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"Everybody hooks up at weddings."

"I'm so depressed." -- Jesse St. James (bring me a gif and I will shower you with gifts)

Glee, 4x14, "I Do"
Below I've got 2000 words for everything in the episode that is not Klaine, and then 1600 more words on them as the feelings I have been holding in all week without attempting to voice at all suddenly explode everywhere.

Music
--You’re All I Need To Get By: There's a reason we banned Jarley duets from our setlist after the first one. Full-on Kermit vocals; cannot finish.

-Not Getting Married Today: Just a mess. It kind of works in the context, and I feel like it's probably faithful to the original, but only serves to remind me why I'm instinctively turned off by the phrase "Broadway musical."

++Just Can't Get Enough: Instant Song Love. I wish all the stupid couples talking wouldn't interrupt this brilliant performance, because I could just about die for joy. The song is super fun, I love their voices together (brb playing Candles one million times), the choreography is adorable (I am having so much fun imagining them working it out), their faces are adorable, sharing a mic while holding the other out to Brittany + Marley is adorable, everything about this is wonder and joy. Including Tina's death glare.

--We've Got Tonight: Songs about sex are tacky and I hate you.

++Anything Could Happen: The opening notes sound kind of familiar, maybe I have heard it somewhere? Marley gets the lion’s share of the vocals and Kermit the Frogboy sings it straight during his minimal solo contribution, so I’m pleasantly surprised. Plus it's one of those cute, fun group closing numbers where everybody loves each other and drags the teacher in and awww.

Jake/Marley/Ryder: This Triangle Just Put Down Stakes
Aaaaand let's just remove Jake from this equation because he's creepy. I think I heard he didn't sleep with Marley; I'll assume that's correct because I don't want to think about them any more than I have to.

We're here to talk about Ryder Cyrano de Bergerac-ing it up, being my favorite person in the world (certainly the best part of this episode), and generally just exploding my heart with love. From his super fake acting in Spanish history class (fuck you forever, 3x12), to various bro scenes where he was actually trying to be a good friend, remembering Marley's favorite flower, picking out a genuinely pretty necklace. And then this happened:


"I'm so getting laid tonight."
"What?"


At that point I think I shattered tea kettles with my joy in his genuine shock. No, but, but, right there, I've got a mini-Kurt mentality! He was so focused on the romance of it all that it was entirely about love in the most puppyish, doe-eyed sense. Of course, the fact that he immediately gets pissily protective about her age and eating disorder recovery only endears him to me more, because that's what he should be concerned about. I feel like age is something he'd disregard if he were the one actually dating her (but what if it wasn't?); anyway, the second part is the part I care about.

AND THEN THE LOCKERS HAPPENED. I love that Marley is genuinely clueless about his feelings despite his previous instances of supporting/kissing/asking her out/getting dumped before they even started. I love this scene just for the fact that I get to hear Marley talk, because I can't stand to see her in the company of peasants so she usually gets muted. I love that he gets bold and tells her it was for real. I love that I would have been overjoyed with just that,

AND THEN SPONTANEOUS KISSING HAPPENED.
AGAIN.

Now with 100% more rule-breakin' and boundary-crossin' and I don't even care.

#prettiest pairing since Blaine/Rachel #cheating is OK for the greater good #like I'm not even going to count this as cheating #that was beautiful and uplifting and did my heart a universe of good #lol comparisons to Finn what? #I don't know what you're talking about #this is an emergency Casino Night situation #and you know it

Let me assure you, I flailed just as hard as I did back in November, if not more because their hair looks better and so does the lighting. Forget you, Kurt and Blaine! I've got bigger ships to sail, greater accomplishments to crow about. You want to trash your romance, fine. My daydreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.

...right now.

Will/Emma
First I thought I'd be ecstatic about them not getting married, then I thought I'd be sad, but really all I feel is...free of feelings? You can't be gone for 8 episodes and expect me to jump right back into caring about you. I burst out laughing as soon as he started talking. I feel dangerously as though Mr. Schue is on the same horrible spiral that Horatio Caine went down, from a complex and respectable character to CARTOON PARODY.

I do feel vaguely sad for the shippers getting kicked when they're down. There was absolutely no reason to introduce this speed bump when you know you're marrying them anyway and you could have just had a nice thematic Valentine's Day wedding to celebrate happiness. Plus last I checked, the only problem in Emma's last marriage was the lack of sex.

Quinn(/Santana):
Quinn, honey? Past You wants a word.


