Lost: 2-hour season 5 finale, the title(s) of which I could look up if I wasn't too lazy. The Incident?
You know what I should learn? Lost finales are not that interesting. Infuriating, on occasion, but interesting? They're pretty much the biggest exposition devices ever. Fortunately, the whole "write down 20-25 random things you remember" format has been serving me pretty well for beginnings/ends of seasons, so I'm keeping it up.
Except for the part where halfway through I decide the Love Quadrangle needs its own section and proceed to go crazy.
1. So this is Jacob! Who unfortunately exists and is not a made-up Cult leader - boooo, my theory was better! - and is also dead boring. No, really. Really boring. Once I figured out what his ridiculous appearances in the lives of children were for (Little Katie: never a time when she wasn't a misbehaving pain in the ass! Little James: freaking adorable; if only he'd had proper parental figures!!), I just quit paying attention to the flashbacks entirely.
2. Except for when I saw Nadia. And then it was OMG FLAIL JOY. I like how they just keep that card up their sleeve and whip it out every so often, so that when we're complaining about how all our ships die, they can go "hey, would you like another SECRET SHIPPY SCENE?" and then - if you're me - you shut your mouth and lap it up.
Because as horrible as it is to watch her get hit by the car for no reason at all (didn't your mother ever tell you not to stop in the middle of the street?), it is totally worth it to watch her and Sayid stroll along being in love for 10 or 15 seconds. Besides, see my commentary on CSI: NY's finale re: what I demand for satisfaction when it comes to innocent women being murderer. She wasn't alone, he was there, and she was able to register that fact. Even if only briefly, last words are my particular romanticized Thing. (Which reminds me - Sayid's getting disturbingly good at this, paramours dying in his arms)
Not that it's not still one of the hardest things to watch in the whole finale, you understand. It doesn't matter if it was a foregone conclusion. It still brings tears to my eyes. Tears! Hand clasp and tragic wedding bands! Waahhhhh.
3. STATUUUUUUE! Whole and hale! It is still freaking awesome.
4. So I figured the Forbidden Box of Mystery contained either part of the statue (what, I'm obsessed), a mess of guns (shut up), or a body. The suspense was maddening; I'm glad they finally let us see it at the end, or I would have cut a bitch. Relatedly: When am I going to learn that whenever there is a Forbidden Box of Mystery on Lost, it always contains Locke's body?
5. Does it weird anyone else out that Sun has to cling to BEN for comfort and familiarity? I mean, it's making me like him a lot more, but I also just assume it's one of his mind-control games designed to trick me. Fortunately I am okay with this, and continue to side with Ben on all islandy Issues.
6. VINCENT WAS WITH ROSE AND BERNARD!! Yay! (Also, I positively love Sawyer's every interaction with the dog. I maintain that when he gets back to the real world, he needs to fix up a rural cabin and get himself a couple of hunting-type dogs to keep him company. Pointers, hounds, labs, retrievers; something of that nature. Rural cabin can be substituted for regular house should Juliet manage to be with him, if necessary)
Even though I've been quite fine not seeing them all season, I love that they've embraced their early retirement, fixed up a nice jungle cabin (with ocean property nearby!), and are just hanging out and happy, removed from all the drama and warfare. "It's always somethin' with you people." And I still love that Sawyer is just a genuinely decent guy. "Well damn, I could have brought y'all in!"
Let's pretend Ilana doesn't burn it down 30 years from now, k? And - I WANT THE PAINTING OF VINCENT. *adds to fantasy list of show props*
7. It would be nice if Lapidus could button his shirt a tad. I'm just sayin'.
8. CHARLIE'S RING, still in the abandoned cradle! This makes me deliriously happy. I want that ring to find its way to Aaron even more than I want Sun to find Jin.
9. This episode just made me want to hug Ben a whole bunch. Lying about Jacob! Getting jerked around for 30 years! Finally going insane with the pressure and stabbin' folks with his hobo knife! And by hobo I mean "handed over by not!Locke," I guess. Why don't more of you watch The Simpsons?
