7:03: I want to say that this opening performance is better than last year's? But I also want to love Aretha Franklin, and her voice makes it impossible. Kind of like the big voices of the women performing tribute to her. Not sure how Florence Welch got mixed up in this nonsense. At least her gorgeous dress sets her apart. Unlike Jennifer Hudson, who is just doomed to fail at dressing herself forever (armored shoulder pads, really? Didn't we already mock Paula Abdul about this?)
7:20: Best Performance by a Pop Duo or Group: IF GLEE DOESN'T WIN THIS I WILL CUT A ...oh, regionals version? Well, OK, that wasn't as good so that might cost it. Hover, if Train wins, I will STAB THINGS. I despise "Hey, Soul Sister" so so so much, there will never be enough words for how much I can't stand ukulele.
7:21: *stabs things* *stabs things a lot*
Voice: I'm actually bleeding to death right now.
(Okay, heh, that was funny -- "Thanks, Justin Bieber, for not being a duo or group.")
7:21: But for the record, it is Wrong with a capital W that Glee did not win, because even in its inferior Regionals version, their work with "Don't Stop Believing" is still actual magic wrapped up in song. It is a special piece of work and it legitimately deserves awards.
7:22: Ricky Martin informs me that Gaga is coming on to sing a special song about "loving who you love and being who you are." I just punched the "off" button.
7:27: Is it still happening? *checks* It's still happening.
7:34: Again -- I feel like I want to love Miranda Lambert so much more than I actually do. She's got everything going for her, but I'm just bored when she sings.
7:38: Lenny Kravitz intro music! ("Fly Away") There, that's some stuff I can get behind. As opposed to the band actually making its Grammy debut right now, something I've never heard of called "Muse." MY COMMENTARY IS SO EXCITING THIS YEAR.
7:42: They're kind of monotonous and headache-inducing, Muse. Don't invite them back. [edit: or award them.]
7:45: Aww, Taylor Swift's Target commercial for "Speak Now"! Adorable. That is so much more exciting than anything the show has done so far tonight.
7:50: My word, this trio of R&B people is boring.
7:57: Female Country Vocalist. Hey, Jewel! I haven't heard from you in a while; I had no idea you had new stuff -- oh, I guess I did hear this one (Satisfied), I just wasn't very impressed with it. Nor with Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home." In fact, this whole category seems designed to put me to sleep, so it's fitting Lambert won. Is it 2012 yet so Taylor Swift can go back to taking over the world?
8:05: Usher. What did you unleash upon the world.
8:06: OK, percussion ensemble > Justin Bieber performance. The idea of taking him seriously is such a joke, I can't even be bothered to dislike him. The backup ninjas were pretty freaking amazing, though.
8:09: The only thing funnier than taking Justin Bieber seriously is taking one of Will Smith's kids seriously. Aw, Will & Jada look pretty adorably proud out in the audience, though. I have the sinking feeling that this might end up being one of the more memorable parts of the night.
8:10: COME ON. I ALREADY SAT THROUGH USHER'S CRAP FOR THE SUPER BOWL. OK, new comparison -- it is easier to take Will Smith's kids seriously as performers than this dude.
8:13: Hey, Pauley Perrette! Lime green dress is an odd color, but the music note decal on front is cute.
8:14: Best Rock Album: Everyone seems really, really old. I guess that's why Muse won.
8:19: Where did "Mad Love" come from and how did it pack so much star power into an awful midseason comedy? It looks like the "Valentine's Day" of television.
8:20: The...something of the year, album? Specific type of album? I don't know; my knee-jerk reaction is just to dislike everyone mentioned so much that I respectfully request a Bieber win.
8:21: BARF. LADY GAGA IS NOT EVEN HUMAN. SHE IS LIKE THIS CREEPY MAD-SCIENTIST LABORATORY CREATION.
8:23: Oh, awesome! Letterman's "Top 10 Surprises at the 2011 Grammys." *dies laughing* I generally don't like Letterman, but his Top 10 lists are always hilarious. Remind me to paste the full list in here later.
8:25: Bob Dylan: proving that there have always been individuals crapping all over popular music. *instant mute*
8:29: Actually, I'm not hating the Avett Brothers right now. I'm not loving them, but I feel like there's some hope for this piece. "Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise"? It's got soundtrack potential in the manner of Elizabethtown/Away We Go music.
8:30: Nope, wait, here's Bob Dylan. RS out. Also, I'm now YouTubing the above song, since I missed most of the performance, and I'm giving it actual Music List consideration. What the crap! If I let this in, it could alter the entire course of my musical trajectory. Someone please use it as backdrop music so I have a reason to get emotionally attached.
8:38: Lifetime Achievement Awards: this year, are actually going to some people I know and love, such as Julie Andrews and the ever-adorable Dolly Parton.
8:39: Aw, Lea Michele is here as a presenter, with some football player dude from the Packers. Precious.
8:40: Lol, "Grammy wimmers." I hear your mistakes, Lea. Continuing to be uninteresting: Lady Antebellum. I'd rather have boring country than offensive and horrible hip-hop, but I'm still going to complain about being bored.
8:42: "Need You Now" immediately lost any potential charm it had after someone pointed out that it was about a booty call. Which seems obvious in retrospect, but I consider all music irrelevant unless it's Music List-worthy, and so I never pay attention to lyrics unless they're making or breaking its entry on there.
8:43: Miley Cyrus! Is that really your hair? Also, that dress is really pretty, but mostly -- is that your own long and gorgeous hair, no extensions? Because I like you a lot all of a sudden.
8:44: Best Country Album: I...don't even know anymore. If Taylor Swift's not involved, I just don't care. Give it to Lambert. She seems classiest. You know, distinctly unlike Lady Antebellum's current nomination that just won.
