And we're off!
#1 priority here tonight is not letting any (more) of Lady Gaga’s music infect my ears, because I know exactly how susceptible I am, and I had enough of that shit with Flo Rida. Only now it’s more imperative than ever, because LG horrifies me way more than any rap artist ever could. [Edit: So it is a good thing she winds up being pretty irrelevant, pretty fast. I approve.]
7:00 PM: Oh, I see we're going to start with that nonsense. Let me just leave. *goes to fetch a bowl of stir fry*
7:02: Oh, wait, is it the good one? It is. I mean, good is an extremely relative term, but "Poker Face" is allowed. And the glittery swimsuit with what look vaguely like butterfly wings may be the least freaky costume I've ever seen her wear.
7:03: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't accurately articulate the glee I am filled with at the notion of seeing her burned alive. I try not to be the kind of person who wishes gruesome deaths on real people, but sometimes I simply cannot help myself.
7:04: Wait, is she coming back for more? Oh, screw this. "Take my picture, Hollywood" sounds like it could be gearing up for "Paparazzi," so I'm fleeing the scene again. [Edit: Seems it was something else; whatever, still avoiding additional exposure.]
7:09: "Have a good time, honey. Stay away from Katy Perry." HAH! Sound advice for everyone, really. Also, Stephen Colbert's daughter > him.
7:10: NO. THIS IPAD CRAP NEEDS TO STOP NOW. [edit: spoiler alert, it won't]
7:11: Song of the Year. I...think I am cheering for Poker Face by default (gross). I'm pretty sure that Taylor has to lose a category just to make up for that awful music video I did not previously know existed. WHAT IS THAT. It looks like Ugly Betty exploded all over a rural high school. And not in a good way.
7:12: ...I take it back! WHY DID BEYONCE JUST WIN? "Single Ladies" is terrible. Remember when I first heard it on CSI: Miami, and I was promptly transfixed by laughing my ass off at its ridiculous video? The song itself is moderately better, but it is not special in any way.
No, really, can we talk about that video some more? Everyone keeps calling it one of the best music videos ever, and for the longest time, I thought they were joking, and then I realized they were serious and nearly died of horror. Um, they're dancing in leotards. It is the most boring, unimaginative music video it is possible to make. They don't even have pretty costumes for you to focus on. The choreography isn't exactly mesmerizing (maybe this is where we differ? For the record, I am right). And even if they did have good costumes and choreography, it would all be instantly negated by the part where they randomly spank themselves.
I do realize we are awarding songs and not videos, but I store up a lot of issues about popular music throughout the year, and this is really my only venue in which to release them.
7:13 Why are we introducing J.Lo with "Jenny from the Block"? Is that the last time she was relevant?
7:16: I feel like this song (21 Guns) could be decent listening. I dunno; it feels weird (if not unprecedented) to say that about Green Day, but the performance seems much less obnoxious than expected.
7:23: "When In Rome" looks terrible. And yet, I get the sense I'd actually enjoy it if not for Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel.
7:24: Okay, I was not aware we were voting on which song Bon Jovi would play later, but I am voting right now, because this is so much better than that awful My Grammy Moment idea they had for a while there.
7:25: Best Country Album. HAS to be Taylor Swift, and I mean it for legitimate merit-based reasons this time, because "Fearless" is one of no more than five albums in existence that I can listen to from start to finish without skipping a single track -- yay!!!!!!!!!!
7:26: Can't decide if I love or hate her dress. It's a gorgeous shade of blue and it sparkles like whoa (always a plus), but a weird style, and I fear she might have a naked-time wardrobe malfunction at any moment. On bright side, I love her giant glittery earrings and her super-permed hair. "I am accepting an impossible dream." Awww. Not loving her is like not loving KITTENS.
7:27: Wait, why is Beyonce sometimes known as Sasha Fierce? (though, I'm super excited that I finally understand Kelly Kapoor's Twitter name now!) I get that it's her album title, but why is it called that? I guess I won't find out anytime soon, since she's up for a performance now. Ooh, pretty piano opening! Can they keep up the magic once she starts singing? Answer, no. Sigh. Why is she grabbing her crotch?
7:31: So much about her perplexes me tonight. For example, now I want to know why she's singing "You Oughtta Know." Not that it's not better than all of her music, I'm just confused.
