...I mean, that wouldn't get me to watch it, but this seems like entertaining knowledge to have/a possible reason to keep it on the air. I've never seen Dawson's Creek so it's not the same level of hilarity to me, but at this point I feel like he's at least as famous for self-mockery as he ever was for that show.
2. I finished Community!
Digital Estate Planning: I'm sorry, I will just be over here with giant stars in my eyes. 8-bit video game characters!! There is officially no format this show can't do. Why is it always so fun when they switch to voiceovers? It makes no sense, and yet there it is. I loved all the references and easter eggs and just, everything. So many wonderful Gameboy flashbacks. (I borrowed my brother's from time to time. It is the only sort of video game I find acceptable. Speaking of which, did you know you can play Pokemon online? IT'S TRUE.).
While we are at it: HOLY SHIT, THIS IS IN PROGRESS AS A WORKING GAME. And yes, this news is so jaw-dropping it warranted an uncensored S-bomb. If this happens in any capacity, it will be brilliant.
Everything else I want to say is basically a giant list of quotes, which under normal circumstances I would be happy to mock up, but I'm pressed for time here, so instead have a quick list of highlights: Gay Island! ("offensive") Troy "He's shooting lightning and I'm naked!" Barnes after being taught how to play poker by Pierce. Abed/Hilda (OTP, obviously). "Troy and Abed shooting lasers." Pierce's suicide attempt. "I guess there's no hug button." Britta and her mystery brew. Annie and Shirley on their accidental murder/looting spree -- okay, that was my actual favorite part. I've watched it three times and I still cackle at Annie hacking the guy to death after setting him on fire. ("He was suffering!" / "Yeah, from axe wounds!")
The First Chang Dynasty: Also glorious. Favorite elaborate heist since Ocean's Twelve. I'm genuinely disturbed by how hot I find Dark Magician Jeff and his copious amounts of eyeliner (Assistant Britta's appearance, meanwhile, is just...magical) - I don't know why that is my third sentence here - and it turns out that I like Chang best when he is in full-on insanity mode having equally insane parties dedicated to his presumed greatness. In a Napoleon costume. Of course.
Introduction to Finality: I felt like a lot of that dawdled along with minimal urgency. I like Jeff's horrible ex-coworker, but he was the only thing saving that thread. Meanwhile, I have little to no interest in the Air Conditioning Repair School, and it would appear that Troy is not good at carrying dramatic storylines on his own. I see your character growth, but it does not retain my interest (except when Troy is mocking their insanity; then it is awesome). Mildly funny a few times, but not memorable.
What did work wonderfully was Evil Abed. Oh, that was great. Makes me worry about Abed's sanity and his ability to hurt others, a little bit, if he ever breaks to the point where the group can't reset him, but as a joke it was pretty great to see the bearded one get to step into reality.
And then the last five minutes happened and I was just so insanely proud of this show all over again, with its perfect levels of sentimentality and its beautiful closure-providing montage. (also: oh hey, random not-dead Starburns. Who called it?) I did not think it was possible to make a show about college conclude successfully after three years -- that's the crucial turn in your degree! -- but there it was. It would have been okay if we didn't get to see next year. That said, given the glorious peek we got at encroaching evil from the competition, I am madly excited to see what's next.
^ And then I may have wept at the perfection of that close.
3. I also finished off Law & Order: SVU. It felt kind of like a forced death march, and yet I keep having all these things to say, what the hell.
13x20, Father Dearest: Tagline: "Ewwwwwwwww." I kept alternately laughing and sobbing at the sheer levels of unbelievable ickiness. I feel like this really set the progress bar back on sperm donors wanting to meet their children, because watch out! They might turn out to be sexually attracted to you the minute they lay eyes on you. The girls' speeches were just...the most disturbing things I have ever heard. First of all, what are you doing getting naked with an older dude you don't even know while you're in high school? That is a red flag under any and all circumstances.
Second of all, no, no, I just refuse to believe that a lifetime of extremely strong societal taboos on gettin' down with your relatives would be instantly waved away with one minutes of "oh gosh, but he made our magical bond seem super special!" And third of all, the point at which I started openly weeping for humanity was how disappointed the girls were to find out the dude they slept with wasn't really their father. No, sure, because THAT is the most horrifying idea in this circus.
