I. Preview - Creative Arts Emmys Not Otherwise Addressed:
-CSI nabbed Outstanding Cinematography for "Family Affair." That one got Visual Effects, too.
-Glee won sound mixing (yay!) for...The Power of Madonna. Gross.
-Another Mia Michaels choreography award. :)
-"Suicide is Painless" took home Outstanding Makeup for Grey's Anatomy. *nods* Agreed.
-Did not know there was an award for commercials, but The Man Your Man Could Smell Like definitely deserves to win everything ever.
-Reality Host: Jeff Probst, 3-timing it up!
[Edit: There is some measure of irony involved in the fact that the creative Emmys made me 1200 times happier than the televised ones. Or proof that something's wrong with the system, either/or]
II. Red Carpet Observations
-Wait, Claire Danes? Are you...the same Claire Danes who was in Shopgirl and Temple Grandin? I don't even recognize her. What is going on there? Is it just her washed-out hair making her look so weird, or is there some plastic surgery going on here? I love how her dress is like a walking diamond mine, but I'm too mesmerized by her face to care.
-Kim Kardashian's white Grecian dress is stunning.
-I like Christina Hendricks' in feathery lavender, and while it pains me to admit this, Jane Lynch looks good in deep purple.
-Tina Fey, "satin with a bead overlay." And dangly beaded earrings. Oh how I love beaded things.
-JEWEL. Oh my word, speaking of beaded things, I'm not sure about the midriff bow but otherwise this pink number is the most enchanting thing I have seen yet, pale and partly sheer, partly lacey, partly beaded...
-Haha, Joel McHale. "Yeah, we got Betty White. Take that, Glee."
-MATTHEW MORRISON! ...wow, his hair has an insane amount of gel in it. What I like about Glee is that for all the insults, Mr. Schue's hair doesn't ever actually appear to have any product in it. This, though, this just looks greasy and/or like it would be rock hard and gross. Okay, the whole appeal of curly hair is that it's soft and touchable. You're doing it wrong.
"Ever get a slushie in the face?"
"No. Who HAS? I don't know who came up with that." --THANK YOU.
+ Awwww, high school alma mater time! This is my favorite interview ever.
-I love Wanda Sykes with her purchased dress and her riffing on the rich people with their freebies. "Support the economy, go out and buy stuff!"
-Lea Michele looks wrong with bangs, and I am not loving her boring dress with the weirdly spiky top. However, I admire the huge and sparkly choker necklace, and her appearance does not actually matter because she's so completely adorable at all times. Although she does have a tendency to babble, apparently. Stop talking. Stop talking now.
-Just in case I didn't hate Moden Family enough, the entire cast is joking about running naked down Sunset Boulveard. Because that's fun. *eye roll* Idiots. Morrison talks to high school students!
III. Here We Go!
7:00 PM: ADORABLE GLEE OPENING. (insert "This is already the greatest Emmys ever" flailingt) HAHAH, JON HAMM**! BETTY WHITE THE ADORABLE DANCE COACH!
**Apparently I'm a fan of his now. I have only ever actually seen him in 30 Rock and still photos from Mad Men, but I am gradually succumbing to his classical attractiveness.
[Translation: Words, I do not have them. This is the greatest sketch since the Handsome Men's Club.]
7:07: "Asking the host of Late Night to come to L.A. to host a different show. What could possibly go wrong?"
7:10?: Supporting Actor in Comedy: Note to self, prepare for rage...preparing for rage...WHAT THE FRIGGIN' HELL! *was not sufficiently prepared for rage* Oh my God, how is it that you awarded the only one in that group I completely hate? If you had to award Modern Family, at least I legit love Jesse Tyler Ferguson as a comedic actor of gold. NOT THIS WEIRDO. Jon Cryer was less of an insult than this. Way less. I am of course mostly peeved that NPH once again didn't win this, even though I know he already won the guest actor Emmy.
