Dear internet: quiet, you, because this is my new favorite episode. It made me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes and a stitch in my side. Just the teaser alone was worth it...I am pretty sure that Barney's version of the title rule's origins is the best thing to happen to the church's pop-culture cred since the "Jesus Was A Cool Dude" rap. (Whatever. You know you love that song.)
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus. [a/k/a "writers' built-in defense against accusations of blasphemy"]
Barney: Seriously, Jesus started the wait-three-days thing. It was perfect. If he'd have waited only one day, a lot of people wouldn't even have heard that he died! They'd be all, 'Hey, Jesus. What up?' And Jesus would probably be like, "'What up"? I died yesterday.' And they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude.' ..."
*giggles/hiccups from laughing too hard* And then! The fact that it just keeps going...I feel like I'm watching a deleted scene, like the original should have been cut off before he started the "And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday!" bit, or before the addition that Jesus invented the high-five, but somehow a producer decided to leave the whole thing in and make the episode ten times more glorious as a result. Plus, I just love everyone else's reactions to this...I wish I could have seen this rehearsed; I bet it was marvelous. Surely it took a few tries to get through it without breaking - no one could possibly resist NPH's delivery the whole way through!
...yeah, there is no way I am going to list all 8,925 things I loved about this episode.
* "Texty text!" (Barney: Texty TEXT?!) This bit from the previews had me rolling; I had no idea how good the rest would be!
* Red cowboy boots! And then nothing but the red cowboy boots...oh dear.
* Shattering male fantasies: no woman is ever just sitting around in her old cheerleader uniform (I KNOW. LE GASP).
* Honestly, Barney & Marshall's "We should tell him." "Yeah. OR..." (insert ludicrous come-on detail) "Yeah, that's better" routine never got old, never! I like how easily Marshall slides from "caring best friend" to "evil & exploitive." ;)
* "What are we doing?" "I think we're...about to have sex with Ted."
*facepalm* I don't even want to know what percentage of this season's outtakes are going to involve the three of them taking the jokes in this episode to the next level.
Digression: I watched the blooper reels on YouTube the other day, thinking "Oh, this will be fun!" and then...not so much. For season 1 it was vaguely amusing, but after that it just turned into increasingly creepy levels of "Okay, this cast is WAY TOO COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER." (never mind the copious amounts of swearing, wow, what is that)
Seriously, all I could think about was whether or not they had a kiss or seven stored up on tape somewhere.
* "You sons of bitches!" Is my new favorite Robin line in the history of the series.
* Barney's sarcastic reading aloud of Ted's LOL-misusing messages.
* STAN: Barney shrinking in terror at being yelled at. Stan's poetic text messages. Marshall and Barney having gigantic crushes on him as a result. ("YES! ...you want me to text that to Ted. I know that.") Barney getting all choked up over the sentiment. Quoting Pablo Neruda poetry, which is one of the few things my brain dimly remembers as yet another strain of continuity on Ted's Specialized Interests list. Being all "That's cool" when Barney declares his love outright!
* Robin helping Ted get back at them! "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend." WIN. SO MUCH WIN.
* The fact that even in light of this fact, Marshall & Barney still fighting to be declared best friend, and in fact go so far as to have a heated argument over who is more attractive (physically and/or emotionally). Seriously, the fandom must have so much fun mixing and matching pairings...they don't even have to sprain any muscles.
"...why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?"
* Ted's half-hour retelling of his crazy dream about...an architect dinner party. No gay subtext or friends included.
* Marshall & Barney's suggestive looks and smug nods as the former poses the question of whom Ted would get with if they were the last people on earth. And Ted's completely nonplussed, "Uh-huh. And why do you I have to 'get with' one of you?"
(Barney: "The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. It's just how they get down." Aaaaand...cue Rule 34.)
* TED'S AWESOME VICTORY MOMENT. I don't usually cheer when Ted wins, but...even that's nicely taken care of when the joke ends up on him. Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh.
