OK, let's just table the last minute or so for now.
Overview: It has been several weeks since I actually laid eyes on this show, and most of my feelings are "Who are these people? I have heard all these names, and I thought I'd finally get to put faces to them, but nope! I don't understand what is happening!" I have been picturing Mona as Maya this whole time (told you I got 'em mixed up). The word that comes to mind when I see Paige is "thug," so maybe that is not the best choice in girlfriends either (no one is pretty enough for Emily! Of course, my solution to this is 'Maybe Emily should only kiss boys from now on." I don't know who this cousin of Maya's is, but dude was cute, I supported them kissing.)
Also, I thought we learned our lesson back in March about never leaving your friends and going somewhere alone with someone who is not one of your three closest friends.
Haleb: Ugh, Caleb gets ever more ~*smolderingly hot*~ every time I see him. This would so be my new OTP for the show if there could be more of this hot protectiveness stuff going on (now with 100% more lethal weaponry!), except I cannot dissociate the phrase "horny little bastard" every time I see him. I will never get over how horrifically early that garbage went down with the two of them; I just find the whole mess very distasteful.
*cough* Anyway, my point is, A+ on the near-fatal shooting (I may have been having small panic attacks throughout the teaser, before we knew for sure); you know the way to my heart. Also, the rescue/comfort hugging of Emily was very nice. Bonus point for the guy/friend-of-his-girlfriend dynamic.
Ezria: No, great, that's fantastic. Please, hammer in the point that Maggie's kid is definitely also Ezra's so that there is a grand age difference total of maaaaybe 10 years between said kid and Aria. I guess that's the only way to keep the squicky times rolling now that everyone and their mother is okay with them dating. SO DONE. P.S. I hate you, even more so for the fact that Maggie is freakishly adorable and now potentially my favorite character on the show.
Spoby, part I: That reunion hug would have been more life-affirming if I wasn't already over Toby and his disappearing act, and wishing that Spencer would have given him a wary side-eye about expecting her to rush back into his arms whenever he deigns to forgive her, instead of running over like she was drowning without him. This relationship has officially fizzled out and faded away for me, so you can imagine how delighted I was when we moved on to sexy times. (HINT: NOT DELIGHTED.)
My green light on Spencer losing her virginity has flickered on and off over the past several months, and unfortunately, right now it is off. So that was...not especially great for me. I made it through with my eyes open, but not without an unpleasantly ill face and general responses of "Oh hai there, every gross fear I had about Glee's "The First Time" coming to light." Just...no. Now is not appropriate timing. I was willing to allow this as a next step, but it is not a natural progression when you haven't seen each other in weeks. I'm not doing a good job of explaining it, but I found this highly distasteful as well, and I about put my fist through a wall upon hearing he was leaving again right after.
"BITCHES, NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY. This is a huge, huge thing. You do not just do it on a whim to demonstrate how happy you are to have him back. Not when you don't know what's going to happen next. If there is not a definite chance at long term future happiness, this is not a thing you do." I've got my angry and judgmental Puritan whip a-crackin' again, and no one better stop me.
And In The End: "...are you kidding me." [somewhat hopefully "Are you?" *checks Tumblr* // Marlene King: "Nope."] "Well...that is just cruel. I -- no. No. This is not okay." Toby is part of the A Team??
UNACCEPTABLE. Now I am more grossed out than ever by that sex scene. And you expect me to endure a season 3b where they're still together, and he's backstabbing the whole time? Uh-uh. I don't care what motivations you've got -- and it kinda sounds like you don't have any good ones, given that whole "Nope, there's no chance Toby has good intentions" line we got fed in the wrap-up interviews -- I am done.
#ships go boom #irreparable damage for all! #and by all I meant the two I care about #but really I've never had both of them get smacked down at the same time #straw that broke the already-impatient camel's back
I am not ready to commit all of my thoughts on season 4 to paper yet*, but Ryan Murphy is still on his "release ALL the preview footage!" kick, so after watching it, here are my current official feelings on the new main characters:
[*EDIT: Okay, now it's going to include my feelings on everything.]
Marley: COME TO ME MY DARLING I ADORE YOU. (She just seems so sweet. I would ask why we are all pre-emptively hating her, but then I remember the problem everyone had with season 1 Rachel. She is the answer to every last one of my "this club needs more girls who are wonderful" prayers, complete with long and shiny hair)
Jake: "Attitude problem"? I wanted to punch you in the face just for being a Puckerman. Now I REALLY want to punch you in the face. (But at least you are the slightly more attractive brother.)
Kitty: Well, you just look bitchy. That is to say, you look like Quinn, but you act like Santana, and therefore all my meters are set on HATEY HATE HATE.
