RS (rainbowstevie) wrote,

LOST: 3.14, "Exposé" [+ Survivor, because that's set on a tropical island too]

Firstly, I would like to call a time-out to go bash my head against a wall, because I could have SWORN I picked Paolo as one of my 3 for the Death Pool over at TV Squad.   When I didn't get awarded the points, I double checked - and oh, no, apparently I chose Ben instead.  Why the hell would I choose BEN?  Did I take stupid pills that morning?  ARGH... *bashes head*
Voice: Ever stop to think maybe it's all the beatings your head takes that causes the stupidity?
RS: Since the bashing is all in the figurative sense, no, but thank you for interjecting.

Okay - RIGHT NOW, somebody needs to tell me what in the world about this episode was supposed to make Nikki and Paolo "iconic characters" like the producers promised. Because I thought that this episode, while moderately entertaining, did not deserve any hype and was largely a waste of time. Well, shirtless Sawyer is never a waste of time, but everything involving Pikki was.

You know I refer to Pikki like guest stars who are just excited to hang out with the cast of LOST. Well, this week it was more like they were just two young adults messing around with a video camera who'd decided to act out all the famous scenes from the first season of Lost. "Boone and Shannon stumble around looking for each other!" "Locke and Boone discover the airplane!" "Locke peers into the hatch!" "Kate ventures into the hatch alone!" "Kate and Sawyer go swimming in the Lagoon of Dead Bodies and Buried Secrets!" (I especially like how Paolo even managed to imitate Sawyer's swan dive)

Was that supposed to make them iconic? They just happened to be at all of the major events in the island's history? No adventures of their own, really, just the same discoveries that our guys made. No wonder Lostaways keep "finding" stuff right by the beach, apparently NOBODY talks to anyone else about what they find. And are you FREAKING kidding me - Paolo gets INTO THE FRIGGIN' HATCH, the hatch with the ELECTRICITY AND PLUMBING, and he's not even the slightest bit interested in sharing this tidbit with the other survivors on the beach? I mean, not everybody knew about the hatch, right? Didn't Locke & Co decide to keep it a secret shared only among the elite? I don't know, my memory of the early parts of season 2 are fuzzy. On the bright side, if even those two idiots can find all this stuff, then clearly Locke isn't the island mystic after all - he's just batshit insane.

I should have realized that bringing Shannon back wouldn't be worth it - if they were telling the story of the wayback days, like before Sayid warmed up to her, she was a raging bitch and it was unpleasant. I don't miss THAT version of Shannon at all. And I especially don't miss pretty-boy Boone, whom I found grating and unattractive. In fact, the only one I miss less than Boone is Arzt, as he was bumbling and very ordinary looking and therefore dull. The only halfway enjoyable scene with old characters was when Nikki sniped about "Kate and her two boyfriends." Although, today I found some old season 1 clips on my computer, and there's one scene where Sawyer's nursing a headache and he yells at a group of people constructing something to "keep it down" - and I guess the people in the background there vaguely resemble Arzt, Nikki and Paolo. But that might just be my mind trying to make sense out of this mess of an episode.

See. as far as I can tell, Nikki and Paolo didn't exactly have a story that needed to be told. Ooh, there were two scam artists on the plane! Good thing they got their comeuppance, huh? Now if they'd been working with the Others, that might have made things interesting. It would have been even cooler if they'd done it without realizing it; you know, listening to Paolo and trusting Ethan, and falling in with him. But instead, their stories were pretty much wholly contained within each other, and didn't affect anybody else. Am I supposed to applaud because Paolo wasn't just being a dunce and using the bathroom on Field Trip to the Hatch Day, but checking his diamond stash? Is that supposed to be a clever bit of misdirection on your part? Because it's not. That scene was stupid when it aired and it's stupid in retrospect. You used literal bathroom humor to accomplish your purpose, which is pathetic on a show of your generally high caliber. I will give you a small amount of praise for a new spin on the scene where Locke takes a group to the Pearl, though – now we understand what Paolo’s semi-panic was all about, more than him just being a neurotic worrywart boyfriend. Still, not enough to justify his existence.

