Gossip Girl, season 5 finale
Before I ragestroke out, I just want to capture a bit of brilliance from the TWoP recap that made me laugh in spite of myself, because it is absolutely accurate:
Nothing is true and everything is up for grabs and the shippers are melting down and the whole thing is just a glorious trainwreck on fire.
Confession: I actually got spoiled with the words "Dair is done" in black and white from Ausiello before watching this. I almost skipped it on principle, but decided to torture myself by watching it anyway. Glad I did, as there was a lot going on I didn't know about and I still kind of refuse to believe the show is really shutting the door that definitively until the series is over, but...yeah, it was not fun. I learned of lot of lessons about Best/Worst things.
People Who Are The Worst: Bart, Lily, Chuck, Serena, Dan and possibly Blair. Wow, who wouldn't want to watch a show with so much going for it?
Bart: I am as shocked as anything that Chuck Bass actually sprang forth from someone worse. I of course have no context for this, as I am like a special amnesiac where everything before episode 100 has been lost, and even I was sitting there pulling faces and being like "...this seems off. Why am I feeling sorry for Chuck? That can't be right. He actually sort of looks...vulnerable?"
Chuck: Then he deals with his vulnerability by informing Blair that he doesn't want to be Mr. Blair Waldorf because money > love, but only if a man has it because ewww, female empowerment, how emasculating and gross. Oh my God why can't we just punch him in the face every episode. At this point I feel like Blair gets off on being discarded, and it's less S&M than just battered-woman syndrome, and makes the tiny neglected ball of feminist attitude in my stomach clench and unclench in a most nauseating way.
Lily: I feel like she could not have been more manipulated into that decision if Bart had looked her in the eye and said, "I'm manipulatively manipulating you into thinking this is your decision by rolling over without a fight and surrendering to your supposed happiness, which I am fully aware you don't have, in order to make you want to rush to my defense." This would make me sad if she wasn't already awful. Now I'm just finding new ways to loathe her even more deeply because if I thought a choice between Chuck and Dan was stupidly obvious, a choice between Bart and Rufus is even more insanely obvious and HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE TO PICK WRONG. I am still sad over Rufus' face on principle. Right, so that's one ship smashed, let's see if we can go for the trifecta by the end of the night.
Serena: For the record, I was super enjoying her war with Blair up until the point of no return. It was fascinating, the way they were literally destroying each other's lives with seemingly a casual flick of the wrist. In the real world, any of these things would be HUGE issues. You could write entire books around just one of their attacks. For them it's like, "To-do list: wake up, shower, get coffee, trash friend's career/ruin her relationship, pick up dry cleaning, dinner at 7." That said, she has been so horrible for most of the time I've known her that it was kind of hard to make it worse so at some point I just sat there, numb to it all. (or shrieking and covering my eyes, w/ev) There was a glimmer of potential in her last scene, though. I would show up for Junkie Whore Serena all wrung out with nothing left.
Dan: He should probably be higher on the list of People Who Are The Worst. Who is in charge of writing this? I refuse to believe someone who has been purportedly been such a close friend in addition to stints of heart eyes doesn't get why Blair would need time and should be given time so that it is actually sweet and wonderful and means something when she says it. (did we need to wait longer on the sex? I feel like we needed to wait longer on the sex.)
Did no one convey the message of "I want the next person I say 'I love you' to to be the last"? I thought the whole point of this relationship was that he saw how Blair is a confused mess of emotions who doesn't even know what's real anymore in the feelings department. That she needed time to come to terms with who she was, but in the meantime, he'd be her safe place to land. (Pretty Little Liars reference, snap, I just hit you with it) That she's the easily spooked, gun-shy girl who needs patience and encouragement and support without demands. Maybe a few demands, like "if you plan to be near Chuck and his voodoo hold on you, proceed with caution." He was supposed to provide that. Because he's been doing that, and I thought we realized this was a long-haul operation that could easily take a year, not a few paltry months. This relationship is not on an equal timetable. You've been in love; she's been in the land of the lost.
But sleeping with Serena? This is roughly the point at which I have a psychotic break from reality, because the ultimatum was bad but I refuse to believe any of this part happened. My shipper heart literally cannot recover from this, it can't. I don't care how bitter you are, you don't just cheat so callously like that and ever have it be okay. (hush, the happenings of Shondaland are not our concern today) That is always going to be there, an ugly and horrible scar even if they did get back together, and I just hate whoever wrote this so very much. I have been led to believe a Prince Charming tale of nobility and sacrifice and this is neither of those things.
tl;dr: I am pretty sure that what actually happened in this episode was that Dan and Chuck swapped bodies. Watch the episode again and tell me it doesn't suddenly make more sense.
Blair: I can sum up most of it with one scene.
Option A: "Dan is my best friend and when we're together, it's great. I feel strong and safe."
Option B: "[With Chuck,] I'm vulnerable. He's devastated me, but he's also made me happier than I've ever been."
Dilemma: "I just don't know which kind of love is better."
Response: "How is this an actual question?
