We suffered through "Paranormal Activity" last night because of its super scary reputation. To which I say: HAHAHAHAHA, are you kidding me? We spent the entire movie waiting for things to happen and mocking the lack of action just to stay awake. "Wow, this pacing is excellent." "This is ALMOST as exciting as The Village." "Oh my God, a door moved." "Oh no, the opening to the attic shifted." ("Eh. Maybe they just have some very resourceful raccoons.") "Ooooh, the sheets slithered off the bed. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight." It is just the worst, least frightening film ever shelved in the horror section. The very last minute made me go, "Oh. That's mildly interesting," and that was the best part.
On that note, please recommend me actually-scary films? All I want is something chillingly spooky, preferably without a lot of gory blood (no worse than the level found in Harper's Island), and no zombies. Why is that so impossible to find lately? [Edit: like, say, "The Haunting in Connecticut"? Holy crap, scary movie win.]
The Office, 7x07, "The Christening" (yes. I'm super behind, again.)
Whoa, hey, whoa there, Office Tally raters and your 5.58/10, this was not one of the worst episodes of all time. It was not even the worst of the season so far. Did you not read the title? Did you not see the baby?
...of course, it's kind of hard to defend it with various awful subplots that involve Michael and Andy running off on a bus trip (ugh, just let them GO) or Jim loudly and publicly accusing Angela of baby theft. I can't believe I even typed the last part of that sentence. Honestly, I don't even really want to think of this episode as a whole, I just want to remember some small, specific parts of it. I am, after all, immeasurably grateful for including us in as many baby-centric moments as possible.
+ I still find it really hot when Michael starts to get inappropriate
Voice: Wouldn't it be embarrassing if someone cut you off before you finished that sentence?
RS: -- about something relating to Pam's personal life, and Jim just shuts it down with, and this goes for you too Voice, "Stop."
+ So Pam really is doing office-manager type things now instead of sales, huh? All things considered, TPTB, I may not like the way you went about it but I guess this as close to amends as you're ever going to make. I accept your offer and forgive you 90% of the way. I withhold the remaining 10% for the day you get rid of Erin.
+ I love how Jim looks to the camera for approval after
+ Does the church christening make up for the lack of a proper non-destination church wedding? You know, I believe it does. The fact that they specifically did not invite anyone from work to this is what really seals the deal.
+ I'm really glad I'm not one of those people who can tell babies apart, or the lack of continuity would have bothered me.
+ Jim was absolutely precious in every scene with Cecelia.
+ Pam's use of "Honey, no!" ("Yes. This is happening.") validated a lot of things for me.
+ Angela gushing over and cooing at the baby is the most wonderful thing I've ever seen.
+ So the godparents are...people they've known like six months, as opposed to old friends or relatives? That makes sense. (How did they even ask them without coming off like stalkers?)
+ I love Pam for forcing Michael to solemnly swear that he is not CeCe's godfather.
+ Aw, TOBY.
+ I will say this, the obnoxious enthusiasm of the youth group reminded me why I was such a fierce atheist as long as I was actually enrolled in religious ed, and realize that though I defend, respect and admire Christianity now, I would turn right back into a spitting hellcat if I had to attend or be part of a church community on a regular basis.
+ There is a deleted scene in which Michael has to be repeatedly kicked out of and denied a family photo op. The point being, time with Jim & Pam's family got cut so that we could watch more of Michael and Andy running off to Mexico. SOMETIMES, WHICH IS TO SAY OFTEN, I HATE YOUR PRIORITIES.
Glee, 2x06, "Never Been Kissed"
Season 1? Is - is that you?
I'm so happy with this one I could just about cry, and will even forgive it for abusing my favorite movie's title. Of course it wasn't perfect or anywhere near it; nothing is ever perfect when the focus is ostensibly on Kurt, but it was finally like season 1 - that familiar balance of love and hate, instead of 98% contempt. The songs were boring, but they were JUST boring - they didn't make me want to cut anybody* or feel like I needed to rip off my ears. (*Other than the Warblers song; stop adding royalties to the undeserving coffers of disgusting singers, Glee.)
There will still be a considerable amount of vitriol and I will express the opposite of sympathy toward victims of bullying in this post. Proceed with caution.
Other Notes on Music
-Artie's voice was put to such spectacular use in this episode, it's a pity I still didn't like any of it. And it makes no sense that dreadful duet raked in cash, while the beautiful and adorable "Empire State of Mind" performance got completely ignored.
