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'Cause you weren't there when I was scared

9 weeks in, fanfiction.net has exactly 29 Off the Map stories (and as far as I can tell, LJ has much less than that). None of them feature my extremely canon pairing. COME ON. Why do I keep getting ghost-town fandoms? I picked a show from a proven producer on a major network in an established genre that did not get axed immediately, but is determinedly chugging along, uninterrupted, to complete its initial 13-episode run. Just because the canon is amazing in terms of my personal wish-granting doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to embellish it with extra ideas in fic. Yuletide option, maybe??

Friends in Syndication: So, I have always been vaguely creeped out by Richard/Monica, and never understood why it lasted as long as it did. Then last night I finally saw the episode where they break up, and I felt very D: about it, despite Chandler/Monica being my clear OTP for the series. Confusing.
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CSI: NY, 7x17, "Do or Die"
OK, I'm sorry, who has sex in a library? Seriously. Do not pollute the sacred home of the books. Furthermore, who stars in classmate-produced porn films as their way of "breaking the rules" from their terribly constrictive academic lives? Teenagers are such morons. Especially rich teenagers. It's like touching money (or a card loaded with it) kills brain cells.

That said, this was a pretty fun/compelling storyline, and for bonus fun, our local pornographer was played by Austin Butler, keeping my Life Unexpected love alive all over the place. Turns out I really like this guy, as even being a smug jackass/pervert here, there's something about him that makes me smile. I bet if he had sported this sort of curly, overgrown floppy hair instead of gelled-out spikes on LU, I would have found him a perfectly acceptable substitute boyfriend for Lux.

I just hated the ending, which was so depressing in ways that murder shows just...should not be. All I really feel is "poor Emmy." Would like her to have a fantastic trial lawyer and get away with something like...can you get away without jail time for manslaughter? Because really, it was clearly just an accident. If she admitted to any guilt during her inevitable confession-y speech time, I'm retconning it out of existence, as the only reason she had to justify her actions right there was for the viewing audience.

As far as her project, I have never heard of a Lava Lizard, and I'm extremely disappointed in Childhood Me, who knew just about everything there was to know about 2 and 4-legged species in the animal kingdom. I did enjoy Mac's conversation with the teacher, who seemed appropriately sympathetic to Emmy's academic prowess not translating to social acceptance. (Look, if Mr. Schue can't be relied upon for professionalism from week to week, I will look elsewhere for my Understanding Teacher moments)

Personal-moment-wise, I enjoyed Lindsay's reference to her own experience with murdered friends, even if it wasn't quite the same situation, as well as some references to Lucy's future education. Where she & Danny lost me was the intensely uncomfortable table sex positioning hypothesis, however brief. *shudder* Didn't I enact a rule about personal space between you two? Didn't I state that you are required to remain at least two feet apart unless in imminent danger or in contact for under 3 seconds? I guess I didn't. Consider the 2 Foot Rule (a/k/a 3 Second Rule) officially instated.

And of course Jo was a cheerleader. SHUT UP.

Lastly, I sat up and took notice of the song during an early evidence-processing (or was it the morgue?) montage, because I heard lyrics like "Can somebody help her / lost and confused..." and "It's all so easy on your own..." and promptly concluded this is an example of a song that needs to be covered ASAP. As shown below, these are some impressive lyrics about a lost/lonely girl, but it just sounds like crap Generic Music From a Band and puts me to sleep. It needs to be interpreted by an empathetic solo female voice ASAP, preferably with piano or guitar accompaniment.

Complete lyrics for "02-20 Girl," according to first hit on the internet:
Can somebody help her?
Lost and confused
She's been here before
But her mind ain't much use
Forgot what she came for
Or even why she's here
'Cause when her eyes, they shut
She's not there, she don't care

It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 girl

It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 girl, 02-20 girl

Climb your way to nowhere
Might as well stay here
Sit back, relax, 02-20 girl
So bored, so bored
Don't care to remember
the reasons why you're here
'Cause when your eyes, they shut
You don't care, you're not there


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CSI: Miami, 9x16, "Hunting Ground"

Hey, I remember this plot when it was called "Predators and Prey." I didn't think the 2011 show could match the 2006 fanfic, but it kinda did.