7:33: Don't make me accuse you of hairography.
7:40: By the way, where's Pink been lately? I haven't heard anything about her all year, so it's surprising she is up for awards at all. She's about to perform now, and she's always hit or miss with me, so the question is: is this one of her on songs, or off songs?
7:41: Judging by the lyrics, it is an on song - all bittersweet and sad. Not instant love, but it's got lyrical potential written all over it. Blog posts will be titled after it. Maybe fic. "Half Past Oblivion" FTW.
7:42: And judging by the Cirque du Soleil style happening here, I feel like this is gearing up to be a classic Grammy performance of the kind I frankly have not seen since 2007. Scratch that, it definitely is. Is that really her? Because this ribbon-gymnastics thing she's got going on is awe-inspiring and jaw-dropping, whichever sounds more impressive, and that's not even counting the amazing trio above her...
7:45: *dazzled speechless*
7:46: *shakes it off* Ooh, Miranda Lambert, I like her turquoise glitter dress. I am very fond of glitter. [edit: haha, just realized Pink's song was called "Glitter in the Air." Perfect!]
7:47: Best New Artist: The Tings Tings aren't really new, are they? Didn't they do an iPod commercial or something? The name sounds familiar. Anyway, they didn't win, the hick-looking country boys I've never heard of did.
7:54: I have the oddest feeling that I wouldn't hate the Black Eyed Peas if they weren't so damned ubiquitous. They don't fall into the category of hip-hop as much as you'd think, and even when they do, I somehow don't care? Plus, I love seeing them perform - even though normally, live performances are not at all my thing - because I'm continually fascinated by their crazy faces. Taboo in particular is weirdly attractive, in a too-perfect, almost androgynous, sculpture-esque way I can't get over.
7:56: God, I do like them. Not in a way where I will admit it in polite company or have any of their music on my computer/MP3 player, but in a way where I will bob my head listening to it if it happens to broadcast somewhere. They are straight-up rapping right now, and I think it's awesome! What is wrong with me!
7:57: Ooh, impressively smooth segue into "I Gotta Feeling.". I might like this one simply because I can never hear it without picturing CBS's preview for fall 2009, which was full of purdy things like Three Rivers and Medium (and some stupid things like NCIS: LA, but we can't be perfect). Ah, nostalgia.
7:58: Haha, did not know this song had verses. Different!
8:08: Sorry, got distracted reading the Numb3rs recap for "Arm in Arms." Ahhhhh. Brain still broken from that episode, in case you were wondering. (Don't lie, I know you were.)
8:09: WHAT THE HELL, CUTE GIRL FROM BIG BANG THEORY. Get a better dress. One that allows you to wear a bra.
8:10: "Best Comedy Album"? Is that new? Why does this exist? Is it because you want to award Weird Al Yankovich? Apparently not, at least not this year. My feelings on Stephen Colbert can be reduced to "not as funny as Jay Leno; unless you agree, I will not acknowledge that he is funny at all."
8:11: On bright side, more chances to see his delightful daughter. Can she present next year? Maybe act in something? Her reactions to his cool/not cool queries have been some of the most entertaining parts of the night.
8:18: Record of the Year, stream of consciousness style -- Halo is dull, I could live with Black Eyed Peas, generic rock, I am pretty sure I disapprove of Lady G but at least she has one track I like, and normally I hate when the same people win countless times but that obviously does not apply to Taylor Swift, so --- WHAT THE WHAT. Are you kidding me? I'm cool with up to 80% of the choices, and you pick the only one that is boring as sin? I hate when you do this.
8:20: Opera what? Please tell me you're joking.
8:21: Jamie Foxx says "of course we're joking!" and then proceeds to remind me that there are, in fact, many styles of music that are much worse than opera. Time to grab dessert. Strawberry cheesecake sounds good...in non-fat yogurt form, that is.
8:26: LMAO. Is that Beiber next to Ke$ha? Why does he look like he was built on a different scale than her? Seriously, it's not just that he's shorter, it's like every part of his body is smaller than hers. Compare their heads if you don't believe me! Also, I actually like her dress, which is gold and tassel-y and seems surprisingly modest, considering that she is basically a drunken partying college girl minus the college, and I would expect her to look much trashier.
8:27: I should probably go rustle up my 3-D glasses [for the Michael Jackson tribute] already. I've never actually watched anything in 3-D, so this should be exciting.
