  (Or maybe I'm confusing that with when I was scarred for life at age 9 by reading this urban legend in a book) 

And the flower girl, oh my God.  It was like "I love that cute little girl, all precocious and inquisitive and - WAIT, SHE'S A PSYCHO BURNING SNAILS WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS."  And apparently she just gets creepier from here on out.  *shivers* 

Right now I'm not all that interested in Abby's past or what's happening in town, but I feel like I should be on principle after hearing her stupid friend complain about how boring it is and how there's nothing to do.  Bitch!  I hate people who grow up thinking there's "nothing to do" in their poor sad tiny town.  Tiny towns are amazing.

Only one thing I didn't like: "OH MY GOD, THIS IS CBS.  WHY IS THERE A BEDROOM SCENE LIKE THAT."  Dirtyyyyy!  Do not want!  Wrong bad!  I know I block a lot of stuff out, but half of what I watch is on CBS and it, just, it, it has common decency most of the time, doesn't it?  I DON'T KNOW, I FOUND THIS REVOLTING IN A WAY I NORMALLY ONLY FIND ON ABC. 

I should probably make a guess, even just a random and wild guess, about who the murderer is, since that's the whole point of this show, but I am so bad at this kind of thing that I'm embarrassed to even try.  I get all distressed and can't make a decision, because as soon as I pick one name it either seem too obvious or too ludicrous.  So, umm...umm...okay, fine!  I blame Abby's ex, the fishmonger, because I don't like him!  Unless it has to be someone from the wedding party, in which case I pick...Henry's loser brother, because I don't like him either.  I look forward to seeing how laughably wrong I am.

But part of me also kinda wants to think it's a woman.  Just to be super-twisty.  

Also, before I forget, the incidental is scoring is fantastic, but I like their specific song choices too.  Pleasant on the ears so far.

All righty, I'm off to go think about how much I adore the fact that so far, Henry has spent less time with his fiancee than chasing after Natalie Abby with puppy eyes full of concern.  Hee!  I love these two.  Why aren't they together, again?  Also, a kiss is probably too much to hope for given that he's supposed to getting married to someone else and this series unfolds over the course of a week, right?  I'll settle for a hug!  I mean a mid-danger or consolation hug, not the "hi, good to see you!" one from the beginning.

Oh, and apparently there's something even more involved online, called "Harper's Globe," but I took one look at it and it was too complicated and complex for me to wrap my head around, so I'm going to shirk that (breadth, not depth; that's how my TV shows and I work).  But if you have the spare time it looks like it could be pretty cool.

In conclusion: I made an excellent choice in my spring-replacement programming.  I'm just sorry that people have to choose between this and Southland (WHY, TV GODS, WHY), because I love them both but unfortunately, people are giving this one a much warmer reception and NBC is already chop-happy.

4. Bones, 4x19, "The Science in the Physicists" (fact: that title is stupid)
Oh come on, I just dealt with Mr. Nigel Murray.  I don't want to put up with him again.  I need a recovery period!  How often are my feelings about an episode's overall quality dictated by how I feel about the grad student, anyway?

Then again, it was somewhat helpful to see him being punished along with Hodgins for things like being stupid enough to fire a cannon indoors (okay, that bit cracked me up.  I love his itty-bitty-tiny confessional voice, complete with head-hanging when Cam lays some serious glare along with "And why aren't you allowed to be together without supervision?").  But more importantly, I love the fact that Hodgins (the devilish rule-breaker!) comes up with two incorrect and destructive experiments in the course of one episode.  The second of which gives me the greatest vicarious joy I have ever experienced:

*THWACK!*  HAH!  AHAHAHAHA!  ROFLMAO!  I never realized how much I subconsciously wanted to smack Angela in the head with a frozen turkey, but turns out it was one of deepest desires, and I feel extremely fulfilled.  I also like to think there were subtle feelings of Hodgins' at play here. 

I love Hodgins.  Have I made that clear?  In addition to all of the above, he also gets rightfully incredulous that Angela's dad blames him for the breakup, and then gets frightfully narrow-eyed at Sweets off-handed mention of having a thing for Angela.  Hah!  That's right, boy.  Just because he's too good for her doesn't mean anyone else is good enough.  And!  Biting Nigel's head off for no reason.  "You know what creeps me out, the way English people say 'lovah'"  

I also somehow now hate Angela even more, for not being able to sufficiently rein her father in (or admit that it was less "mutual" than "totally her fault").  Not to mention I'm grouchy and distressed that I no longer have any desire to see Hodgins' Torso O' Steel again until that giant and ugly tattoo is COMPLETELY LASERED OFF.  Gross.

The other tiny moments in which I didn't hate this episode's guts were:

-the very beginning, with Bones cracking jokes with a straight face and Booth reminding her to use sports terms instead of scientific descriptions

-Booth's instantaneous response to an explosion being to push her out of the way and shield her against a wall.  Whereupon they find themselves in a compromising position.  Glee!

-Booth being cranky about casual office affairs (*hearts*)

-the bit where they nearly died

-Brennan's terrible attempt at making Booth feel better after acknowledging that he is stupid.  Awww.  I love when Booth gets all insecure about her being a genius.  


5. I know, I know, I need to stay away from it or at least practice selective skimming, but MS. HUNTLEY.  SERIOUSLY.
"Unlike the wishy-washy Lindsay, who pushes Danny away only to turn around and put the moves on him, Angell clearly knows exactly what she wants--and isn't afraid to go after it. It's nice to see a smart, strong woman who isn't playing games."
...WHY IS EVERYTHING A COMPETITION WITH YOU?  BACK OFF and just appreciate Flack/Angell on its own damn merit, without making that relationship comparison, for once.  Someone should really track her reviews and see if she has ever managed to write one, in the past three years, without mentioning her hatred of Lindsay and/or D/L. 
Voice: Would you like me to track your reviews and see if you've ever written one for The Office without mentioning your hatred of Andy?
RS: Shut it.


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