At this point I have probably built AWG into something that cannot possibly live up to my high expectations, which currently look something like "This will be the best movie that ever existed!" I am obviously building myself up for crushing disappointment where in retrospect I will decide that my big-screen ticket would have been better spent on Night at the Museum 2, but...WHATEVER. I WANT IT TO BE MAGICAL; MY SHEER FORCE OF WILL WILL MAKE IT SO. I'm just desperate for a breath of fresh air, cinematically speaking, after weeks of holding in my spitting and vitriolic hatred for things like Star Trek. (OH!)
Topic 2: Squee! While waiting for the "Murder Show," as we call it 'round these parts (preferably in the tone of Sideshow Bob's little son running around shouting "Vendetta! Vendetta!"), I flipped on CBS early and lo and behold, there was a new episode of the poor little canceled comedy that couldn't, "Worst Week." Awww. I forgot to mention that one during the upfronts, since it bit the dust by December, but I grew exceedingly fond of the lovable little show last fall when I could only spare the TV time for something short and silly. I am really going to miss Sam and Mel and Red Foreman 2.0. Stupid CBS and its stupid successful shows setting unfair standards. Anyway.
Topic 3: Harper's Island, #8, "Gurgle"
Awesome. Now things are kicking into high gear. That's the way (uh huh, uh huh) I like it! (<-- I promise never to say that again.)
I was also listening to music prior to this show, and since I had my multi-purpose player on me, I decided to flip the recorder function on while Mom and I were watching. Ergo, this review will be an extra-long running commentary, interspersed with highlights of our conversation, which I found inherently amusing. Your mileage may vary, but I hope it doesn't.
Fair warning, I may or may not have loved this episode enough to watch it 3 times. In full.
Act I: "Hey, Trish? Are you ready to go?" Excuse me, I have to fawn all over Henry for a minute and maybe chuck my Abby/Henry shipping notions out the window for a bit, so fond am I of the husky Voice of Caring right here. And then Trish manages to look like she's taking part in a professional photo shoot with the beautiful, distant look in her eyes when she hugs him, so, I'm just saying. I get swayed by hugs. I think I might be really sad if/when she dies?
-The person I most want to die right now is this random blonde bridesmaid. She was basically a non-entity for half the series, and suddenly she's superglued to the remaining groomsmen like a main character. It's weird, unless I just totally ignored her up until now (also possible; this is what I did with Richard). It doesn't help that she is really annoying, in a way that makes Sully look good.
(although this is not saying much, because I am still really fond of Sully. I can't help it; for all his jackassy ways, he'll go and redeem himself with loyal lines like "[JD] was a really good guy. You should have seen him and Henry; they were like...best friends.")
-"Shut up, Shane." Oh, Sheriff. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.
Mom: Is it bad that I'm bored when people aren't getting killed?
Mom: Well, if they would make the rest of it interesting, instead of this boring love story I don't care about...!
[Mom and I proceed to concur that Jimmy and Abby are the most boring, uninteresting storyline in the series to date, and that's mostly what she meant. We are both also in agreement that Henry and Trish are still fairly interesting.]
Mom: Is there any dinner left? I need to eat while I'm waiting for murders.
Me: And she mocks me for eating during "CSI."
Mom: I know...
Me: And there she is, "Murders! MUST HAVE MORE MURDERS. Is there any chicken left?"
Mom: They forced me to condone violence because of their boring love stories.
-Fawning over Henry again, BRB. (It's not my fault! Hot guys forming search parties for their nieces, and being vaguely appalled by others' lack of immediate willingness to help out and delay their own escape, is very attractive!)
-Relatedly, I don't know if I have mentioned how much I love Cal? He is this pint-sized frail little thing, and yet trounces Sully in moral fortitude and compassion every time he turns around. Of course he's willing and ready to help! And the lovely lady Chloe will follow him anywhere, despite her appearance suggesting that she's far too much a spoiled brat/priss to have a heart. DON'T DIE, YOU TWO. ILU.
-HOLY CRAP, they just shot the deputy. Yay! Rampant pointless death comes early this week, multiple murders ahoy!
-Awww, poor little terrified rat dog and HOLY CRAP, they just stabbed the sheriff in the leg! He's not going to die this early, is he?
-Also, the more I look at that creepy shivering dog, the less cute it gets. You know what it reminds me of? That time Lisa Simpson thinks she's going to shear a sorely neglected sheep, and it turns out to be a rat buried in a ball of wool. THIS DOG IS A RAT IN DISGUISE. It is hard to find an ugly dog, but this one fits the bill.
-Seriously, I love the two remaining groomsmen and their best-friendship. It makes me want to read fic of them. Possibly even slash fic; I don't know; I'm open to new things tonight.
-OK, why is there an entire pig's body (with decapitated head sitting cheerfully next to it) in the meat locker? And why couldn't the bridesmaid have died right here like I was expecting?
-Ooh! Malcolm's bloody handprint......and his incinerated body! (or at least the skull) Furthermore: Cal being awesomely authoritative and Taking Charge.
-RICHARD'S BODY SKEWERED TO A TREE TRUNK. I would just like to point out that we're only 1/3 of the way through the episode, and we've already discovered two corpses and had a gory injury and a murder to boot. Someone's having the best week ever!
(That someone is me. Get it? /obnoxious Barney Stinson need to explain jokes)
Me: You know what, I think I'm a little tired of "Viva Viagra" commercials.
Mom: I don't know why we have to watch them. I mean, don't you think if you need Viagra...you'll know about it already?