The rest are technically from other sources, but now I'm on a roll.
Brody: I originally thought, "hot damn, everyone is better than Finn, GO BROCHEL." But then I remembered how much this guy bored me to death on Terra Nova, and my hopes have vanished. I feel like he could still go either way, depending on how genuinely nice he is, but he's coming in with a handicap.
TBD by Blake: OK, so we don't have an official character name or description or anything yet, but Blake has an extremely nice face and solves all of my "this club needs more actually-cute straight boys" problems (the only one who currently fits this bill at all is Sam. And he's gotten desperately irritating since returning from exile), Whether he is actually in the club or not. People unfortunately keep hoping he will not be straight, which is making me want to hit them.
Cassandra July: I really want to love her, and I'm clinging hard to my initial feelings of joy and delight at her cattiness, but I feel like it's going to be a significant challenge if I not only have to watch her bully Rachel -- that I could handle, despite the pain -- but if her bullying results in Rachel getting sexified to prove something to her, I'm going to retreat to my corner and throw up and want mid-season-3 back, because Finn had a lot of flaws but at least I can respect the fact that he worshipped her as-is.
We already know how I feel about Alex Freaking Newell, who...every time I see that character, my stomach just turns over unpleasantly and I refuse to believe this is really happening and I will have to deal with it for an entire year. I'd rather have Rory back. At least Rory just shut up and faded into the background most of the time.
But speaking of Glee Project grads -- for as often as my stomach turns over Wade/Unique, it does a corresponding happy dance when I realize we get to keep Joe too, and this is real and not a dream. I will never be over how much I love Joe.
BELOW: PLOT-BASED SPOILERS & SPECULATION
[They get more spoilery as they go on.]
The Future Of Klaine: We have now reached a critical point where I actually kind of want them to break up? The more people start to say it won't happen, instead of feeling relieved, the idea has started to make me more anxious. I still don't want them to date other people ever, but I feel like if they don't break up now, when there's ample time to make fixing them the endpoint goal, then we're just in for hell and heartbreak later on, with less hope. As much as I want it to, I do not trust this show as far as I can throw it to join the ranks of the classic series that establish a solid couple and never break it. [Now, I say all this, but watch, they will break up and getting them back together won't be the goal.]
I'm just going to live for 4x01 instead. 4x01 sounds magical for them.
The Future of Brittana: So I hear there are going to be "I-miss-Santana" tears on Brittany's end! Turns out that's what this ship is missing: tears. Because as soon as I heard that, I got a very strong flash of "SHIPPIN' IT!" (That said, the mere mention of Santana showing up makes me roll my eyes right out of my skull; bitch, you graduated and moved away, get out of my life.)
Rachel, NYADA, And All The Crazy Going Down There: At this point, I'm mostly just scared. I already know I'm skipping most of "Britney 2.0," because I have successfully blocked most of what I saw in the first round and goddamn if I will ever subject myself to that again, but everything that hints at Rachel getting "sexier" just makes me want to hurl. Please be exaggerating. Please don't do this. Don't take her away from me and put her through the stereotypical TV college-freshman ringer and claim it's necessary for her to make the transition to real show biz.
I already know I'm going to be full of rage about the dorm situation (LALALALA NOT LISTENING, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THERE ARE COLLEGE CAMPUSES WITH CO-ED DORMS, MUCH LESS BATHROOMS), and feel like that will very much not help endear me to Bro-ster, but my main concern is what they're going to do to Rachel Berry. Everyone complained about how they changed her in season 3, but honestly, that whole agreeing-to-marry-Finn thing was far more welcome than the idea of the Rachel Berry I know and love being completely transformed. I see no way change can be good.
I don't really know what they have in store for Kurt, and I'm slightly less protective of him anyway because all his changes have been for the best, but I'm still a tad leery and want to shield him from any extreme character makeovers as well.
We're On At 9 PM!: If they say this one more time, I'm going to hit someone. There is literally nothing positive about people being excited to air their show at a later hour. The only thing this says to me is "Check it out, RS! Now we have greater license to be offensive to your eyeballs and/or ears."
Dear Tumblr: Please stop talking about The New Normal. I cannot deal with the face of the dude from "The Book of Mormon." He looks simultaneously like a deranged chipmunk and a manic ventriloquist's dummy, like he has painted-on features. Also, I thought it was clear that what television needs is more stabilizing Blaine Anderson/Will Truman types, and fewer hysteria-prone girly-men with weird voices perpetuating the stereotype of gay men as super irritating and unlikable people.
#non-standard OTP problems #I knew there was going to be trouble eventually if I committed my Tumblr to a non-het ship #but ugh even the previews send my hackles up