On the bright side: GSA! So, there's a name for when half siblings who don't know each other always end up accidentally in love on crime shows. You'd think someone would have told me about this before now. It's still creepy.
Very much enjoyed seeing Eric Close, especially in a normal role. Nice to see Sonia Walger as well. Fake Lesbian Olivia/Blondie felt like a delightful attempt at fanservice. But the real winner of the hour is James Van Der Perv, the ludicrous sight of which brought some sorely needed laughter into my life. Clearly, best role he has ever done.
Speaking of roles, I laughed at Eric Close's character accusing the NYPD of incompetence and declaring that they should get the FBI to help on their missing-persons case. And now I'm getting a kick out of how Cold Case and CSI: NY and Without A Trace are in the same universe, but this is the first time he and Danny Pino have shared a scene.
Learning Curve: Before I even started this one, let us check out the summary: As Detective Tutuola's son Ken prepares to tell his father that he is getting married, his fiancé is brutally assaulted by a street gang.
Sweeps 2012: Where television is on a mission to cater to my special new needs for Tragic Scenarios: m/m version.
I neglected to take into account that it's SVU, which is more than my brain is equipped to handle, but for the most part I was pleased with it. (and look, Glee fandom, yours is not the only show that can avoid physical affection) If annoyed that we got no closure. I was taken completely off guard as his health spiraled downhill offscreen, and then you leave me with a random post-surgery coma?! He was conscious! He was talking at the beginning! Excuse you, but I require resolution. I am doing something here.
The rest was a confusing and only vaguely linked mess of repressed closet lesbians, pedophile teacher accusations flying left and right, illicit student/teacher relationships, and Random Martha Stewart, who was apparently bitten by the acting bug this year. All centered around Jack's kid (or, I suppose more recently, Britten's kid), which is always good for a lark. And wow, how often is it that your hostage actually gets her throat cut? That seemed novel.
Strange Beauty: All I took away from this was a deep desire to go back to the days when only fringe-of-society freaks had tattoos, as it should be because this insanity has gripped the modern world for far too long. At this point I am pretty sure I would rather have people warping their ears to look like Arwen (it's barely noticeable, come on) and chopping off their limbs. At least the skin they had left would look clean.
But I really liked the actress playing the bone cancer survivor -- need to find more of her. Blondie was sort of interesting with her dedication to the case. And finally, I got endless kicks out of Constantine Maroulis skulking around as a "dirtbag bike messenger," looking pretty much how he always looks.
Rhodium (finale): It was apparently written in the same language as the NCIS finale, in that I had no idea what was going on until the last five minutes or so, when I paid attention to a) a farm full of adorable animals, including a bottle-fed baby goat being cared for by nigh-unrecgonizable Brooke Smith with long wavy red hair instead of a short blonde bob, and b) one of the more likable escort guest stars turning up naked and dead in Cragen's bed, so that'll be fun to come back to. Something about corruption and scandal within the department and involving high end prostitution services, I gather.
Meanwhile, let's talk about the only character I actually care about, because listen, I am invested in this marriage and nothing is allowed to irreparably screw it up. Conflict all the way up to trial separation, however, is allowed for dramatic narrative interest. We're not there yet and don't need to go that far, just saying, that's the limit.
Quotes That Amused Me
1. On saying that strip clubs, lap dances and the like make him feel uncomfortable --
Finn: Oh, you're one of those guys.
Amaro: I respect women. I grew up with sisters, I have a daughter.
I will now turn the floor over to How I Met Your Mother for one of Quinn's patented speeches about how awesome and powerful women who love to strip are, and thus you are obviously a patronizing tool if you don't think at least some of those women enjoy their jobs.
(In case the sarcasm is not clear, Quinn is a deeply obnoxious character; in related news, Amaro is still the hero and all-time champion of this show.)
2. Random Soon To Be Dead Escort: She's hurt you. You need to find a way to let go of that. Sometimes evening the score is all it takes.
I will now turn the floor over to Grey's Anatomy to ask Owen Hunt how well "evening the score" works out for you. (okay, the situations are not identical, but the intent is the same)
Aaaaaand done. Now I only have awesome TV left. I barely remember what that's like after this mind-numbing slog.