Me: Hah! Good question. I'm pretty sure they have achieved everlasting name recognition at this point. Think of the millions they could save on advertising!
Mom: Yeah. I mean, I can see where if it was a new medication just coming on the market, like...what was that one we used to make fun of? Like it helped your anti-depression medication work better--
Me: Oh, Abilify?
(insert hysterical laughter for at least 30 seconds)
Me: *snicker* That is never not funny.
Mom: As soon as you hear the name... *is laughing again* Abilify. Now, with that, you need to advertise, because nobody's going to randomly say, "Gosh, if only they'd invent something that would make my anti-depression meds...really click."
Me: *is still laughing*
Mom: *is still laughing and shaking head* "Abilify."
Me: Best drug ever. I don't even have to get a prescription; hearing the name alone brightens my outlook on life!
Madison's mom: How did she sound? Was she scared?
Abby: *looks blank and says nothing*
Me: Wow, way to give a comforting answer there. Especially considering that no, she actually didn't sound scared at all. She was like "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to tell you that if anyone leaves the island, I'll die. Tra-le-la!"
-Time for my regularly scheduled "fawning over Henry" break. Now even hotter while defending his future family and being all, "Hey, Sully, would you SHUT UP for a minute? You have no idea what's going on here."
Sully: Why is her life any more important than any of ours?
Mom: WHOA, he's Spencer [Pratt]!
Trish: *slaps him across the face*
Me: GO TRISH.
-And now mysterious boots are walking up by the Sheriff's head.
Me: *supremely flippant* Eh, it's just Burnface.
-Cal: More people are accidentally killed by their own weapons than by the criminals they're trying to protect themselves from.
Mom: I...don't think that's quite true, actually.
Sully: Don't care.
Me: This is why I still love Sully.
Mom: That's another thing -- when did guns become, like, cannons or something? They're just guns, which have been around forever. If people are raised with guns and understand them, they're just a tool, they're not supernaturally powerful. [I start giggling.] No, really! People are like, "WHOA, I SEE A GUN!! Nooo, we're gonna shoot ourselves!" It's a little absurd.
Me: Well, that's why Cal doesn't get one.
Mom: *echoes commercial* "The new frosted coffee twisted Frosty!"
Me: "Hand-spun with real coffee!" As opposed to fake coffee.
-"No! No one's leaving!" Damn, how many different scenes can there be that require me to fawn all over Henry?
-In retrospect, the whole long Convo of Exposition between Burnface and Sheriff Mills is really boring can be summed up in two points: "Abby's involved whether you like it or not," and Wakefield had a crazy murder journal he wrote during prison, which has been floating around available for unknown numbers of persons to study in recent times.
-Aww, Henry's goodbye kiss. Also, you know the show's turned a new dark corner when people part company saying things like "Shoot anyone you don't recognize." Relatedly, HENRY. WHY ARE YOU GOING ANYWHERE BY YOURSELF? This is lending credence to people who think he's the killer! *whines*
-WAUGH, FLYING ARROWS. SWEET. Two deaths and the episode still isn't over?? Plus, I like to imagine the killer just hanging out in the woods, letting arrows fly one by one, giggling to himself and being like, "Whee, this is fun!"
[*extended mocking session of the people grinning and swinging their hips with exaggerated joy on the Ab Circle* "Wheeee!"]
Me: Why is this mini-infomercial on during primetime? This is a crappy late night/midday type of commercial!
Mom: Maybe it's the only sponsor this show could get.
*preview for 48 Hours plays*
Mom: *is excited, and only half-joking about it*
Me: But - but - but - I was going to force you to watch Pushing Daisies next!!
Me: YOU SUCK.
Mom: I saw it a couple times; I just couldn't get that into it!
Me: IMPOSSIBLE. YOU ARE INCORRECT.
Mom: Well, did you love it right off the bat?
Me: (with awesomely baffled "Bzuh?!" face) OF COURSE I DID. It is not possible to see this show and not instantly fall in love with the fairy tale!
Mom: *attempts to fob me off with the claim that the show always made her crave pie and so she couldn't sit through it*
Me: I don't think I'm even related to you.
Mom: Look, The Murder Show is back!
Sheriff: The bag...get the bag...
Mom: Oh, yeah, send her out where Bow and Arrow Guy is.
-I love Cal. And Cal/Chloe. "If we leave and Madison is hurt...I don't feel I could live with that. And I know you well enough to say that you couldn't either."
-WAUGH, JD. Um. That shouldn't have been unexpected, and yet it totally was. And as long as I can use this as proof that neither Henry nor Abby is the killer (Abby can't be and...it's too obviously red-herring for it to be Henry now, right?), I find am perfectly fine with this. I've got distraught!Henry with blood all over his hands, presumably from being unable to save his brother, right? That's nice.
-Me: "It's all about you, Abby." See, what does that mean? Does that mean it really is Wakefield? Man, if Wakefield is her biological father, that is going to be really lame.
Mom: Well, it's someone trying to get back at the Sheriff; it could be Wakefield or it could be he recruited someone to finish his work for him, before he died.
Me: This is why I need you. To be my personal logic center.
Mom: But the weird thing is, Henry still could be...I don't know; he's been on his own...
Me: No! That is not helping! Bad logic center!!
Previews: This seems unusually upbeat, for a promo for this show. It's all full of bouncy adventure music, like solving murders is just something this gang does for thrills, in the manner of Scooby Doo.
My recorder: Ran out of power at the exact second I finished typing the above sentence. Now that is perfect timing.