10. Locke is never up to anything good. This is true at all times, but especially when he's an animated sock puppet for some random god/immortal being/spirit. (I feel vindicated in my mistrust, yay!)
11. "Just beacuse two people love each other doesn't always mean they're supposed to be together. When you're a grown-up, you'll understand."
YES IT DOES. I am a grown-up, and I don't understand! Poor little Juliet. Although she and her sister are some of the prettiest girls I've ever seen, so at least she had lifelong beauty & nice clothes going for her.
12. I love how nobody but Jin seems to care that Sayid is slowly bleeding to death, and by love I mean "ARE YOU PEOPLE IDIOTS?" I felt like maybe they could have paid a little more attention to what looked like a pretty nasty gunshot wound instead of running around trying to explode things and/or beat each other to death.
13. Did I mention I adored Ben in this finale? Utterly adored at all times. *ding-dong* Hey, who's at the door? Oh, it's Past Self. She wants to kick my ass. BRB.
Love Quadrangle Section
1. Oh, so that's how they got back on the island...Juliet kicks ass, takes names, and says they are. I'm not really sure what just happened there, but Juliet knocked a guy unconscious with one hand cuffed to a chair, freed herself and two captives, and commandeered a sub in about five minutes flat. She's hardcore and I am madly in love with her.
2. "You just don't get it, Kate! We were happy in Dharmaville until y'all showed up. Now that's all over." And everything, everything concerning Sawyer in this scene is love, from his frustrated responses to the aggravating Kate to his disbelief but still total willingness to go along with whatever Juliet says. Heh, "unlock the damn cuffs."
3. I hate myself a little bit that the mere act of Sawyer going "What, you got a compass?" at Kate brought back a host of shippy feelings related to all their wonderful old banter. It was fleeting! I swear! Pay no attention to me, Juliet!
4. Sawyer, honestly, I thought you were smarter than that. Anyone ever says something to the effect of "So we die. We just care about being together. That's all that matters in the end," about their significant other, that is your cue to at least make eye contact with yours.
5. ...wait. KATE?! That's why Jack's on this rampage to reverse time, because he screwed things up with her? Good grief. Also, I want you to think about the implications of this. Kate is the reason Jack is ready to possibly BLOW UP AN ISLAND FULL OF PEOPLE. My God, what insanity is this! Was she by any chance born in a place called Troy?
6. So it turns out I had my fill of punching as of the previous episode, and have no interest in the jungle fight, except to cringe and whimper and really not want Sawyer to go back to that dark and out of control place he was in last time he strangled a guy to death. And then Juliet forces him to stop and he's just totally unhinged, crazed and desperate for something to make sense. Namely he's counting on her for guidance, and it's just painful watching him run after her like an abandoned puppy, completely lost.
7. "I don't care who I looked at. I'm with you."
"And you would stay with me forever, if I let you, and that is why I will always love you..." I may or may not have had a moment of wanting to kick Juliet in the teeth and chuck a Missy Higgins CD at her head.
8. "Why are you doing this, Juliet?" OK, so that's the second-place contender for "saddest part of entire finale."
9. Also there was a moment where, with "OMGWTFJULIET!" rattling around in my brain thanks to Ask Ausiello, I was irrationally scared she might shoot him. And then I wished she had. And then when Juliet walked away from him, I decided that was even worse than Juliet dying. [HAHA. I was wrong.]
10. My thought processes the instant metal started flying: "Sawyer. Get. Juliet. And. Run. (Or duck. Ducking might work better.)"
11. Watching Phil bite it, metal pole impaled through his chest: satisfying.
Watching a chain wrap around Juliet's legs and fly her towards certain death: OMGWTFJULIET?!?!
"YOU SUCK, ISLAND. YOU SUCK SO HARDCORE."
12. But that was before they decided to make her apparent demise last longer than the end of Return of the King. So there was ample opportunity to stretch out the pain and heartbreak under the guise of giving us closure, which...again, see my feelings on Sayid/Nadia. While I'm wincing and trying not to imagine how painful a chain noose tightening around your lower body would be, and completely unable to actually watch this scene because it's visually unpleasant, at least there was time for the last few seconds, for "Don't you leave me!" and for her to desperately take back every nonsensical thing she said out in the woods.
