Meanwhile, all the Glee news happening for the next month at least can only make me sad, so let's talk about other TV!
First of all, SO HAPPY to see Abi finally get booted out before the final 3. It meant that my Final Four was composed of 100% likable (!!!!) people, with my least favorite being Skupin, just for being a klutzy dope which I in turn find boring. But even I have to admit he is a genuinely nice guy, and I liked him more than Carter, so really everything worked out as well possible.
Well, until the final immunity challenge, which was just the saddest thing ever. Macolm "taking a page from Penner's How To Get Voted Out playbook" and refusing to make a pact with Denise was not unexpected, but still sad, because at that point he HAD to win immunity and while I really loved the reward challenge, I kind of loathe that particular immunity challenge. My hands start shaking just thinking about the pressure required to wood blocks pressed together. And the combined stress of "YOU HAVE TO WIN" and "YOU CAN TOTALLY BLOW IT ONCE!" seems like a deadly cocktail - I think just knowing you have a second chance makes it easier to mess up, and then you're screwed when you actually need it.
But! Still two for three on "people I want to win" in the finals, and for once in my life, I thought EVERYBODY actually deserved to win, and I wouldn't have minded no matter who won. I couldn't even decide between Lisa and Denise as my top pick, because I like Sunny Lisa just a tiny bit more, but Denise had a really awesome underdog story. (not to undermine the other stories, because they were right -- Lisa's hellcat-style fighting at every turn to better her position was also compelling, as was Skupin's Hero Redemption arc, by far the most deserving and least "threatening" returning player)
And then Tribal Council happened, and omgwtf Malcolm. For those two to have been paired up from day 1 and then have him so viciously turn on her at the end was just bizarre and hurtful. "Don't nod"? I was not even aware he could be that mean. Really shattered a lot of the god-like illusion, which I guess is as good a way as any to break my annual Survivor crush before it gets taken away from me via the season ending and him not otherwise being a celebrity.
I didn't get Penner's remarks to her about "rest assured, your bitch side has been on display" tonight either, and am baffled as to what was either edited out or why everyone suddenly has a bug up their ass about her when it seems like she's been one of the nicer people around. There were hints of a good speech in there (I liked him snarking about how he got 15 votes and Skupin got 0 when he was the one always whining about being targeted), but it too seemed unnecessarily vicious, especially how belligerent he was about asking Lisa about her Great Big Secret Of Secretness, which I thought she handled super classily without being thrown at all. "I'm not ashamed of it," followed by "Did you tell everyone what you did 25 years ago?"
AND THEN DENISE WON, AND ALL WAS EXCITING AND JOYOUS. I was hoping it wouldn't be quite as much of a runaway win, but at least nobody went home with nothing. She really did have an amazing rise to victory, which was particularly awesome after all the pain she was in from the random bite right near the end.
Other Reunion Highlights
Denise saying that "you can do a lot with this money in Iowa," because truth.
Malcolm reminiscing about the whale shark - "They said not to touch it, and I was like...ehh, well, um, NOPE. *touch. " Wouldn't we all? I think that reward was literally the best one all season, if I didn't mention it before.
Malcolm was looking very rakish-pirate with that mustache last night...interesting.
And Penner was looking really good all cleaned up.
Fan Favorite prize - Malcolm & Lisa were definitely my two picks for that prize, so I cannot even pretend to be anything but overjoyed that Lisa won it. She's so sweet!
RC's "I'm glad Pete has long arms to pat himself on the back."
Finally, previews for next season -- I had NO CLUE that it was time for another round of Fans vs. Favorites!! So naturally, today I hit the internet for spoilers (just casting, nothing else). Let's see how I feel:
MALCOLM!!!!!! Crap, quick, must undo Sadface feelings from tribal council and re-adapt to loving him, because pure unadulterated joy. Please let him be nice again and not a jerk.
Brenda - aw, cute & fun!
Dawn - YAY NICE PEOPLE!
Erik - aw, backup cutie!
Corinne - yeah, I remember her being evil, but for some reason I got happy when I saw her name. Maybe I love to hate her?
Andrea & Francesca - never heard of them.
Cochran - well, you know, we'll see if he's gained some social skills or if he will resume being an unbearable dweeb
Brandon Hantz - CAN WE JUST NOT.
Phillip - I didn't even watch his season and I still dislike his crazy ass.
How I Met Your Mother, "The Final Page"
Part 1 was literally perfect. I loved every second from start to finish, even the parts that included Seth Green, which has never happened before with anything he's been in, even That 70's Show. The jinxing! The possible murder house! The puppeteering! The glorious, glorious jinxing and consequences thereof! That's why it's only getting a paragraph, I'm logical like that.
Part 2 was so dull that Marshall & Lily fretting over leaving Marvin The Martian was actually the more interesting plot thread, since the other option was Ted wangsting over Robin for the 900th time while Robin cried a lot and was generally as irritating as possible, until I was really hoping they'd both just decide to jump off the roof of whichever building they ended up at.
Until she picked up The Final Page for which this episode is named, and then even though I'm mad at the internet for correctly theorizing something that would never have occurred to me, ruining the surprise, that was SO MUCH FUN to watch. And I guess it is a slightly better story if Patrice The Benevolent is just voluntarily helping Barney out because she loves Robin so much. (nope. I wanted to believe the beautiful mish-mashed pairing)
Robin's disgusted/outraged reaction to the lies and scheming was even better, and I would have enjoyed watching it backfire, because I am still unclear how it was gross of him to do that in hopes of dating her, but totally cool once he proposed instead. #robinsayIdont immediately began trending in my brain.