Bear with me, I've almost worked through my crankiness, and then we can move on to Shirtless Sawyer. Nikki is thoroughly and utterly unlikable and unredeemable, to the point where I'm *glad* she got buried alive. What I especially want to know is how she remembered every detail about the spider's venom being paralyzing, but failed to remember the far more significant detail about how the female's pheromones will trigger ALL THE MALES IN THE AREA to come to her. I have to imagine that's a lot of spiders. A lot of spiders = way scarier than one spider. And if I'm supposed to be finding Paolo some kind of lovelorn romantic who just wanted to be with his girl, I'm not. Paolo died as stupidly as he lived. His character was not fleshed out, it was not developed; he existed first as a background shadow, then a caricature, and finally just a knock-off of an established character. (there were definitely Sawyer and Kate vibes there, and not just in the lagoon scene)

Okay, time to speak of Sawyer. Stumbling through the underbrush with her face obscured, Nikki does look a little bit like Kate, and so I loved his suddenly alert look when she appeared. But even better was the visible disappointment when it became apparent that the woman in question was not the one he was hoping for. "Oh." I kind of think that Sawyer is spending a lot of time bored out of his skull at the moment, hoping to see Kate round the corner at any minute.

Now, the first time Sawyer asked Nikki who the hell she was, it was funny. But repeating that joke two or three times in a subsequent episode got increasingly stale. That’s the only quibble I have with his actions this week. Yes, Sawyer reverted to his old ways, spotting treasure and trying to squirrel it away for himself. He's a little like a magpie or a pack rat, the way he hoards whatever he sees. But I don't think I really blame him for that. Capitalism is a hard habit to break. I'd probably have done the same thing as him. and I really don't blame him for trying. But the positive note is that after minimal questioning, he gave up and tossed the diamonds at Sun, with the same resigned sigh my dog does when I inform her that no, she cannot in fact rip to shreds that sock she cleverly stole behind my back. "Gimme the sock." No. "Give it!" *stubbornly clamps teeth together* I found it. Is mine! "Either let me pry it out of your jaws, or I will headsmack you in a most unpleasant manner." Oh FINE, if you're going to make a such a big deal about it.

And I like that for all his seemingly suspicious motives, Sawyer was the one digging the graves, continuing long after everyone else had wandered away. And after Charlie decided to spill the beans to Sun (great, because that will never, EVER come back to bite him in the ass where Claire/Aaron are concerned), and she marched off to go stare Sawyer down, deliver an intrepid quip and then smack him across the face, he's just like "Okay. I deserved that." I imagine he's been slapped a time or two in his life.

When New Vincent (different doggie actor!) pulled the tarp off Nikki and Paolo, I think that was his way of trying to warn everybody else that the bodies weren't dead. I think they might have given him a little more credit if he hadn't recently been chewing on the skeletal arm of Dead Dharma Guy, but unfortunately, their conclusion was that Vincent smelled food. Now, what would REALLY impress me is if Vincent came back after everyone else walked away, and acted like a good Labrador Rescue Dog and frantically dug into the hole until it was shallow enough to pull them out, or for them to push out on their own if he could wake them up. Unfortunately, this won't happen. Why? Because more and more, I am starting to think Vincent is as loony and/or self-serving as John Locke. Think about it; the dog pops up in random places to lead people to creepiness, and the rest of the time he's out in the jungle on his own. Who knows what’s going through his diabolical doggy mind?

Aaand, let's see, what else am I forgetting...oh, right. Sun gave the diamonds back to Sawyer, saying they were "worthless here." And then he ultimately opted to bury them with Pikki, having apparently realized she was right – except she wasn’t. Uh, yeah, hi. Diamonds are never WORTHLESS - cut diamonds are PRETTY. It's nice to have pretty things to look at. I'll bet even Tomboy Kate likes to look at pretty things once in a while, so hint HINT, they would have made a nice surprise for her at some point in the future.