* Robin ending up with Stan, as he gently breaks up with the guys. HEE.
I made a special exception to watch Two and a Half Men this week too, because...ROSE! *tackle-hugs*
Question, when did Charlie get a steady longterm girlfriend? It's...kind of weird. But hey, if said longterm girlfriend brings Rose The Friendly Neighborhood Stalker back into my life...GOOD TIMES. Oh my God, she is so delightful, I just could not stop giggling. Besides, their terrified expressions as first Alan and then Charlie saw her at the table? I was HOWLING. And the rest of the ep was just, I don't know, love and sunshine and puppies thanks to her. Even just the fact that she formed an immediate attachment to Alan of precisely the same intensity with which she used to carry her Charlie torch...*wheeze* *snort*
I'd also forgotten how much I loved Charlie's sarcastic/slacker housekeeper:
"Boy, take one day off for a poker tournament and you miss a lot."
"You said you were sick!"
"...I'm healed, it's a miracle."
Mia, Candy, Rose, Judith, Berta - I'm telling you, despite the title, it is and always has been the women on the sidelines who outshine the stars. Sometimes, apparently, the show can even still be funny as a result.
First, I should explain my threefold reasons for not being at all interested in the proposed NCIS spinoff, which I initially thought I'd be powerless to resist (and have since learned still isn't a sure thing):
1) LL Cool J
2) Louise Lombard (yep, my residual Hofia hate is that strong)
3) Chris O'Donnell with tragically short hair
So far my impressions are unchanged. These aren't just "blah, boring" people, this is active dislike for three of them - well, four if you count the psychologist, whom I at all times simply wanted to pop in the head over his obnoxious psycho-babble, like it was an affliction he couldn't curb (I already have one of those on Bones - two if you count the intern who spouts random facts incessantly).
I did love Kenzie (Kensi?) on the spot - she's such a bright, perky bubble of fun and sass! Plus great hair to match - and think maybe the blond tech guy, Eric?, could grow on me, but that's simply not worth my interest when I'm already juggling 15-20 other shows and constantly trying not to pick up any new ones.
Speaking of Tech Guy, oh God, they have a Minority Report computer too. Except because they're Special Ops with all the cool toys, we're expected to take this more seriously than we do the one on CSI: Miami. Yeah, I...don't think I could take seeing that thing two days in a row every week. Besides, I'm so cranky about weird new technology, I can't even stand the fact that touch screens exist. That's right, I'm a Gibbs-in-training.
And it was epically obnoxious the way Gibbs and Macy couldn't even be in the same room without everyone getting all wide-eyed and going "OOH, LOOK AT THEIR OBVIOUS MYSTERIOUS HISTORY THAT THEY WON'T TALK ABOUT, I WONDER WHAT IT IS? WE SHOULD SPECULATE. AND HINT. BUT NOT ACTUALLY ASK THEM OR TRY TO FIND OUT, AS THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY." If someone could promise me this series wasn't getting picked up, I might be a little less harsh, but right now it feels like that episode of CSI - "Hollywood Brass"? - where we got introduced to a whole team in California and all you could think was, "This is nice, but what a relief this isn't the vehicle to launch CSI: Los Angeles." I'd like for this one to turn out the same way.
But all that aside, I did like the numerous references to their last L.A. trip - which took a moment to register, as I'd effectively blocked that numbing horror from memory - and a legitimately worried Abby making Gibbs promise to bring everybody (himself included) back safe/alive was the best part of the episode. More specifically, him reaching over to a peck on the cheek in goodbye. *IS SUFFICIENTLY GLEEFUL*
Besides, Gibbs conversing in Russian will never not be hot.
