RS (rainbowstevie) wrote,

Hey there, Sprague Grayden, why suddenly all over my crime shows?

1. The title only applies to numbers 8 & 9; I have a lot of things to say today. For starters, a shout-out to new flist addition crackers4jenn, who has apparently come onboard the crazy train of her own volition!  (Hopefully I don't scare you away.  Because, I mean, I've done that before.  I am probably doing it right now.)   

2. Edited my previous post.

3. I was having a lot of fun with my new CSI game...until it became crucial that I click on a suspect to collect evidence.  Because my computer sucks and I did the minimum install, all the people and their stupid unnecessary motion merely appear as big white rectangles so I can't click on them, and thus can progress no further.  I suppose I could try re-installing it the full way, but the mere thought of going through that agonizingly slow tutorial again makes me want to scream and strangle someone.  Boo. 

4. TV Squad posted an article about why it was time for Without a Trace to end, and then my inbox contained an e-mail from the Look Again boards about thanking CBS for renewing Cold Case.  Someone should probably compile a huge list of Kat Miller quotes to get my blood pressure back under control.

5. I watched half an episode of "Lie to Me" a week or two ago, just to confirm that when I see previews for shows that I think will suck, I am correct 95% of the time.  It is terrible; the lead guy is instantly as unlikable as Jack Malone, and not even remotely attractive to make up for it.

6. Which reminds me, something I forgot to mention the week before the finale of The Mentalist aired - someone reeeeally should have told me that Smirky McSmirkerson has Gibbs-like murdered-wife-and-daughter angst going on in the background!  I MIGHT HAVE BEEN LESS OPENLY HOSTILE.  (Well, probably not.  Characters with surnames that sound like first names of the opposite gender are too much for me to take, and more to the point, every time he smiles I find myself wishing he'd get punched.  So I'm just going to read this fic that Google The Wise gave to me and be content.)

7. I finally finished Glee!

First of all - I don't want this to influence your feelings of me as a person or anything, but I just read Everything Beautiful in the World specifically to remind myself that teacher/student relationships are Bad Things (it's been getting off track thanks to my nostalgia tour through Charlie/Amita land, and their appropriate ages/situation are confusing my morals).  It, um, backfired. 

As a result, I can't promise what sorts of things I'm going to say or feel about Will/Rachel.  I'm going to try to keep both my head and perspective, since I have a long, long history of adoring teachers who were nice to/supportive of me without developing a crush on them, but most of them also weren't super-hot.  So, I don't know.  Maybe I can exhibit self-control and limit my shipping of them to an unrequited crush on her part.

Anyway.  Now that I've finished watching it, while I can still say that the first 15 minutes and the last 5 are pretty amazing, the segment in the middle dragged down my opinion a tad.  This is adamantly NOT, as one viewer suggested, a show that has completely captured my heart in the same instantaneous manner as Pushing Daisies. 

But it is pretty great.

The Good
* OMG I LOVE RACHEL.  I mean, I knew I would love Rachel from the previews, just because she looks so much like Idina Menzel.  But now it's confirmed!  She's my fictional Tatiana del Toro, complete with the shiny hair but just a tad less crazy, and GEEZE, SHE IS SO ADORABLE.  (although I call total BS on boys not wanting to "tap that," even more than her being unpopular.  LOL TV high schools!  So hilariously unrealistic)

* OMG I ALSO LOVE MERCEDES.  Anyone who uses the phrase "Oh, HELL to the no!", particularly if they are a sassy black girl rightfully laying claim to the fact that they are Beyonce and not Kelly Rowland, wins my undying love and adoration.  I foresee many more good times.

* Like everyone else mentioned, that performance of "Don't Stop Believin'" is literally one of the most magical things I have ever experienced in my life (complete with jazz band support!  Because schools have those sometimes, even though TV high schools tend to forget this fact!).  Furthermore, I don't think I have ever actually heard the original song in full before.  I mean, I know the chorus just like I know dozens of other classic and ubiquitous songs, but I definitely did not know there was an AWESOME STORYTELLING ASPECT to the opening verse about "a small town girl living in a lonely world" or a "city boy born and raised in south Detroit."  Because I would have been all over that long before now if I'd known.

I'm also afraid to go look up the full version now, because it will not have Pretty Rachel's equally pretty, crystalline, perfect voice attached.  Off to go find out where I can get it.

* Although I feel like eventually the chorus sound of a choir doing background vocals between scenes might bug me, for now I'm weirdly enjoying the musical aspect of it.  I don't normally like hearing people sing!  I avoided my school's choir concerts like the plague, and I hate hearing them perform on screen!  But somehow I'm making an exception for this small, plucky, motley little crew of underdogs.  Including the Asian girl - I think her name is Tina? I AM BAD AT THIS - who seems fantastic and is therefore my third-favorite, just barely eclipsing Hilarious Guitar-Rocking...honestly, I don't know the name of the kid in the wheelchair.

Football Guy Finn? is still too bland to register on my radar, but I did get a kick out of those flashback scenes to little-kid him singing with the lawn guy.  Heh.  Oh, and rescuing Wheelchair Kid from jock torment went a long way in his favor.

