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Having heard doomy-sounding rumblings on Tumblr lately, despite doing my best to cut contact with anyone who doesn't blacklist spoilers, after several days of uneasiness I caved and read all the Glee spoilers, including detailed ones for the premiere.


WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

I decided against using my "house of lies" icon on the grounds of excessive spoileryness, but I cannot believe this is relevant again:

And my Tumblr tag too, my goddamn "otp: boulevard of broken dreams"

No. Nope. No. I did not think it could get worse than 4x04 but apparently it has so fuck you, I'm out. I never, never, never thought I would or even could break up with Glee, especially after I made it through cheating, but I cannot handle a broken engagement after ALL OF THAT.

I cannot accept that Kurt would break up with Blaine for anything less than cheating*. Especially not after engagement and everything we were promised in season 5 ("I choose to trust and to love you through everything" ACTUAL WORDS SPOKEN BY ONE KURT HUMMEL IN THE FINALE), on top of "Come What May" and his inability to move on with Adam and all his season 3 eternity promises. I cannot handle Blaine dating someone else. I definitely cannot handle Blaine dating Karofsky of all the gross things. If they kiss my eyes will not recover.

*hey guys did you know you can be engaged and not get married or even start wedding planning for years? did you know that there is literally nothing in Kurt's entire history that suggests he feels the need to sow his wild oats or establish himself independently before he settles down with a soulmate?

The episod summary literally sounds like the description of an AU fic. (do you even know how many start with "Kurt and Blaine broke up a while ago because X" and are about various ways they get back together?) The sort, I might add, that instantly cause me to go "skip."

I'm not going to comment on anything else in detail because nothing else matters. I want to go back to June when I thought the rumor of Blaine willingly being on a team against Kurt and Rachel and all of them being in Ohio less than 5 years in the future was the worst possible notion. Though I will say, even though I can't stand Hiram and Leroy, I'm pissed about that on principle because it just adds to the sick idea that nothing lasts forever because monogamy's apparently just an impossible, Herculean effort.

In fact, what I'm getting from these spoilers so far is that Ryan Murphy was a real big fan of the How I Met Your Mother finale. And that even IF Kurt and Blaine get married in the finale and it's supposedly their "happy ever after" ending, I will have no reason not to believe that 3 years later, they gather their friends up and tell them they got divorced after realizing the relationship just wasn't making them happy anymore.

That's the kind of precedent multiple breakups set.

The only way I will watch season 6 at this point is if it's all revealed to be someone's horrible nightmare. And even then, frankly, the content so far seems gross enough that I would not have any interest in viewing it with my own eyeballs. (there is literally ONE thing I can work with, assuming I could explain away Kurt initiating a second breakup, and that is Blaine spiraling off the deep end and flunking out of school/losing his rising career -- exactly what would have happened to him in Ohio without Sam and the support of other friends in the glee club, and oh hey guess which two things aren't in New York? My headspace is intimately acquainted with Depressed Blaine; I know how he works.

However, dating Karofsky does not jive with that vision like at all. And not just because I hate his face, but are we literally going to pretend that Blaine would ever be okay with a guy who made Kurt's life a LIVING HELL, and later tried to break up his relationship to be with him, regardless of any emotional growth since then? What is even going to happen? Blaine's going to be like "well I guess since I cheated on the love of my life, I understand that everyone makes bad choices sometimes, and now more than ever I understand the necessity of second chances"??)

I didn't think I could get more upset than August-October 2012, but not being able to see my beyond-favorite show to the end or have any pride in its conclusion just might have done it. The plan to catch up and watch s.6 in real time is off. I might even be one of those people who ends up leaving the fandom. That's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever admitted to myself, because I have always thought of those people as spoiled traitors (unless they left in response to the events of The Break Up), but I'm pretty sure that's going to happen.

I honestly keep thinking my memory of the spoilers is just a nightmare I had, I can't process this is really going to happen. It's so horrible, so off-the-wall cracktastic and beyond the realm of believability, how could it really happen?

I can't imagine leaving because this show -- even if I mostly didn't watch it last year because I was not ready for that much joy -- is beyond my favorite show, it's a significant part of my life. It is X-Files levels of formatively important to me. It's Doctor Who in its prime and it's The Office, it's Jim and Pam but more in terms of how much I live and see the world, on one level, through these two characters. This show has been basically my whole Tumblr identity, my only active participation in an actual fandom despite the fleet of shows I talk about, for the past 3 years. I'm almost numb to the idea that I can't, I won't, be there to see it out, but I can't accept it like this.

I walked away from Bones. I even walked away from CSI. Some things are just dealbreakers. My only comfort right now is that I'm not crying-upset about the "canon," but the immediate emotional severance and the idea that if this goes I might be without a real fandom for the first time in 9 years -- what if it's the last forever? -- makes my stomach do awful twisty things.

To quote Scully, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

But I guess it is, so I have to just hole away with season 5, storing it for safekeeping, to be doled out like bits of discovered treasure when I need it most. For now, I'm going to play myself out on my theme song for upsetting news:

"I'm gonna drink this bottle 'til I no longer care..."

I'll call.

I hate the fall.

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