2. OK, Survivor was the best thing ever this week. Douche's story at the beginning...I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I can't even remember the last time I laughed like that. This needs to be shared with everyone:
The Story of How Coach Nearly Died (Example 1 of 7 or 8)
For the record, prior to the airing of this episode, only three people in the world had heard this legend. Feel privileged.
One day, Couch was air lifted - dropped, rather - into the Amazon jungle by a military helicopter (free of charge - he pulled some strings). A whole crew from National Geographic wanted to document his journey and stuff, but he said "nah" and waved them off; this trip was about him being on his own. So, he's going along the river in his 18-foot kayak, right? And all of a sudden, he's feels like he's being watched. Looking around, he sees 6 or 7 of these wild indigenous people, about 4 1/2 feet tall, creeping through the brush with bows and arrows drawn. Stalking him.
They capture and tie him up, then bring him back to their village where they tie him to a stake and beat him with clubs. (Actually, this is the PG-13 version he tells for polite company. In reality, they also wanted to eat his ass, I guess? I'm not sure if he means that literally or in a boylove kind of way) He lost consciousness a few times, and knew they were about to kill him. Luckily, when they finally left him alone, he was able to wear through the ropes, slip away in the dead of night, and escape in the kayak they'd thoughtfully brought with them. It took two days of paddling like hell, hands bleeding all the way, but he made it to safety.
The moral of the story is that no matter how bad things get in your life...something will always come along to make it much worse. Also, that's a true story. Totally true. He knows he leads a fantastic-sounding life, but he is telling this with all the sincerity he has in his heart. He would swear this before Jesus, on his grandmother's grave, in blood that it is the God's Honest Truth. It's just one of many harrowing life-or-death experiences he has gone through in his lifetime, such as when he survived a hurricane, shark attack, or tangled with a crocodile. But those are for another time.
*howls with laughter* The producers must have been beside themselves with joy as they watched Douche dole out ample amounts of rope for the purposes of self-hanging and editing mockery. Personally, I need Douche stories in my life forever. The fact that this is somehow not the full extent of his delusion in this episode makes it that much better.
Don't forget, he also practices a secret and ancient form of yoga/meditation that is so special, you can't even find it on Google. The knowledge is only passed down by Tibetan monks. That's right, Google doesn't know about it. But Coach does! And finally, to quote an amusing TWoP post from babsq about the reward challenge:
Brendan: "We are throwing a metal ball, underhand, to break tiles. None of us have ever done this before."
Douche: "I have!"
I get the feeling if you said anything at ALL - "We are juggling jellyfish, which are on fire, while balancing on the noses of sea lions. None of us have ever done this before." - Douche would claim he had done it and set the world record at it.
Reward Challenge: You know, while most challenges on this show seem terribly difficult and/or exhausting, about 30% of the time they come up with something that looks like the greatest party game ever. This is one of those challenges. Who wouldn't want to toss balls and break the tops of hollow boxes? (come on, you know how much I love watching people shatter stuff on this show) And I love how they got down to that last tile and it just wouldn't end for like another 15 back-and-forth rounds.
Reward: Whitewater river rafting?! That does not sound like a reward. That sounds like a hellish extension of a challenge, or possibly a punishment. Help of pros or not, that would be terrifying! I'll stick to Log Jam amusement park rides, thanks very much. Although I do admit that thick sandwiches, chicken wings, and brownies sound like a delicious picnic menu.
Although I must admit, JT's little-boy excitement was sweet, as was Brendan's commenting on it. As of this episode, I decided I officially liked Brendan, just for saying that JT winning the game would be just like him winning. I love people with integrity-based gameplay, the ones who would rather see deserving people make it to the finals than focus on taking someone unpleasant to secure their own win! It makes my viewing experience so much more pleasant.
Exile: My first reaction was "Awww, poor Stephen," but this quickly turned into "YAY UNEXPECTED SCREEN TIME!" Technically, there was really no reason at all to show this segment, except for catering to my whims...but that is a perfectly valid reason. "I knew I would either make fire, and make food, or die. For a while, it looked like I might die." Aww, I love that he was so embarrassed after his early attempts to make fire at camp that he hadn't tried since. And come on, you can't possibly be immune to the sheer joy on his face when the grass finally catches fire and his head snaps up to the camera, all "DID YOU SEE THAT?? I DID IT!"
Immunity Challenge: This would fall under the category of "difficult and unpleasant," not to mention boring. Clipped to a rope and forced to navigate through an obstacle chute, up and over and under without tangling yourself further in the rope. Yawn. Also, there seemed to be a whole lot of gymnastic flipping over the bars, which was freaking terrifying even on ground level, never mind when they went up to the 3-story boxes.
