Survivor, episode 6
"This is the best thing that has ever happened on this show."
Declaration made as soon as Colton was eliminated by medical from the game, immediately trumping about seven different awesome winners, Ozzy's last run, and the entire season that Stephen Fishbach was on. Karma! Magic! The existence of God! Anything is possible when the most hateful person in the game is struck down and struck down early.
Generally speaking, the only way to get me to like someone awful is to make them sick. And even that didn't work with him, other than making me feel just enough sympathy to appreciate Christina coddling him**. I mean really, how many times in life do you say to yourself, "God, I hope he has appendicitis"? But more importantly, how many times do you meet someone awful on Survivor, desperately want them to be gone through any means necessary, and then HAVE IT HAPPEN? Everyone is so excited, we can't contain it. The only thing that would have been better would have been to actually vote Alicia out next, but instead we have a merge, for incomprehensible reasons other than the producers going "oh crap, our paint-eggs totally failed at making interesting new tribes. Abort mission!"
**Prior to that point, I was literally staring at the screen with my mouth open watching middle school bullying happen. "You can jump in that fire"?? I can never believe that bullying is a thing, as opposed to an urban legend the internet just whines about a lot, so it's extra baffling when I see it happen. Is this a staged scene? Who says this to another adult?
I was already having trouble understanding how the snubbing of Christina began in the first place, but watching the conversation with Alicia was like watching Bill all over again, where you are seeing it happen and still literally don't understand how one sentence leads to the next. I think we should have another approximate transcript:
Christina: I notice there seems to be a lot of space over where you are, and I'm falling off the edge. Can you scoot over?
Alicia: That part's for my shadow to sleep on.
Christina: Right, but it's really uncomfortable/painful for me. Like, six inches would be great.
Alicia: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A DEMANDING BITCH! MOVE SIX INCHES, HELP ME GET WATER FOR THE TRIBE, DO YOU EVER JUST DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF ANNOYING EVERYONE?
Sassy Gay Friend, Evil Version: Lol, I know, she's so stupid. Aren't you, you stupid commoner?
Christina: I understand that you're comfortable where you are, but I would really appreciate being able to rest up for the team challenge tomorrow. That you and I are competing on together. Against the other team.
Alicia: GO KILL YOURSELF.
At least it ended up being extremely clear how much integrity Classy Christina has. I'm bumping her back up to a not-so-distant, very solid 3rd-place favorite now that she has the ghost of a fighting chance. Could probably pass Chelsea with a little more time.
Unrelated to the above: I love coconut-throwing challenges, I enjoy delicious-food rewards, and I'm still laughing at Kat not knowing what appendicitis is. I don't know how it's possible to not know this.
P.S. I'm watching it again, just to really revel in every snobby thing Colton says when you know he's going to get what's coming to him, and: "You can jump in the fire and be medevacced, whatever's more convenient for you." Oh snap!
Dear Scarves and Coffee,
I just want to browse the Character Death tag in peace without rejecting eighteen Hunger Games crossovers and 57 other AU versions along the way. Why are you so obsessed with alternate storylines, fandom? I came on here to cry and so far I have only found one that even remotely fits the bill. Ooh, maybe if I narrow it to "completed" that will bring up the oneshots faster...ahh, yeah, there we go. There's the tears. Tears are wonderful when you get to indulge them with stories and they aren't related to anything happening in your life.
This is my favorite so far, by a landslide. I have to take a break every couple of paragraphs, and as soon as I manage to calm down and dry my eyes, the next paragraph inevitably sets me off.
"I wanted it with you. I wanted all this with you."
(Subconsciously, I am pretty sure what I'm doing here is building up an emotional defense against the horrible, no-good, very bad idea of a canon breakup. IT WILL FEEL LIKE DYING. Everything they are, dies. Some new boy goes sauntering away with one of them, and I'm dead. So. I'm preparing against the slightest possibility. With mangled Doctor Who quotes.)
[edit: I tried reading it again this morning, assuming it would not have the same power now that I knew all the lines. I thought wrong.]