8:32: No way, Katy Perry looks classy and covered up, too! It's not super pretty, since the gold flower pattern is over a desperately boring nude-colored gown, but unless she's missing the back, I like it on principle. Though am not sure about the decal hanging out on her forehead for no apparent reason.
8:33: Best Rock Album: not real invested this year, so Green Day works for me. Yeah, I think I definitely like this "21 Guns" song, in a way where if I had to listen to the radio, I wouldn't want to kill myself when it came on. I'm going to avoid looking up the lyrics just in case.
8:40: Suddenly, I'm finding movie previews during the commercials more exciting than the show? "Shutter Island" looks suitably terrifying,
8:46: Taylor Swift time! *squeals* "Today Was a Fairytale," to kick things off. I have a confession to make: despite her Midas touch, I haven't really gotten hooked on this song. It bores me? But that's how I initially felt about "Love Story" too, so I'm sure it'll come in time. Gimme like, a week. A month tops.
8:47: SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Stevie Nicks! Always willing to make me happy and duet with awesome young ladies. And, you know, Taylor's sheer enthusiasm is making me giddy by proxy - the last time I saw a performance this heartwarming was Kelly Clarkson and Reba. Yeah, later tonight I'll have to break out my Stevie Nicks CDs...but for the moment, I am just overwhelmed by the majesty and the pretty created by the two of them sharing a stage. Also they are singing "Rhiannon," which is MAGICAL.
8:49: Alas, Stevie singing "You Belong With Me," even in the background, is the most HYSTERIA-INDUCING NONSENSE EVER. lieueitak even warned me about this beforehand, and yet in the back of my mind, I was like "oh, but it won't really happen, because it's a totally insane idea, right?" Yeah, it did.
Sure, I have a minor bit of bias against this song, because the first time I ever heard it was when it was being butchered on the American Idol stage and I could never shake that association, but it's honestly -- when I rank the album in order of best to worst, YBWM clocks in at #12 or 13 of 13. I'm incapable of hating it, per se...I just, you know, think there are so many better choices. Particularly if you are having someone over the age of 20 sing with you. Never mind over 60.
And yes, Taylor is so flat that even I, the utterly pitch-deaf, can hear it's off. However, none of this detracts from my enjoyment at all! LEGENDARY.
8:53: Aw, time for the MJ tribute. I'm pretty neutral about his music - sorry! I grew up in a world where I was shocked the first time I learned he was black, and initially had no idea he was famous for being a singer, as opposed to some freak who was always in the news for being freaky - but I am pretty easy to manipulate, and every preview for "This Is It" has choked me up, so.
8:54: Glasses on, and singers on stage. I see Smokey Robinson is among them. Good, that means this year he won't be telling people to look at his face.
8:57: Oh my God, 3-D is so weird. Is it supposed to be vaguely colorless? And give me a headache? Because so far, wearing these glasses doesn't really seem worth it. I don't see the magic of making people and scenery look like paper cut-outs posed at slightly different depths in a diorama. Sorry, can't focus on the music (although it seems...fairly pretty), EYEBALLS HURT.
9:00: I approve of this Lifetime Achievement Award, though. I approve less of the children accepting it, because I am writhing of embarrassment as they struggle through their awkwardly rehearsed speeches. LOOKING STUPID: it doesn't have a minimum age threshold.
9:01: What the hell happened to Joe Jonas? I only caught a fleeting glimpse, but it is this confusing and terrifying mix of "homeless dude" and "serial killer on the prowl."
9:05: Oh hey, since I can now inflict all my CBS-show-lovin' enthusiasm on those of you who skip my normal TV commentary, let's flail about Survivor! I am so excited to see Coach again. I wish I was joking, but I am not. After four months of Grossell (that's "Gross Russell," to differentiate him from the other, much nicer Russell), I yearned and yearned for the days of Harmless Crazy, instead of Crazy Evil. Harmless Crazy tells wildly entertaining tales of being stalked in the Amazon by native pygmies who tied him up, beat him with clubs, and wanted to eat his ass.
9:09: Bon Jovi is love, and so is "Who Says You Can't Go Home." Why in the world do I not have that in my music library?? It's gorgeous. It's...also better without this country (?) lady yowling away on it.