This even managed to outdo last week in terms of making it terrifying. The teaser was painfully hard to watch - something I normally only say in the context of something laughably bad. It really makes you think about all those times you, as an animal-loving child, talked about how you wished the animals would shoot the hunters instead. (but then just as quickly, the same scene reinforces what a terrible business hunting anything is, and why it should only be performed out of grim starvation or population-control necessity)

I was pleasantly surprised that they came up with such a different spin on the human-hunting scenario, too - men instead of women, bow-and-arrows instead of guns, and you've got a whole new story. Of course, in the TV version, instead of Human Horatio, you've got Rogue Horatio blatantly and unnecessarily threatening torture to a really obnoxious degree, not once but twice. That costs it some points. But as far as a current-state-of-Miami story goes...all around excellence.

Favorite random thrill: mention of the Tamiami Trail, which is the street one of the mystery shop locations I edit is on. It's my favorite street name in the world. Second favorite: a character whose foreign language of choice is French, which happens approximately never in the Miami version. I like it when TV caters to my skills.

Also enjoyed Ryan bitching about hating nature, due to various bad experiences with bears, alligators and the like (interestingly, no mention of his bad experience with torture when Horatio prepared a makeshift branding iron), though I wish that moment with the leech hadn't screamed THIS WILL BE AN IMPORTANT PLOT POINT!! quite so loudly.

Still. Easily one of the best showings of the season; Adam Rodriguez clearly needs to be given more writing/directing opportunities.

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House, 7x16, "Out of the Chute"
Much like the great Barney/Robin fiasco of '09, the show is apparently attempting to divert my attention from its horrible shipwrecking decision by blowing me away with spectacular episodes. Unlike HIMYM, this time I am a willing participant in the distraction. Look at all the shiny!! I practically don't care at all that House & Cuddy are broken up. Too much quality.

1) Favorite teaser! I never notice direction, but I loved the black bull lumbering into focus. The only thing better than starting with Cuddy, really, is starting with an animal. Rodeo bulls are a lot uglier than most cows, all bulging with muscle and frequently frothing at the mouth, but a cow is a cow is a handsome creature. And then I really loved the slo-mo action, pausing at each second to narrate the bull rider's analysis of the situation while the bull practically froze in midair. It was a like a ballet. I thought we were done with the special sequences last week?

2) And then the bull rammed the crap out of the rider and stomped on him a couple of times for good measure. Haha, fun times.

3) Martha, despite her distracting little-kid bangs, was extra-precious this week with her adorable, illogical crush on the patient (about which Taub won't stop teasing her). And her worrying about House ("He loves her! You can't feel bad for him for 5 minutes?"), followed swiftly by her incessant worrying about House's judgment and wonderful naivete about his Vicodin-addled past. I kept looking at her tonight and marveling at how much Amber Tamblyn has disappeared into this role - it's hard to think of Martha and Joan Girardi as the same person. And also thinking, why can't you stay forever! Please?

4) Pretty much everything involving House's endless 1-man hookers-and-excess party in the hotel, aided by Carnell's service where necessary. (side note: MORE HOOKERS. ALWAYS MORE HOOKERS). I laughed pretty hard at the William Tell reenactment, which I was fooled by insofar as I thought he was going to wake up from a Vicodin-induced hallucination. I expected that several times during this hour, actually. Enjoyed the Ducklings having to constantly troop to his hotel room and politely ignore the various hookers next to him in order to get solid input on the case.

5) I also laughed House ordering them all around via speakerphone. "Chase, stop screwing with Foreman." (I love how Chase smirks, like he was just trying to see how long he could get away with it) "And tell Cuddy that spying is for cowards." 

6) WILSON: I think he became the star of the hour, between his direct worrying about House (offers to move back in together?) and his go-between duties to harangue Cuddy and try to force a change of heart. I actually can't decide which of the latter I liked better, the Wilson yelling at her that she knew he was an addict/ass when they started ("Just give him another chance. He deserves it."), or the Wilson who came to the door imploring that House needs her in his life, "even if you're not sleeping with him." Just, yes, ALL OF THIS.

7) And when Cuddy did finally force a confrontation with House, the return of his biting sarcasm was actually quite refreshing. Not that it was better than relationshippy!House, I'm just saying that if you're going to take that toy away from me, I fully accept your substitute offering.

8) The ending was another place where I thought we were going to wake up from a dream/hallucination (though House yelling "Cannonball!" cracked me up), but I am perfectly happy to accept the horrified look on Wilson's face as it was, and maybe go AU to a place where the swimming pool wasn't quite as accessible from the balcony as House imagined.

9) Everything else.

10) Incidentally, the subject line lyrics relate to this review. You'd think I could have found something more applicable than Avril, especially in the early days, but my brain is really hung up on this line.

Next week: House continues to amaze and awe. This is so marvelous. I am actually EXCITED for new episodes all the time now.

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