Glee, 3x10, "Yes/No"
Why does this show make me hate marriage? Honestly. All my other shows, I'm always going, "Get married, get married right now!" On this show, everyone is always proposing to each other or running off to get hitched and I'm always forced to yell "KNOCK IT OFF, THIS IS WEIRD." The only time I actually want a marriage to succeed, it goes down in flames. I think maybe Terri used her scorned woman powers to place a curse on Lima forever after.
But, all in good time.
SECTION ONE: THE MUSIC
Song: The song has always been catchy, and it works best with many voices interjecting lines, but my ears reject the main pairing on principle.
Performance: Now even harder to see past the gross Sam/Mercedes angle. But I did love how Sugar got a line, and Quinn was like "Bitch please" to the line of skipping girls, and Thrusting Blaine is all over Tumblr now, which is either the best or the worst thing I've ever seen. And on the bright side, it made me want to watch Grease again, which unlike West Side Story I have always accepted as a delightful thing deserving of its acclaim. Though, like WSS, have not seen it in at least a decade.
--Wedding Bell Blues
Song: Blech, and please stop letting Emma sing.
Performance: Hideous, with the lip syncing being particularly awful, except for those amazing shots of Will dancing. Hot damn. Also him being dapper in a tux, complete with top hat, and causing me to swoon at all the wedding imagery. It was at this point I started deviously thinking, "Photoshop Terri's face on ALL THE THINGS!" You don't want to know how long I proceeded to spend navigating Photoshop.
# witness protection facial blurring
# my hed is pasteded on yey
I'm serious, though. Anyone does this for real, you will be the hero of my heart.
--The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face
Song: Boredom hell. Shoot me now.
Performance: Equally dull. Looked away during most of it, since I don't want to hear about Brittana, I definitely don't want to hear about Sam in this context**, I never want to hear about Finn and Rachel, and I just don't care enough about Mike and Tina. This is the loser of the night.
**plus, remember who he was looking at the first time you ever saw his face? BOOM. COUNTERPOINT.
I stole this from Tumblr, and am only using the bottom half. I apologize for not saving credit; I didn't think I was going to use it for anything other than my desktop background.
+Moves Like Jagger/Jumpin' Jack Flash:
Song: My only exposure to "Moves Like Jagger" prior to Tuesday had been a clip of the title phrase at the end of a radio station commercial. I was not whelmed. "You wanna cover Maroon 5 on this show, it best be 'She Will Be Loved' or sung by Blaine." I was also baffled by the retro slang until the next day, when I found out it was a mashup. But it gets stuck in your head. One of the top 5 uses of Artie's voice.
Performance: Oh, all the points for the performance. Now, we do have a clear demonstration of Artie's awfulness when he suggests that Will should aim for something aggressively sexy instead of a ballad where he might cry, because sure, what woman would want that? (YOU ARE A TROLL. How did you ever land a girlfriend, much less two?) And Will does his best to kill it at the end by equating dancing with sweat, which, thanks for that disgusting image. But in between those two things, we have ARMS and LEAPS and spins and lots of choreography that inherently looks ridiculous, but set to music somehow generally reduces me to an awestruck "guh. Dancing is by far the greatest of all art forms." Plus Blaine is rocking the backup microphone deep in the shadows.
Song: Relatively dull, but may well grow on me just because it's a Rachel solo. But please tell me that "If you're not here I'm paralyzed" is not some horrible portent for season 4.
Performance: Things I dislike include the Brittana handhold (THEY DESERVE NOTHING), when the spotlight turns to just her & Finn -- though Finn is, admittedly, making some incredible faces and harnessing powers of emotion I did not know he had -- and the nauseating makeout session at the end of it (where, for the second time this episode, I am forced to concede to Santana having the only appropriate response).
But Rachel looks exceptionally beautiful throughout -- as she always does when she sings. And I like how Blaine checks out Finn to see if he's getting this. (He is. Turns out this fact is very unfortunate.)
Speaking of Blaine stealing the show...apparently there was a kiss just out of view? I didn't catch that on first watch, but the second time around I got very flaily when I saw the latter lean over. That said, I think I'm probably happier with just the suggestion, and am much more partial to the gazing here:
If only I could block out how offensively ugly that thing on Kurt's head is. Ah, here we go.
Look! Posters have magically appeared on the wall behind him. Take your pick.
Look! Posters have magically appeared on the wall behind him. Take your pick.