THE ONE WHERE YOU HAVE A BEST FRIEND WHO MAKES YOU FEEL STRONG AND SAFE. (P.S. WHO TREATS YOU LIKE A PRINCESS, AND NOT A DOWRY)
"Also, you know what else makes you happier than you've ever been, right before devastating you/destroying your life? Drugs. I'm just saying."
The above statements are kind of flawed now that Dan has been busy borrowing Glee's King Douchenozzle crown from Finn, but this was early times when such a response was still valid
Things That Are The Worst: Chair, Dead/Dying Dair
Between the gross assertions from others about how much Blair has always loved Chuck and her own nauseating declaration, by the time we got to that ending? Fuck you. Is this what the show was like all the time before Dair? It's horrible. It's like my entire throat is swollen shut with hives, they are such a gross notion. This is appalling. I refuse to bear witness. I was so happy when I thought, for a hot second, that she was at least going all Kelly Taylor on our asses for the summer...and then casino to "fight for him." Absolutely! Nothing hotter than a guy who says your love is worthless. It was super charming how he blamed her for making him secretly bail her out of her marriage without being asked, too.
Also, wait, what the hell is this inbox? What is this huge amount of story we are missing behind unopened emails? And why are they all Re: when it looks like they're each unique emails from her? Whatever. I cannot deal with this continued asshattery from the writer's and/or production room right now.
Here is what we are going to do: we are going to take this magical fix-it fic and reject the notion of season six entirely.
All The Letters - RoyalBlueSapphire
She's not Holly Golightly, she's Scarlett and she's Ilsa Lund and she's Francesca Johnson, she's all the leading ladies left alone.
Currently a work in progress but also already up to about 11,000 words, which picks up 2 months after the finale so she can get Chuck out of her system and gets ready to gear things back in a Dair direction, hopefully in ways that will make it okay. Accept that Dan's next book can be written and published by the end of the summer, and you're good to go.
People That Are The Best: Nate, Lola, Ivy, and Team Ivy/Lola, Bitches Getting It Done
+ Nate's entire role in this episode to look pretty and make boneheaded, terrible offers of living arrangement that nevertheless sound sweet and romantic coming from his endearing face. I approve. Oh, also, he will have the most exciting plot action with cam footage of Gossip Girl. Damn it, show, you can't use him as bait to entice me into season six. I hate you.
+ Lola wants to tour with Wicked! She goes even when she doesn't have to! (I assume that is still true, and not a lie meant to keep Nate off her back while she skulks around New York in secret, because that would be awful) Fiercely independent women, you do have some material left for them. Geeze, I love her.
+ Ivy gets her money! YAY.
+ Team Ivy/Lola, Bitches Getting It Done: Yessssssssssssss. Consarn it, again with the things that make me want to see season six -- please just let Lily get her comeuppance at the hands of blondes (well, blonde and redhead) cleverer than Her Royal Smugness.
In conclusion: I was all set to quit outright, but then the idea made me depressed as soon as this show opened and I felt that fresh rush of fun that always accompanies a new episode of this show. I'm not ready for that to be over! Yet I can't go back in time because Chuck, so... By episode's end, the spark of hope was pretty well beaten out of me and I want to quit again,
Meanwhile, in other news:
1. The Music of 2012 is currently up to 93 songs now that Lana del Rey's magical CD came in from my library request ("This Is What Makes Us Girls" is the most wonderful thing ever; on the flip side, it turns out all the songs chosen as subsequent singles are my least favorites). We are five months in, not even. Help. That's literally triple what I had this time last year. Surely the song flow will ebb in June, right? Where am I going to find new music then?
2. Watched five minutes of American Idol finale, just long enough to see that Ultra Boring Girl mercifully lost to Super Cute Guy With A Great Personality, If Aggravating Voice. Do you know what it is like to have an official Idol that you picked out during audition week? Awesome, that's what. BRB, listening to studio version of "Home" until I can convince myself this sounds way better than his live performances that one week I watched and found his voice was like an assault. Spoiler alert, it might only take one play. ...this better not hit the Music List. Oh, for crying out loud, Self.
3. Watched final three episodes of Awake out of timeslot convenience and lack of anything else on TV. If this is even possible, it gets more boring. All I want to know are the twists they have/had planned. So, speaking of the last minute there -- [spoiler text] Was that a twist? I presume you would have twisted it again had you gotten renewed, but since you didn't, can we take that as gospel? I want to take the simple way out and pretend the entire series was some really elaborate and horrible dream, rather than the current reality being some third dream. If we're back in real life now, it smooths away all the uncomfortable and unhappy consequences.
[EDIT: "That is absolutely not what we intended. If you watch the last few minutes again, I’m not sure what the argument for that [interpretation] even is. I suppose there’s the überpossibility that he’s in a coma and now having a third dream in the coma, but in no way should it be interpreted as, “He woke up and his family was fine. He’d just been having two nightmares.”" Whoops. Look, your show is boring and I am not going to try hard. I like the answers you've given, though.]