1. "A character will go jewelry shopping for an engagement ring."
It's Will, right? BARF. RAGE.
2. "Emma and Will are seen on the couch making out."
Wait, hold on, THIS is where the barfing comes in. My bad.
(part of me suspects this plotline might give Will a chance to say lovely perfect boyfriend things, but I am not in a mood to filter them out of context right now)
3. "This episode focuses on Santana coming out to her family."
Presumably with all the love and support from the entire glee club/everyone else she knows behind it, even though she really deserves little more than a slow, painful...hey, could someone possibly sic Wo Fat on her? BRB, crossing over Glee & Hawaii Five-0: North Korea Tour in my head. Anyway. Ugh, based on her character it's like Glee wants me to hate lesbians.
4. "Ryan wants to handle Santana's coming out storyline differently than Kurt's saying that her parents might not accept her as a lesbian."
Well God, I hope not. Somebody has to be my sounding board and react to Santana with something other than love and support. Ideally with hate and/or disgust; the reasons are not important. Homophobia is as good as any other.
5. "Some guy harasses Santana and the girls come to her aid with Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl."
a) OK, that first part might be worth showing up for, and
b) I'm sorry, do we not remember how the thing that is most wrong with that song is how it is basically the OPPOSITE of what this episode is trying to do? Did we just miss the lyrics about how the Katy in this song is doing it as an experimental game? I made a post about it. Remember how we talked about how Jill Scott has a real song by the same title? I can't even. Glee, this was the year you said it was OK not to be the most popular music on the block. Remember all those weeks of uncool, chart-flopping West Side Story tracks? We don't need Katy effing Perry, OK? Nobody ever needs her, but you especially don't need her now.
6."Figgins tries to suspend Santana for slapping Finn, but Finn decides to say it never happened in order to have a fair competition at Sectionals with Santana and the Troubletones."
FURY. THAT IS ALL.
7. Blah blah blah, bunch of Brittany-is-there-for-Santana nonsense, like this is not one of the worst ships on the show. It's hard to tell, because there are like fifty different awful pairings, but I intensely dislike this one for its promotion of the myth that "super close best friends = closet lesbians." Also, I'm making the case for Brittany not being mentally capable of consent.
8. "Looks like it's time to put all that Finn vs. Santana nonsense behind us, because the pair reconcile in this week's episode."
Blah blah blah, NO. Team Finn for life, or at least until I have to choose Rachel, Blaine, Sam or Quinn over him.
9. "Beiste's new man is Sue’s booty call and the two ladies end up fighting for him."
Sure. Because this storyline needed MORE focus.
10. Also, his name is Cooter. Are you kidding me? Gross. Everything about this "love triangle" is gross.
11. "Quinn tries to seduce Puck into making another baby with her. She evens tries to use wine coolers like in season 1. Puck rejects her."
I might show up for this, just because I suspect it will lead to Emotional Quinn (post-rejection) and I love that, be the emotion sadness or anger, but at the same time, I don't even know which part of this sounds ickiest.
I saved the worst two things for last (who knew there would be things worse than the title plot?):
12. "The "shocking" scene for Rachel is that she gets suspended, presumably for stuffing the ballots [for Kurt], and has to sit out Sectionals."
a) WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, GLEE, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE, HOW DARE YOU, I WILL NOT STAND. Blaine had best have ALL OF THE SOLOS, then.
b) So not only does she get suspended, and not only do we not get to hear her sing at Sectionals (her last year! damn it!), but she got in trouble over KURT. How could things possibly get worse than this? I am so cross-eyed with rage I'm afraid they might get stuck that way.
Don't worry, though, there's something worse:
13. "Puck and Shelby sleep together."
Glee has made a lot of really awful decisions in its young life, but this one is just RIGHT up there in the Olympic-medal zone for worst decisions.
Here is the one single good, non-musical thing I plan to track down:
14. "Something happens to Beth, as Puck and Shelby have her in the ER."
Hell to the yes! I need to know everything about this, stat.
Stay tuned later in the week, after the episode airs, when I track down the musical numbers (that don't fill me with rage) and evaluate songs + performances. I accidentally looked up the songs already, and I am super excited about the last one. :D
In lighter news!
I first (and last) saw Freaky Friday a really long time ago -- 2004 sounds about right -- so it was a decided shock when I found out Mark Harmon was the groom-to-be in it. I saw it at the library this week and had to snatch it up for old time's sake. Good times enused.
The Gibbs part (sorry, "Ryan." Who is not particularly unlike Gibbs, just a little lighter) was extra fantastic. Like, I may have watched all his scenes two or three times, so happy-making are they. As for the rest of the movie, it's almost as good as I remember. The excruciating secondhand embarrassment caused me to scrunch into a ball with my hands over my ears a few times, which I don't remember doing before, but otherwise, I loved it then and I love it now. It's the kind of personal classic that would probably win a spot in my top 100 movies.
In other People-I-Don't-Remember news, Chad Michael Murray. Whose half-asleep face makes me burst out laughing on the best of days, but with ridiculous Hanson hair, he was even harder to pretend to take seriously than usual. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy his resemblance to a Hanson brother, I just had to get the mockery out of my system first. As attractive teenage love interests go, he wasn't half bad, at least when he wasn't stalking Anna-As-Mom like a total creeper.