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Groundhog Day, But Not the Usual Way

By which I mean it was actually about a groundhog, and there was no events sequence repeated over and over again.  Unless you count the potential pregnancies, marriage proposals, animal-freeing schemes, and/or the number of times Che uttered the phrase “meant to be.” 

Rantview ahoy!

  1. Oh look!  Taylor is now STALKING Ryan, hanging out on the mall balcony and watching him through binoculars.  At what point does this stop being funny and just become sad?
  2. Ew, is Julie actually sneaking around with Frank?  What did I say about being nice to Bullit?
  3. *stuffs cotton in ears to drown out Che’s “singing”* Why doesn’t Summer kick him out already?  He is the creepiest and most disturbing person she’s ever been friends with, and I’m counting Luke and Holly in that mix.   
  4. Plus, all those lit candles sitting on the floor just make me nervous.
  5. Um.  You know, getting her kicked out of college WAS AN EXTREMELY HURTFUL THING.  So is attempting to steal her boyfriend on the misguided grounds that some hallucinatory dream you had in the middle of the woods told you to.  What I’m saying is that Summer should never trust Che regarding anything.
  6. Words cannot express how badly I want this doctor’s appointment to be cancer-related.  (For your sakes, I’m pretending I have not already been spoiled for this ep.)
  7. Uh.  Che is watching Seth sleep.  Ew?  If I didn’t already know that the Casa de Cohen didn’t have locks, I would start to become suspicious that he could actually turn into a frog.  That’s the only other explanation I would have for how he seems to be able to enter, unnoticed, into any place he wants.
  8. (as he rips the covers off Seth’s bed) Seth: “I’m glad I don’t sleep naked.”  I was thinking the same thing.  I was also thinking that Che probably wouldn’t have minded if he did.  Then I went and threw up.
  9. I’m not even going to tell you how stupid this plan of his sounds, by the way.  I’ll wager a thousand bucks that Newport Chuck has a more comfortable living situation than a lot of pet dogs who spend their lives penned up in a backyard kennel. 
  10. Oh yeah, Ward Dorks.  That’s totally how adults talk to each other, all the time.  “I can’t wait for two big handfuls of your butt!
  11. Kaitlin: “Do you guys realize how much you talk about other guys’ butts?”  HEE!
  12. Scrapbook sighting #2!  I still want it as a birthday present.  I also still want to know what the picture of nuns is about.  It looks like something from a play, maybe?
  13. …okay.  So when I was fawning over the scrapbook last time, I didn’t understand that Taylor was literally stalking Ryan.  Stalking as in “following, taking pictures, and KEEPING A LOG OF HIS ACTIVITIES.”  Now I’m really, really waiting for her to be carted to a mental hospital.
  14. The therapist’s methods are “very aggressive,” huh?  Well, so long as they don’t involve any sort of rebirthing ceremony, I’m sure they’re not that bad.
  15. Won’t Neil be kind of pissed when he finds out Julie’s been selling off his belongings?  I don’t care if they bought them together, that doesn’t mean Julie can get rid of them without asking.  Someone fly up to Seattle and tell Neil to evict his mooching, thieving tenants!
  16. Oh GOD, be cancer.  Please be cancer.  Please be cancer.  But I can’t help pointing out, as 40 is a mite young for menopause, if Kirsten’s late and feeling tired, shouldn’t pregnancy at least cross her mind??  If it has, she’s not giving any indication.
  17. Seth: “I don’t know, he seems to be doing all right with the free care deal.”  EXACTLY.  Seth, I know you’re prone to fits of stupidity at regular intervals, but even you can’t be as dumb as to try to and liberate animals with Che.  Did Summer ever tell you why she got kicked out of school?
  18. Why does Seth feel bad about hurting the moron’s feelings, anyway?  I personally have a strong desire to punch him in the face every time I see him.  Feelings are nothing.
  19. K: “We need to talk.” B: “Oh, not if it’s about that booze you asked me to buy.”  *melts* Have I mentioned I love Bullit? I can just see Kaitlin trying to work her usual charms and him going “Sorry Peanut; I’ll buy you anything, but it’s gotta be legal in the U.S.”  And Kaitlin would be all, “Yeah, I kinda figured.  I just had to try, you know?”
  20. I love how delighted she is at the prospect of Bullit proposing to Julie.  I’d be excited too, because he’d be an awesome stepdad.
  21. Although at the moment, the plot here sounds like something one of the kids in the Baby-Sitter’s Club books would hatch.  You know, harebrained and completely juvenile.
  22. Ew.  Taylor saved a used toothpick.  EW. 
  23. *sighs as Summer goes all best-friend on Taylor* Remember when Taylor was a minor character that everybody was happy to hate?  I miss season 3.