++We Found Love
Song: I tried to resist, because even without knowing who sang the original, it struck me as something to disdain. It took exactly two plays before I was addicted and listening to the full version on endless loop. Rachel's voice, being put to perfect use! And while I wish Santana would stop being featured all the damn time, her parts were beautiful (especially the haunting "crosses mine" echo)
Performance: The rose ceremony was ridiculous. But while I definitely did not want to love their big stupid pool production, and anything Will/Emma related is guarantee to make me hurl, if I focus on just the kids it really did look like fun. Highlights include:
+Blaine, all the time (for having no lines, he sure stole the show. for me). Specifically the twirling jump into the pool (of course), the grand kiss-blowing gestures, AND OH, the fact that he's the one who picks up Rachel when they split into circles. See, that's the kind of thing my eagle eye will never miss on first watch.
+Artie rolling in the deep, for aforementioned reasons of HILARITY
+The glee girl's suits
+Will looking dapper in white. Which immediately caused this to run through my head:
SECTION TWO: EVERYTHING ELSE
Becky: Adored the Helen Mirren VO, and the snark about the squirrel glued to Puck's head, but Santana wins a temporary Character Redemption Pass and nails it on the head when she points out how Becky is a conniving bitch. It's true! You think I've forgotten you telling Quinn to bite you, Becky? I will see you cry and I will like it. ...but yes, the scenes with Sue were sweet.
Artie/Becky: Most of the time, he seemed weirdly non-horrible this week. There were all these confusing season 1 flashes of him seeming sweet, and almost attractive, in the way where you get why Becky's going after him. Still, her going after him was awkward. I feel unqualified to comment. And normally I would never let that stop me, so that's proof of how awkward it was.
Artie/Sugar: Oh, I will so allow this. *interested* By the way, Sugar, very glad to have you aboard the New Directions.
Non-Beauty and the Bieste: DO NOT WANT. And really, show? Where are you getting all these stories of guys eager to elope with 30-something virgins? I genuinely need to know. And then I need to know if I'm required to settle for someone as boring and meatheaded as Cooter unless I am classically beautiful, because, no thanks. Speaking of that...
Emma, I Have A Question: what about you is so freaking special that you have garnered three proposals in three school years?
Sam/Mercedes: Okay, new stance: please get back together fast so we can start unraveling it already. And meanwhile, Sam, stop talking about marriage to all your girlfriends. It doesn't become sexy until you're at least 21. (I spent the remainder of their scenes with my fingers stuffed in my ears, shooting hate rays when I caught a mention of some stupidly adorable thing he should have done with Quinn or they attempted to hijack the slushie scenario)
Will & Finn: I like how says he doesn't want to fail again when it comes to marriage, and I'm grateful for every reference to the divorce which does not place all the blame on Terri. Because really, it was at least 75% him.
I can't even feign outrage about Will having Finn go ring-shopping with him and subsequently asking him to be his best man, it made so happy. My guess was Burt, since I was foolishly going for logic, but this was better. Almost worth Will marrying Emma in the first place. From "Are you screwing with me right now?" to how one of the reasons is that he's not afraid to cry to the way Finn doesn't even let him finish the sentence before glomping on him in a hug, IT IS THE SWEETEST. And a much more satisfying response to the question of "Is that a yes?" than we get later. I've missed Schue getting overly involved in his students' personal lives.
Non-Bearded Hug Monster
Finn & The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Truth About His Father: I stand by the fake tags in this post. Beyond that:
a) I am not 100% sure I agree with Will's decision to tattle to Burt & Carol. I don't think recruiters are bastions of the devil, nor that they should be drummed off school grounds. If not for the fact that I desperately want him to run Burt's shop, the Army actually seems like a decent option for Finn.
b) I am still angry about it, all the more so because damn it, they have plausible recourse. They've always implied that we could share Finn's hero-worship viewpoint, but I distinctly recall a season 1 Carol talking about how he didn't really know his father. Well played. -.-
c) That said, the first time I have ever truly tolerated Burt/Carol was the unspoken agreement between them that it was time to tell Finn. Finally believing in their marriage, only 14 months late!
d) "I feel sick." Yeah, me too. I think I always will.
Dinner Pity Party: Despite fleeting disappointment at the lack of Blaine, I'm OK with just the three of them. After all, he can be so nauseatingly optimistic. It would have brought the whole mood up. I'm surprised by how not disappointed I am, actually -- when did I gain the ability to tolerate Kurt without his love interest crutch? The answer lies in both his decision to eat his feelings in cheesecake, and also the way his eyes immediately shot over to Rachel after Finn's clumsy "nothing is special in my life! Woe is me! If only there was SOMETHING NICE about my world! Wahhhh, life is hard," speech. Which I may have extended a bit for dramatic effect.
tl;dr: Kurt shows quiet concern for Rachel's feelings, wins my heart
Voice: What about the time they were both sobbing in the car about their futures?
