I tried to watch the Red Carpet beforehand, but I just cannot, cannot listen to the insipid commentary of the interviewers, nor take most of the canned comments from the stars. Interviews have never been my thing. It's more fun to just hop online the next day and look online at all the fashion.
In the meantime, let's talk about the guest star wins from earlier in the week:
-If someone on Glee who is *not* Cheno wins, I will slushie somebody in protest.
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, please report to my address for a slushie...ing. Slushifying. I am throwing a slushie all over your weird midriff-baring exotic dancer outfit.
-But, my demands for Loretta Devine to win Guest Actress in a Drama were met, so now I am at a crossroads.
6:58 PM: I just connected the phrase "Jane Lynch is hosting the Emmys" with the realization "I will have to listen to Jane Lynch talk for 3 hours," or at least have her popping in a lot. Cue head exploding in agony. I may have partially made my peace with Sue Sylvester, but I will never quite forgive Jane Lynch for bringing that character to life and making her as popular as she did in season 1. As a result, I find the woman unwatchable even in real life/out of character. Remember when Sue asked, "Hey, where's the hate?" I think you'll find plenty of it coming up.
Away We Go
7:04: So far, this musical opening is vastly more disappointing than last year's Glee fest. I don't know if it's really her voice or not, but it hurts my ears. My favorite parts so far have been the Mad Men character suggesting she fire the person who gave her that man's haircut (LOL, TRUISM) and a brief but beautiful shot of some Friday Night Lights boys. And by FNL boys I mean "Matt Saracen/Zach Gilford/Tommy Fuller, I miss your face in every incarnation." (...even if I technically haven't seen much of Matt Saracen's face yet and have plenty to look forward to)
7:05: That dress looks super, super wrong. I don't even know how to describe how much is wrong here, she just looks hideous. It's either the color or too young or too feminine for her; I haven't decided. Put away your boobs, Jane.
7:10: Awww, a bunch of singing TV people I love are going to introduce the categories? Chuck, Robin, Meredith (Palmer, not Grey), Jeff, Fez, and some lady I've never seen before? I approve!
7:14: Outstanding Supporting Actress goes to Julie Bowen, the first in presumably a looooong line of rage. Better her than Sofia? That's how I draw my line.
7:15: Incidentally, that dress is disgusting. And by disgusting I mean obscene. It's like her dress doesn't even have a front, and meanwhile her chest is upsettingly skeletal. I can see bones I didn't know existed.
7:16: Good GOD this is awkward; why the hell do you not have a speech prepared when you're part of THIS freakishly overrepresented show?
7:19: Supporting Actor, Ty Burell. At least it's not Stonestreet again. At the very least, I must applaud them awarding the most normal marriage on the show. And it's nice he prepared a speech. A good one; it's got a coherent central point and it's even kind of funny.
7:25: Every award so far tonight has been won by Modern Family. If I had not deliberately drugged myself into a sugar coma, I'd be really angry right now.
7:30: *throws cake fork across the room*
Voice: Translation, Modern Family just won their fourth award.
RS: I might have to leave until Drama starts.
7:32: Jane! Do not shake your boobs at the camera. Now I will never get it out of my head.
7:37: OK, that was good: "Welcome back to the Modern Family awards."
7:38: Heh, that too: "Ladies and gentlemen, I was this man's therapist for many years -- and apparently I suck." Except I don't understand why we agreed to EVER GIVE CHARLIE SHEEN A CHANCE AGAIN. No one should allow him to appear in front of a camera. For any reason. Period. Zero forgiveness. Blacklisted. This is the most boring and pointless apology I have ever heard.
7:40: Jim Parsons wins. How 'bout that, I'm still kinda angry. You'd think I'd be amused that Steve Carell got entirely shut out for The Office.
7:42: Sofia V. is mocking thick accents. I take this as free license to point out that her accent is in fact a good 50% of the reason I can't stand her.
7:44: ...why are all they going up on stage? This feels like a waste of time. I blame Amy Poehler for being a freak and OH DEAR LORD that dress looks hideous on Meliassa. Just awful. She looks like a giant armchair. On bright side, Martha Plimpton looks gorgeous -- check out all that sparkly red! -- but Edie Falco looks completely washed out. That dress is the same color as her skin.
7:45: Wow, I am actually pretty proud of Melissa McCarthy for winning it! I really hope it's not due to Bridesmaids overexposure, because that movie looks like the most disgusting thing possible, but I think she is a super fantastic person. Her show would actually be watchable if she had a different co-star.
7:53: I LOVE WHEN THE OFFICE GETS TO FILM SUPPLEMENTAL MATERIAL!! Oh my God, the joy, the joy knows no bounds. Favorite part of the night. I'm pre-emptively assuming nothing will top this moment. I can't even... Jim having the most lines. Sharing a TH with Dwight. Ryan getting featured in a TH. Stanley being awesome by refusing to engage with the twitchy P&R freak. Ashton Kutcher, beautiful drifter, for no apparent reason. EXCELLENCE.
7:55: I keep wondering how I was able to feel completely neutral feelings about Zachary Levi for as many years as I did. Now he doesn't even have curly hair and I am all "asldjfaklsdjs I will watch your lame show live this year and everything."
7:58: Oh thank God, this dress is much less hideous. It helps to cover her boobs. (Look, if she is going to keep making them A Thing, I am going to keep complaining about them even after they go away.)
7:59: ooh, I love the lacey shoulder strap on Kaley's black dress.
8:00: Amazing Race win, and actually deserves it this year after Nat & Kat were awesome.
8:02?: EEEEEEEH! Oh my god, I don't even know what award this is for - oh, writing in Variety -- but the Jimmy Fallon gang should win it solely on the basis of using their 15-second sequence to dress up puppies and kittens in cute clothes. GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPIES IN TINY SUITS, PEOPLE.
