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Tragic Life Showdown

2007 Side Note: This is one of my favorite entries ever.

I was trying to explain my annoyance with some discrepanices about the articles surrounding "The big CSI wedding," namely the fact that he has not been keeping it a secret, he asked Eric from the very beginning if it was all right to date Marisol...but then I realized I was only lending credibility to the reputation it's been receiving lately for being a soap opera.  And then I realized, it's probably true.  Horatio's story alone is worthy of a soap arc. 

 

Observe what would happen if the Miami and Vegas characters got to talking...:

Horatio: Hello.  My mother was killed by my abusive father.  I later killed him.  The guilt has been haunting me for years.  I am in love with my dead brother's wife.  Except he's not really dead!  He had to fake his own death to escape the drug lords who want to kill him, because he's all messed up that way.  By the way, my brother's kind of a jerk who cheated on his wife and fathered another kid out of wedlock.  The kid has leukemia.  Anyway.  Since I sent my brother and his wife out of the country for their own protection, I met a lovely woman and started dating her.  Unfortunately, she was murdered by my arch-nemesis from New York.  I healed my heart by dating my coworker's sister.  Then I married her, only to find her murdered by another of my arch-enemies (I have a lot).  She may or may not have been pregnant with our child at the time of her death.  And that's just in the last four years."

He and Sara "Serious Issues" Sidle ought to get together sometime.  They'd have a lot to talk about.

Sara: Hello.  My name is Sara Sidle.  My father was an abusive jerk too!  Except my mother killed him.  I watched it happen.  I then got bounced around from foster home to foster home for most of my childhood.  After landing a job with the LV crime lab, I fell in love with my boss, who refused to reciprocate, so I dated a guy for a while until I found out he already had a girlfriend.  Resumed being in love with my boss, who still refuses to love me back.  The unspoken angst, it destroys me.

Horatio: Psh.  Not nearly enough deaths in your "tragic" story.

Nick: Ooh!  I want to play!  Let's see.  I was molested by my babysitter when I was just a kid.  Later I kind of slept with a hooker - hey, she was a nice girl! - only she turned up dead, so I was arrested for her murder.

Horatio: Move along, boy.  I didn't even bother mentioning the "got arrested for my girlfriend's murder" part of my story.  Just would have necessitated naming a THIRD arch-nemesis of mine.

Nick: Fine!  Well, I got a gun shoved in my face --

Horatio: Definitely not worth mentioning. 

Nick: I had a stalker, okay?!  I had a stalker who tried to kill me and also threw me out of a second-story window.  Actually, through the window, as in breaking glass and everything.  Oh, and then, THEN, I was kidnapped and BURIED ALIVE.  In a little box.  Where fire ants chewed on me for hours. 

Horatio: Okay, so you've suffered a lot on the job, but your tale just is not as tragic as mine.  Dead wife trumps all.  *puts on Sunglasses of Justice and strikes a pose*

(Somewhere in the distance, Mac Taylor frantically waves his arms, yelling "MY WIFE DIED IN THE 9/11 ATTACKS!"  Horatio tunes him out, because it's not the right time of year for a trip to New York.)


 

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