Ugh. I'm gonna pretend Jesse is crying because he didn't win. That's why I'm crying.
Writing for a Comedy Series: Screw you, Modern Family. It figures that the year I finally decide to shed some 30 Rock animosity (the season finale really turned my life around), my new nemesis takes over. WHY ISN'T GLEE DOMINATING EVERYTHING YET. [edit: I will regret saying that in about 2 minutes.]
Supporting Actress: Prepare for more rage...prepare for more rage...Holland Taylor's my lone hope and 4 out of 6 are guaranteed to inspire rage...ah, there it is (Jane Lynch). The only reason I'm not yelling in capital letters is at least it means a win for Glee over MF, and at least she didn't get the guest-starring one.
Wow, she just does not stop talking. Shut it, Jane. Nobody in this room likes you.
Voice: It's true. Not even me.
Guest Actress: Betty White! I know I was angling for adorable cowgirl-outfitted Kristin Chenoweth, but as long as it's not Lynch I'm ecstatic. And to be honest, I skimmed right over her name on the list in July and didn't even realize she was a nominee, so I'm super happy about this one.
Guest Actor: Neil Patrick Harris. No, for real. ECSTASY OF A LIFETIME!! Pieces of heaven are actually raining down on me as we speak. I don't know what makes me happiest: the fact that he won, the fact that he won for an awesome part, the fact that it's a tally for Glee, or the fact that it's a tally for Glee without going to Mike O'Malley like the whole stupid internet wanted. I like Kurt's dad a lot, but he's not nearly as fun as Bryan Ryan.
7:32: Directing: GLEE! *makes third check-off on list of expectations* A well-deserved win indeed. Modern Family rage dissipating (but by no means gone).
7:33: Oh, oh, he dedicated it to teachers! Suddenly Ryan Murphy is not nearly as horrible a person as the existence of Nip/Tuck led me to believe. I like the blue tux, too.
7:35: I'm not gonna lie, I personally would enjoy Modern Family more if Cam and Mitchell were sloppy, sports-watching, female-sexually-harassing frat boys. That's probably why, as much as I disdain it, I think Two and a Half Men is a better comedy than this one. Although, who I am I kidding, Modern Family could be fixed in a nanosecond by dropping both of the non-traditional families. And preferably by recasting both parents. Wait, never mind, there is no way to fix this piece of dreck. WOW, thanks for finally letting me get that year's worth of tightly-pent-up disgust and loathing out in the open. I feel a little better. It's been festering.
7:37: Lead Actor: Fine. I accept the fact that my favorite man on television didn't win. The fact that one of my guys even got nominated in a televised category already broke some kind of law in physics. So even though Mr. Schue > Sheldon Cooper, times a billion, I will let Parsons have one for CBS because he's the (distantly) 2nd-best choice. *pause* AND ALEC BALDWIN FINALLY STOPPED WINNING! Oh my God, 7:30 is the hour of miracles.
7:44: Lead Actress: ...Nurse Jackie? Really? Gross. We were on such a nice hot streak of network trumping cable. Come on, EVEN SHE DOESN'T THINK SHE'S FUNNY. Of course I wanted my adorable doll Lea Michele, but I would have happily settled for Julia's last shot as Old Christine, and at this point would actually have been proud of Tina winning again (told you! that finale did things. to my brain chemistry).
7:46: OK, I kind of love this aisle-singing thing happening to announce the transition into each new section of awards. I also love the "season in review" montages they're showing. Let me put it this way: this year's Emmys are not only the best I've ever seen, they're the kind of performance that make me wish I still had a VCR so that I could have preserved this on tape forever.
7:50: Top Chef wins for something; wasn't paying attention. I'll assume it was Outstanding Reality, which, come on! This was the season I finally actually watched The Amazing Race! I've never seen TC because cooking shows are a bigger waste of time than sports.
7:56: Best accountant intro ever. "Their shattered dreams are our gain."
