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Attempted to watch The River, stupidly hoping that it would be genuinely scary despite its Paranormal Activity pedigree. Nope. I have not been that mind-numbingly bored in a long time. I barely made it 25 minutes in, and that was only because it was a better alternative than New Girl. What else you got, TV?
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H50: It never fails; this show only rises to the challenge when Castle is having a particurly great week I can't wait another minute to see, and so I end up having to wait even longer for this. Worth it, though. So very worth it for kidnapped!Grace and Danny spending at least a solid half episode under duress and pleading for her life. The fact that it essentially boils down to a crazed shipper plot is just the icing on the cake. Come on. We all felt a little better that he made Stan bleed, right? Still a mess of feelings about the warm-n-fuzzy monkey-cling hug of an ending.

Oh wait, what's this? You were afraid the kidnap plot took too long to get going, so you decided to start things off with a bang by having White Chick sprain her ankle so that McGarrett has to carry her halfway down a mountain? Why yes, yes I would like that. I would especially love it if you managed to pull it off in a way that I could twist as punishing her for trying to compete with/show up a man. That's my job, to read everything through a feminist lens and then delight in having the opposite reaction.

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How I Met Your Mother ("Housewarming Party") was funny and should repeat well, but would have been better if they hadn't let Barney speak. At all.
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Glee, 3x12, "The Spanish Teacher"
Congratulations, Ricky Martin, you get the dubious honor of "worst guest star in series history." Dude is even less attractive than I remember him being, and I never thought he was cute. One look at that perfectly disgusting ink all over his biceps, and he could not be more repulsive to me. Turns out I am pretty glad Blaine was not here to bear witness to...whatever this hellish mess was.


Dear Glee,
How many times do you have to do something "sexy" before you realize that you are a fundamentally unsexy show, and this never results in anything other than embarrassment (for yourselves) and general mortification for me? I watched the sneak peek of his first performance, and my reaction was pretty much a giant side-eye and "'I'VE GOT PASSION IN MY PANTS'?? WHAT THE ACTUAL, GLEE." It was mildly amusing watching Kurt get turned on, but that was it. At least I know that I can still discern quality music from crap.

(and the music was 100% crap. Of the two best options, I'm sorry I didn't pin La Isla Bonita to my Music List when I had the chance, because Glee actually failed to improve Madonna. And I see you giving Sam a non-country song to sing by himself, but "Hero" is some nauseating cheese and worse when mashed up. You want a list of acceptable Spanish/Spanglish songs, my Approved Song List will be 90% Shakira, a trick or two from Josh Groban -- Alejate, anyone? -- or, to fit the theme of Ridiculous Nonsense this week, Kat DeLuna's "Whine Up" or J.Lo's "Ven a Bailar." Oye Como Va if you get desperate. The end.)

Whatever time wasn't spent wishing Ricky Martin would die (he is making me want Holly Holiday back) was spent wishing that Will Schuester would just shut uuuuuuuup, stop talking, because the words that you're saying are hurting me. Physically painful in every scene, except that really awesome one where he laced into Emma without mercy and only halfhearted apology. It was so great! Years of living with Terri have warped some part of him, and clearly he gave as good as he got when he had to, which is why they stayed together so long. Without Terri always on the offense, it builds up and he overcompensates. Really, I was about to smack Emma myself for her obnoxious "playful" pamphlet-pushing (oh how I loathe those things), and then he bit her head off. I howled with laughter.

Repressing rage that Mr. Schue started teaching Spanish apparently just for the hell of it. Well, fuck you very much too, show. The fact that he specifically taught Spanish was one of the founding reasons I was drawn to this show; what more beautiful meld than music and foreign language? How could you possibly get hired and stay hired for years on the apparently barely-working grasp of Spanish he has -- which, incidentally, unlike Finn's dad I'm not sure you even have a basis for claiming? And the fact that now we won't even get any more scenes of him teaching Spanish...I hate you.

Santana? Except for your awesome reaction to "La Cucaracha," hand over your Character Redemption Pass and go back to the land of the unholy undead. You know what my prize for getting out of school was? Not having to hear about cultural diversity and sensitivity ever again. You don't realize how much you enjoy having a life free of that until it roars back into focus. It all just seemed very hamfisted and forced and out of the blue this week.

