Now available in an extra-long edition! I have too much fun with this.
Preliminary Thoughts: This year, it seems like the horrible hip-hop/general awfulness stranglehold has given way to a more even demonstration of different genres. A lot of them are boring (Adele, why won't you go away), but at least they're respectable. I feel like there might be hope this awards show.
Also, I've skimmed through a couple of the non-televised awards, and the most relevant fact so far is that Taylor Swift has taken home two statues for "Mean," including Country Song Of The Year. TRUTH.
(Past Me: Is it 2012 yet so Taylor Swift can go back to taking over the world?)
7:01: Bruce Springsteen? I am already liking this opening way more than last year.
7:06: Whitney Houston tribute begins. Prayer?? Wow. No separation of church and entertainment? I am impressed. Whoa, whoa, actual prayer, "Heavenly Father" and everything. My mind: blown.
7:07: Ugh, except her version of "I Will Always Love You" is one of the five worst non-rap songs in history. The clip is singlehandedly making me feel less sad about her passing. Muting this ear assault right now.
But I was reminded today that she is also responsible for "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." This song was the opening number for my all time favorite dance recital, the one where all the competition kids age 6-18 came together for a huge group performance, and it always brings me back to my happy place of summer 1997.
7:11: Bruno Mars? Oh, hell to the no. *mutes* My ever-deepening hatred of the sleeping potion that constitutes his music has been growing by the month since last year's Grammys, when I was blisfully unaware of his name. And he looks weird, too. *cheap but satisfying shot*
7:20: Never fails. Every February, CBS gets all weirdly and inappropriately personal about health care exams.
7:21: "One of our favorite Etta classics." There is no such thing. *muting yet again*
7:23: First award finally comes out: Best Pop Solo. Bored of you, Adele; the hell with Gaga; I'd say the hell with Katy Perry but Firework is her one quality number; SHUT UP BRUNO THAT WHINY SONG IS SO AWFUL (of course you'd take a grenade! death > significant other dying!), and oh dear god please why isn't Pink winning this, even if they're using the original and inferior asterisk-version title of "Perfect."
**Also, why have we suddenly stopped differentiating male and female performances? Uncool. Screw your category overhaul.
7:24: Someone Like You wins. Of course it does. Look, I'm sorry, but it is boring. Better her than the three I listed after her, though. I should be happy with a second position pick.
7:25: Chris Brown! Apparently people are rageful about him performing here again. Meh, I still remember 2007 (starting at 1:30, highlight at 2:41); I believe I'll listen to him on principle. It'll be terrible, but I'll listen.
7:35: Hard to imagine categories more pointless than "Best Rap Performance," since they all sound identical. I assume you just vote for whoever swears least.
7:36: Kanye West could not be here tonight, you say? Excellent.
7:37: Reba! Ageless and beautiful.
7:38: *perks up* Kelly Clarkson, could you please be relevant to my musical life again? Apparently not. I think I've heard this one on the radio (Don't You Wanna Stay); it's nice enough but I have no particular feelings about it.
7:42: I love this commercial w/ the acoustic guitar girl singing "Billionaire." It is so much better than every cover I have ever heard. Make it exist. It makes me want to slum it at coffeehouses or wherever it is that girls like this supposedly perform all the time.
7:47: ...I'm sorry, when were the Foo Fighters an indie band? Also, this is some incredibly generic Music From A Band right here, plus a whole lot of unnecessary, mind-numbing screaming. Two minutes in I had to mute it before I needed aspirin.
7:53: Dear girl on the bus in the commercial: nobody is more hated than a person wearing ear buds who starts singing along to the music in public. Nobody.
7:56: Barbados, will you take Rihanna back? And then maybe lock your borders down so she can't escape?
7:57: YELLOW DIAMONDS IN THE LIGHT! Shoot, I love Glee's cover of "We Found Love" so much that for the first time ever, I'm going to have to give her some credit and watch this one. Even if she is sporting what looks like a horrible blonde wig with awful roots.
7:59: Amended: maybe I should just listen to it and not watch her weird pelvic gyrations. This is so much cuter when the kids are all scatterd about a pool with synchronized swimmers making them look good. This is a happy proposal song, not a gross sex dance! That's it, I can't look directly at it anymore.
Of course, not watching also emphasizes how much better Glee's cover is.
8:01: Does Rihanna have a HAND TATTOO? Jesus, you think she can't look like more of a skank, and yet she always pulls it off.
8:08: I am fascinated by this [Chipotle] commercial. It makes me smile, and I want to own the tiny little set with all its adorable scenery and figurines. Super Bowl commercial worthy, really.