7:57: The Year in Drama ("drama" here defined as "shows with guns," apparently). Aaaaaaand I'm really glad I caught up on all my shows in the nick of time, hi finale spoilers! Let me just react to things at the speed of light.
-Everybody, THAT is why I love Grey's Anatomy so much right now.
-Ahhh, actual clips from the CSIs!
-And that terrible "every time RS tunes into Criminal Minds, an important woman dies" episode.
-Gut feeling: I think I might be fond of Don Draper?
-Epic House finale.
-Yeah, just gonna plug my ears for the Friday Night Lights clip (fear of spoilers) and the True Blood one (utter disgust)
-AUUUUUUGH, LOST. *weeps over Jack all over again*
-"The most special victim of all - the 10 PM timeslot on NBC." Silly announcer. The news comes on 10. (Sorry, East Coast, but your TV hours are straight-up crazy)
8:00 PM: Ahahaha, the Lost statue originally had 6 toes, and they were told that was too weird. "So we made it 4 toes**. Boo-yah."
**AND NEVER EXPLAINED WHY.
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series: Friggin' Mad Men. Still not in a mood to condone you for writing awards. Lost needs recognition.
8:03: Supporting Actor in a Drama: Kid from Breaking Bad. I wasn't invested beyond wanting Emerson to get one for Lost or wanting to reward Andre for his work on House through a different vehicle, but I feel that Breaking Bad is a bad enough show to warrant punishment and hateful feelings.
8:08: Ooh, Emily Deschanel! Love the purple ruffles, not loving the asymmetrical shoulder strap or the dark hair or the truly terrible bangs. Dear Hollywood: STOP CUTTING BANGS INTO YOUR HAIRSTYLES. Better bangs than an overall haircut, I guess.
Supporting Actress: Figures. This is like the one place where I'm actually cool with a Mad Men win, and this irrelevant lady from The Good Wife takes it.
8:12: Lead Actor: Okay, this is the category where I specifically love half - Fox, Chandler, Laurie - and felt "spoiled for quality," and my only plea was that it not be Michael C. Hall, so --
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING HELL, EMMYS. Bryan Cranston already won for for this goddamn show -- haha, wow, that rage just kinda came out of nowhere. So much for me being polite about the less-favorable notion of him winning! At least he has hair and no creepy mustache now, so I'm going to pretend it's the year 2005 and an hour earlier and he just won for Malcolm in the Middle.
8:15: Commercial interlude - unlike the repulsive Modern Family crew, THE CAST OF COMMUNITY IS SO FLIPPIN' ADORABLE. Everybody is love. This might actually rival the opening sketch for the most wonderful bit of the night.
8:19: Guest Actress in a Drama Series: What the everloving hell. Fuck you for robbing Elizabeth Mitchell.
Guest Actor: Eh, I can't complain about John Lithgow. Figures the one time my pick wins, it's a pick I was 99% neutral about.
8:22: Dexter wins directing for a drama series. For the love of...I can't believe Lost is getting completely shut out. It's only funny when you do that to Battlestar Galactica.
8:23: Highlight #1532 Of The 62nd Emmys: the musical tribute to 3 shows we lost this year (none of which were Numb3rs, even though that was the most tragic story of all) was amazing - particularly the one for Lost set to "Time of Your Life."
The island, it was mystical
But in the end they died
I didn't understand it but I tried
LULZY. I'm looking up the full lyrics ASAP and then I'm going to wander around singing it everywhere I go.
8:25: On another note, I'm still in rote shock that Law & Order is really gone.
8:31: *perks up* Tina Fey + Matthew Morrison is quite possibly the most appealing pair of announcers I've seen tonight. If she could, like, reprise her Mean Girls role and turn up on Glee? That'd be fun.
Outstanding Lead Actress: In which I love everybody! I wish every category was like this, where instead of dreading how much the winner will make me throw up, I could experience the actual thrill of wondering who will win. This year: Kyra Sedgewick. That's a fun upset.