Buuuut I am not made of stone, so the actual proposal/kissing/putting-the-ring-on-her-finger-squee!/subsequent rooftop cuddling (he kissed her nose!) was the most freakishly adorable thing I have ever seen, so Imma take all this cuteness in GIF form and pretend it's 4 years ago. That works for me!
P.S. I am upset that the Playbook was really burned to ashes. Of course you need it! FOR POSTERITY. That is museum-quality work of legendary proportions. Also, do we come back in January to find Robin totally freaking out? Because this whole getting-married-out-of-the-clear-black-n
2 Broke Girls
The only other salvageable moment was the referenced missing scene of Max rescuing a paranoid lunatic of a best friend at 4 AM. That sounds like a fun bit.
Totally forgot Gossip Girl aired its series finale last night too, until the TVLine post-morten interview with EP Savage showed up. Let's read & react to it.
1. "Dan [is] Gossip Girl."
I was going to take a picture of it, because there is no .gif to accurately represent my shock and disgust, but after checking in a mirror I thought it would scare small children and/or pets who caught a passing glimpse of it.
I mean, I didn't watch enough of the show to be able to figure out exactly how awful this is, especially since Serena was Acting GG for at least half of that time, but didn't some kind of awful things happen as a result of that site leaking secrets? And apparently this plan has been in their heads for a long time? Ugh.
[edit: actually, the more time passes, the more this seems unintentionally hilarious. Starting with the fact that it couldn't possibly be a more obnoxious choice, and ending with the new macros of plot hole mockery popping up every few seconds.]
2. "Nate ended up single"
Sadface. (or, you know, now he's free and clear to accidentally cross paths with Lola/a similar classy lady in the future)
[edit: in fact, from the looks of it, Nate may be the only character who ended up in a positive place. Good for him.]
[edit #2: wait, what is this picture about Lola starring in something awesome based on Ivy's best-selling memoir? You mean other people got good endings too?? Don't tell me otherwise, because these three were the only ones I really still cared about at the end of last year.]
3. [Chuck and Blair have a child]
*banging head into desk*
[edit: like, wow, TV Line, don't even warn me they got married first - just BAM. TOGETHER AND PERMANENTLY CONNECTED IN THE WORST AND MOST UNBREAKABLE WAY POSSIBLE. I don't even have enough heart or energy left to weep over what an awful message them being together in the end is.]
4. Q: "Did you ever consider putting Dan and Blair together in the future?"
A: "Um...nope!" [laughs]
5. "Rufus & Lily didn't reunite."
Bite my shiny metal ass.
6. "Dr. Van der Woodsen kind of split the difference . . . he's the father of her children."
Although I guess I can deal with parents reuniting, if that's my other option. [edit: NOOOOOOOOPE. My brain helpfully blocked out exactly which face that name was attached to. Then I saw it. NOPE NOPE NOPE NEVER.]
7. "Serena marrying Dan"
I AM A RAGE TORNADO FOR UNKNOWN REASONS. (straw that broke the camel's back? I thought I was okay with them being a backup ship, but turns out I am feeling too peevish that this relationship "won," and all the detractors of Dair last spring got validated. Also, the more I read the more this seems like a weird/bothersome choice on top of Dan Is Gossip Girl. Which I guess would have ruined Dan/Blair anyway, and yet...)
ALL OF YOUR CHOICES ARE THE WORST. THE LITERAL ACTUAL-FACTS WORST. I cannot think of a series that burned everything quite so drastically to the ground in its finale, as right now it's even making Medium & Chuck look like paragons of compelling storytelling.
Basically, this is a I-reject-your-canon-and-substitute-my-ow
Nothing is quite as satisfying as a reveal that despite everything you thought, this is where the story was always leading: after escaping the dark prince and the false prince, her white knight drops everything to whisk her away, no questions asked.
Also, realizing I have no idea what actually happened in this finale, plot-wise, so let me just try to find an actual helpful recap courtesy of TWoP...
Uncle Jack finds Blair and Chuck in their hideaway and points out the obvious solution: Get married, so that the only witness to the quasi-murder won't have to testify.
...whut. That's how it started, really? I don't even know why I am surprised by how much worse this keeps getting at every turn. I may never understand what happened, because I can't stomach the idea of actually watching this garbage, but really...does it matter?
OOH, MACRO RECAP! OK, if there are more of these I am totally reading season 6 in its entirety.
[Dan:] Does literally no one care that I'm a sociopath?
P.S. Well...hello, beautiful Farewell To Dair song post. This is going RIGHT on the Sad Songs playlist; it seems useful for many future fandom needs. [edit: yaaaaaay! I finally love a song from A Fine Frenzy!] Also, I think maybe I'll swap out my Dair icon...I like having a kissing rep, but I've always kinda preferred the shot from behind as shown in this post.
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
P.S. #2: Ooh, Tumblr has a second song rec, this time a Paloma Faith number! If you take it metaphorically, "30 Minute Love Affair" (because that's about how long it felt like it lasted in canon) turns awesome instead of trashy,
Falling from the sky for him
I’ll never regret it
He took my breath away
And although it was the shortest time
I’ll never forget it
He gave me such a beautiful lie
No literally, it's like direct shipper advice. (I know what I'm titling this post now!)
Sometimes it's better just to let them go
Cause your illusion's more than what you could know.
Wow. This reaction post is messier than the one for Chuck. I feel there's a correlation in here somewhere...