P.S. CBS is choosing to roll a full hour of 2 Broke Girls reruns out before the show starts. A+. I forgot how much I like the one where they (almost) go the Grammys -- even Caroline's rapping doesn't seem so awful now, since they escape the diner setting so early and it's basically just them & the guest stars the whole time.
People's Choice Awards 2014
FYI, this is my first time meeting the show in person. I wasn't even really aware of it until a couple of years ago, but since it became very popular on Tumblr and it airs on CBS and, as I mentioned last year, "nominates things that I've actually seen and are good," I am now very invested in this being the best awards show of all time. (except for the Grammys. Nothing will displace my love for
Also I still can't believe Kurt/Blaine is actually on the ballot for Best Chemistry, so we actually get to see a clip. And here we go!
8:00 PM: MINI 2 BROKE GIRLS SCENE. Oh my god, I literally cannot describe to you my abject joy with this scene and its bizarre half-actor, half-character roles. I'm going to watch it nineteen times in a row. I am especially enjoying the Big Bang Theory girls vs. the Broke ones.
8:03: Christina Aguilera and the sequiny waitress outfit, I LOVE IT. Also, why did I not stock up on Max Black .gifs.
8:04: I'm confused. They asked how they're supposed to get to an awards show on the other side of the country, and came up with "hitchiking," when the obvious answer here is "sleep with a rich guy who offers to fly you and a +1 to the awards." You know, like last time!
8:05: They're kicking off this show with "and we'll never be royals" and I don't know how to be happier.
8:05: Kat's already failing at dressing with her lack of a necklace. I know you wear one every day for work and maybe you're sick of the feeling, but I'm sorry, if you go strapless, you still need one. Especially when the strapless is that low. YA LOOK NAKED. Meanwhile, I am shocked by the usually less-eyecatching member of the duo, because Beth's hair is amazing. I didn't know it could look so wavy and voluminous and pretty; her hair always looks so comparatively thin and stiff on 2BG. And also, I love her her frock-like dress.
8:06: EEEK CHRIS COLFER IS HERE. With that adorable crazy-big smile of pure joy, too!
8:07: "Burger and flies" -- whoops, Brad Paisley just blew his shot at the big leagues. We gave you ONE line to do, Brad!
8:08: Oh my god dozens and dozens and dozens of extras in 2BG waitress uniforms. That's either genius or weird. Maybe weird; the audience members seem uncomfortable with Unexpected Fast Food being thrust at them while in their fancy dress.
8:09: The only remarkable thing about Sean Hayes is that he has the world's most punchable face.
8:10: Fave Dramatic Movie Actress: What's weird is I don't want to see any of the first three movies, but I like all of these women. Feminism, that's a problem you should look into.
8:11: Wooooo Sandy! Picking up extra awards along the way, because apparently she's the favorite movie actresses of ALL the roles! Dramatic, comedic, and everything in between. The comedic one's wrong because Melissa is way funnier, but all right, I can roll with this. I love her hair, and how she looks like she's wearing a garden, and also, she is looking crazy fit right now.
8:13: Favorite album: Gross. These are all the worst choices. Possibly the only category where the Grammys have you solidly beat. I mean...
-Buble: For 70-year-olds
-Robin Thicke: Gross (OH GOD WAIT I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPOSED TO THIS SOUND YET LALALALALA *plugs ears*)
-Blake Shelton: boring
-Miley Cyrus: more disgusting than Robin Thicke (also WHOA LALALALALA I HAVE NOT HEARD THIS ONE EITHER, and damned if I'll start now)
-And Timberlake, also boring
8:14: Winner = Good ol' T-Lakes. Oh rats, forgot to cover ears and now I've been exposed to "Suit & Tie." It's predictably a snoozefest; I still don't get how he turned into an R&B artist. It's so dull. Also, wait, when did he get married? He's married to Jessica Biel?
8:19: ...what is Ana Faris wearing. It looks like it was either owned by her grandmother or purchased exclusively by grandmothers. It's a very specific matronly style that cannot be rocked by anyone appearing to be less than 70 years of age. Allison Janney looks smokin' hot, though. She doesn't even need a necklace with that dress, but she's rocking black stones anyway.