  24. Hee, Ryan and Kaitlin chatting again.  It’s still not as cute as Bullit and Kaitlin chatting.
  25. …Che the environmentalist hippie actually drives a gas-guzzling, environment-polluting 70’s van?  The hypocrisy of this idiot never ends, does it?
  26. Okay, see this odd scene with the two boys in the van?  This is how slashers imagine things to be all the time.  I used to be so happy that I never had to be in their heads.  THANKS, SHOW.
  27. “My favorite flavor is cherry, but my dad’s is blueberry.  *chuckles*”  Whoa, pause-rewind and listen to that line again.  When did Seth turn into a 5-year-old?  I thought we weren’t doing the flashback episode for another couple of weeks…
  28. “Taylor.  Would you talk to me, please?  This is crazy.  …all right, would you at least tell me what this is about?  Are you breaking up with me?” OH MY GOD.  I’ve been establishing for weeks how much I hate Rylor, and yet poor Ryan looks and sounds so hurt and confused in this scene, all adorably crouched down to try and look Taylor in the eyes…
  29. *squeals* “Look, whatever the reason you’re doing all this, you don’t have to.  We can work it out together.  Please.”  Soft voice - followed by extreme puppy dog eyes.  ACK FLAIL words cannot express how much I want, right now, to see Ryan take Taylor in his arms and give her a hug and a kiss.  Leaving school has clearly made me insane.
  30. Um.  Isn’t this building, like, a public office?  Should there not be some kind of security/alarm system that goes off when people enter after-hours without proper access credentials? 
  31. And…they were stuck on the roof all night.  Nobody missed them, I guess.  I love how the Cohens never worry at all when one of their sons fails to come home at night.   
  32. Poor Seth has got to be getting sick of waking up to Che every morning.  “You realize this is the second time we’ve spent the night together?” Che asks.  “So?” replies Seth.  So, Che clearly has the Third Date Rule on his mind.  Why has none of this set off Seth’s Creepy vibe yet? 
  33. You know what?  Give me the grappling hook. I’m gonna rip his face open soon if he doesn’t shut up and stop trying to work up the nerve to convince Seth to be gay.
  34.  “Oh, Sandy, I don’t think I’m in the mood for a big breakfast right now.”  Words cannot express how badly I want this to be cancer-related right now.  There is no other reason for the nausea!  None!
  35. So I’m guessing this fabled mail truck is one of those giant plot points from season 2 that I missed while I was boycotting the show?
  36. Ooh, Kaitlin with appendicitis.  Worth pondering, I think.  That’s totally how she’d call her mother, too.  “What does it feel like when your appendix bursts?”
  37. Hee, hee, hee.  I love how happy Kaitlin looks at seeing Bullit sweep Julie into his arms. 
  38. But now is where it starts to go downhill. Poor sweet girl, you didn’t really think you could manage to marry off your mother without having your role in this found out, did you?
  39. Oh my God, Summer, shut up.  Newport Chuck is only sad because he’s in a tiny carrying cage that CHE stuffed him into.  His normal living quarters are pretty cushy.
  40. “The reason I would have told him to marry you is because he loves you.  And he’s a really nice guy, and he’s really funny.  And he’d make an amazing stepdad.”  I love Kaitlin’s heartfelt speech.  But I also appreciate Julie’s side of things, when she explains “there’s more to relationships.”  Yeah.  Such as how seeing as it’s not the 19th century, marriages generally happen out of love.  While I see and support Kaitlin’s side of things, I wouldn’t particularly want to be in Julie’s position of having, um, a wedding night with Bullit.  Now true, the last time Julie had sex with a man who was actually attractive was…possibly never…but still.
  41. Up to this point, I didn’t really care what the mystery present was…but as soon as he said ‘junkyard,’ I figured he was hunting down an old mail truck.
  42. That woodchuck costume looks extremely evil. 
  43. Time for my weekly commercial commentary: I love the Mac/PC commercials.  I have absolutely zero love for Macs, and the smug attitude of the Mac character in these commercials only further lowers my opinion of them because Windows has always worked just fine and dandy for me, but I still love watching these little scenarios. 
  44. Not for the first time this evening, I find myself lacking words.  This extremely stupid, cheesy scene between Che and his Soulmate In a Groundhog Costume…ugh. It went on for ages, too.
  45. “Hi Dad!  I hope I’m not late for Mom’s party.”  Again with the 5-year-old intonation.  That, or he sounds like he’s reading off a card for a classroom skit.
  46. R: “Sandy seemed to take that pretty well.”  S: “Are you kidding?  He’s waited 18 years for me to be arrested for political activism.  It’s probably the proudest moment of his life.”  Hee!  I love that this isn’t even a blip on Sandy’s radar.  Poor Summer, stuck with a Republican dad.