But the Willie Nelson cover of "The Scientist" is so gratingly awful it makes me want to rip my ears off.
8:09: In contrast, I just keep hoping that Sofia Vergara will die in her sleep. I need her out of my face.
8:11: Pauley Perrette presenting! With an unimportant football player or two. I didn't even watch the Super Bowl this year.
8:13: Best Rock Performance. I have never heard of any of these songs. Based on the quick clips, it doesn't seem like a great loss.
8:15: Foo Fighters win. I just heard something about how music isn't about sounding perfectly correct, the way a computer can fix it, it's about what goes on in your heart. I disagree. Of course it's about sounding your best. That's why CDs are always better than live music. (exception, Darren Criss)
8:16: Oh hey Seacrest, haven't seen you in a while. I forget how classically attractive you are, in that weird sculpted-in-a-laboratory-to-look-perfect android way.
8:17: World, I have a question for you: why do we let Adam Levine be a thing?
8:23: Sorry, I fell asleep for a while there, woke up to jarring sight of The Senior Citizens Jam Band. I like select tracks of the Beach Boys as much as anyone (Good Vibrations is not one of them), but the Grammys are about beauty and youth and flash, or occasionally revered and respected women. Not old men. Ladies are forever (Madonna not included), dudes become irrelevant.
8:24: I mean, it's better than a lot of performances tonight, but not quite good.
8:31: Got sidetracked downstairs during commercials. What'd I miss? I see Stevie Wonder is at the microphone, so I imagine the answer is nothing.
8:35: McCartney, you're boring it up tonight.
8:37: Best R&B album: again, irrelevant. We could be awarding country music and watching Taylor Swift be precious during this slot.
8:38: Chris Brown wins! I don't really care at all, but boy do I look forward to watching the internet explode. p.s. god, his chest tattoos are nasty.
8:39: I love The Civil Wars in principle, though I find in practice that I have little patience for their music outside of "Poison and Wine." But half of the duo is Joy Williams, whom I adore on her own. And heh -- "We'd like to thank all our opening acts. Especially that very promising kid from Liverpool." This number, once again, isn't exactly great but also isn't terrible.
8:40: THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW
8:45: To recap what happened in my head as Taylor Swift ran her performance and I shut up to gaze in awe: I love Mean! Unlike that horrible time You Belong With Me was winning all the awards, "Mean" is a legitimately great song. She sounded better singing live than she ever has, and I loved the country attire on everyone, especially her little prairie dress. Standing ovation for "Someday, I'll be singing this at the Grammys."
My eyes are still sparkling with wonder and awe and inability to process how much Taylor Swift is somehow always the best part of any awards show at which she performs. It has been a long and tiring night, but at last, something truly worthwhile has made the grade. Up to this point, Kelly Clarkson was the frontrunning moment and Rihanna was next best.
8:48: In terrible commercial news, my ears bleed every time "We Are Young" is not performed by Glee. Need Quinn's angelic voice on "Carry me home tonight," sorry. Never mind just generally better voices on the verses.
8:50: Neil Patrick Harris, the light of my comedic life. No, stay here and talk more, I love your face.
8:51: Song of the Year. I don't know any of these except Grenade, which I loathe to an insane degree, and Rolling in the Deep, which I grudgingly allow as a Jesse/Rachel song and even more grudgingly allow that the existence of background music makes it somewhat better than Glee's cover. So good for her. What it mostly is, though, is "a song you like singing along to, maybe someday somebody will cover it well."
8:52: Katy Perry on deck. *eyeballs* The mute button depends what you're singing...darn, I do not totally hate "E.T." Because it's clearly based on Doctor Who.
8:53: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
8:54: Oh -- it seems like that was planned, in order to spend more time on some sort of bizarre sex dungeon number, for a song I don't recognize and am trying to evaluate on the fly. As far as I can hear, it's not outright objectionable but she's whining about something, maybe how awesome she is despite how people are mean to her. When will people stop paying attention? The dancing is getting increasingly creepy; I need to leave now.
8:57: Oh thank god Miranda Lambert. On SVU she recently proved as boring an actress as a singer/person in general, but at least she provides a countermeasure of normalcy to whatever the hell we just saw.
8:58: Now presenting Best Country Album. I will cause a ruckus if the one they broadcast is the one Taylor doesn't win. Speak Now is almost as good as her last album; I've made my peace with the few tracks that flop...but somehow, right now, I also don't expect her to win. [and she doesn't.]
Screw you, Lady Antebellum. All the hate up in here. I choose to believe it's because the vast majority of "Speak Now" represented a straightforward pop album and mostly was not very country at all.
9:02: It does not seem like this is possible, but the Hunger Games movie almost looks worse than the book. (p.s. TEAM GALE FOR LIFE.)