8:20: Favorite daytime talk show host: I like Kelly Ripa and Rachel Ray a bit, but literally no one is better than Ellen DeGeneres at talk-show-hosting -- day or night, broadcast or cable. She's like the best person in the world*. If you don't like her I find your character suspect.
8:21: Yesssss plz keep showing us Chris Colfer's smiley reaction shots to everything.
8:22: *See? Even right now. My heart is soaring with the eagle's nest during her speech. *chinhands fannishly*
8:24: Best new talk show host: Actually, it's Ross Matthews who has the world's most punchable face. I don't think I like anyone in the universe less than I like that hysteria-prone nasal talker.
8:25: So thank goodness this award goes to Queen Latifah, who is not only pretty much the only non-horrible choice here, but some one I respect almost as much as Ellen.
8:26: Damn, Stana, you can pick a pattern. And with those Swiss Miss braids, you just look like the cutest little Alps girl. Oh! You're talking because you won Favorite Dramatic Actress, didn't you? Oh my god you did, yay! Castle fans are serious and not to be trifled with. (god I hope they took down Vampire Diaries for best chemistry)
8:27: And just to make that better, she's focusing on the only good musical artist being featured tonight!
8:28: Update. You know who I love? Sara Bareilles. You know what I am not loving? This hot mess of an arrangement. It's not supposed to sound like this, right? It was just like...literally not rehearsed before this moment? Because it is so, so bad. The beat is all wrong and her voice keeps sounding strained, not really in a brave way so much as a questionable and awkward way. Even her hair looks like it's supposed to be in a cute twist, but it just looks like it's sticking up in a bedhead way.
8:29: You know who the real star of this performance is? The top on that background musician at the keyboard with the sparkly silver triangle down the center. I LOVE IT.
8:30: Well, at least the big finish was nice.
8:32: I just checked the tag on Tumblr. The general tag, mind. It took me literally 5 posts to find someone asking about Darren Criss, who has not been seen yet tonight. I see where your priorities are, Tumblr.
8:35: The Voice judges are talking a lot and it's the first thing that has not delighted me during this telecast.
8:36: Beth Behr is the definition of "legs that go on for miles." I'm pretty sure she has the proportions of a Barbie doll. I keep staring at her short dress and just not understanding how that works.
8:37: Mark Burnett is so hardcore he doesn't even stop working to accept an award for his work.
8:37: Drew Barrymore is so cute! I have liked almost none of her movies in the last decade, yet I am still so impressed by her.
8:38: Favorite Comedic Movie Actor: I find exactly none of these men funny, and James Franco is the only one who's even nice to look at, but he's also so SLEAZY in real life that I abstained from voting in this category. I accept the Adam Sandler win only because some of his movies have been watchable.
8:39: That was a very long and potentially offensive joke for a not very funny payoff.
8:40: LOOK AT THESE MAGNIFICENT BEAUTIES, stars of the best new show you should totally watch! Airing Mondays on CBS! Be there unless you need to support Castle, which is the only excused absence.
8:41: Favorite TV Drama: "I will tolerate any wins except The Good Wife, which is secretly the sleaziest show on network TV," I said. The winner is...The Good Wife. (FML.)
8:45: They're telling me that Brad Paisley will be playing, but they're playing that cool Aloe Blacc/Avicii song. You're creating false hope and epic disappointments, show.
8:49: Favorite Comedic Movie: The only one of these that actually looks funny is The Heat, and every clip I've seen is ruined by swearing. The only one of these I would reluctantly be willing to watch is Grown ups 2 and that makes me sad.
8:50: But then The Heat wins, and it's SO AWESOME because these two women are soooo funny, and their chemistry is amazing, and when they're not allowed to swear, it is the most glorious thing to witness them together. (fact: I have watched All The Press for this movie. It's torturous, knowing I would hate the movie with the language added back in)
8:51: This is probably the least ugly thing Melissa has worn to an awards show yet, but her fashion sense is still better on the set of Mike & Molly. That said, look at her being cute. "I love random screams!"
