Dear Survivor: I am disappoint in your voting antics in this week. Not least because every time Jay optimistically talked about Kim & Chelsea being his final two girls (a/k/a a description of PERFECTION, if not for the fact that he might have a good chance of winning over Kim in that scenario), it ended with me whimpering and clapping my hands over my ears in denial about this obvious not-going-to-happen setup. Made worse by the fact that Chelsea having the audacity to voice similar regrets apparently caused everyone to label her a weak link traitor wimp. (SHUT UP, ALICIA) Kim's continued ability to mastermind is great and all, but...I just wanted to see Troy go.
Meanwhile I STILL can't figure out which celebrity Kim reminds me of, but she looks really familiar and it's driving me nuts. Any light, nvrbnkisst?
Gossip Girl, 5x19, "It Girl, Interrupted"
Oh, this is the one I was looking forward to! On account of those pretty pink-dress/tiara promo pics that assured everyone Dan and Blair would definitely be okay at least up until this point (and now that safety net is gone, o well). They're finally going to give me a Gossip Girl icon -- debating between first and third here.
I could live with a Chuck who behaves himself, hangs out in the shadows and quietly supports Blair with checks and no laudation. That should, in fact, be his entire function in life. Like Dan, but deserving of his lack of love. I love that she just didn't want to let go of the idea of being a princess. I love that Dan is completely unflappable -- he cannot be flapped, I tell you -- and refuses to have any emotions re: Blair's sketchy behavior until he has conducted a thorough background investigation for possible causes and confirmed it with the queen herself.
And mostly, I love him creating a scenario for her to be a princess for the day. Using costume shop cubic zirconia crowns, because everything about this relationship is perfect. BRB, watching that on loop forever to help scrub away the memories of last week. THIS is what I came for and this alone.
Relationships that are not perfect: Rufus/Lily. Ugh. I came into this thinking how nice it was to have parallel Humphrey/Rich Girl relationships, and how maybe it was too easy to expect that to live on, but I really liked the idea of Dan having ideal role model footsteps in which to follow. I'd probably be more upset if Lily wasn't, turning into the most awful woman in the world before my very eyes. I thought it was just my biased ears that thought tricking Ivy into moving out of the apartment sounded horrible, but if her husband is going to back me up...
In the race for runner-up most awful person, Serena is doing a pretty good job defending her crown. What I don't understand, and have never understood about this show, is how Gossip Girl controls their lives. It seems like if you don't want to be exposed for doing scandalous things, you could just stop doing scandalous things. Go ahead, Gigi! Tell the world how I was spotted buying chocolate at K-Mart today! Shock everyone with how many times I have visited the library this month! Honestly, it seems like at least 50% of their problems could be solved by just not going to parties. Not even the classy grown-up kind. #wise lessons from an outsider even more innocent than Lola
[edit: here is where I meant to have a paragraph condemning Serena and her bizarre plan to trick Lola into being a sacrificial lamb, but that ended up resolving itself very nicely, evidently because Lola is rubber and Serena is glue, only instead of insults bouncing off the former, it's bad luck that she magically repels]
Speaking of Lola, I am too distracted to care about her launch to fame because all I can think about it how delightful and charming Nate is, and also maybe how awesome Elizabeth Hurley is in this particular role of Evil Cougar, and maybe a little touch of how this might be the first older woman/younger guy relationship in the history of TV I could handle. They have wickedly good chemistry.
But at the end of the day, I probably just really enjoy watching Nate work as an extraordinarily competent executive while dressed in fetching suits. How old is everyone on this show supposed to be, anyway? Because I refuse to buy that they are any younger than their mid-20s, but that does not fit with what I seem to recall about them starting the series in high school.
How I Met Your Mother, 7x20, "Trilogy Time"
I don't know why everyone's hating on this. I thought it was really funny except when Quinn was on the screen. It's a lot less aggravating to show text that says "for real" than to reset your story by saying, oh I don't know, "boogie boarding." I loved getting to revisit parts of the past (such as that awesome time Barney and Robin were dating on the sly), especially seeing Marshall's ridiculous lawyer costumes and various versions of Pregnant Lily, all of which were bested by the various hilarious incarnations of random Mrs. Mosbys played by Robin.
It made me wish I had my own tradition of thinking about the future every 3 years. (Although honestly, my 23-year-old self probably did assume I would still be in exactly the same spot in life, with nothing changed except the fact that I earn a regular paycheck now. Of sorts.)
The random guy ruining his marriage over an obsession with the Well Dressed Man across the street made me howl. So did everyone's outraged response to Barney trying to earn sympathy for needing to assert his dominance as a man. (thanks for reminding me why I think people moving in together without at least engagement rings is stupid, though! I was starting to forget) Robin wearing the Storm Trooper suit/breaking expensive lamps to silently vent her feelings about Barney's future tramp fantasies: also priceless.
The only thing I didn't see the point of in this one were the back boobs, because I'm pretty sure that's already a term and it's not nearly as sexy as it sounds. Also, wouldn't it just kind of make you think of cow udders? Also not sexy.
Finally, count me as shocked and awed and delighted that they boldly stamped down when Daughter Mosby is going to be born -- and so relatively soon! And by that I mean, "Ted holding a tiny baby made my day." Feel sudden need to make a list of TV's Most Eligible Fictional Bachelors and put him near the top.
CSI, 12x20, "Altered Stakes"
Not much to say for the last episode (is nice when Sara bonds with children, less nice when they turn out to be the criminals), but I very much enjoyed this. Wonderful focus on Nick, excellent use of Detective Hotpants (I mean Danny. I mean what's-his-character name as portrayed by Enrique Murciano). You had to line up a whole bunch of ducks just right to bring him back after two seasons and link him to Dt. Vega. So much effort in your backstory, I love it.