I like that she acknowledged Mr. Schue as the one guy who might not be a pig (does that help or hurt my shipping inclinations?), but that is literally all I liked about her this week. I never thought there would be something to enrage me more than the canon I refused to admit in 2x18, but there it is. Scenes skipped; CANON REJECTED. I hope you read that last part in a Barney Stinson "challenge accepted!" voice.

Artie/Betty
It took me exactly two seconds to fall head over heels for Betty. The sneering put-downs, the cocky prejudice, the dripping disdain - gold. Gold! (Artie actually is nerdy-hot and it's rude of her to judge on looks, but I just pretended she had heard about his reputation for telling people that virgins can't portray romance on stage). I feel like he could have earned her respect faster had he pointed out Hot Cheerleader Brittany as his ex, though.

Alas, this whole teengers-having-one-night-stands business will continue to sicken me as long as I live. It's gross when anyone does this, but it's beyond gross at this age. Besides, I was having too much fun enjoying the hate chemistry between them to want them to go any farther than her reluctantly having fun on the dance floor after all - this is the kind of UST you can slow burn, or at least roll out at a Jake/Marley pace, and still enjoy as a mere temporary diversion.

Finn/Rachel
Finn, you're drunk and creepy.

But he's half right in that she's lying to herself. All those nasty things about her "mature" relationship sent alarm bells that sounded a lot like CONVINCED ME TO PLEASE YOU / MADE ME THINK / THAT I NEED THIS TOOOOOO ringing through my head. It doesn't mean she still loves Finn, it just means she's taken sad and vulnerable and doesn't even realize it. Who even has time to side-eye Tina when Douche Bro is out there, doing actual damage and convincing impressionable girls that this is how adult relationships work? And worse, how they should want them to work.

There are so many things it turns out are worse than marrying Finn Hudson at age 18 than are dreamt of in our collective philosophy.

But as for them sleeping together, barf. Along with some choice shrieking of "WHY AM I BEING FORCED TO SEE FINN'S BOXER SHORTS" before I shot away from the whole song like a bat out of hell.

Actually can't decide if the stomach-turning Douche Bro scene at the end was worse.
(Jim Halpert Voiceover: Both. They're both worse.)

Kurt/Blaine/Tina*
*not an actual pairing. Too bad. Would have totally approved 3-way friends with benefits.

Part I: Besides the slow dancing, my favorite non-Ryder part in this episode was Tina and Kurt's conversation, which was what I was most looking forward to and so excited did not disappoint. "I don't like the way you treat Blaine. There. I said it." A++ work in the role of "Fandom," Tina Cohen-Chang! I will elect you to be my representative from now until eternity. I'm still kind of mad that her legitimate point about Blaine deserving to be forgiven got forgotten in the mess of her crush.

Kurt's reaction? Also ideal. The outrage, Tina hilariously fleeing, Kurt chasing after her, and the way he's rightfully shocked by her boundary crossing without devolving into Social Justice Warrior levels of overwrought hysteria.

That said, this whole conversation is even more amazing if you cut the "ex" out of Kurt's line and imagine this exact scenario and conversation playing out in an AU where they never broke up, but the problems they had in 4x03 are getting more apparent.

It's also awesome if you add in this headcanon. #how to criticize 4x13 without implying that Tina should be in jail

Part II: All the things I liked --

  • Blaine's reaction face + mouthing "attacked you?" on the stairs after Tina's apology.

  • Having them all be friends again because Tina Cohen-Chang is awesome. Respect.

  • Blaine being a perfect, understanding, non-judgmental and dapper gentleman now that he's figured out he needs to point-blank tell Tina they are never, ever, ever, gonna get together

  • Kurt being nice about apologizing too.

  • Unrequited Blaine/Tina > Platonic Klaine, but Blaine sounds really cute while pledging to find her a boyfriend. I wonder if that will go as well as Kurt's plan to hook Mercedes up.

  • I just really like having them team up to boost girls' self esteem/otherwise help them out.

  • The delightful color scheme of red + white = pink.


It's like it's begging me to ship this OT3.

Random Other Stuff
I. I didn't realize how furious I was going to be about Rachel's pregnancy test, but yeah. I am furious. Because unless it's a false positive, there is literally no way for this to end well. She can't have a baby because she can't; she can't be a mother and she won't accept adoption because she knows what it feels like. She can't have an abortion, both because Glee isn't that cruel and because I would never quite be able to forgive her. The best case scenario is a miscarriage. I don't want that, either, because it means she has to think about her other options first. Then either she's relieved and I wonder if I'll ever trust her humanity again, or she's upset and I feel worse because she should feel relieved to have the fear gone and the choice taken out of her hands. And even if she feels upset about being relieved, I don't want to watch her hurt anymore.

