Also, sigh, that was quite a perfect storybook ending, so even though I think it still has legs, I'm prepared to accept that it's not getting renewed. That every year since 2006, CBS will dish up a new Monday comedy I find cute and charming but which won't quite make it a full year before getting canceled (except the year it dishes up a comedy I find stupid and irritating, in which case it will merrily survive for several seasons).
2. I had trouble following the early logic on Law & Order: SVU. See if you can help me put my finger on it:
-Girl is killed in her apartment, found undressed and in bed with signs of sexual activity
-SVU immediately picks up the polite and soft-spoken boyfriend and begins demanding to know why he did it. I will maybe let them have a pass on that, if it's just the first step in their investigation.
-As an aside: guys who are nice to their pet dogs only like them because they're easy to control (just like they wish women were)
-Upon finding two sets of DNA on the victim, immediate assumption is that she had a secret second boyfriend. Instead of, I don't know...BEING RAPED?
-Suspicion remains pinned on the boyfriend, who obviously must have been super pissed when he walked in on her cheating, so he killed her to teach her a lesson. His cooperative, clean-cut, vegan, yoga-teaching lifestyle with no criminal record makes him an ideal suspect.
Although I guess in the normal world, this investigation would have been a little simpler than "girl was working undercover at a meat-processing plant to film an exposé, got caught, and was killed to protect the company by the little old lady who owned the company after her worthless son couldn't work up the nerve; also, said worthless son and little old lady tried to frame one of the victim's coworkers for the fake rape, using semen provided by his wife after they sent her a typewritten letter pretending to be a woman he was cheating on her with, so that she would be angry enough to want him arrested."
I'm just going to focus on the part where we found out Warner has a fluffy Border Collie/Australian Shepherd-type dog of her own. Cute overload!
Lost, 6x13, "The Last Recruit"
BAM! I knew there was a reason this show is my #1 fandom at the moment. This hour delivered on about 527 separate fronts.
* I am not used to all these answers. We were 3 minutes in and Flocke was all, "Yeah, check it, Christian's ghost = me, peace out." I for one feel better knowing that. STOP PICKING AT IT, INTERNET.
* Professor Benry, riding with Locke in the ambulance, providing as many details as he can even though he hardly knows the guy! ♥
* Jack's hospital is the new Island of Mystery. Mark that down.
* More of the Miles/Ford Buddy Cop Hour! With bonus Sawyer/Kate banter and snarking.
* Pity that Hot Assassin Sayid was much more competent than this one, who got himself outsmarted by a taut garden hose. I guess it's all in the hair.
* I haven't really thought about it before, but as soon as Jack and Claire had their little face-to-face meeting as acknowledged half siblings in the jungle, my need for Jack to be a doting and protective big-brother type specifically to her increased 10,000 fold. I want hugs. I want Jack to wrap his head around the fact that he's related to Aaron. I want Claire to de-crazy ASAP so we can actually have some fun with this dynamic, or I shall be forced to wander off in AU worlds where they grew up knowing about each other. Also: for all Christian's many faults, genetics were not one of them. Jack & Claire are both mighty fine-looking people, aren't they?
* I keep forgetting Jack has those nasty tattoos on his arms. I think I mentally block them out in favor of focusing on the new streaks of distinguishing gray in his hair. It's very dashing. I'm, um, going to be off in fantasy daydream land for a while now.
* Oh, and then because I wasn't in love with him enough this episode, daddy!Jack makes another appearance with David; life is amazing.
* Kate and Sawyer have marvelous sparkly WHOLLY FRIENDSHIP chemistry, don't they? I just love watching them tag-team. I specifically just love Sawyer biding his time and then hotly swinging back into Head of Security (or this time, Renegade Escapee) mode, laying out plans and whipping everybody into place. I especially love his determination to leave behind the two people beyond saving, unpredictable variables that jeopardize his other determination to get as many fellow Lostaways out as possible.
* "Sayid's a zombie and Claire's nuts. She gave up her ticket when she tried to kill Kate. And I ain't gonna let that happen again."
* I also like the part where he keeps Kate on a need-to-know basis. I approve.
* Jack and Sawyer have chemistry that's less sparkly than just powerful and intense, but equally great. Or did, until they went from an uneasy alliance into head-butting and Jack taking the water route o' stupidity. ARGH. Boys, boys! You're both pretty! Why is it so difficult to keep you on the same team? I know I once said that Widmore was evil incarnate and he should never be trusted, but whatever, I hate Locke more, and seeing Jack subscribe to his old man-of-faith ways pains me.
* Zoe the Geologist has gone all badass and hardcore. Love it!
