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I was clicking around related links on Amazon, and I somehow landed on the most awesomely horrible title I have ever seen in ebook publishing: Reunited With Her Rapist. It only gets better when you check the summary and/or reviews. Quality writing like this, guys, it's rare. At only 99 cents, this is obviously the bargain of a lifetime. RS: introducing your brain to horrors since 2012.
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30 Rock's second-ever live episode wasn't super funny...I really only remember howling at Jon Hamm in the racist sketch, adoring Donald Glover's appearance, and Hazel being forever hysterical. (oh, and then snarling at the kiss happening over the ending credits; my eyeballs are still soaking in bleach.) I watched both versions to see if I could pull more out, but all I really got was that I preferred the West Coast's Brian Williams, whose fantastic attitude about this show never fails to endear him to me, to more Jon Hamm. The East Coast remained superior for Tina Fey's Jenna/Hazel flub, though, and the fact that Paul McCartney > Kim Kardashian. That's not even a slightly equivalent celeb reveal.

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The Office, 8x22, "Fundraiser"

The teaser made no sense and I have no idea why Ryan apparently wanted someone to pay attention to his ~intense emotional pain~ over Smokey Robinson's alleged death. But I'm always happy whenever Jim and Pam join forces to gang up on Ryan and screw with him. Pam, especially, always seems to take such unholy pleasure in it.

(**note: my fingers slipped and forgot to type "with" at first. Changed the whole meaning of the end of this paragraph.)

Now let's stop and look at the episode summary: Andy crashes a fundraiser for the Senator and winds up adopting twelve disabled dogs.

Do you see all the ways for this to go right? They could have spent the entire or at least half of the episode featuring precious cuties with white muzzles or missing limbs, maybe scooting around in wheelchairs -- like, maybe each one could have been led across the stage, or they could have played a video of the dogs at the shelter and skipped Robert's speech. They could have shown everyone who adopted a dog interacting with it, instead of just Kevin (because when Kevin is part of the best scene in an episode, the world is wrong. Dog was super cute though). They could have at least picked a cute dog to play Bella, instead of that hideous little rat for whom I can muster up no sympathy or desire to save.

Instead they decided to go with "let's turn the horrific secondhand embarrassment factor up to 11," with a dash of "annoying and obnoxious." Kevin needs to stop talking. Robert needs to stop appearing in episodes. Oscar, the lonely and aging monster, also needs to stop talking. And what was Erin's horrified face at the idea of her boyfriend bringing home a bunch of dogs she'll end up helping to care for? Only one of those dogs looked ugly and incontinent to me. And no, it is not feasible or sane to care for that many, but your primary feeling should be excitement at the prospect of gaining at least a couple while you try to figure out how to re-home the rest.

Nellie was great as always, but I don't need Darryl being a jerk, or ridiculous scenes of her awkwardly eating tacos. (there's a reason I have hated tacos my whole life. Even as I child, I was mad at my peers for requesting food that was so messy and hard to eat, i.e. made you look stupid trying, and didn't even taste that good)

Pretty much the only things that went right: Pam evidently having succeeded in her quest to get Jim to watch things like Downton Abbey after his rejection of Cranford, Angela's hair looking gorgeous, Andy petting the beautiful Golden Retreiver, and the David Wallace cameo. I think the entire fandom's face lit up at once on that one.

I will now be hanging out in the AU where nobody takes Andy as a serious threat, but then he proves Dwight right and takes advantage of their lack of suspicion to open fire. I'm just saying, Jim and Pam are right there in the first line of fire. It'd be easy to aim at Dwight and miss.

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House, 8x18, "Body and Soul"

Gross hints at Chase/Park are gross, faith vs. science arguments are surprisingly dull, I still want to know how the kid was levitating, and can we just talk about the ending now please? I have a lot of feelings I want to unpack about Dominika and the entire inevitable yet tragic course of the storyline tonight (his face, my heart, sharp pains, good work), but I really can't focus on that because although I read about the vague but distressed outcry over this episode's end, I had no idea it was going to be about Wilson and a cancer reveal.