Meanwhile, Tony & Ziva are having their best episode in weeks - in addition to laughing myself silly over Tony's juvenile arguing with everyone, it brings out all kinds of emotions from plain jealousy to real concern to subsequent anger at being lied to and shut out, and it's just really kind of fantastic in every way. I particularly like his stunned reaction to hearing "she almost died." Never mind his reviewing the bit of news footage for himself.
Plus: employing Abby for secret intel missions! I love the two of them in conspiracy. Even when it's not at all fun or games and Abby looks slightly conflicted by all the secrecy and limited information.
Ziva also got to kick ass and take names, or at least lay guys out with unexpected ninja punches, so it was worth my while..
I'm finally interested in knowing more about Ziva's secret Michael person, so, BRING ON NEXT WEEK. And, er, do you really have to bring a cliffhanger with it? Couldn't you, just one year, forgo the cliffhanger? You're a big, famous show now. I'm pretty sure people will remember you're on once you start up the fall promos in August. Sigh.
Without a Trace, 7x21, "Labyrinths"
The latest buzz on the gossip mill is not only that this show & Cold Case have literal 50/50 odds with just one rumored to return, but also that Cold Case's odds were creeping up. =/ After this week, I don't know how I feel; last month I'd have said that's the way to go, but right now Trace is amping things up and CC's on a casual slide down. This is not how they've traditionally performed in the past, so I'm tempted to think that this one's cancellation is better in the long run, but...there's just no good way to go with this.
* Y halo thar, Krycek! "Assemblyman Walsh," whatever. It's amazing how much more you love seeing Krycek anyplace that isn't X-Files itself.
* Samantha taking care of Brian is the cutest thing ever. They have banter and teasing and fake yells of pain to make her quit fussing so much, and bee documentaries (ahaha, unintentional Grissom/Sara parallels!) in bed, and my soul is exploding with delight in how much cuter they are than her and Jack. It's just ridiculous for me to even remember Jack exists at this point, I'm so fond of Finn's parents. Oh, and the fact that he spent the day reading to Finn didn't hurt, either.
I choose to believe that he is falling in love with her, because that's how I roll. I also choose to believe that he's not going to say anything, since he's fully aware of her relationship. I'm not really sure she'd let herself fall for him, requited or not, not after all those promises to Jack and asking him to make concessions (I'm trying not to form a picture of an Office-shaped triangle in my head, but it's not working)...but I also choose to believe that Jack's ugly, jealous, and passive-aggressive temper might unintentionally lead to his own self-sabotage.
Please note the choose in all of these statement. I will delude myself if I want to! It keeps me much calmer than ranting at Jack or Jack/Sam all the time. I also do feel like TPTB are just stringing everybody along before they reaffirm the One True Pairing in the finale or something, maybe in such a way as to shut all the non-JSR-shippers up for good. That's fine. I can accept that fate as long as you continue to placate me with quasi-domestic scenes of Pretty in the meanwhile. *evil grin*
* Danny's parting response to Elena making connections and figuring out something important: "My girl's smart." *beams* And we're good.
* I'M SORRY, WHAT, HYPOCRITE MUCH?
Jack: "You made this unit look like CRAP!"
He's seriously going be a pissed-off blowhard, even after Martin got cleared by the higher-ups, because his behavior somehow reflected poorly on the team? Yeah, because Jack has never gone around beating on suspects, or doing questionable and renegadey-things, or gotten his ass temporarily replaced as head of unit, or slept with a subordinate or anything untoward at all. Llasjdflkajsdfa! Hows about you just back off Martin and stop redirecting your anger at Brian through him? Yes, he screwed up, but this thing you're doing is "overreacting." I probably wouldn't even have said that, if not for the glaring hypocrisy, but...that line ticks me off.
* Other than that, though, I enjoyed the first "WTF how stupid are you?" speech when he dragged Martin & Danny into his office like troublesome schoolboys (partners in crime!), and poor Danny just kind of nodding along like, yep, I'm sticking by my actions on this one. I will also be happy to beat a hasty retreat; sorry buddy, can't help you anymore.