I would have backdated this, but I felt it was really important to acknowledge the similarities between myself and the hilariously overwrought helper dog. What follows should be ignored.
A Stockpile Of Meandering Thoughts:
-God, even Doomsday had soothing fanfic patches galore. This fandom does not deal so much in quality fanfic, with fewer even passably competent E/L writers than I can count on one hand.
-HOWEVER: remember this fic? I kind of shot past it when it was published, but having discovered that it is eerily like canon despite having been written in December, I like this ending MUCH BETTER. I mean, not much better, but in the sense of I would be a much less broken and emotionally bereft person right now if I had seen this and I hadn't seen the flash forward. I'd probably be praising the show's awesome ability to dole out angst that hurts but good.
-You know what, it's the future flash's fault. There are a lot of outcomes I could have dealt with. But there's something about having it in black and white, NEVER* seeing each other again, that guts me (*or at least not for a minimum of 16 months, which feels like forever; I am 16 today! And anyway, I think there are strong implications about them never seeing each other again). If you don't know, it's just one stab to the heart and done. But if you know it's gone forever -- that, despite what TV has taught me since the beginning of time about how all canon couples I ship will eventually make it through, unless one party dies or there is an equally strong shipping alternative, it isn't happening here -- I start reeling. The interminable future is bleak.
-If only I could go back to December (3rd) and say, "Don't, self! Don't click on the TWoP article! Don't get attached to this series; live forever in blissful ignorance of a show you knew only as the quirky WB throwback you'd probably never get a chance to appreciate!" If only I had known that I would be dooming myself to another of the World's Cruelest Fandoms, titles previously held best by Doctor Who and Harry Potter...
-Last night was the waterworks fest. (That's a good sign, right? First there is the rage, then the empty despair, then the crying, then the empty despair again, then we start working toward acceptance by way of refusing to think about it.) It also resulted in some scraps of fanfic. That look awful by daylight, but maybe not completely useless; another positive thing about tears is that they are usually the key to unlocking my mental block, writing-wise.
-I will bet you a week of garage sale money that by the end of summer I own an Eeyore stuffed animal, SOLELY TO PRETEND. That's right, I have new purpose in stalking the crappy stuffed animal bins at said sales.
-I heard "Haunted" roughly a zillion times yesterday. It's destroying the song for me, associating it with specific misery, but I can't stop. My feverish brain is working overtime trying to mentally set a fanvid to it, because if I can outline it, I can learn how to make it. I never realized how hard it is to come up with transitionary images for the music between lyrics, never mind keep the chorus fresh each time.
-Eventually this devolved into reading my senior year journals, where it turns out that for all I whimpered about leaving behind crushes and teachers and other people I adored but only spoke to at school, the hurt that comes through the page best is how I felt upon graduation about losing the entity that was my high school symphonic band -- partly the people, but also the music and just, the whole experience --, light of my senior year life/reason to live. It's not that I'm actually still upset about it (see, I've grown up! Now I just love TV), but that I can still sympathize with my 2004 self, who went through some upsetting heartbreak that spring.
-And now I'm destroying "Long Live" for myself by wishing that there were more years of Life Unexpected featuring the stupidly happy trio of teens in 2012 and imagining fanvids set to that. You know what really sucks, is accepting that before long, they'll both move on. And she'll be fine.
-I need to save some thoughts for the actual review, which I swear IS going to happen...