And of course freaking Tyson won. Again. -.- Prior to this moment, Tyson was the only person I really hated left on the show - if we had gotten rid of him, I wouldn't have cared who got voted off next, aside from faint dislike for Brendan and Sierra and the opinion that Coach could not make it past final 5. But then...that didn't happen; Brendan got the boot instead, and my feelings more-or-less shifted to "EVERYBODY EXCEPT STEPHEN SUCKS."
Vote Scramble: Really...I just felt bad after Brendan stayed up all night, looking sort of manic and crazy-eyed, but finally satisfied that he had the perfect plan. And it was perfect! It kept all my favorites around! He had newly curried my favor! Until he got sent home, in a horrible audience blindside. -.- I have recovered from my "I hate everybody" mode, but I'm still harboring marked dislike for Sierra, and how she's always scowling and squinting and generally looking mean and unpleasant to disagreeable.
Besides, I was so sure Coach was going home tonight. I had fully prepared myself, not least because if I had to hear one more speech about him being the dragon slayer and cutting off the dragon's head, I was going to scream. I just wanted him to go down and face his own defeat for once! But no. Now, five years in the future, he will probably tell people about the time he and 8 other people were mysteriously abandoned in the jungle with nothing but a machete, and he had to lead them to safety. And how along the way, he saved a woman in peril by killing a real live dragon. With a bare hands. I wouldn't put it past him.
Oh well. At least tonight afforded me the amusing Taj interview about how Former Timbira is so busy running around trying to vote each other out that Former Jalapao doesn't even have to lift a finger. "We're like, okay, do what you gotta do, we'll come in later!"
Bones, 4x20, "The Cinderella in the Cardboard" (Wednesday)
Poor episode, it got overshadowed by Thursday's, didn't it? While I'm glad that they've found a way around the Obama/American Idol steamroller front that threatened to shorten their season, this desperate glut of episodes makes their 2-month hiatus last fall seem really silly in retrospect. Especially in light of the fact that they've apparently got a pumped-up season of 26 episodes all told. *raises eyebrows*
I guess I could...discuss the episode now. I may have forgotten stuff. My memory's fuzzy.
* WENDELLLLLLLL! *tackle-hugs* I don't love you, I just...miss you when you're not around, I think about you all the time and I imagine you one day running in slow motion into the lab, full of joy that you are now a full-time employee.
* That is officially the most disgusting body of the year. Ick. Just, ick. Also, I love how I can't even remember who the victim was or why she was killed/who killed her. That's how efficient my seive-like brain is.
* "Ever hear of the Shroud of Turin, Dr. Burn-In-Hell?" Bwah! I love that Booth automatically crosses himself at the first sight of the cardboard.
"You must have dreamed about getting married someday...before your heart turned to stone." Hah! It's a good thing he loves her and is willing to put up with this crap, because my default reaction when she starts going off and being all anti-marriage is to pop her in the mouth. He's much calmer.
* "Never say never." Aww. *pats Booth*
* UM, ENDING FOR THE FLIPPING WIN. Bones, jealous of her coworkers who all want to fall in love and lose themselves, jealous that she won't experience that! "I promise...someday you will." Hell yeah.
Hodgins/Angela: You mean that thing I now loathe and despise? Yeah. Good for Hodgins, going to meet Wendell's friends instead of her! If they are even 1/10th as great as Wendell, he might just find his perfect woman.
Sweets/Daisy: Daisy's trying on a wedding dress with someone who isn't Sweets - omg, she has a secret fiance, the CHEATER!! Um, B/B, that is a terrible assumption to make. Have you been hanging out with Coach? I didn't think grooms usually helped pick out the dress...part of that whole bad-luck-to-see-your-bride-in-it superstition? Maybe she has a gay best friend who was more suited to the task than her female friends/relatives. Maybe she just felt like playing dress-up at this event while one of her friends shops for a dress. I'm just saying, there are about a thousand and one things I could come up with before "secret fiance."
If they had proof she was engaged, I would probably advocate telling Sweets - how could keeping that secret possibly avoid further pain in the near future? - but, you know. They didn't. Personally, I was of the opinion that they just hadn't told anyone about their secret engagement yet, and I was fully prepared to ignore timelines and whatnot and squee like a mad, mad thing when this fact was revealed. (it was a terrible blow to my joy when Sweets had no idea what they were talking about. "*gasp* No! Daisy?!")
Fortunately, then we got the adorable confrontation scene at the end - hah! he's so cute when he tries to get angry, like a Disapproving Bun! - and the episode and all its nauseating utterances of "Lancelot" becomes worth it just for the explosion of cuteness in the apology and forgiveness.