9:14: And the winner is -- Livin' On A Prayer! Yay! I was actually gunning for "It's My Life," but I love this one too. Except I notice that woman's still singing along. Sigh.
9:17: Best Rap/Spoken Word Collaboration. It's one of those awards where there is no good choice, because I hate them all? I think I hate Timberlake slightly less, so of course it went to Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye West, who may be my three least favorite people ever. Not Jay-Z, for whom I have some grudging respect for reasons I cannot recall right now, but the other two... GROSS, WHAT THE HELL, HAS RIHANNA SHAVED THE SIDES OF HER HEAD? SHE TOTALLY HAS. WTF. Was the fake gold dye job on top not sufficiently skanky?
9:19: Mary J. Blige + Andrea Bocelli. I don't care if it is for Haiti, that sounds like a recipe for hell, so we're going on mute for a while. Dragon Court, here I come!
9:35ish? Awww, look, they just ran a "Broadcast Network of the Decade" boast in the commercials. I love you too, network! KEEP NUMB3RS
Also, OMGWTF! Just caught a CSI: NY preview, which apparently do not run most nights I watch TV, because when did Hawkes grow out his hair like that?? And will it finally be the key to making me find him interesting? Stay tuned this summer, when I finally get caught up and watch this season already.
9:41: Dave Matthews Band, which my first roommate in college was obsessed with, is somehow able to make me hate them solely by being boring, rather than offensive. Rare.
9:46: Lea Michele! Damn, she's skinny. Her pencil-shaped torso fascinates me. Was she always that skinny?
Best Female Vocal Performance: This category makes me sad every year, because I love SO MANY female singers and yet I inevitably hate just about everybody who's ever up for nominations. Taylor Swift is this year's remarkable exception to the rule, but even so.
*throws up hands* Of course it is Beyonce, this time for "Halo." Did you know that Lea Michele sang this song better? It's true. Hey, speaking of, I wonder if the cast from Glee can be nominated for anything next year? Or do covers/things written for TV not count? I'm just saying, I'd throw over most of my Taylor allegiance for Lea in a heartbeat.
9:48: Mm-kay, I'm seeing a whole lotta country and rap lookin' performances on the "coming up" screen, so...I am muting it again for a while and seeing if Stevie Nicks/Taylor Swift has hit YouTube yet, because that is magic I want to relive. I'm following it up with Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" from 2007, which will forever be my gold standard of live performances, and which I doubt anyone will ever match. (You'd think Pink could match it, but Shakira had performance and excellent music)
10:05ish? I love how there are like 20 big-name celebrities, many of which I even adore, in "Valentine's Day"...the previews crack me up every single time. And apparently the soundtrack features at least two of my all time fave singers. (Taylor Swift & Jewel) I might have to love this movie on principle, even though it seems a little like it was created just to see how many people they could sign up for it.
10:12: Gross, here comes the threatened rap performance. I imagine it could be worse only if Quentin Tarantino had announced them in a manner remnisicient of Robin Williams at his dorkiest comedy phase...wait, I didn't imagine that.
10:16: *glances over* Really, are guys still doing that thing with their pants on the ground? I know some old guy wrote a song about that phenomenon, but it's been a long time since I actually witnessed it.
10:24: Final award -- Album of the Year. Do I even care at this point? WHO KNOWS. Pretty sure I'm cheering for everyone at this point, since they've all earned it in their own way, and yet I will also be annoyed if anyone except Taylor wins. You know, just on principle.
And the winner is... *braces self, winces...and drops jaw*
What? YEAH! WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP! *twirls imaginary streamer in circles* Now THAT is an excellent way to end. Am I hallucinating this? She's so adorable! And cute! With her squealing, and just, just...she can't even breathe, I love her. She is imagining how she will tell this story over and over to her annoyed grandkids! MAN, I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS PURELY OVERJOYED BY AN AWARD WINNER IN AGES.
10:28: And now, to listen to every other song on Taylor's CD in order to wash "You Belong With Me" out of my head, because there was no reason for that to become a single, or popular at all.
Voice: Doesn't that clash with your plan to bust out the Stevie Nicks CDs?
RS: Nah, not really. Turns out that by the time I finished editing this post, I got through Taylor's CD twice, so technically, it is now Stevie's' turn. Ahhhh, Enchanted, you magical work of art you.