8:46: Nope. Not listening to Cee-Lo. That garbage is only acceptable when sanitized and awesome-washed by Gwyneth Paltrow and the Glee kids. (well, maybe just a quick peek)
8:47: *gapes in goggle-eyed disbelief* What the CRAP is this. I can't...well, kudos, for being too hilariously ridiculous for me to even remember what qualms I have about this piece being nominated. WHY IS THERE A RANDOM DOG PUPPET. Why is he dressed in a giant feather suit? Why does his band consist of muppet-like creatures? NOBODY KNOWS. IT'S SO CONFUSING. AND UNEXPECTEDLY AWESOME.
8:49: Oh good, they included Gwyenth Paltrow in an attempt to improve it a little. This skintight, plunging neckline costume isn't doing her any favors, though. And OI! This is why Glee is better, all right; the lyrics are clearly "being in love with your face ain't cheap." Sanitize this shh!
8:50: Seriously, this whole performance is like some sort of drag queen explosion at a celebration of gay pride...and that's a compliment. Commendable work exceeding my expectations, everyone.
(missed the time): Neil Patrick Harris: star of How I Met Your Mother, a/k/a King of Everything. Introducing...Katy Perry.You realize that makes four separate days this week I have been attacked by Katy Perry or at least her music in some context. *shuts it down*
9:02: Oh crap, how long has this trio been performing "Jolene"?? It's awesome, especially considering how much I generally can't stand John Mayer (what is with the skeevy facial hair? Did he not think he looked douchey/creepy enough?) or Norah Jones. Wow, Norah's voice should not be suited for country, and yet she really impressed me.
9:04: Song of the Year, this is always good for sending me to my Special Angry Place. Hehe, "The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You." Oh, I don't care right now. Lady Antebellum it is, even though not even Glee could awesome-wash that.
Voice: That's a damn lie and you know it.
RS: I have issues admitting Puck is one of the better male vocalists in the group.
9:12: Why is Seth Rogen here? Why is Seth Rogen ever anywhere?
9:12: Apparently he's introducing three of the least acceptable people ever added to music -- Dr. Dre, Eminem, and Rihanna. But I've been intrigued by the clips of "Love The Way You Lie" I've heard, so I'mma give this a chance.
9:13: Huh, this might be the first time her hair has ever looked normal. I mean, it's still this weird and unnatural shade of red, but at least it's an attractive cut. Now if only she would scrub that dirt off her skin. Why would you tattoo words on your skin? Especially on your neck.
9:14: OK, the clips I've heard did not involve Eminem rapping. Rihanna, honey, please stop collaborating and just take the pretty melodies they give you for your own. This song feels less like a duet and more like a horrible mashup that just doesn't go together. Also, the sound keeps cutting out, and I imagine it's because they can't censor him. Ugh.
9:16: It is rapidly becoming apparent to me that Jay-Z and Kanye West are preferable to Eminem. So is Usher. By the way -- who is this pretty lady singing "I need a doctor"? I give you the same advice I just gave Rihanna.
9:20: Aw, Jewel. Introducing Best New Artist, where I feel EXTREMELY strongly that nobody is anywhere near the quality of Florence + The Machine.
9:21: WTF? I've never even heard of Esperanza Spalding.
9:23: Other music commercials I love -- Alicia Keys talking about her version of "Empire State of Mind."
9:28: Oh, oh, Matthew Morrison! Wonderful. His hair's unsettling me a tad, oddly spiky and without curl, but may I just say: if you want to interest me in what one of the boring suits has to say about the Grammy Foundation, trading lines with Morrison is the way to do it.
9:34: I have never heard of any of the people in the In Memoriam tribute.
9:36: I think Mick Jagger actually died 20 years ago, and they just keep reanimating him for performances.
9:48: Barbra Streisand's outfit is classy.
9:50: OK, explain to me why we are hearing them announce the Best Rap Album, and totally ignoring the important categories like "Female Pop Vocal Performance," which is a category I have a vested interest in seeing Sara Bareilles win for 3 reasons: King of Anything is awesome, honoring Sara would restore the category's honor, and I want to see her clobber out Beyonce, Lady G and Katy P (as well as the ever-boring but still 2nd place Norah Jones).
[edit: SOB. Lady Gaga. Worst]
9:52: Why are we awarding Eminem. I don't understand. You know how I have "white guys rapping" in my interests? It has limits. It does not include angry, violent, vulgar rap.
9:59: I'm not clear what's happening right now. Is Rihanna part of the duet, or is she a dancing slave girl provided for entertainment? I'm getting some harem vibes.
10:02: Still introducing J.Lo with "Jenny From the Block."
10:03: Record of the Year: Oh, just give it to Empire State of Mind, would you? Alicia Keys managed to do what Rihanna cannot, and collaborate for success but then take it away for her own.
10:04: Again with the Lady Antebellum. I can't believe I am disappointed that country beat out Jay-Z. What is wrong with me? At least it wasn't Cee Lo, though. Small blessings. Hee, someone just called them "Lady A." I approve.
10:11: Oooh, HIMYM gets to double-dip as well -- Jason Segel. Introducing another band I have never heard of, Arcade Fire. I'm just going to assume they suck.
10:13: Sometimes, assumptions are right.
10:22: And in a showing of irony, the Great Big Fancy Award goes to Arcade Fire. All right! Mostly because that's a whole bunch of awful people who didn't win. Also, one member just shouted a line in French, so now they are my favorite. I also like the tall gangly one in the blue velour suit; he looks like a long-lost Weasley.
10:25: Play us out,