Can Coach Roz please go away too? She was annoying from the start and I tried to ignore it, but now she won't get out of my face and it is just. so. very. trying. When I am backing Sue's corner in an episode, that's how you know we've entered The Darkest Timeline. And I did back Sue, nonstop, to the point where I felt heartbroken for her during the "you're so old!" tirade with its many supporting examples. I especially loved her genuine praise for Will Schuester, apparently referencing the days of yesteryear when he was less horrible -- "He's always risen up and met me with kindness."  Not strictly true, but ok.

Though I don't know why Sue was banging on about not wanting her child to be vibrating with hate and wild, irrational rage every day. It is an awesome way to live one's life. Proof positive, I am having great fun writing this post.

Sam and Mercedes, I think I'm actually more upset that they DIDN'T hook up than I would have been if they did. Every minute they spend apart just ups the odds that they will end the season on a high note, and I don't know how many more ways I can rail against this.

Tenure, ensuring we will never be rid of her? "Die in a fire, Emma. A real one. Melted flesh and singed hair all up in here."
*Also I'm pretty sure you have to be a teacher to get tenure? Not...a counselor? This seems like logic?

Shut up, Beast.

THINGS THAT DID NOT MAKE ME RAGEFUL: STARTING HERE
Kurt, basically. Kurt was my saving grace. You know, I ran across the klaine-edits Tumblr months ago, and I distinctly remember thinking, "Who would ever want that?" Now it all makes sense.

Round I: Starting with their adorable pajama party (yes!), continuing with his entire perfect reaction to Rachel's announcement -- namely, "Shut up," and "OK, I'm going home right now to yell at Finn because this is insane" -- and the fact that he shuts right up when she counters with what if it was Blaine? Yes, please. Can I hijack this section for my own purposes and say that Kurt and Blaine are the only ones I believe have a future after high school? Always have been.

Much as I pushed for Sam and Quinn and still would not argue it, I knew they had expiration date. Even Mike and Tina, while they would not surprise me, don't grab me the same way. I still like my dreams of Jesse & Rachel in New York -- that's doomed six ways from Sunday in any universe. But I can't honestly envision a future world that isn't Blaine And Kurt. They fit, they lock together just so, and the simple fact that I, champion of the anti-slash, have been amenable to them since the beginning suggests the strength of their foundation.

I am jinxing myself because nobody, not even the Very Special Interest Group Couple, gets to be happy forever. This is going to end in tears (mine). And yet, here I sit, stubbornly believing in their love like nobody's business. I would not hate the engagement storyline any less if it were them, I just really, really liked having the idea forced front and center. Even if I continue to feel lukewarm about using words like "husband" in this case and more like, "So domestic partnerships, those are cool."

Round II: Oh, there's the part between brothers I was looking for last week. Favorite scene of the night. Even more than all the nice things he said about Finn, my favorite part was in reference to loving Rachel despite her crazy and telling Finn he'd be lucky to marry her. Emphasis on someday.

But as much as I appreciate how you're trying to get Finn to stand on his own two feet, and you needed to say it as much as he needed to hear it, all I have ever wanted him to be is the guy who holds Rachel's purse on the red carpet.

And/or running Burt's shop.

Also: Confirmation that Sam is living with Finn and Kurt, and as saddened as I am that it's not the super inappropriate scenario with Rachel, I am way enchanted by the idea of so many Glee kids all living together. Burt is the best.

In Conclusion: Yeah, hi there, second worst.

Up Next: Oh, I fully expect another slog through hell just like this one, but with Brittana instead of Ricky Martin. That's okay. The two episodes before Regionals last year were legendarily sucky too. Besides, I just found the episode summary for 3x14 and it is amazing. With potential for one branch of the storyline to suck, but I'm focusing on the amazing.

P.S. In totally unrelated news, a blurry Tumblr close-up has just identified Mockingjay as one of Blaine's books, and as disappointing as that is, I can't help but notice there are also a couple of books beside it with library stickers on them. Naturally, my head is all Blaine + library sales now. #be more perfect

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