9:06: Adele. Why are you a capella-ing Rolling in the Deep? I JUST talked about how this is the reason Glee's cover fails. There, that's better.
9:10: I guess that wasn't bad. Actually, by far the best song she could have done, if she had to perform, and probably third best of the night overall. I can't stop staring at her two-pound eyelashes, though.
9:14: Now seems like a good, random time to talk about how "Glee: Volume 4" was nominated but lost in a category they apparently have for "Best Compilation Soundtrack for Visual Media," and I don't understand how anyone competes against Glee and wins. Or I didn't, until I checked it out of the library today and realized it is a whole lot of dreck, with only I Want to Hold Your Hand (maybe), One Of Us, Lucky, and Forget You standing out as truly quality numbers. So the better question is, why was this the CD that got nominated? It's literally the worst of their entire collection, Power of Madonna & Rocky Horror Glee EPs notwithstanding.
9:16: Taylor Swift is back! I am fascinated by her odd choice of formal dress. It is mostly pretty, but the plain fabric over the upper chest looks like a piece of paper where someone rubbed a greasy piece of chicken until it turned clear.
9:20: If Taylor's not part of this country folk tribute, I just don't know what it's doing.
9:24: Genuinely have no idea who Glenn Campell is.
9:30: You know what I actually like best about this year's show? Lady Gaga hasn't said a word and we've barely even seen her.
9:32: Tony Bennett is the most boring person on earth. This song is even worse.
9:33: I feel like we always ask this question about at least half the nominees, but hasn't Bon Iver been around for a while? Still, I think I vaguely approve of them winning for some reason. Certainly better them than Minaj.
9:36: Grammy Foundation chatter about the importance of music in schools. As much as I think schools waste a ton of the money they so desperately beg for year after year on stupid-ass things, music programs pretty much have a free pass to collect all the money they want.
9:43: Jennifer Hudson, you are just as bad as having Whitney herself sing. *mute*
9:47: Just heard something awful on my TV during commercials. Looked over, was not surprised to see it was Bruno Mars.
9:49: The local news keeps obsessing about how we're going to meet the man who saved Adele's voice ("Music's Miracle Doctor") after the Grammys. I have officially lost all interest.
9:52: Chris Brown can go away now. I've had my fun.
9:55: There is so much confusing noise and migraine-inducing light flashing on my screen right now. Why are the Foo Fighters back?
9:57: Apparently there's an artist called Deadmau5, which is pronounced Dead Mouse, and it is genuinely going to give me nightmares/seems like the kind of thing that should be featured on Criminal Minds.
9:58: The only thing worse than this is the mindless bunch of groupies with mouse ears. People are freaks.
10:04: I keep forgetting, is Drake the classy rapper, or does he just do a good imitation in a suit?
10:05: Apparently Ms. Minaj has the performance that everyone will be talking about. But not me, because I'm muting it. Not even curious.
10:07: *glances over, more out of habit than curiosity* Oh, I see. I guess she's aiming for controversial blasphemy? Still bored/not impressed; unmuted for five seconds and decided that was a poor decision. It's like someone is punishing me for making that comment about a Gaga-free Grammys.
[edit: someone just called her out on "celebrity trolling." awesome.]
10:10: Record Of The Year: Adele is again the only good option here. Woo!
10:15: Sofia Vergara is now in what I think is her fourth unique company commercial. At this point I can officially call her a whore, right?
10:20: Album of the Year: yeah, hating everyone here except Adele. You awarded Taylor Swift once, you can be classy again! Legit scared right here, just because there's a lot of diversity all of a sudden and they might want to highlight someone new --
-- AND THEN SHE WON THEM AAAAAAAALLLL. #6grammysandaperformance
10:21: It is actually kind of adorable how she's crying right now. Oh gosh, I think over the past three hours, I have been brainwashed into the cult of almost liking Adele. My hate at the beginning seems so foreign to me now, I can't quite remember what I was thinking when I wrote it.
10:24: Paul McCartney, classy sendoff choice. Playing nothing that sounds familiar, but that's cool. I very much respect the theme of classiness that prevailed tonight. Good triumphs over evil.
10:26: So I've been hanging on Tumblr for the past 90 minutes, the fastest-paced liveblog of them all, and favorite Tumbl so far is: Adele is like the Modern Family of the music industry
10:31: They are playing Rolling in the Deep over the end credits. Odd - I find I like this.
10:32: Time to bust out Glee's Rumour Has It/Someone Like You and see if if I can admit it to my Acceptable Playlist after all. [edit: done. in one play.]
One more Glee reference?
I put way too much thought into things no one reads.