Finally, WHATEVER, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, I LOVE WILL'S BABY-CRAZY WIFE. Terri is Jessalyn Gilsig and that makes her freaking awesome, and if she's a little bit neurotic, has a bad obsession with interior decorating/ugly pottery, and is under the shameful belief that being an accountant > teaching high school, well...we will just DEAL WITH THAT and focus on how they were high school sweethearts and she was his first girlfriend and AW.

I am going to be super, super pissed if they wind up with a separation/divorce, as this show seems to want them to go down that road with alarming speed.  Is she going to end up not being pregnant?  Because I really want them to have a baby.  Because that's who I am now, this sick, unrecognizable advocate of everyone on all my shows having babies with all possible haste.

The Bad
* Androgynous Dude is going to be a thorn in my side.  I can feel it. He's that weird contestant I hate on American Idol every year, except without the relief of an escape clause whereby at least it'll be over in three months if he's not voted out sooner.

* But not as much of a thorn as the guidance counselor.  Oh, my, God, the guidance counselor.  With her ridiculously huge round eyes and her irritating-as-sin phobias, mumbling, and apparent wad of cotton for a brain (which I must admit is a spot-on description of most high school guidance counselors I've known), there is never a moment she's on screen that I'm not either gagging, rolling my eyes, or groaning loudly enough to drown out her speech entirely. 

* I need the gym teacher/cheerleading coach not to have too many lines, either.  There's a reason nobody likes female gym teachers, and that's because they are all like her, harsh and shrill and grating and abrasive. She's not funny, either.  Although I do like the comical teen-movie aspect of the evil cheerleaders/chastity club members glaring down from above.  Because, as you well know, only hypocritical and/or super-mean teenagers believe in abstinence.

* Even when it's not sung by a horrible voice, I refuse to listen to "Rehab" on principle.  You don't get too many more passes on crap pop songs before I start tuning out, and I hear you've already got Katy Perry tucked up your sleeve.

* Finally, he's going to be Will all the time on this blog, never "Mr. Schuester," because I have ugly, unpleasant memories of that last name attached to an ugly, unpleasant boy.  Add to the fact that it's not exactly the most attractive-sounding of last names to begin with, and it pretty much ruins all the hard work his nice face and hot dedication to the students are putting in.

Conclusion: I think that came out something like 60/40, because the characters I don't like are extremely unbearable, but when they're shunted off to the side, the good characters light up my soul.  Especially Rachel.  Lemme replay Don't Stop Believin' a few more times, and I'm sure I'll be ready to tell you that I'd be perfectly happy if this show just consisted of 60 minutes of her singing.

And like I said -- still on my fall watch list for sure, if the overpromotion I will surely endure during a double helping of So You Think You Can Dance first doesn't kill my love dead.

8. Law & Order: SVU, "Liberties"
Rape fantasy sites.  Oh, boy.  Just when you think I can't possibly find anything new to leave me speechless...this show will hand me something.

And then it won't even dwell on it long enough for me to make statements, because under the guise of turning swiftly into a fairly* straightforward stalking case, it suddenly runs at high speed into this CRAZED MASHUP OF PLOT STRANDS. 

 (*and I say "fairly" because there is just not nearly enough time spent following up on how Sprague Grayden's character almost got raped - I'm sure in any other episode, the victim would have gone crazy from the stress and killed somebody)

And suddenly it's not even about Sprague anymore, but becomes a story about solving a 30-year-old rapehomicide except not really because the boy never killed or even abductted by the serial killer, but another guy, who raised him as his conveniently-available-for-constant-molestation son and now he's on trial in his biological father's court and...

I deliberately made that paragraph as confusing and stream-of-consciousness as possible, because that's what watching this was like.  I think it was good?  It didn't induce any particular feelings of rage or annoyance?  And there was a cute little pit bull mix who stole the scene at a vet hospital, getting its broken ribs patched up after being soundly kicked while defending its owner, which pretty much made the episode worth it for me.  It's just that the rest of it expected me to suspend so much disbelief that it actually had to include meta lines about astronomical odds, and it still didn't win me over entirely.

Frankly, in all the confusion I almost forgot to squeal over the fact that after a 1-episode absence, Alex was back, being as excellent as ever.

Parting shots:
Stalker/dog abuser: I should be in the hospital getting checked for rabies!
Benson: I seriously doubt you gave the dog rabies.

9. CSI: Miami, 7x23, "Collateral Damage"
a/k/a "The second blast will change the face of Miami...FOREVER." (Sure. Right.)

This is the one I had to turn off after ten minutes because I was overwhelmed by the quality, and subsequently missed the rest of the season while I trying to calm myself down long enough to go back and finish watching it.  Quality noted as:

Dammit, Horatio!  Stop being all caring and taking things to season 3 places, what with shucking your sportcoat and carrying women to safety.  Especially women who are Sprague Grayden!  He was even wearing a blue shirt, and unlike when he shoots people point-blank, today blood from the scene actually stained his shirt and stayed there.  WHAT UP, RETRO THROWBACK?