-I was not especially moved by either mashup, but that's what I said about last year's mashups too, and now they're both on my MP3 player in fairly regular rotation. Of the two this year, I thought the girls song had much more potential, though it would have been better if they'd done "Livin' On a Prayer" alone. The performance was gross**, but Rachel's voice gave me chills. And it was certainly was much better than the last Bon Jovi song that was put in a mashup.
**However, I might have extrapolated things from a moment in which Rachel writhed her way over to a band member, and we cut to Will with an expression I feel free to describe as impressed/pleasantly surprised. See?
-Um, those opening scenes and anything else relating to the utterance of "Bieste." WHY DID WE HAVE TO SEE IT, this is why I hate shows with teenagers. Keep your romances clean and puppy-love-ish on my screen and your horny little impulse control issues the hell out of my sight.
-Santana: Can I just say, this is what happens when people don't put out.
RS: I will scratch her eyes out. So help me I will.
-With the return of the mohawk, Puck is back to being a repulsive and loathsome creature. =/ I was just watching Funk the other day and reveling in how surprisingly awesome it's gotten since the original airdate, too.
The TERRIBLE, AWFUL, NO-GOOD, VERY Bad
Just -- explain to me, why can't anyone in fiction ever harbor specific, blinding hatred for an obviously irritating character without secretly being attracted to the object of said hate? Why is that? It's just not true in real life. Grey's Anatomy has being doing this to me for years, but now you're joining in? For the love of everything cruel, Glee, Karofsky is my buddy. I like(d) him.
I was taking especially perverse pleasure in Kurt's pain this week, giddily planning to make The Fury a regular part of my reviews and envisioning blossoming bruises because I am THAT fed up with Colfer The Media Darling's current tour to promote Kurt The Role Model/Ambassador...and then suddenly it was, and I quote, "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRED. SCARRED FOR LIFE. WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN. ALSO, RAGE."
*stalks off in a flounce* Hmph. Fine, out of my heart with you. Azimio hasn't let me down yet. And he's the one who came up with "freak hive," so he's probably my preferred one of the two anyway.
-Show, one day you are going to have to explain why Breadsticks is like the only restaurant in this town, and why everyone practically wets themselves at the prospect of dining there. It's getting weird.
-I don't hate Blaine! Instead, I am stupidly charmed by his immutable calm and self-assurance. What a class act. In fact, I was so charmed by him that of the two possible charity kiss scenarios in this episode, I would have rather seen him kiss Kurt. He dazzled me that much.
At one point I was actually in the middle of writing a comment about how much this after-school Very Special Episode about tolerance bored and angered me, but then my typing just sort of trailed off and quit under the hypnotic power of his voice. Any normal character that maddeningly serene in the face of antagonizing threats would make me want to start throwing punches, but he works some kind of RS-soothing voodoo. And even makes me giggle. "Well, HE'S not coming out any time soon."
Puck: Wear all the feathers you want, you'll blend right in.
RS: *explodes with laughter* I don't remember the club being quite this mean to him before - I thought he was more popular than Rachel? - but I'm OK with it.
-That said, because I am nothing if not volatile and inconsistent, when Kurt started crying about how up until that point he had never had a kiss that counted before, my heart promptly melted and went out to him. Someone get over here and hug this boy, RIGHT NOW.
-Sue Sylvester (and her triumphant glitter cannons!), who...at this point, is mostly just marvelous. I'm sorry, Past Self, but she is. As long as she dials down the insults about Mr. Schue's hair, it seems we get along beautifully. I had even picked out a quote or two of hers to use for the opening line in case episode didn't live up to its promises (and which I still reserve the right to use in the future):
a) It's like living in a nightmare.
b) Do you know what kind of disgusting images I'm going to have to look at to get this out of my head?
Subsection of Good: Will Schuester
-Will, without even turning around: Kurt, I'm gonna say it again -- boys team.
Kurt: *sulks off*
RS: *howls with laughter*
-Concerned Teacher Moment #1!
Will: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back.
RS: Awww, maybe Kurt does still get to me with his wee holding-back-tears face. Have you gotten a hug from Schue yet? I think there should be support-hugging soon.
Kurt: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide.