PART I: My favorite thing about his proposal announcement to the club is how disproportionately enthusiastic Blaine is, with his background "That's so great!" I would like to love how supportive all the kids are of their favorite teacher, but their naivete about his horrible life choice pains me. Children, so blind.
PART II: I can't decide if I love or hate how Will tears her down when she tries to propose for real. I 90% love it, because a) I love it when he makes her cry, b) if she wasn't such a horrible person, I would feel sorry for her because she has legitimate responses to some decidedly unfair attacks about things that are SO NOT NEWS to him, and c) I really, really, really love it when he makes her cry, especially when he knows damn well what effect he's going to have and/or offers lovely sound bites to go with it like "I love you. You know that.") I 10% hate it because he was clearly going to propose and she was going to say yes by episode's end, and that makes this entire conflict no better than the way they sporked Finn's Non-Super Date in "New York" -- pointless shipper abuse, now with a side of casting serious doubt on whether you should really marry someone who is prone to treating you like dirt.
(But I did very much enjoy "Sweetheart, you can't control another person." One, I'm a stupid sucker for terms of endearment in any context, and two, this part of the speech is something that will have to be repeated to me if I ever contemplate having children.)
INTERMISSION: What I'm taking away from the final setup is that when Sam is actually old enough to propose to someone, based on the two cracks he's taken at it so far, it will be beyond perfect. That, and this hysterical thing found on Tumblr:
PART IV: The proposal is still not going down as one of the better proposals in TV history -- all the water theatrics, while showy, were also just a little too surreal -- but those words. Those words, his face, those definitely gave me a case of the flutters.
"You are the one. You always have been. Truth is, I've had to stop myself from doing this from the second I first saw you**. The first time I held this hand, I felt like I'd held it a million times before. Somehow, it's always been here. Life is messy. It just is. And I know it's hard for you. That's why you have me, to balance things out. But you have to realize, you do that for me too. Every day. Loving you, being loved by you, makes everything better. I love you with everything I am, everything I ever hoped to be. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
Then I remembered he was proposing to Emma, which ruined it (true story, I transcribed the above paragraph while thinking about Terri. I decided "messy" could be a synonym for "disorganized" or "complicated" or "unplanned," like him ending up a teacher instead of in a lucrative career). Right up until the last second, I held my breath, hoping she'd remember him being a jerk and crush his heart, but no such luck. That sound you heard in the street was me swearing as fist met palm with significant force.
But at least I found this super prettily colored Tumblr graphic. Once again, I want to love how invested and excited the kids are much more than I do, because in theory, it's wonderful to have them involved in a moment like this.
**In context: You mean while you were married to Terri, long before any pregnancy faking? JACKASS. Writers, you have to stop this retconning that everybody was already in soulmate mode during the pilot. Your canon clearly set up established relationships with actual, gasp, love involved.
And somehow, that is not even the worst proposal of the night!
I think we should play Numb3rs Comparison again, even if the poses aren't quite as similar as I'd hoped:
Not-actually-a-spoiler alert: your story will not turn out as well as this one.
I can't really blame Finn. This was pretty much his plan with Quinn from the start, and it almost seemed reasonable with them. (side note: look at how confused and directionless both babies are! I think they should probably have stayed together, at least as long as Sam continues to torment me by letting the wrong head guide him. By which I mean the one on top of his body.)
It's stupid to us,
But I am going to complain about why she acted like she didn't know why Finn ran away from their picnic in the auditorium way back when. Um, because he was dating Quinn at the time? Pregnant Quinn? That seems like why. Whoever wrote this idiotic dialogue, come here so I can whip you with a willow switch.
In Conclusion: Oh, I don't know. Right after it aired, I nailed it with the Unremarkable Mediocrity Hammer that has categorized 70% of the season so far. But now I've spent so much time on this post, not enough of it on the bad parts, that despite the focus on 100% awful couples I've probably convinced myself it's the third best of the season. Which CLEARLY, IT WAS NOT. Oh, why did I even put that thought out there?
Up Next: I'm sorry, I forgot to pay attention to anything that did not involve Blaine. Although that Sebastian/Santana duet looks kind of hot. I'm questioning their sexuality, both of them.
FINAL WORD COUNT: ~3100
Yep. It felt like I'd reached that point right around the time I felt like I'd covered everything worth a mention. But it went by fast, right, yes/no? Was that a yes?