I demand false positive, because I feel doubtful that you're going to let her break down crying in either Quinn's or Kurt's arms, which is the only way to mollify me on any of the above options. I would assume they're going to choose one of the better scenarios and make it a one-episode dramatic, but then I remember how they decided to go full steam ahead with the worst case scenario for Sue.
~~~~~
II. BEST WORDS EVER SPOKEN ABOUT PUCK: "Dude, I know you're like related to that guy, but he's kind of creepy and currently dating a sophomore."
~~~~~
III. I'm actually kind of pissed that Mike didn't get any lines and none of the old group got together as a group even though it's the first time they've all been together since graduation.
~~~~~
IV. Sue was kinda more entertaining than she's been all year.
~~~~~
V. We all saw Mr. Schue kiss Rachel's cheek, right?
~~~~~
VI. In lieu of fic recs this week*, please see this week's Delightful Canon-Endorsed Conversations for things that took place prior to the wedding:
Blaine/Finn, just fantastic
Sugar/Artie, on why she isn't comng
Quinn/Santana, snarking away

[*EDIT: I lied. Here is a short, but v. cute, little Burt & Blaine scene set after Kurt leaves.]
~~~~~
[EDIT: VII. A fic I just read, albeit not good enough to rec, awesomely had a character point out that Kurt is constantly referring to Blaine as "my ex-boyfriend," and if the feelngs were really gone, he'd be back to calling him "Blaine" instead of continuously using possessive phrasing. Not sure what to do with that yet, but I thought I'd throw it out there while I segue to...]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kurt/Blaine
Wow. Turns out if I had stuck a thermometer into the Klaine fandom to see how they felt before I watched this episode, the results would have been inconclusive. Because I feel a great many strange feelings, and most of them are not joy.

Where to begin?

1. "I want not to feel like it's sad and empty when my OTP kisses." -- flaming_muse, in the world's most/only accurate description of the episode
(It was so depressing, in fact, that not even her fic could fix it. I skimmed and it just made me more upset; fanon rejected.)

2. When the spoiler clips were released (audio including "just bros helping bros" and "I mean...it was fun..."), I immediately reblogged three reactions that matched mine, and all I could do afterwards was cling to the desperate hope that they might have been mashed up and/or taken out of context so that they weren't really what they sounded like.
In reality: They are exactly what they sounded like.




3. I tried to read at least four different post-eps/missing scenes for this episode before I ragestroked out so many times that I realized what I want and need is AU fix-it fic, because this canon can't be helped. It's sad and awful and depressing. Your turn to bring me the fic; I can't expose myself to any more.

4. I did eventually find the one satisfying piece of commentary in existence. Actually, it's two pieces: meta courtesy of wake-up-kid.

On Blaine: That little smile, the little swagger as he turns toward the bed, the victory stretch, and the precious clap-jump? That’s the happiness, confidence, and elation of a boy who now knows he is loved in return, who knows there’s a light at the end of this tunnel of a life lived without Kurt, who knows that the one person he wants to spend his life with wants him too.

RS tags: #I still don't feel it in my heart #I don't trust Kurt (huh. that's ironic.) #but I will let Blaine be optimistic enough for both of us

On Kurt: in sum, an incredible essay reading nuance into Kurt's expressions that I couldn't see do to my irrepressible need to punch him in the face, but which after reading allows me to breathe a little easier. Not that you'll be able to tell below.

Kurt/Blaine: Where RS Actually Writes Some Of Her Own Commentary, Goes Crazy
I. Car Scene: was the last thing I watched, after the wretched noise in the first second made me literally slam the pause button and then fling myself away from the desk on my wheely chair in horror before skipping to the next scene. I made myself go back to get context before Tumblr shoved the .gifs in my face. And yeah -- there's a reason I wished it would go the way of their last car footage.

Because it's gross. Like it actually physically turns my stomach. Maybe one day, in the distant future of when they're back together, I will be able to appreciate this footage exists if I want a visual. Right now it's not ok. It would be hard to make me love this even if it were last year in celebration after Nationals - I got on board with this ship because it was so unflinchingly tame and sweet and PG-rated at every turn. THIS IS NOT SWEET. THIS IS NOT EVEN LOVE. And I get that I'm special in the realm of "horny people kissing sloppily make me nauseous," but I don't understand why fandom thinks this is something to be excited about given the context.

The one thing I hoped to salvage out of this breakup was the moment they decided to try again. I was very emphatic about not wanting them to just tumble back together in a hookup and then decide what it means, like so many fix-it fics tried to do last fall. I ached for the moment of realization, or at the very least, for the first kiss After -- even if it was in this same context, of Kurt half-dating someone else and their relationship all undefined, I wanted the moment where they're alone together and look at each other and feelings, picture perfect and emotional after so much time apart.

