Be right back, I need to take 17 showers and then get a full-body chemical peel.
I basically spent the episode quoting Chandler every third minute.
(Link) View more Matthew Perry Sound Clips and Chandler Bing Sound Clips
[EDIT: Until it works again, the quote is: "Why? Why? Why, why? Why, why would they do this?"]
-Holly Holiday: It Is Suddenly Really Hard to Like This Woman
-Yiayia Does Not Approve (YouTube not helpful about providing a streamlined clip, unfortunately)
-Shut Up Forever, Will
-My Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!
[or perhaps more accurately: My Ears! The Hand Cymbals Do Nothing!]
This episode has nothing redeemable. It has no potential whatsoever. And not like how "Duets" had potential we came back to, but like how "Rocky Horror Glee" had nothing redeemable about it. Except this has 100% less shirtless Sam, and Carl is at least 50% less awesome.
The closest thing to something good in this episode is that Emma is my hero, but that only intensifies the torture as she promptly becomes the object of public humiliation and open laughter from everybody, including The Beast. And then, of course, even Emma being my hero ends up in a rage spiral. Can we just back up the "counseling" moment for a minute? What do you mean, Carl hasn't even touched her in four months of marriage? No, no, absolutely not. I wouldn't mind seeing this explored in a serious way with a licensed therapist, but I emphatically do not want what could have been a complex hangup played off as Alas!, Emma Still Wubs Will. BARF.
That was half the joy in the impromptu marriage, the happy realization that Will was not going to be her first. I decided long ago that even if they unravel said marriage (probably by cheating. Because everyone on this show cheats. Name one couple with no element of cheating), at least this way she'd be on a more level playing field with Will; he wasn't held up as this mythical romantic-hero lover of legend.
I am just so grossed out by the notion that for all the other ways Carl's helped her, she apparently still needs the Healing Power of Will's Magical...I can't finish that sentence in a way suitable for network television. Carl is a good guy. He is also a hot guy. Who is married to you. Stop there, you've hit the jackpot.
Wait, if I stretch reeeeeeally hard, I can come up with one other good thing -- Will actually referencing last year by mentioning that he's seen how teen pregnancy can turn a kid's life around (...not in a good way), and his fabulous reactions upon thinking Brittany was going down that road too.
Except all of this just ends up in a place of SUPER PEDO VIBES. By painting all the kids as these confused little dolls who apparently not only don't know where babies come from but think AIDS comes from vegetables, it knocks about five years off their age and puts a real serious, ugly kink in one's ability to enjoy wrong-bad shipping. Obviously, that's what I'm most upset about. (Voice: What, reality?)
(I say this, but watch, by tomorrow there will be three new fics between and not only blithely ignoring the squickiness, but embracing canon for post-ep porn. All I'm saying is, if anyone so much as mentions him being a good teacher/educator in those fics, I will hurt them).
Other bombs in this episode included:
-A ridiculous focus on Blaine and Kurt. I am blissfully vague on what happened in the episode with them after that confusing scene in which all the boys danced around in a cloud of bubbles, because after that point, every time one of them started talking I would immediately become aware of a need to LOUDLY CLAP MY HANDS AGAINST MY EARS LIKE CYMBALS. (It's problematic when you lose your remote with the mute button, but are afraid that if you change the channel, you'll miss something "good" in the next scene)
-Santana's apparently bed-hopping to cover up her sexuality, LOLWHUT and also No. Am I supposed to sympathize with her now? Because that's not happening.
-Hate you too, Quinn.
-The music in this episode was terrible, and I skipped "Landslide" because I am already annoyed about the Dixie Chicks corrupting that beloved beauty; I'm not about to let Glee trample all over it.
-Holly is THE WORST. Everything she said and did, except put a stop to A Night With The Disgustingtons, THE WORST.
-Also the worst: WILL SCHUESTER. This is far beyond the Rocky Horror levels of poor judgment. This is a "parents literally need to start an active campaign to have him suspended from teaching for an indeterminate number of weeks" level of inappropriate classroom behavior.
In conclusion: Without question THE worst episode of Glee to date. The worst. Breezing right on past last week and Rocky Horror both; this hit a rock bottom so deep I didn't know it existed. Besides generally being the worst, it has taken my love for Glee and snapped it half. I have exactly zero interest in watching the next installment.