* Also loving Ilana, taking quite a departure from her low-profile, world-traveling candidate-protector gig to be a lawyer. I like this world better, the likelihood of her being exploded by dynamite seems lower.
* Desmond Hume, Pimp Daddy Extraordinaire continues to be one of the many top-tier things about the sideways world. I'm uh, pretty sure I have a sideways shipping thing going on for them now, 8-months-pregnant belly and all, Penny and Charlie be damned. HE'S VERY CHARMING, OKAY. And she is so insanely pretty when not caked with dirt and with clean, combed hair. We could roll with this slightly tweaked Back-Up Plan scenario!
* Which reminds me, on the island, I am going to presume that he's not dead, much like Penny wound up not dead after Ben's Mysterious Errand. What I'm really impressed by is the fact that he seemed to inject human emotions back into Sayid with the power of his calming voice alone. Good man. "This woman - when she asks what you did to be with her again - what will you tell her?"
* Nevertheless, a bloody fall and several hours of sitting in a few inches of cold water appears to shaken some of the zen out of Desmond, which is also welcome. Desmond gets beaten up a lot on this show; it works for me.
* Ugh, of course Claire showed up at the boat, causing division and strife. It's like a Survivor swing voter; trusting them is a bad idea but not working with them is guaranteed to screw you over. Which means Kate was right to coax her on board, and Sawyer was right to roll his eyes and be ticked off about it.
* Jin/Sun squee! I'd forgotten what that feels like. I'm a sucker for happy hospital endings, though.
* Plus, on the beach, I was 100% positive that one or both of them was going to get zapped by the fence, sure that it would take a minute or so to shut off completely. I'm relieved they didn't, and that was sweet too, but I'm still lukewarm overall. Maybe in 2012 I will feel things?
* AUGHHHH YOU CAN'T STOP THERE, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Why the sudden change of heart, Widmore? Why are they the enemy with guns pointed at them, exactly?
* Anything else that happened was probably amazing too. And nobody died! This is my new favorite hour of the season. What do you mean, next week is a bye?! I'm too spoiled for that nonsense!
Glee, 1x15, "The Power of Madonna"
Well, that was mediocre. I figured it would be, given all the hype/post-episode squee/its general subject matter, but I was still hoping they'd prove me wrong. They didn't.
I am going to try and bite my tongue to make this as minimally negative as possible, while making sure you still understand what I had issues with.
How can I put this...ahem. *clears throat*
-I HATE MADONNA. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED MADONNA. MADONNA IS DOWN IN THE GUTTER WITH LADY GAGA, WHICH SHOULD TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
Having to listen to a whole hour of people drooling on themselves over how amazing and inspiring she is made amputating my ears with a dull knife, while eagles pecked out my liver, seem appealing. She's tacky, tasteless, appears to have been born without a shame gland, and I promised I was going to be minimally negative, didn't I.
-Some, emphasis some, of her music is catchy, especially music I didn't know was hers, such as "Like A Prayer" and "Vogue" (heck, I didn't even recognize the title, or realize that was the word in the song - but the music was immediately familiar). Bolded for emphasis: It is not catchy enough to buy, or to monetarily support her in any way. I wish you wouldn't do it.
I wrestled with how to organize the rest of my thoughts this week, almost preserved my running commentary, decided against it, removed a lot of swearing and complaining, put some back in, took 519 breaks in an attempt to keep my blood pressure stable, failed, and finally just split it into likes/dislikes/music. Then I randomly threw in some screenshots anywhere I felt my anger starting to spiral out of control. You'll see.
Things I Liked
* I had a brief, weird moment of respecting Puck this week for being the only voice of reason in existence, calmly stating that he doesn't think Madonna's music translates to show choir. THANK YOU.
* The girl talk while Mr. Schuester is, like, 5 feet away and totally eavesdropping: HAHAHAHA! I don't even know what to do with this part. Should I be subversive and pretend that he is totally, irrationally jealous of some punk high school kid putting his hands on her? Should I rationalize it as him being in Overly Involved But Caring Teacher Mode, and delight in his concern about young girls being taken advantage of? (yes) Or should I just find it hilarious that's he's intently listening in on their gossip and then following up on their "boy trouble"? Personally, I don't understand why the girls themselves are still chattering away even though he's very clearly within earshot...
Wait, yes I do. One time in my physics class, a bunch of girls were not-very-quietly talking about their dresses for Homecoming, and how one was going to duct-tape her boobs to make them look smaller, which set everyone off in discussions about who was jealous of whose rack, until our teacher cleared his throat and went, "Girls, please realize I can hear everything you're saying..."