ALSO LULZY: "Tina, will you hold my Emmy?" / "At least I get to hold one tonight." Officially exploding in Tina Fey love, right now.
8:45: We're somewhere in the variety section now. By the way, if I stop paying attention, it's because I'm busy watching the best episode of the Cold Case season yet. Did I not mention that? Yeah, earlier this week I decided I'd finish off CC after all, and I'm currently on episode 14 of 22.
8:52: Uh, where was I when an elephant was lifting Conan O'Brien by its tusks?
8:54: Jon Stewart has to be the least funny person I have ever seen.
8:59: George Clooney is a class act. Honestly, I just marvel at him, and wonder if this is what it's like for people who respect famous actors from movies before 1970. Also, I may or may not be going to a Doug/Carol place right now. It's called the Humanitarian Award! It takes no effort at all to pretend this is given out for medical service.
9:04: I've...never heard of most of these movies/miniseries, although I always thought Temple Grandin looked interesting. Though I'm not sure whether the inclusion of cows is enough to make up for the fact that people are merely attempting to improve the methods of, not actually stop, the slaughter of said cows.
9:05: And awww, Cranford always makes me think of Pam on The Office. That's another series in my "maybe someday" queue, hanging out with Mercy and all the shows from the WB circa 1997-2006.
9:06: JOHN KRASINSKI. *leaps up to pay rapt attention* Why doesn't he get to say things? :(
9:11:Yeah, I am just going to squeal a lot every time I see the Community cast together in that car. My heart is dangerously near to exploding with love.
9:14: Wait, Hamlet is eligible for this nonsense? How is Hamlet eligible for this? [Patrick Stewart's Supporting Actor nom] If Hamlet is eligible for this, where is David Tennant's nomination, 'cause I'm pretty sure he was the most amazing part of that.
9:15: I do love all the Temple Grandin love, though. Especially having the woman herself in the audience, aw!
9:17: Highlight #23532: JEWEL. God, she has a beautiful voice. This is why she's my favorite. And this song (Shape of You) is beautiful too, especially with just her voice and a guitar, though I'm trying not to love it too much since apparently it's not recorded anywhere. Oh, and there's a tribute happening on screen. I will miss Rue McClanahan. And Brittany Murphy - I wasn't a huge fan, but she had a talent for picking great roles in great things.
9:28: Claire Danes for "Temple Grandin." It's kind of a pity I don't care at all about the movie category, because this is where I love, or at least don't have specific hatred for, almost every nominee. And the real Temple Grandin appears to be the sweetest thing ever, which is fun.
9:34: By contrast, the True Blood trio are three of the creepiest people ever. Skarsgaard's face in particular terrifies me, but Moyer has a fundamentally disturbing air about him, and any appreciation I might have had for Anna Paquin fizzled away by the time she was done interviewing about how awesome it is to be naked and not at all weird or embarrassing to film sex scenes. Yes, I do enjoy using the Emmys to air my long-festering grudges.
9:40: I think I've heard all I need to hear about Jack Kevorkian tonight.
9:48: And Temple Grandin wins something else! Much better.
9:50: Best Drama Series: Come on. I'm asking you nicely for Lost or Good Wife. Or...Mad Men. Fine. Win again, see if I care. (I really don't. As long as it's not Breaking Bad or Dexter or, and thank you God, True Blood, I am just fine.)
9:56: Best Comedy: It's gonna be Modern Family and I'ma -- "And the Emmy goes to Modern Family!"
...punch. Somebody. WHY? I know I said that all I wanted was for somebody to break 30 Rock's streak, but now I feel like if this win ever happens again, my feud with 30 Rock will be a quaint, nostalgic memory of happier times.
9:57: And with that, I am done. To recap: the Emmys were totally awesome at all times, except when awards for drama/comedy categories were handed out.