Now we'll pretend that the eternity it took for them to end that scene didn't have me flailing in desperate horror for a remote to make it end.
Bones, 4x21, "Mayhem on the Cross" (Thursday)
I don't know how I feel about this episode. On the one hand, it certainly did its best to make me want to rip off my ears and throw them out the window. (THAT WAS THE MOST HIDEOUS NOISE EVER. MY EARS HAVE NEVER BEEN SO AURALLY ASSAULTED.) It also did its best to offend my eyes with horrible facial piercings + nasty Kiss-style face paint/makeup with blood effects, and from time to time, gruesome things like messily bleeding slit throats. We call this "an exercise in viewing torture."
On the other hand, it also featured two of the greatest people in the world: CLARK EDISON (!!) and UNEXPECTED GORDON WYATT (!!!!!!)
Clark didn't have much to do - I almost wish they'd saved him for a better case - but that's okay; his presence is always welcome. Plus he got to make a discovery fantastic enough for Cam to give him an opportunity to declare "King of the Lab." Which he, naturally, turned down, because he's too cool for any hint of frivolity in the workplace.
As for Gordon! Most delightful man ever. Remember when he first showed up, and psychology was the best part of the episode instead of a weekly drag I had to suffer through to get to the case? Good times! I also love that Booth shoots out the sound system to get the rock band's attention, and he's all "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we start therapy sessions in the first place because you had an issue with shooting inanimate objects?" You could even make a case that the freaky band members' makeup made them look sort of like insane, evil clowns.
Oh, oh, and I forgot another fantastic person - guest starring Tania Raymonde!! (the punk-singer girlfriend) *glomps all over favorite non-contracted actress* I love that her post-Lost career involves making the rounds on all my crime shows.
Now, for important things: I checked in with Bones for about a minute right near the end of Survivor, so I knew from the start about Sweets having lost his (adoptive) parents, fairly recently, as in "right before he began slathering his unwelcome presence all over this show." I was busy kicking TPTB for playing the sympathy vote and trying to make me feel bad about hating him all this time. But then, he did look sort of fragile and valiantly trying to hold it together... I decided it wouldn't be so bad if I imagined him telling all this to Daisy, and thus temporarily placated myself.
Then I watched the episode properly, and I cry foul! Unfair cheap tricks! You know how I feel about scars on guys' backs! QUIT THROWING SWEETS AT ME, SHOW. God, and recieved in childhood abuse, too, "like he'd been whipped." *groans and buries head in arms* FINE. Lance/Daisy can officially be a thing that I ship. Ardently. It's on the daydream roster now. Happy? Because I'm not happy about Sweets becoming an object of attraction to my brain. Stupid brain.
Ooh! But my brain is quite happy with that last scene at the end, in which Brennan tells her traumatic story about being locked in a trunk by her foster parents for breaking a dish (um, is this story real? Because she seemed to actually lose touch with reality for a second and get all choked-up and teary eyed, and I didn't think she was capable of that kind of emotion unless it was part of an act), and Booth's reluctantly-confessed "If it wasn't for my grandfather I probably would have killed myself when I was a kid ALL RIGHT LET'S GO."
Topping off this round of squee are...you know what, there is no way I will ever put it so eloquently as a review I tripped over, so let's quote them:
One of the things Gordon disputes from Sweets' book is that Booth and Brennan are sublimating their sexual attraction through their work -- "One of them is acutely aware of that attraction, struggles with it daily, as a matter of fact." "Wow," Sweets says. "Which one?"
By the end of the episode, we know -- there's a gorgeous moment after Brennan tells Sweets about her childhood abuse, and she's crying (while still trying to make everything rational.) Booth hands her his handkerchief and hovers over her – he’s paralyzed, and can’t stand to see his stoic partner cry. She tucks the handkerchief back into his breast pocket, patting it as she finishes. Booth's hand strays up to the pocket, over his heart, just barely missing Brennan's fingers. He gazes at her, then looks away when he's conscious of what he's doing. Sweets smiles -- now he sees what Gordon was seeing.
Um, question, when did they start bringing such joy to my shippy little heart? Because I'm pretty sure they occupy one of the slots in my current Top Six as far as daydreams go. Crazy!
P.S. PICSPAMMY JOY!
Quick, other Gordon-related notes of awesome so I don't feel bad about neglecting him:
* Making the aforementioned delightful observation! (deserves mention twice)
* Naughty (Noddy?) Comet! (I am highly enchanted with the way Booth says that in an accent, incidentally)
* Suggesting that Booth "ruminate on Milton"!
* ...EVERYTHING ELSE HE SAID, DID, OR WAS INVOLVED WITH
(Finally! Booth's crack about "What are we, the island of misfit toys?" was hilarious. And true.)