RS (rainbowstevie) wrote,

I'm at minute 51.

Hold me flist, I'm scared.


2. When Sarah Jane bid farewell, I took that as the clearest sign in the universe that things were on the tipping sign to slide downhill.  I sat through all the stomach-churning and fought of nostalgia as I tried not to cry at all the other farewells (I kind of got used to the big happy TARDIS-flying family!), but I was still holding out hope for one last bit of Doctor/Rose.

Then they landed at Bad Wolf Bay.  Which, I mean, obviously I knew it was coming.  That's not a spoiler.  What I did not know was...well, observe my reaction as something finally, finally occurs to me.

"...wait a minute.  WAIT A DAMN MINUTE.  WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS, RTD?!?!?!  Real Ten is -- Real Ten is still in the brown suit and Alt!Ten is the one in blue from all the -- WAUUUUUUUUUUUUGH YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS TO ME.  YOU.  ARE NOT.  DOING THIS.  TO ME.  *sobs*  Those pictures have kept me going for weeks!  Weeeeeks!  It can't be true!  It can't!  Oh God...


"That's me.  When we first met." 

*howls and throws self on floor, sobbing her heart out*  I can't go any farther.  I can't.  I won't!  I don't want to know!  I WILL CLEARLY NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN.


And then...then it gets crazy.

"But's it better than that, though.  Don't you see what he's trying to give you?"
Me: *rolls eyes*  What's that, Time Babiez and shippy fic come to life?  [I say this with sarcasm.  I am secretly hoping for it.]

*perks up*  Same memories?  What?  What did you just say?  Because the lack of his memories was like the one big detraction holding me back and --
GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  THAT IS NOT QUITE PERFECT BUT IT'S LIKE 90% OF THE WAY THERE; ALSO WITH ADDED AWESOME.  Because I can't have it both ways.  I realize that, I think, or will pretend I do.  I can't have the life together and the Doctor, Time Lord.  Until now.  RTD.  Thank you.  Mother of God, I think I love you.

"I've only got one life, Rose Tyler.  I could spend it with you."
Mother of God, I DO love you!

[Um, and then I just pinged back and forth with emotions and was super-upset and didn't know what to do with myself.  Because Rose was still in tears and bringing up the other major detraction - "The Doctor's still you," and even if she's happy he is still alone and never sees her again, after all these close calls.  

But then he makes it better.  Kind of.  He manages to word it in a way that relieves the guilt, and then the kiss happens so fast that I'm bowled over and can't believe how comparatively short it is after all that time I spent staring at stills, but then WAUGH SURPRISE DISAPPEARANCE and all my bliss is sort of...I can't comprehend it; I'll have to come back to this later.  I mean, there's a vague improvement over Doomsday in that she's got a shoulder better than her mother's to cry on this time, but...but...Doctor.

And then there's Donna, which, sweet Jesus, somehow wiping her memory forever is actually worse than killing her.  How is that even possible?  But it is; it breaks my heart in a special, ultra-horrible way.  I still think Mr. Davies writes episodes with his Kleenex stock in mind.  And just...I hate this. 

I hate the last scene. Alone again, as always.  SO DEPRESSING.

I hate it a lot, and I think I want to pretend the series is over.  Because it's a horribly depressing end - although, props for not introducing the next special in here, and just letting it have a conclusion - but I could kind of deal with it being the end of the series.  That's how it should end.  (series, here having the American definition of "no more episodes ever.") 

I think I need a very long mental vacation from this show.  It hurts me.  It hurts me in ways that not even the Ten/Rose squee sort of helps with.

Final Thoughts: ...I don't know.  It could have been worse?  It could have been much worse?  Happy things still came out of it?  (I may never actually finish gleeing at the canonical Doctor-with-one-heart-and-growing-old-with-Rose promise)  Why do I still ultimately feel dull and hollow? 

Possibly I've just gone crazier than Dalek Caan.  I'm broken in the head.  And I haven't actually cried.  I'm at some place beyond tears, which is weird, so I fully expect to spend tomorrow or Saturday randomly bawling my eyes out when I remember and/or watch it again, but right now...

Edit: Well, right now I'm rewatching the Doctors/Rose scene and being filled with glee and wondering if it's just my shippy blinders or if you can actually see enough of his jaw to follow the words when he whispers in her ear.  I don't really care.  It helps.

ALSO!  The internet has informed me that there is a bit more in the Confidential - I was gonna say; where was my zoomed-out angle? - so I'll be stalking YouTube now.

Double Edit: Goodness, this helps too.
And this helps, in the sense of "thank God that wasn't there."
But hey, there we go. what I was looking for.

P.S. Dear flist: Thank you for putting up with all of this and for managing to last eight months without spoiling me for details of the ending.  You've all been very, very good.
Tags: doctor who, journey's end

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