Noooooooooooooo! One, I have ONE character I have fiercely loved with my whole entire heart for the whole entire series. One character I genuinely like. (even House is kinda back-and-forth, and even Martha did not inspire much more than general shallow delight at having her around) One character whom I am not eager to personally subject to my usual litany of pain and anguish-filled scenarios to see how they handle it, especially not now with the series ending and all bets being off and this show being legendary for choosing unhappy endings. Can I just curl up in a fetal position and cry?

Post-promo: ...ohmygodthisepisodewillbethebestthingever. *grabby hands* (now less than 24 hours away, woo!)

And now that I've had a day to think about it, I can handle this. I can live with the idea of them ultimately killing off Wilson. It would fit the show's tone, it would fit all those times I seriously said that various season finales would have been okay as emotionally devastating series finales. Maybe now that I've said it, it won't come true.

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Apparently if I don't watch Gossip Girl first every week, I forget about it entirely. Quick, rectify!

Both of the last two blurred together in my head when watched back to back, so let's go with thought clumps for Salon of the Dead & Despicable B.

* Dan and Blair quietly remain perfection. And then my heart soared beyond the stratosphere at explicit reference to being traded for a hotel and not wanting to live behind the scenes in her relationships anymore. The distant, anguished howls of rage I hear from the losing leg of the triangle are so delicious, it's actually almost more fun than basking in our actual canon scenes of perfection.

(As evidenced by the fact that I'm already incredibly fuzzy on what else happened with them. I definitely remember a comfort hug that spiked my interest meter, but...eh, that's okay. The less I talk about now, the more I'll have to flail about in summer or next year when I go on shipping tours and rediscover everything.)

* I'm busy deciding whether I love to hate or just hate Lily at this point. I feel like if I'd been watching this show for years, I would have been using her and Rufus as surrogate Dan/Blair nonstop (I already kind of do that, even when there's no need), and I'd probably be having panic attacks by now. Mixed with the fact that she is currently thisclose to being as repulsive as Chuck Bass, and that just should not be possible.

* Really fascinated by all the family drama, though. And busy feeling heartbroken for Ivy. Though why you'd rip up a million dollar check out of integrity is beyond me. In hopes of family, I understood, but once Lily makes it very clear she wants nothing to do with you...I mean, take the money and run. Unless your plan is to patch things up with the younger Rhodes girls.

* Chuck's family drama is still shockingly compelling. I don't understand why, but it is. I still don't know who half the characters are, and yet I'm intrigued by the mystery parentage. At least 50% of it is because I want to know why his pedigree is so important for us to hear about in the first place.

* Yeah, I haven't accepted Nate/Lola being over. Still waiting for him to show up at her door and apologize. I am incapable of understanding why everyone's mad at her in the first place. Because yes, obviously, she should have had the foresight to know that Diana was going to randomly blurt out that she was Chuck's mother. She absolutely should have censored that live stream! Is the explanation that she shouldn't have been live-streaming it in the first place? Because, again, it seems like reasonable retaliation to spread whatever truths Serena might have voluntarily dropped, given that she's been spreading hateful lies.

* Remember that time I thought Nate & Diana might have some chemistry? Funny how I still think that, based on the sheer amount of combined attractiveness between them, and yet I was busy looking ill and trying to keep my lunch down while that little hookup happened. Oh, I am not OK to be exposed to a world where people get shirtless and make out intensely in front of my eyes. Nope. I will never be old enough for that.

* Why is this show such a source of endless fascination for me?? I might actually give it an A on the State of the Networks report card. Gross. Someone tell me to at least put in a minus sign for general trashiness, please.

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Finally remembered to watch GCB again this week. I literally cannot put into words how much I love Carlene. CONDOS FOR CHRISTIAN LIVING. That is all. (Stupid discrimination laws.)

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