  47. Oh, look at that.  A mail truck.  I love how Sandy has this huge, crazy, wild-eyed beaming smile on his face.  I love the conspiratorial grins on Seth & Ryan’s faces, too. 
  48. Okay, here we go.  Words cannot express how much I did NOT want Kirsten to turn out to be pregnant.  Perhaps the skull-sized impressions in my desk, door, and various places in the wall will illustrate it for you?
  49. Because I knew, the moment Summer ended up in the clear, that were going to be saddled with another damn Cohen baby. 
  50. Show, I give you ONE WARNING: You will NOT, in the series finale, attempt to show us what life is like a year into the future, or something.  You will leave me in peace to decide my own canon.  Cohen Baby WILL go the way of the Jack/Anne lovechild.  That’s my preferred format, although I have a couple of other vehicles for the same general outcome. Tragedy would be beautiful for this family. 
  51. See right here, the look on Sandy’s face when he fears bad news?  I treasure this look. I cherish this look.  It has my heart breaking into a million pieces, seeing the love and concern in his eyes.  DIGRESSION POINT: And seriously, how wonderful would it be to see in this moment all his plans, all his triumph and pride and happiness of the day, come crashing down around him in an instant?  The irony would be spectacular. Plus I want to imagine them dealing with this months down the road, Seth and Ryan standing by helplessly while Kirsten battles cancer & chemo at once, while the rock of their family weakens.  I’m not saying I’d want her to die, I just want to see her have a long, tough road ahead.  Somebody needs to write me this fanfic, and I’m not freaking kidding.      
  52. (And no, I don’t care if they already went down that road with the Nana.  That was approximately the point where I turned my back on the show for the first time, so I don’t know how that played out.  Besides, Nana was not a beloved character.)
  53. END DIGRESSION: The dopey grin on his face two minutes later does nothing but disgust me.  Ugh.  How boring and fluffy can you get?  And why does EVERY show think it needs to sail out on a pregnancy?  WHY?  I mean, nobody’s gonna top 7th Heaven’s original plan, fluff-wise, but still.     
  54. This whole conversation is only good for pretending it’s 20 years ago and they’re talking about the pregnancy that will become Seth.  Because they’re acting like this is their first child.  Too weird.  “We’re gonna have a baby,” lacking the key *another* in there.  “There’s gonna be a whole lot more to love.”  AS WITH YOUR FIRST SON?  Oi.  You suck, show.
  55. For more specific details on why I do not want a Cohen Baby, please see this post.
  56. Heeheehee, I love how Bullit is kinda half-scolding Kaitlin, but not actually bothered in any way.  He just calls her dirty e-mails “A little frisky, little inappropriate?” and then laughs away. 
  57. AMUSING EXCHANGE: S: “I was gonna run and pick up Summer, so...” R: “Oh, could you give me a ride?  Because I gotta--” S: “Go get Taylor and tell her you love her and you can’t live without her?” R: “Mm, something like that.”
  58. And as long as I content myself with the knowledge that by sheer willpower, I can kill that child in the womb…the many long Looks of Love between Sandy & Kirsten tonight are very adorable and heart-warming.
  59. Aw, groundhogs are cuuuute.  But, um, Che?  As I thought we discussed during your bunny-freeing scheme, this animal has been raised in captivity and has no concept of how to function in the wild.  He will be dead of either starvation or auto accident by the end of the week.  Hope you can live with that.  Otherwise…
  60. GOODBYE, HIPPIE!  And good riddance.
  61. Ryan’s pretend-stalker moment was extraordinarily…ew, and off-putting.
  62. I really wanted the rest of that scene to be cute, say, along the lines of Seth flopping on Summer’s bed last week (though not with the implication of what came afterwards).  Instead, it just sort of fell flat.  Sigh.  But good to see I’m still not on board with Rylor, as a general rule.
  63. Kaitlin’s dancing with Bullit!  CUUUUUTEE!  Even Julie sees it!  And…oh, no, why are you the phone and looking sad again?  I’m not going to like this, am I?  (answer: no.)
  64. …so Julie is going to throw away potential happiness with Frank “for the good of her family.”  For God’s sake, Julie, it’s not like you’re a destitute widow in the middle ages who has to take the best man who’ll have her.  While I despise Frank and think Bullit IS a way better choice, and also if you stayed with Frank I would have to revive my season 2 summary of the show, which read “all the characters are as stupid and inter-related as a clan of rabbits,”…your rationale for choosing Bullit, acting like you have no choice but to make this huge sacrifice, is ridiculous.
  65. Uh.  So.  Frank was going to propose to Julie?  Weird.  Also, marriage proposals are almost as irritating as babies when it comes to series-finale fluff.  Rolling eyes now…bye. 

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