8:52: Imma opt out of Brad Paisley. *mute*
8:56: Glanced over just i n time to see Chris being deilghted by the music. Good timing. He is so cute.
8:57: Glanced over again to catch Shemar Moore awkwardly spoon-feeding ice cream to one of the Dairy Queen employees backstage. That either just made her night or ruined it.
8:58: Also, Tumblr has informed me it is time to flash my official notice.
OFFICIAL NOTICE/PSA: I WILL RIOT IN THE STREETS IF NEITHER CASTLE NOR GLEE WIN BEST CHEMISTRY.
(reason: how can you compete against literally the best couples on television right now)
9:00: The hosts have changed their clothes and I don't like anything about them. Well, maybe the beading on Beth - oh, it's like a full blown flapper dress, never mind, cute! - but now her hair is flat. Meanwhile, Kat's hair looks like a rat's nest -- like she put it up in a loose ponytail and most of it's falling out -- and DUDE. When you have a narrow neckline, THAT'S when you don't need a necklace. Can someone send a fashion consultant to her, please? (oh my god it's not even a dress, it's a jumpsuit, gross)
9:01: I feel like the "Oh wait, he actually said 'Hey, ho,'" joke either came straight out of 2 Broke Girls or should be showing up there soon. That's too perfect a Max/Caroline exchange. Also, I am REALLY enjoying this "Before He Cheats" belting here. Big improvement over when I had to dive for cover before "Wrecking Ball" got into my ears.
9:02: Bwahahahaha this is some perfect chemistry. I truly can't even -- BABY GOT BACK AND IT IS THE MOST GLORIOUS AND LUDICROUS THING I EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Keep going! Never stop! Look, Chris is delighted by it too. This night just keeps getting better. I want to make a comment about her rapping the "all I want for my birthday is a big booty ho" in one of the episodes that aired earlier, but I can't figure out how.
9:03: K, fun's over. And what the HELL is Ackerman's dress? It's not even offensive, her boobs just look flat and saggy and bad in it.
9:04: Shemar, you were just rocking a perv vibe backstage. Is this how you want to be right now?
9:05: BEST CHEMISTRY NOMINEEEEEEES! MY HEART CANNOT HOLD THE AMOUNT OF LOVE I HAVE FOR THE TOP TWO COUPLES RIGHT NOW.
9:05: THEY USED IT THEY USED THE BEST SCENE! *HEART EXPLODES* The "I love you" + hug! That was truly Klaine's best moment from 2013 but like...I can't believe they actually got that right! *waits for Tumblr to get pissed about double standards for not showing same-sex kissing or something*
[click to reveal: thoughts added in later about the other nominees that were only fleeting blips in the moment]
(these clips are going to be full of spoilers and I don't even care, I'm drinking them up)
-Castle, making my heart explode with their wonderful, perfect, adorable proposal scene and just everything that is good and wonderful and giddy about them.
-GROSS @ Vampire Diaries, although it's better than the non-Delena option from that show, based on hotness
-I will accept Grey's as alternate runner-up, because Mer/Der have hit Old Married Couple status, but I don't think they have a chance -- they seem comparatively old and forgotten by Modern Fandom.
-I am surprised that I actually don't know anything about the OUAT ship, mostly because I've been trying to avoid spoilers, but also because when I do see it, my friend circle is usually being creepy Swan Queen shippers instead of telling me that THERE IS A HOT PIRATE-TYPE DUDE WITH WEIRDLY HOT GUYLINER OPTION TO SHIP JENNIFER MORRISON WITH?? Maybe he's a jerk, IDK, all I know is that from a distance they have some super-smoldering chemistry. Of the sexy variety. New incentive to catch up on this series!
9:06: SON OF A BITCH! [Vampire Diaries]
9:08: CAN'T HEAR YOU. BUSY RIOTING.