And then just to blow my mind a little more, he goes off interacting with children!  But this wasn't like that stupid "he'll talk to me" crap from a year or two ago.  It was legitimately delightful, kind, gentle conversation with an adorable little girl, the sort of talk that made me fall in love with this show in the first place.  I not only believed he was human, I believed he cared.  I am not okay with this; it's confusing!  He and Calleigh even had a conversation at one point, and then he did some more evidence processing in a lab coat and rubber gloves.  I was about ready to check myself for an unnoticed concussion causing me to see things that weren't real. 

Fortunately, before I could actually hyperventilate from all the shock, Kyle popped up in the morgue to annoy me some more, and then proceeded to a) blow it up and b) start what I'm sure is the path to exposing Tara's secret and getting her fired.  Thank goodness we have Ryan around to give her chances.  Even if she spurns them.  I choose to believe she doesn't.  Shut up let's pretend I haven't seen the next episode yet

By the way, how was that little grenade supposed to change the face of Miami forever, exactly?  Did they mean its ramifications eventually lead to Tara getting fired?  Which, that's true, but that's not in this episode and so it takes a stretch of the imagination to base your entire promo on that.  Frankly, I'm so suspicious of the promo monkeys that I initially thought the grenade wasn't even going to go off, and I was already laughing at their comical faces of horror/diving for protection.

The rest of the episode faded into more bland and routine bomb-investigating, and got boring and convoluted.  Not to mention that some of the Horatio/kid interaction magic faded at the end, where I felt it was sort of...unnecessary that he be at the playground with Tanya and her kids, pushing the girl on the swings.  Then I decided to pretend said girl was Madison, and things worked out much better.  And maybe my brain ran down little mini-Marisol paths of AU, WHATEVER.  THEY WERE VERY PRETTY IN THEIR DAY AND I CANNOT LET THEM GO.

10. And 7x24, "Dissolved"

I wrote this all very quickly.  It might end up sounding like the insane ramblings of Crazy Julia.

a) BWAHAHA LAPIDUS.  Sorry, "Mr. Pierce."  What's with Miami snagging all these great guest stars?  The pay must be phenomenal for them to subject themselves to this nonsense.   

b) I have had enough of gross, dissolving corpses for the year, thanks.  Bones took care of that with the bodies stuffed in wine barrels.  I'm still gagging over that one; I didn't need more of them.

c) On Julia: Honestly, I still cannot stand any scenes with this nutjob "family" unless I firmly and fully believe that she and Horatio are divorced parents, divorced maybe 15 years ago (perhaps not amicably, but not in the ugliest of ways either), who've both been living in Miami with shared custody of Kyle this whole time.  It's the only way I can keep from throwing something when he keeps going "Mom" and "Dad," or when they try to convince me Horatio and Kyle have this deep father-son bond, or that I should in any way believe how aggrieved and self-blaming Horatio looks every time Julia pulls another whackjob stunt due to being mentally unhinged.

It's not bad, actually; I'm still trying to figure out how I can rewrite canon in my head to mentally incorporate them into the same backstory in which Yelina and Marisol existed, but for the most part, it makes me able to almost appreciate things like him taking the gun out of her hand*, or pushing her down the hallway in the wheelchair at the end (PROMO MONKEYS.  That is like the 18th example inside a week of you showcasing something from the last minute in your promo.  You should all be fired). 

* Relatedly: Aw, Horatio, why'd you have to go and stop her??  Suicide would have solved so many problems, namely those of the viewing audience.

d) On Tara: Oh, shut up Ryan.  You did not give her "every chance."  You gave her one chance, which is waaaaay less than everybody gave you, and then you called in your attack dog and had her hauled off in handcuffs.  Remind me again, did you get hauled off in handcuffs?  How much time did you spend in jail?  And, whatever, Tara did not actually accuse Julia of stealing the pills.  She merely mentioned that Julia had dropped by.  Which she had.  She is not responsible if Horatio chooses to infer an implication from that, overreact without proof and do something that is actually in Kyle's best interest, and which he should have done anyway, and it leads to Julia going craaaaaazy!

Or she is and Stetler has decided to be a jerk again.  Fine.

e) So let me get this straight: Tara The Fantastic Alexx Successor goes down for illegal pill possession (hey, remember that time Marisol had all that pot but it was conveniently fake pot and she wasn't charged?  Let's find a similar loophole), and Julia is awarded every possible protection and people bend over backwards to apologize.  I'm sorry, in what universe is this the way of things?  You totally suck, show.  You better have this remedied in the manner of "Natalia's the Evil Mole, WHOOPS JUST KIDDING, say hi to the newest member of the team!" asap.

I'm very protective of my Dr. Price.  When half the cast ticks me off, I do not take kindly to you picking off the ones I actually like.

Does any of this get fixed in the finale, or do things, possibly new things, just keep getting stupider?  I'm a little afraid to watch it.
Tags: bad shows, cold case, csi: miami, fic rec, glee, the mentalist, tv commentary, welcome, without a trace
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