BEST OF ALL: bringing in an adorable Labrador, even careful to make sure you got a white-muzzled one to plausibly make her eight years older than she was at the time of the case, and allowing Nick to pet and fuss over her. There was literally no reason whatsoever the dog needed to be there for what amounted to a revisited witness interview -- in fact, one might even say she should not have been there, as I didn't think crime labs routinely invited in animals that were not directly carrying evidence -- but that just makes it more impressive.
Got quite a kick out of Hodges and his Italian opera background. Pleased to see he's retained his less-annoying side and Malice in Wonderland was not a passing fluke.
No comment on softball, the idiot pastime of workplaces everywhere, but appreciate your attempt to shine a quick spotlight on Henry and/or show the characters in a lighthearted setting not once but twice.
Community, 3x15, "Origins of Vampire Mythology"
Oh geeze, is this ever the week for the blonde/brunette girl friendships in my life to take off, or what? Caroline and Max, Karen and Ivy (but I'm a week behind on Smash), Quinn and Rachel, and now Britta and Annie with their sisterly bonding (I choose to believe that behind Britta's overt manipulation lay a grain of truthful truthiness). This stuff is like crack to me. Forget all the ships, I just want the girls to hang out more!
I mean, still feel free to have Annie blatantly ogling Shirtless Jeff and them later gazing schmoopily at each other on the side. I'm not knocking that, by any means.
Troy and Abed didn't do a great deal for me, as that storyline plummeted into a painful and unfunny zone as soon as Annie started texting, but I got a kick out of "I need help reacting to something." I hope it becomes some sort of Tumblr meme.
Loved absolutely everything about Jeff and Shirley at the carnival, including Jeff's increasingly manic obsession with learning the source of Blade's magic head-messing powers. Also, I need to know where one can find an electric blue plush horse like the one Chang was toting around. It looks awesome. The Glee fandom found Kurt's puppy in about five seconds flat -- do you want to be shown up by Glee? Because your Christmas episode tells me that would be a sore spot with you.
The cheesy friendship music video portion was also a nice touch.
And if you didn't click on my spoiler cut before , you should know that I have been unable to stop staring at it and, despite the minimal role it played in the episode, I want all the little dalmatians even more. NOW YOU HAVE TWO CHALLENGES, FANDOM.
The Office, 8x20, Welcome Party
QUICK, TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE: Does Stanley have a mustache? I said yes, even though my instinct is never to disagree with Jim.
I win! Excellent use of a teaser. Except now I really want there to be a whole episode subplot devoted to an office party game featuring trivia about their coworkers. Like "Trivia," but good.
The entire Andy/Erin subplot seemed like something you could have cut out of the episode with no issues, so that's exactly what I did. The only part I did manage to see more than three seconds of was when the justifiably angry family mob chased him out of the cabin, screaming and throwing things, which was fantastic because I currently hate him more than I have hated him since season 7. Also, with that nasty giggle of hers at the end, as if she somehow didn't realize how horrible what they just did was (I will take a thousand Karens crying by fountains over this), Erin cemented herself as a fucking bitch. If she weren't brain damaged, I'm pretty sure she'd be a Mean Girl bully. It's like they were actively trying to sabotage any hope of me tolerating this rekindled relationship.
That is about seven times as much text as I wanted to spend on them, so can we instead talk more about how wonderful Jim and Pam and Nellie (and maybe Dwight) were? First Jim and Pam with their mirror talking-heads, then their gleefully exchanged party-prank-plans, and how Pam just trusts Jim at his word without any further explanation, even when it sounds crazy, and follows through as requested? Because, my heart.
I want all of the Andy scenes replaced with more Nellie scenes, stat. As if I needed more reasons to adore her, now they've gone and given her a legitimately heartbreaking backstory -- which far outstrips any emotional manipulation they ever did with Michael, Holly included. I was already cracking up at all the moving antics, but then that came along and made it even better.
AND THE PARTY. Jim's bewildered face when everyone starts insulting Pam until he catches on. Nellie's beautiful face while Jim does everything possible to subtly defend her by merrily sabotaging the magician even at the expense of losing credibility with Robert. (and this is why he's my favorite and I really must stop leaving him off lists identifying my favorite male characters on TV)
I even found the Party Planning Committee's catty bitchiness exceptionally delightful for once. Their decision to collectively turn on Pam actually bemused rather than infuriated me for once! What is this delight?? I am starting to get the usefulness of the other plot; apparently it was meant to divert all the hatred and suckiness into a black hole that could be sealed off and stored out of sight.
In conclusion: half awful and half magnificent. How to feel??
P.S. Can we stop talking about "rebooting" this show like Scrubs if it gets renewed? It's making me nervous that they're even questioning its renewal status, and that was before I heard about all the contracts ready to fly out the window. There are exactly five people who would keep me watching this show (Jim, Pam, Kelly, Ryan, Nellie), but if it was just one or two of them versus a bunch of unknowns and unlikable people...I have to imagine this show would quickly devolve into something like torture unless they were very lucky re: casting. But nothing would make me collapse on myself faster than removing exactly one Halpert from the mix. That's the only thing I am really afraid of at this point. Scrubs split its most stable OTPs for season 9...
Oh, and good news: when you find part II of this post tomorrow, I promise it will have at least 90% fewer scissor references. Although I am trying to decide if I should hold out hope that either they'll fix this, offer an opt-out or somebody will come up with magic code, or if I should put all my effort into creating fake cuts for my short-term sanity, which could develop into a long-term headache if it gets fixed later and then I have double vision on all the parentheses.