* '"You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy." Wait, was that Quinn talking to him? No fair! I want resolution on the pregnancy storyline! You can't just jump back into cute sassing without acknowledging that! *stamps foot*
* God, I hope the story of Sue's permanently damaged hair is true, because my vindictive pleasure in her pain and possible jealousy knows no bounds. I want Mr. Schue to devote at least ten minutes a day to writing new insults about her ragged 'do, because that was the most satisfying thing I've seen since she got fired. Oh, snap!
* Emma retained her virginity, which I appreciate, because after she used goddamn Madonna as her justification for propositioning Will in the stairwell, I a) refer you to my large opening-statement font, b) wanted feminism to blow up in a violent fireball, and c) wanted to throw her down the steps. Meanwhile, Will continues to wander through that territory where he says perfect things ("Stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything."), if not for the fact that I don't quite believe him because he was insensitive (or at least tactless) first.
[Interjection -- I theoretically support this unsavory business happening between them eventually; I feel like I have to say that just to clarify that he's worth it, but you'd think it'd be obvious that they should wait until he's divorced. Ideally after they've been dating long enough for things to progress to acknowledged love. Real love, not the kind everybody on this show falls in every other week.]
Blood pressure reset:
* Rachel retained her virginity, which I appreciate even more, because I was about to say, "Just once, I would like to see a guy tell a girl he's willing to wait, and have it lead to him actually WAITING, instead of her getting so twitterpated by his swoon-worthy sensitive side that she's immediately ready, right here right now." (Rachel: I'm ready. // Me: SEE?)
Other things I was about to say: yes, she does deserve epic romance, but I've seen this story before. Secret Life of the American Teenager, right? Adrian tries to seduce her new stepbrother, because she's basically Santana, but he's all 'whoa, haven't you ever been courted?' and proceeds to treat her like a princess. She loves the courting so much that she even starts wearing cardigans, until two dates later he's like 'Hey, that was fun. I now invoke the the third date rule, sexy times, y/y?'
* "I didn't feel anything. Because it didn't mean anything." Wait, is that the sound of Finn making a serious play for the position of #1 ideal guy on the show? Impossible! He's a moron and his hair is average at best. Do not make me want him to be Rachel's first!
* "Mr. Schue, is he your son?" HAHAHA! I TOLD YOU JESSE LOOKED LIKE HIM. Schwing!
* ARTIE/TINA! "I would get down on one knee if I could." // "Why would you propose to me, you don't even like me." // "That's where you're wrong..." Let's play with context and pretend this was related more to him accidentally saying something insensitive, instead of whatever stupid thing I've blocked from memory, because it is adorable. Complete with hand-holding and kisses and awww, puppy love ship, I missed you!.
Abbreviated and NOT All-Inclusive List of Dislikes
* Remember episode 2, which was so sexualized and gross that I threw this fandom out the window halfway through and swore I wasn't coming back? Rachel & Jesse making out on her bed took me right back there.
* Once upon a time, I fast-forwarded at least half this show to retain my sanity. My tolerance has increased to the point where I now watch most of it, but there was no way in hell I was exposing myself to "Like a Virgin." As soon as I figured out what was going on, I skipped right on by and looked stuff up later. The few glimpses I've caught since have scarred me deeply.
* Finn slept with Santana. Fine. Just know that I need him to go through an extensive battery of STD tests before he touches anyone else, and also, it would be sort of hilarious if they borrowed from Grey's Anatomy and he wound up with syphillis as transferred by Puck. It would be a whole new reason to punch the crap out of him! Come on, by virtue of sleeping with all the moms in town, Puck has significantly increased the risk pool of acquiring various infections, and adding that mix to Santana is just begging for an epidemic. Please?
* Why does Jesse have to be all wrapped up in slimeball sleaze? I want to sit back and appreciate how cute they look sitting together when he smiles at her! Was there a time when I was merely ambivalent about his face? Because those days are looooooong gone.
Blood pressure reset:
* "Guys! It's come to my attention that some of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic." Oh, Mr. Schue, do you have to load ammo right into the guns of people who hate you?
* Will filed for divorce. Ryan Murphy is a hope-dashing jerk. This thing is happening and I can't stop it. I didn't even get to see Terri this week. WOE.
Blood pressure reset:
* As proof that Kurt & Mercedes are my new least favorites, instead of taking their own teacher's side when he finally got one over on that rampaging monster, they FEEL SORRY FOR said monster and let her star in their Madonna video. Just...go die, ok?
* Whatever the guys sang at the end was an awful waste of time; I hated listening more than Puck hated singing it. And yet, there is so much potential in their combined vocals! Just once, can the guys have a song to themselves that isn't terrible?
-Cheerleaders on stilts, fun!