9:09: Britney Spears -- who is rocking some cool glitter patterns over a flesh-colored dress -- just won something but I don't know if it's a good or a bad choice, I can't even remember how I normally feel about her (aw, but she seems cute and genuine and way more normal and self aware here than ONTD tells me; I'd been imagining her as a zombie) because STILL RIOTING.
9:14: I AM LITERALLY STILL RIOTING but I keep hearing clips from comedies I love, which means it's time for Favorite Comedic TV Actress where everyone is a winning choice except Zooey Deschanel (but even she's cute, it's just a bad character), and for the first time ever I ain't even mad about Kaley winning because Penny is such a cute, happy, shiny part of Big Bang Theory. ALSO LOOK AT THAT CUTE DRESS and the boho chic beach waves in her hair.
9:16: Confound it, I AM MISSING EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY RAGE CLOUD BUT I CAN'T STOP. Favorite
9:17: HOLY MOLY WHAT THE FLIP RIOT CANCELED.
CHRIS COLFER WON
(I guess that's why he showed up sans Glee cast and they kept focusing on him so much)
CHRIS COLFER WON THE THING AGAIN
OVER JIM PARSONS
AND OTHER PEOPLE BUT.
HE WON THE THING. AGAIN.
PARTY TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME! *launches into RS's Awkward Stomp Song* I got a par-ty time for me! I got a par-ty time for Glee!
[eta: feelings on his speech]
[edit: I can't even decide on my favorite part of his speech*, which much like last year's is split nicely between genuine gratitude (I liked the specific mention of fans also supporting him through bookstores and film festivals) and snarky humor, with a good-natured nod to the obsessive fanworks he usually he doesn't seem to fond of.
*That's a lie. It's "thank you for always drawing abs on me when you draw me naked."
I never get tired of listening to Chris Colfer talk. He's kind of an amazing person. Also I think he just nudged ahead of Darren again in the eternal 2-horse race that is "which dude is my favorite at the moment."
9:22: Oh, god. Where am I? What's happening? I've moved on from angry rioting to happy rioting but I'm still rioting and very disoriented by all my feels. You can't just go and give out the comedic TV awards (a/k/a "best ones") right after the biggest award of the night!!
9:23: The amount I don't care about action movies after that is astounding, for real. Um, I guess Iron Man 3 and RDJ were good choices? He's always kind of fun to watch. Lmao, "now back to me." "Can I make my voice more god-like"? Spotlight!
9;25: I like Lucy Hale's dress quite a lot, wow.
9:26: I am still so confused by the fact that One Republic is white. Is it because "Republic" makes me think Dominican Republic? But I still don't know why I picture Akon as the lead singer every time I hear it, aside from the fact that I don't know what Akon's voice sounds like.
9:28: I didn't always hate this song, but I never loved it either, and it is literally everywhere. All 3 of my radio stations. At least once an hour. AND A TV COMMERCIAL. I'm so sick of it. That said, this performance is by far the best of the night.
9:29: well, until the part where he did the howling yowl a capella, and now he keeps trying to get louder and he just sounds screechy and out of breath. DIAL IT DOWN.
9:30: Did you just try to tell me that DQ Frostees are "America's Choice for Favorite Sweet Treat."
9:36: Tumblr is so obsessed with Stephen Colbert's political commentary that it really makes me intensely not like his smug-ass smug mug.
9:37: The ladies have changed again! They look so much better. It's Kat's best dress by far (especially with those great earrings!), Beth's hair looks a bit fluffy again, and she has another cute little white dress.
9:37: Wayne Brady looks really weird bald. Like, conehead weird. You, sir, are no Taye Diggs.
9:38: NO. I AM SO TIRED OF LL COOL J'S FACE.
9:38: AUGH JENNIFER YOUR HORRIFYING HAIR. SWEET JESUS, GO BACK TO BALD WAYNE BRADY.
9:39: In these clips, Jennifer Hudson is walking around in skinny jeans and a tucked in shirt. This look could not possibly be more unflattering, even before we take into account the pants being maroon and the shirt being bright yellow.