8:04: OK, this speech is pretty hilarious. From now on I demand all nominees turn in a copy of their acceptance speech prior to having their nominations finalized. [edit: I had to look it up later to quote in full: "Thank you for the writing award. It is a very nice writing reward. The Academy is very good, so thanks for saying to us, "You are good at writing." Most of the time Jon Stewart checks our writing and rewrites the writing that is by us, but not this time. This will show him! Fox News joke TK. Emmy is good. Thank you very, very much."]
8:10: What the hell is Lonely Island, and why is Michael Bolton a thing?
8:10: Wait a minute, I recognize Andy Samberg. Is this another gross Saturday Night Live-based thing? Why wasn't that show canceled about 25 years ago?
8:12: (after two minutes of sheer horror) This is so disturbing and gross I'm...I'm actually shutting it off.
8:16: What'd I miss? Nothing important? Cool.
??: "The Daily Show has launched the careers of Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, and Ed Helms." Are you serious? Because I'm going to have to hunt the show down and punch it. Bad show! Don't do that anymore!
8:24: Cobie Smulders is the cutest of the singing bunch, bar none. She has all the most adorable expressions. However, I am worried about the length of her hair. It seems overly short. I hope it's just the effect of curls.
8:28: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS WINS FOR WRITING!!!!!!!!!! Can this be the Modern Family of Drama? Please? Please??
8:31: Based on the clips I just saw, which is the first time I've ever seen any of them except the Good Wife women, I do not hate the Justified win for Supporting Actress. I like her choice of outfit, too. It's baggy but the top over a skirt is a nice effect for her figure. Take note, Melissa.
8:39: Yeah, I kind of figured the directing race was over as soon as I heard "Martin Scorsese" included. Ringer!
8:41: Also, STOP TALKING. *smacks*
8:46: ....I'm sorry, did I just see a commerical indicating that you were remaking Footloose? Really? Footloose? How do you even get away with doing that and not fall all over yourselves laughing at how lame this is? I've never even seen Footloose, and that is just shameless in its stupidity.
8:51: Aw, Katie. Look, as long as she and Tom Cruise haven't actually divorced, I like to fill my head with notions of storybook marriage. Little to no news means less to impede my fantasies.
8:52: Good for Juliana; she's the rare repeat winner I feel actually deserves more than one win. Plus, even though half of it was MF's doing, network TV is kinda destroying cable for the first time in years and it is AMAZING. Although I feel I must comment on the weird shelf that is the top of her dress. I even like the pasted on baubles, it's just the armor-like bodice that weirds me out.
8:55: Ooh, Minka has super pretty lace-encased long sleeves. This is a favorite dress of the night for sure.
8:56: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS WONDERFUL CRAZY JOY IN WHICH KYLE CHANDLER WON THE EMMY?! I AM SO HAPPY I COULD CRY. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Actual clapping. Grin so wide it hurts. This man is amazing, I want to listen to him talk forever.
9:03: Why the hell is Cool J rapping? I agreed to let him act because it was the lesser of two evils.
9:05: Wait, is the miniseries/movie category really PBS vs. HBO? Awesome. PBS should clearly take HBO down, just on principle.
9:06: Holy crap, I just this second learned it was "Downton Abbey" and not "Downtown Abbey." THIS IS SO WEIRD. I've been pronouncing it completely wrong.
9:09: Yes! Maggie Smith, win all the things ever! Be the English Betty White! But classier!
9:15: Yikes, Paula Abdul looks tiny. She is like a child next to Jane.
9:20: I'm sorry, I thought we all agreed to stop using Hallelujah for ANYTHING on television, period. Even I hate it now, and it made The Music List and is still in my library.
9:25: Fine, Hallelujah kind of worked beautifuly. I guess that's why we don't retire it.
9:26: BTW, Dolphin Tale looks freaking adorable. How come live-action kids movies are the best, when the animated ones are so terrible?
9:35: Despite aforementioned afinity w/ PBS, there can never be enough awards for Kate Winslet. I usually have a thing about movie stars stealing from the
9:35: I am not clear why she kissed Hugh Laurie on the lips right there. But I'll allow it.
9:42: Jane, when I say to put your boobs away, I also mean your cleavage and/or anything in the chestular region more than an inch below your collarbone.
9:44: Game of Thrones has about two more nominations than I was willing to allow it and has maxed out its grudging allowance of one win, so let's make sure it doesn't take Drama...OK, good. On the other hand --
9:45: *throws up hands* I don't understand how Mad Men keeps winning when NONE OF ITS ACTORS HAVE EVER WON. HOW DO YOU MAKE A GREAT DRAMA WITHOUT WINNING ACTORS, ACADEMY? HOW?
Voice: Probably with all those writing Emmys it has.
RS: Not good enough! *whip*
9:45: Ooh, Elisabeth Moss looks stunning. Look, look at that amazing tendril design down her arms! It's like body paint, I love it.
9:47: Coming up, the Outstanding Comedy category to cap the night. OK, if Mad Men can win despite no actor wins, then I DAMN sure want a comedy with no actor wins to take it. And that means "anybody but Modern Family." Even Parks & Rec. I don't care.
9:48: Ooooooh, Dream House looks wonderfully creepy (and explains that random marriage out of the blue). 2011 has so many great-looking movies; what's happening in Hollywood? I don't remember the last time I was so excited for this much stuff that was not related to television.
9:53: Fuck you, Emmy voters. I'm done.
I have no idea what to watch on TV tonight. I want to watch ALL OF THE THINGS. Most of them on a one-time basis because their premieres have some special hook and I won't have the patience to watch them online.
[edit: Yeah, I may have neglected to verify when all the shows were actually starting.]