-"And I feel...like I just got home, and I feel..." Hey, I recognize that from some commercial! That's Madonna?
-If I didn't mention a song, it's because I've never heard it before, and I probably skipped right on past it. I skipped a lot this week.
-Vogue was surprisingly fun, but that didn't sound like Jane Lynch. I've never understood what the supposed problem with "AutoTune" is because I don't hear anything wrong or off or different about their voices at all, but when you don't even recognize the singer's voice, I suspect that's when AutoTune has been overused.
-"4 Minutes" is a song I legitimately like even though I'm ashamed to say so, but I didn't like it with Kurt's voice - and for once, Kurt wasn't bad, it's just this is one time where I specifically think Corey Monteith would have sounded amazing. Mercedes, on the other hand, finally put her voice to good use, which just made me sad that this show can't ever randomly mix up the duets Let's have Rachel/Artie pair off! How about Matt and Quinn randomly taking the spotlight? I'm just saying, Finn + Mercedes would have been ideal.
--On a related note, the "don't be a pri (hey!) ma - donna" part loses some of its luster when you don't actually have Madonna singing.
--On another note, how can this show afford a marching band and an orchestra if they can't fund a glee club? INSTRUMENTS: THEY'RE PRICEY. Also, why was there a pep band in the stands if they have a marching band? Traditionally sports teams only get one or the other. Inquiring minds want to know. Or was this a special for-hire marching band paid for with Cheerios funds?
Blood pressure reset:
--And I don't know why Mr. Schue seems so offended that they joined the Cheerios. Half his club is already splitting time between music and sports, and music was their second loyalty. Has he forgotten that?
--However, the routine was A+ and this version of the song is growing on me by the hour.
-Like A Prayer was AMAZING, from Rachel's beautiful opening solo to the fantastic choreography (even Kurt's solo rocked my world!) to their cute little Target employee attire. I love when the group is together like this, all coordinated and full of camaraderie; even Jesse is adorable and fits right in! Then they brought in a gospel choir and it immediately became the worst thing ever. I hate gospel choirs almost as much as Madonna.
Blood pressure reset:
(Ooh, look at that, I appear to have tricked you into looking at a picture from Numb3rs! My, my.)
Please suck less next week; surely April can outweigh Kurt? Meanwhile, I've got to go replenish my daydream cache, because right now I can't think of any improbable and unrealistic things I secretly want to see, I just want lots more of Jesse and Rachel hanging out. Preferably in ways that don't encourage my imagination about the plot of "Spring Awakening" because GROSS, BRAIN BLEACH, BRAIN BLEACH FOREVER.
The Office, "Secretary's Day"
This episode was such an excruciating waste of time that I skipped about half of it and have no plans to rectify that. I'm beginning to think they should make this a half-year show, because it's always so great in the fall, then midwinter it stumbles and by spring it's just falling apart.
I think I might have missed some Ryan/Kelly stuff, and among other things I only caught part of Pam's cute TH about maternity leave, but whatever, not going back.
-One worthwhile thing happened in this episode: AWWWWWWW, Jim/Pam! Nothing gets to me like when some offhand comment drives them to express their affection in a public manner, so her coming over to drop a quick kiss on the cheek = *squeal* My contact high from "The Delivery" was just beginning to wear off, and that picked it right back up.
-Plus, Toby helping Pam get paid time off? :D
-Angela's enormous grin and "this is my favorite day!" made me squeal with happiness. It's my favorite day too, Angela! Not only are people mocking Kevin, but you're taking unholy joy in it and don't care who knows!
-ERIN. *RAGE BLACKOUT* That is all.
-*raises hand* I know something else Andy could confess to Erin! Remember when he punched a hole through drywall and got packed off to anger management classes? That's something I would worry about more than a former engagement.
-However, and if you bring this up later I will deny it, I accidentally convinced myself that Andy's actions were charming? I want to be very clear that I do not find ANDY charming, I'm just saying, it's sweet how he adores her even though she's the most annoying creature on the planet. Erin should have gotten over her outrage as soon as she found out about the hate/lie-filled nature of that engagement. He did everything right while she barely let him touch her - it's not like he abandoned her by a fountain in New York, or canceled their wedding a week beforehand because he kissed some other woman.
-To my very great relief, Angela was on the scene ready to make sure Erin understands that the memory of their past makes her want to throw up. Which is exactly the right reaction to have concerning all things Andy/Angela. Or Andy in general.
-Gabe continues to be adorable, wielding authority approximately as convincing as a dog wearing a tie. Look, he thinks he's people!
-By the way, Kevin, you suck. Gabe is better than you. *glares at office at large* Gabe is better than most of you.