13. Sawyer sobbing after she falls rounds out the trio of "Three Horribly Tragic Finale Moments"
14. I seem to have forgotten to mention Jack and Kate almost entirely. Meh. Maybe next year.
15. And then after all that, Juliet's STILL ALIVE at the bottom of the pit. What. I don't know whether to be joyful or aghast at this new level of torture. Juliet crying all alone broke my heart as effectively as anything else. And then she remembered she's the best lady ever to grace the island with her presence, and decided she wasn't dying in vain; she was going to set that thing off no matter what. But the pitiful little sobs when her feeble efforts yielded nothing...
16. OMG WHITE FLASH.
...now that I've written all that, I've somehow convinced myself it was the best finale since season 1. Oi. Self, let me explain to you a little something called "fast forwarding power."
SO. I HAVE HAD A LONG TIME TO DIGEST THIS FINALE. I suppose it has helped a little with my feelings of initial shock. I have had spoiler reports about Elizabeth Mitchell's casting prospects and What It Means all over the place, but I stick by my original impressions on May 15th - Juliet's not dead! Technically! All we got was a big flash o' white! We could just wind up back in good ole 2004!
...where life sucked for a lot of people and was James/Juliet-less, but whatever! Or it could be some other place. I firmly believe we're seeing her again, which is probably contributing greatly to my lack of shock and or panicking. I'm just hoping it's in the way I want. Because I'm really, really sick of TPTB terminating every ship they come up with. Guys, just because you bring the toys to the sandbox doesn't mean you should grab them away from anyone who looks like they're enjoying them a little too much.
Is it 2010 yet? I feel like that season whipped by so fast that it's just a big blur of "It was 1977 a lot! James/Juliet! ...what else happened, again?" Needs more time on the air per season. I suggest starting the 3rd week in September and running to mid/late May.
Oh, and then I watched the last half hour of the American Idol finale. Just because.
(temporary spoiler space, since I'm posting early)
I wish, I wish I had had video footage of me reacting to the announcement of the winner. It was epic. There I was, scowling at the screen, my fist poised in front of my face, prepared to start shaking it menacingly.
And then Ryan said "Kris."
At which point my eyes bugged out of my head, my jaw fell to approximately my KNEES, and I doubled over in utter shock to wait a couple of seconds and make sure I'd heard that correctly. Upon sitting up and seeing the miraculous celebrations continue, I think I screamed. Star shapes appeared in my eyes. And then I was dancing all the room, squeaking and squealing things like "Omigod!" and "I cannot BELIEVE this!" and "OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BONUS, he somehow got even cuter while stunned speechless/trying to claim Adam deserved it.
And then there was much LOLing as we all realized he would have to inflict his terrible rendition of the winning song upon us again, and I'm pretty sure his eyes were saying "I'm sorry. I apologize for this. It will never happen again." (seriously, they're going to put the song through a massive overhaul/remix before he releases it as a single, aren't they?)
...HOLY GEEZE KRIS ALLEN WON AMERICAN IDOL. God. It's like it makes up for Stephen sucking out at Survivor. I told you I was due for my pick this year! And for anyone who's upset at the natural order of things being uprooted - I agree that I thought Adam would win and I even still think he'll end up being the bigger star
*is all beaming smiles*
(By the way, though uncomfortable to watch, I'm still glad I got to randomly see Tatiana one more time. Then I promptly started thinking about what an awesomely tripped out reality gambit it would be if we could somehow put Tatiana del Toro and Survivor's "Coach" Wade on the same show, and just watch the crazy/delusion EXPONENTIALLY MULTIPLY as they fed off one another's insanity.
But then I couldn't think of any other people who had reached that level of madness, and so decided they needed to pair up on The Amazing Race, which I would watch for the first time in my life if one of the teams was "Tatiana & Coach - Veteran Reality Show Participants.")
Someone please agree with me on this.