RS: And you lost me. Don't care. Not if letting homophobia slide is the same thing as watching guys slam you into lockers, because that is good entertainment and will never change. You brought this on yourself by stalking Finn and bashing Rachel from day 1. Mostly the bashing-Rachel thing.
Kurt: And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive.
RS: That's it, the Sound is gonna find you. Oh yeah, The Sound is what I've named *my* fist. See, that way, when I team up with my neanderthal buddy on a quest to go mess up your face, it makes a cool literary pun.
[Sorry, got a lot of unchecked Kurt rage that's been building up over the past few weeks, and the recent-ish Entertainment Weekly article just lit a powder keg beneath it]
Kurt: I mean, boys vs. girls? That doesn't challenge anyone.
Will: You mean because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted.
-But then he goes and adjusts the assignment accordingly to give Kurt something for once. Awww.
-Very much enjoyed him keelhauling Mike & Sam into the choir room to demand explanations for this bullshit (a move he probably regrets about 5 seconds later. Will: *does not want to hear about the status of glee girls putting out vs. not putting out*). Honestly, it's...really none of his business and you can't control what people think, so I'd say it's well within their rights to keep right on with what they're doing. They just need to practice biting their tongues. My special moral code strikes again! However, I applaud this move for the outrage and defense of others' feelings.
-Concerned Teacher Moment #2: trying (in vain) to stand up for Puck against his probation officer in Figgins' office.
Subsection of Subsection of Good: Will & Shannon
I really liked all of their interaction in this, as it's such a relief to see that Will has morphed out of his douchetastic premiere mode and turned into "the only person at this school [she] trust[s]."
Then there were about 14 different points during the locker room speech where they could have stopped and I still would have been overwhelmed with satisfaction, but he just kept adding to it. OK, all I want out of life is to meet a friend/friendly coworker like this. Then:
On first viewing, I was busy banging my head into a wall and rewriting my shipping code to specify "Will/any female with hair below shoulder length [plus April]," because this is visually very hard to watch. Not apologizing for it any more than I apologized for scrubbing with Brillo pads to remove the images of him flirting with Sue from my brain.
It never gets comfortable as a viewer, but here are some of the reactions I had immediately afterward:
-WHAT IS WITH THIS SHOW AND THE SAD, LOVELORN OLDER LADIES. Oh, no, why, why would you say the thing about never having been kissed to a guy? Don't say that, don't even put that out there! Awkward.
-"What that says to me is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman whose heart is just too big for most men to stand."
That looks cheesy, right? Right, but also wrong. Remember when things were uncomfortable after Emma's revelation and I still came away from it feeling disappointed in his response? Not today. Today he says cheesy things with such kindness and sincerity that I would happily settle for dying a nun if I could just have one moment of being told something like that (of course, it's probably rarer than actually being kissed).
-"You really think I'm pretty, Will?"
"Inside and out."
And then he kissed her. The internet has divided itself over this, with the loud majority calling for Will's arrogant/condescending/patronizing/egoti
I mean, setting aside my particular starry-eyed devotion to this character (seriously: IDEAL, aaaaaaand I'm pretty sure I'm harboring irrational jealousy of Dot Jones), this is the scenario I want. I'd previously seen it in a YA novel somewhere, and I thought it was a beautiful idea then, too. One perfect storybook kiss, with no further expectations, and no heartbreak when your combination first kiss/love almost inevitably falls apart -- just a self-contained memory to keep forever.
In other words, I found it an incredibly sweet gesture. The only thing that makes me a twinge sad is that in any other case those same words could have actually been the prelude to legitimate attraction**, and it's bittersweet to know you can't even hope it's anything other platonic. But at the same time, if you've spent that long alone, it's enough. One moment of reassurance, with someone who has nothing but compassion and doesn't judge. Yes, Universe, I would indeed like that.
Hey, look, you introduced the fantasy into my life. I'm gonna romanticize the hell out of it.
P.S. Lol, Will is such a man-ho.
**Well obviousy I am taking that scenario and immediately applying it to everyone else I can think of, starting with Emma.
Up Next: In addition to my previous flailing over a rare sighting of my OTP, I'm starting to feel good vibes about Gwyenth Paltrow. I wasn't before, because I like her as a married-to-Chris-Martin person but not really as an actress, yet she seems appealing in these promos. Besides, if you refer to my shipping code...OK, that's probably why her character appeals to me. SHIPPITY SHIP SHIP.