9:40: Aw, she's crying a little bit. I'd feel sadder if her hair didn't just get worse every time I looked at it. I'm looking at the woman next to her instead. Not the hair, but the amazing purple-to-cerulean ombre dress. I would just like to point out that this is a great example of something Melissa McCarthy should be wearing to an awards show.
9:45: By the way, Tumblr's Twitter scouts have just informed me that Darren wanted to be here, but is in bed getting over the flu instead. Not sure whether to be sad I'm missing out on his smiley sunshine reaction faces, or just contentedly squirrel away with...thoughts.
9:50: Fave actress in a new TV show: this is literally not a question. Sarah Michelle Gellar....oh! Good job, voting people!
9:51: Her hair and makeup are a little Walk of Shame messy, but I like the Grecian collar. And aw, she reached back to thank Buffy fans. I've never even seen it and I'm still proud.
9:53: There is a litterally a 45 second "Charming intermission" commercial happening. WHY. [eta: oh, because break was less than 2 minutes, cool]
9:54: It was followed by my favorite commercial in the entire world. Better than Budweiser Cydesdales good is this Iams dog food commercial: a giant Irish wolfhound running to greet his soldier coming home. He's as big as she is and it's too cute.
9:55: Le Man...Le Myth...LeBlanc. I may never get over how hard Matt LeBlanc aged. He's like the real life version of how HIMYM portrays Future Ted.
9:56: I love all of these sitcoms except Modern Family; they are all glorious. I will literally binge watch them no matter how many times I've seen the episodes (well, not Glee. Glee I will very specifically pick and choose the watchable scenes to binge on and always skip the rotten ones)
9:57: The Big Bang Theory was my second-to-last favorite choice, but it's literally the most watched show on television, so...
9:58: Oh, you are so not running out of time. It's not even 10 PM! BE LIKE THE GRAMMYS. Grammys just roll over everythng in their path with flagrant disregard.
Non-Televised Awards I'm Reacting To Later (mostly with rage)
[cut because it's an edit]-Glee won Choice TV Gal Pals for RACHEL AND SANTANA?! Are you KIDDING ME. That is a HORRIBLE choice. Not only are Mer/Cristina and Max/Caroline alone WAY better besties than just about anyone on TV, these two shouldn't even be friends. Rachel is a queen and Santana is, and always will be, a gross, mean, and cruel skank who deserves eternal shunning for her horrible high school coping mechanisms and also her continued tendency to make snide or abrasive remarks to her roommates that we're supposed to think are just friendly banter. I HAVE A LOT OF ANGRY FEELINGS ON THE MATTER, SORRY. I regularly wake up wishing I could go back in time, take over Rachel's body, and throw Santana's ass back out the minute she arrogantly moved in uninvited without paying any rent. Ideally by giving her 24-48 hours to evacuate the premises, and then calling the police.
Super Fun Night won best new comedy? You've got The Crazy Ones RIGHT THERE. Also, I legitimately thought this was a game show she was hosting. Also, I'm really glad that we only saw one clip of it the whole night so I still have no idea what it's about, nor do I care to.
Carrie won "fave horror movie." No.
REIGN WON FAVORITE NEW DRAMA!!!!!!!! Not sure it is better than Sleepy Hollow, but it is absolutely just as good. Those CW crazy voters are good for something after all.
Taylor Swift won favorite country artist! Pity that wasn't in the plans for acceptances today.
Favorite song = "Roar." See, I don't hate that, but I am so much happier having seen T-Lakes accept a musical award than Perry.
Favorite TV Bromance went to Sam and Dean as a consolation prize for not winning the write-in campaign for best chemistry. Yeah, there was no way anyone was beating them.
Final verdict: that was so fun! Why is it only two hours?? CBS, you are literally rolling in piles of money. Also, I am so, so, happy I got to see Chris win in real time. I look forward to reblogging 97 versions of that moment tomorrow.
ETA: IT GOT BETTER. "Thank you so much for your PCA votes!!! As promised, here is a video of me victory dancing with my cat!"
Now, how does one subtly inform their boyfriend that they would be loved 40% more if they would shamelessly dance around singing to a cat in their arms...