And you just took that moment's hope and smashed it in the face by throwing us into the middle of a random groping session. Between bros.

“With two guys, you got two people who think that sex is just sex. It’s gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff, you’re not gonna want to stop. You gotta know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem — even though it feels like you’re just having fun.”

Excuse me while I weep into my Rooster-O's.

II. The Lovely Part: slow dancing -- that is all that needed to happen between them, and it would have meant so much more if that was all that had happened. Or at least if that had been the part that happened first. Blaine's face tucked in close to Kurt and hands splayed against his back is heavenly. This is what I want him to want and miss. This moment, to undo Sadie Hawkins. For this to be the best possible thing that could have happened this weekend, even if that's all he gets, because it's Kurt and he's here.


Can't choose between pretty-colored original screencaps or moving version.

#this is my intimacy

Kurt has no lines in this play because he's currently dead to me.

(oh, I forgot to write about this in the car section -- I honestly don't have words for how much I hate that "bros" line, or the weird half state of Kadam and Blaine not caring, or how Mercedes laughs it off instead of shooting lasers from her eyes at this blasphemy taking place in broad effing daylight at a church ceremony. Literally the only things I can salvage, if I take this in a different context, are how murderous Kurt sounds about being repeatedly cockblocked - file under "useful information" - and how Blaine just hangs there upside down all innocently when the door's opened, like this is a casual everyday occurrence).

III. We've Got Tonight: one day in the distant future and another context, I will probably find Kurt yanking him through the door by his tie adorable.

IV. But After That: MURDER LEDGE.
Not only is this every type of disgusting on earth (see previous comments re: teenagers/hookup culture), you don't get to do this and then not even give me cuddling OR imply that they at least spent an actual night together. No. No because this is the antithesis of everything they stand for and every reason I love them, and even if I will let you convince me that Blaine would never say no to anything Kurt offers, I cannot accept that Kurt offered. Popular opinion is that he's trying to convince himself when he keeps repeating how they're "just friends." Is that supposed to make me feel better?

The fact that he wants it to be meaningless, regardless of whether it actually was to him, is the worst feeling in the world. Because it was so important and so validating last fall when Blaine insisted "it didn't mean anything," and it was so important that hurt because it meant everything to them...and now you want me to believe Kurt has joined him in that careless, casual, harsh world of meaningless physicality? You already dragged Queen Quinn into that hell tonight. Don't go for the hat trick.

All I wanted was for him to be better than this.

Whatever faint shreds of fairytale romance were left in this relationship are dying before my eyes, sinking into the mud, a unicorn bereft of horn and turned ordinary plow horse.

As for "I'll see you downstairs" -- no. It's cold and cruel and no amount of meta or a smile meant to cancel that expression out at the end stops it feeling like a punch to the gut every time before the balm kicks in.

Like I said, the meta helps ("this isn’t cold. This is serious, vulnerable, tense, because this is the moment."). And this image right before that bit is really very nice and warms my heart:

But the overall scene is so virulently upsetting that I don't know if I'll ever be able to actually watch it again. I love that Blaine is excited at the end, but it's meaningless if I can't stop feeling like he's just naive and kidding himself.

Which doesn't stop it being the cutest sequence in the world.
"'Forever' starts now...right after a little kicky feeting."

[click in emergency only - identical but smalelr copy stored in case the Tumblr image link breaks]

ooh, I don't know what Photobucket did but if it stays this small I am making it my new icon


V. "We're Just Friends": See, the problem with convincing myself that Kurt is receptive to rekindling their relationship is what happens when Tina describes them as soulmates reuniting. Blaine lifts his chin, all smug and confident, and Kurt just avoids his eyes and looks like he wants to be anywhere but here. That's not a recipe for happiness. Not in the near (like next episode) future. Feel free to try and convince me otherwise, Come What May, but ten bucks says Kurt's still "dating" Adam at the end of tonight.

(SIDEBAR: I keep accidentally thinking about Adam's boyfriend potential in my spare time and getting sadder and sadder that I can't enjoy him. He does seem genuinely nice, his smile is growing on me, and in another life, he could have been a really good thing for Kurt. But as canon stands, you can't do anything with him in a satisfying way, not with Blaine on the line. It's too late. (But then, it had always been too late.))

Up Next: I can't even think beyond whatever's happening in New York, frankly. You're all I need to get by.
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I FINISHED SOMETHING ON TIME, HAHAHA, YES.

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