(I mean, once she got over jumping to conclusions and accusing you of doing something awful to get them and being suspicious as all get out and probably cussing you out for being selfish in the first place, I'm sure she'd appreciate the gesture. And if not her, then plenty of other women on the island might have liked them. Bet they’d make decent trade items, I really do)

Next week: The spoilers were promising, but the entire trailer thus far consists of Kate and Juliet having a chick fight in the middle of the jungle in the pouring rain (right now, I am firing BB pellets at any perverted guy who somehow manages to think that's hot), while THAT! FUCKING! TRIANGLE! Rears its head again. "He asked you not to come back here because you broke his heart." *bashes head into wall* So much for all the ways I tried to defend Jack as having better motives than the "obvious" stupid ones. And aren't the Others supposed to be great Skate shippers? Just because Juliet's a Prisoner-Other and not a regular one...well, this had better make sense in context. I guess I’m looking forward to next week after all.
Survivor: I should have known that Lisi would fit in spectacularly well with the boys, since she's so far from ladylike. They described her very well, and I paraphrase, but it was basically "the girl who hangs out with the boys, drinks beer, watches football with them." Yeah, I know those women. Other women don't like them. At least, I don't. Not when they're this CRASS about it, anyway. Oh, and I couldn't help but notice, when she took off her shoulder bag, that Lisi has not been suckered into that whole "shaving every day just because I'm wearing a swimsuit" thing that 95% of the women on this show seem to manage.

Skipping to the latter half of the episode for a bit, at first I couldn't believe my ears when she said "I think that with the clues we have...we should start prowling around the island." PROWLING AROUND THE ISLAND? Why prowl, isn’t it obvious where it is? And then two seconds later, the horror is further confirmed when during her interview she says "There's some clues that I could go on, which lead me to believe that it might be here, but it's all really vague." At this point, I coined a new term - ROTBLMAOPMF, which stands for "rolling on the bed laughing my ass off, pounding my fists" (against the pillow.) It was one of those "stop stop stop, you're killing me!" gestures. I mean, my God, the clues already read like "Hey IDIOT, the idol is buried at coordinates X,Y back at your camp, approximately one meter deep, if you can't find it now you're probably too stupid to figure out how to breathe." And she thinks it's vague.

Over to Moto, Yau-Man's beginning to bother me. He's like some sort of crazed little rodent, and I think the power trip involving finding the idol is going to his head and making him insaaaane. (I mean, building and hiding a fake idol? That just seemed pathetic, like a little kid trick)

Earl makes me laugh with his renaming Exile Island to Earl Island, using his ample amounts of free time there to draw a nice picture in the sand with a stick, to accompany the words "EARL island in Fiji." Heh. Cute.

I think it is actually good that Ravu won the reward challenge (which, incidentally, was aazing and involved flicking actual balls of fire from what looked like a banana ball scoop), since Moto is already well fed, and Ravu could use a nice balance to that. Watching them all stuff their faces was, unfortunately, adequately nauseating, as was Mookie bent over the toilet (thanks, I think I would have gotten the idea if you'd stopped at the door). I almost couldn't blame Rocky for making fun of them. Key word *almost*, because his personality is insanely grating.

He's the equivalent of those 14 year old brats who hang around message board forums yelling "N00b!" Or maybe the self-righteous trolls on whose accounts exist for the sole purpose of flaming, their mantra being "if you post crap, you deserve to get called on it." (which often translates to "be a perfect writer or I'll throw a temper tantrum and scribble in permanent marker") The point is, they're usually spoiled with a huge entitlement complex. Perhaps we could replace the term "troll" with "Rocky."

ANYWAY. The immunity challenge was even better than reward. Usually anything that involves something like Blind Man's Bluff is notoriously painful to witness, but this time it actually went pretty well. I loved Michelle's directing - squealy she might have been, but she got her team through efficiently (except Boo, but that figures). And actually, I really kind of loved her bouncing up and down and her highspeed singsong calls. She was the hyperactive puppy that jumps up and down and never stops barking. But in a cute way.

And then, boom, it was Tribal Council and Rocky went home, and I was ultimately quite pleased, since he bugged even more than Lisi this week.

I would like to talk about CSI now too, but I’m afraid I’m still in a melted puddle of goo from that final scene. And I...bluh...yes, there go the rational thoughts again. *is transfixed by GSR scene*
Tags: csi, lost, survivor, tv commentary
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